”What doesn’t kill you makes you wish you were dead”
Luke wasn’t home yet. He said he would be home by midnight, and it was 4am. You were anxious, and scared for his safety. He used to always be home on time, until about a month ago. You suspected he was cheating. The time ticked by slowly as you sat on the living room couch watching some random tv show.
At around 4:30 you heard the door creak open. You sit up from the couch and watched a tired looking Luke staggered in. His hair that was normally in a perfectly articulated quiff was messed up and sticking out everywhere. His eyes had bags under it, and his eyes looked sort of spaced out. It was inevitable he had been drinking, he did tell you that he was going out with the boys. But that didn’t explain his unbuttoned shirt that revealed the red and purple skin on his neck and collarbone. Your heart sank as the possibilities raced your head. One thing was clear though, he had cheated. He literally had the hickey’s to prove it.
“Luke,” you said, your voice shaky.
Luke’s head whipped around to face you, a surprised expression on his face. His blue eyes were wide, his mouth turning into an “O” shape. You tried to stay calm.
“Babe, why are you home so late?” You held back the knowing tears, and waited.
You wanted Luke to tell you himself. He always cracked under pressure, and was a horrible liar.
“I..um,” Luke’s voice faltered, his eyes scanning the room.
You knew he was trying to find an excuse, but you still held eye contact.
“The boys and I went out to eat after drinking, and I was the last one to be dropped home,” Luke rushed his eyes darting everywhere but mine.
You just nodded and led him up to your guys’ shared room. You tucked him in pecking lips, before getting in beside you. What he didn’t know was that as soon as he was in a deep sleep you got up, and packed your stuff. There wasn’t much, just a small suitcase full of the clothes you loved and different knick knacks you’d collected over the years. You left your promise ring he had given you on the beside table with a note that red
You can’t meet my eyes when you lie.
It was around 6am when your friend Calum’s car pulled into the driveway and you rushed out, a few stray tears falling from you eyes. You were halfway out the door when you heard, rustling.
“Y/n?” You heard a sleepy Luke question.
Then you heard a loud gasp and his feet hitting the floor. You quickly ran back inside and grabbed a random picture frame, before bolting. You were in the car about the drive off when you saw Luke run out of the house in just his boxers, tears in his eyes.
He saw the car and he ran to it, but Calum had already slammed on the gas. You sped down the road away from the house, and Luke. Luke stood there stunned. He had just witnessed everything he ever wanted being taken from him. It was his fault too.
You leaving didn’t kill him, but he sure wished it did after what he had just seen.
“And I can’t take one more moment of this silence, the loneliness is haunting me.”
It had been a month since you’d left. He’d tried calling you a million times, but you’d changed your number and blocked him on all social media possible. It was like you never existed in the first place. All that you left behind was some clothes and the pictures. Luke didn’t know how to feel about the pictures that were left behind, scattered on the walls and on tables. He loved having something to hold onto, proof that you had existed, but when he looked at them he felt pain.
When his bandmates Ashton, Michael, and Calum had found out what he’d done, they had shut him out. Calum especially, he did the same thing you had, blocking Luke on everything possible. Ashton ignored you, and Michael would sometimes come around to try and cheer Luke up. But that’s only sometimes, he doesn’t want the others to know he still associated himself with Luke.
To say Luke was lonely was an understatement. He felt like he was the last human on the earth. Everyday he spent in silence, sometimes not even leaving his bed. What was the point anymore? You were gone. You were his inspiration for everything. Plus, he was most definitely not welcome in the band anymore. He wasn’t even sure if the band was still together after what he had done. I mean they didn’t really need him did they? He was just the lead vocalist. Michael could easily sit in for him on guitar, and Calum knew all of Luke’s solos by heart. He was expendable.
Luke was even too lonely to call her. The girl who had screwed everything up. He tried to be angry at her, but he couldn’t. It was his fault wasn’t it? He was the one who purposely didn’t tell her he had a girlfriend. He was the one who had pushed her up against the wall at that club. He was the one to blame.
Luke paced the house, trailing his hands against the walls. He was beyond lonely, he felt insane. It was so silent and he couldn’t handle it anymore. His hand hit a picture on the hallway wall, and something inside of Luke broke. He fell to his knees, silent sobs escaping his lips. He couldn’t handle it anymore. The isolation, the hatred, the emptiness, it was all too much. It was haunting him in his dreams. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw you; the way your lips curled when you smiled, the way your eyes crinkled at the end when you laughed. It was like a beautiful nightmare he couldn’t escape.
In fact, he didn’t want to escape it.
He wanted you.
“It comes in waves, I close my eyes, hold my breath and let it bury me.”
After that day when he broke, the breakdowns happened more often now. He’d be sitting on the couch, and it’d hit him that you were gone. He would be at the store, and he’d just fall to the ground and sob. It was like a wave of sadness his him, as he realized he no longer needed to buy your favorite cereal. One time Michael was over, and he opened a snapchat from you. It was a picture of you and Calum, you sitting on his lap pulling a dopey grin while Calum had his signature duck face. Jealousy raged in Luke when he saw it.
“Why is she on his lap?” Luke questioned angrily.
“Dude chill, they live together now,” Michael responded, rolling his eyes a Luke.
“Live together! It’s been like two months!”
“They’re just friends Luke,” Michael deadpanned, getting up to leave, “And you can’t blame Calum for being protective of her after what you did. You should be happy she’s even smiling, for a good month all she did was cry and raid our fridge.”
Michael slammed the door, signalling he was gone. Luke ran out into the backyard, oblivious the rain that was slamming down the ground in giant droplets. He sat on the cold cement, his eyes closed. The pain he felt buried him, and he felt like he was drowning in air.
“You can’t be gone you can’t be gone,” he repeated it to himself like a chant.
But the thing was, you were already gone.
“Who will fix me now? Dive in when I’m down?”
It’s been countless months, and Luke only gotten worse. He stopped leaving his house. Sometimes he didn’t even get out of bed. Without you his life had no purpose. Ashton, Michael, and Calum often visited, Calum forgiving him for the sake of the band. They always would burst in the house to find Luke’s unpaid bills, and mail that just sat on the porch. It was a struggle to even get Luke out of bed to practice guitar, and his voice was always pained when he sang.
It was one day when they boys arrived to find Luke passed out with a bottle of alcohol, when they knew they had to do something. He couldn’t keep getting himself drunk if he was going to heal and move on.
You and Calum were at home watching a movie when he decided to bring it up, “Y/n you should talk things out with Luke.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” you sassed.
“He misses you,”
“He didn’t when he stuck his dick up some bitch’s asshole,”
“Y/n that language will not be tolerated in this household motherfucker!” Calum scolded, raising his finger in a joking matter.
“I wonder who I got it from”
“But seriously,” Calum said turning the movie off, “he’s a wreck, Y/n he literally drinks until he passes out now, because every time he willinging closes his eyes he gets these nightmares.”
“It’s not my job to fix him,” you responded, before you got up and went upstairs to your room.
“Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?”
Calum sat on the edge of Luke’s bed. Luke hasn’t gotten up for days, claiming he was sick.
“Luke you have to fight whatever this is you have it’s been almost a week,” Calum reasoned, bringing Luke some aspirin.
“What if I don’t want to fight it,” Luke responded.
The room was bathed in a deadly silence. Luke took the aspirin slowly, before dropping his head back on the pillow. Calum soon left, saying he had a band meeting or something. Luke continued to lay there staring at the ceiling. What if he died from this sickness? Was he even sick? All Luke knew was his chest was constantly in pain, to the point where he couldn’t sing. His head ached constantly, and he just wanted to fall asleep.
But whenever he closed his eyes the nightmares would invade, and that was even worse. They were more gruesome now, with things zombie like creatures attacking you while he was glued to the ground.
Luke sat there contemplating everything. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to make it through whatever he was dealing with alive anymore.
It was all too much.
“What doesn’t destroy you, leaves you broken instead.”
It was the middle of the night, and you were wide awake. It was one of those nights where you just couldn’t sleep. You thought of going to wake Calum, but didn’t want to be any trouble, considering he was letting you stay in his house. You were staring at the wall, the clock showing that it was around 3am. You sighed turning over, when you phone started ringing.
Who was calling you at 3am? You looked at your phone to see an unsaved number. Without thinking it through you picked up, to hear familiar ragged sobs on the other end.
It was Luke.
“Luke?” You whispered softly, your voice wavering.
“Y/N? Oh my god you actually picked up, please don’t hang up I’m begging you. I’ve been trying to leave you alone, but Cal gave me your number and I wasn’t going to use it but it’s late and everything hurts. It’s been weeks of this constant pain and I’m not sure if I’m sick or just missing you. And I don’t know what to do anymore, and I just can’t keep living like this. I can’t live without you and the constant guilt of what I’ve, I’ve done,” Luke was blubbering now, his voice cracking.
You were honestly speechless. You knew he missed you, that’s all Calum talked about anymore, but was it really that bad. The line was quiet, until you heard the rushing of water.
“Luke, where are you?” panic rose in you as the rushing sounds got louder.
“At our place, I just, I needed to go somewhere”
You and Luke had a waterfall you always loved to walk to in the woods behind your house. It was a beautiful place, but the bottom of the waterfall had a ton of jagged rocks at the bottom. One jump could definitely kill someone. You were about so try and talk to Luke, but the line went dead. You sighed hastily getting up and shoving boots on your feet.
He sounded so broken, and you had to go save him.
“And the weight of the world’s getting harder to hold up.”
Luke sat still, listening to the rushing over water. He was sitting on a rock that hung over the giant waterfall. Everything was rushing through his mind at once, and he was trying to get it to slow down. He was stunned. You had picked up, and actually listened to him. The way you said his name rang in his head like church bells. Your voice was a heaven he never appreciated until now. He had thrown his phone off the side into the waterfall, angry. He couldn’t hear your voice everyday anymore, he had destroyed everything.
The longer Luke sat the heavier he felt, and he wasn’t sure if he could hold on much longer.
“I’m not okay, and it’s not alright, Won’t you drag the lake and bring me home again?”
You had stolen Calum’s car in a desperate attempt to get to Luke. In all honesty, you weren’t even licensed. Your hands were shaky as you drove at high speeds, your mind a whirlwind of worries. Was Luke thinking about jumping? He couldn’t could he? He had so much to live for, so much to do with his life.
You parked outside your old house quickly, noticing all the lights were off. You took off sprinting into the woods behind the house, the little path you and Luke had made guiding you. You reached the clearly where the waterfall was, and you saw him. He was crying, his knees pulled to his chest. He was mumbling something you couldn’t understand, and he shook slightly.
“Luke?” You called out, already heading over to climb up to him.
Luke’s head shot up from between his knees, his eyes puffy and red.
“You’re not real,” Luke murmured his eyes seeming far off.
You quickly scaled the back of the waterfall, and sat down beside him. He sat completely still next to you, staring into your eyes.
“Are you alright Luke?” You whispered, your hands reaching up to hold his cheek.
His face was hot under your cool fingertips, and tears that were freely running pooled in his hands.
“No,” he started pulling back slightly, “I’m a monster Y/n I hurt you..why are you here?”
“I’m here to bring you home,” You said scooting closer to him.
“I don’t want to go back there, it’s empty and silent without you, “His voice was cold and icy, almost emotionless. He sounded drained, “Home is somewhere you can feel loved, that’s not home, home is wherever you are and I can’t have that anymore,”
He turned towards you, his sad blue eyes piercing your own.
“I’m here now aren’t I?” You questioned, leaning in.
“This always was our second home anyways.”
“'Cause you know that I can’t do this on my own.”
After that you guys had kissed. It was a weird feeling, his face was so warm and yours was so cold. It was almost different.
“I’m sorry,” Luke mumbled, as you two sat together.
You just nodded leaning onto his side. You didn’t realize it, but you were both drifting off.
Or so you thought.
“Save me from myself, don’t let me drown.”
You woke up on the cold stone. The sky was cloudy as you looked up at it, and it looked like it was going to rain. You turned to your side expecting to see Luke lying there beside you, his lips pouted as he snored. To your surprised though, there was nothing. Had you been dreaming? Did you sleep walk here?
You stood up and saw a figuring running towards you. It was Calum and he had policemen and an paramedics with him.
“Y/N!” He shouted, running towards you.
He engulfed you in a bone crushing hug, his breathing shaky.
“Where’s Luke?” You asked confused.
You could have sworn he was with you last night. Your face fell when you saw a blue body being pulled from the water. It was a mop of bloody blond hair that and mud. The paramedics went to lift the body and it’s head rolled back, revealing the eyes. They were a piercing blue.