bring me the food of satan

Do you hate yourself?

Do you dream of pets that try incessantly to murder their keepers?

WELL HAVE I GOT GOOD FUCKIN’ NEWS FOR YOU!

SATAN is an unsexed but probable female sandboa that YOU can own for the low, low price of “get her the fuck out of my house!!!!”

Why is she unsexed, you ask?  Well THIS LITTLE SHITBAG doesn’t believe in food, so she’s too small to properly sex! You heard it right here, folks: This sandboa is 6 months old and didn’t take a meal until J A N U A R Y! Now that’s what I call difficult!!!!

Satan’s ideal home would be with someone who has no self respect and cannot fathom interacting with a pet that wants to saw off their fingers with her tiny, tiny teeth!!!

Satan would ideally be placed with someone who doesn’t mind wasting pinky mice literally every goddamn week while she decides if she wants to continue living!!! Does she want live? Frozen thawed? Brained and scented? WHO KNOWS????? Not me!!!!!!

Satan has been known to strike just because you looked at her!!!!!! She’s had a full physical examination and is in good health, but that doesn’t stop her from being possessed by fucking snake demons!!!!!!

Eventually, Satan may realize that food is a thing that is Good and Pure ™ and she may one day make an awesome pet or breeder! Look at those high black spots, and she’s a gray belly! Don’t delay! Get this snake the fuck outta my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comedians in a nutshell

Jim Gaffigan: I love food so much none of you even understand

Jeff Dunham: I’m a normal guy with a fun life and a nice family haha :-)
Jeff Dunham: now let me bring out my first puppet
Puppet: HAIL SATAN MAKE 9/11 HAPPEN AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHA

Bo Burnham: guys seriously I’m not gay
Bo Burnham: someone has to insert their penis in my asshole right now

Kevin Hart: GUYS DID YOU KNOW I’M SHORT AND BLACK DIDYA DIDYA DIDYA

Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE
Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE
Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE
Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE
Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE

Daniel Tosh: if I don’t personally offend at least 1000 people tonight my life will be over

Louis C.K: have you ever woken up with your mouth in your own asshole I have

Bill Burr: WAKE THE FUCK UP AMERICA IF I SPEAK LOUDER WILL THAT MAKE ME FUNNIER

Gabriel Iglesias: I’m so Spanish lol
Gabriel Iglesias: why does everyone call me Spanish???????
Gabriel Iglesias: *makes impersonation of a Spanish guy
Gabriel Iglesias: food
Gabriel Iglesias: I’m fluffy

Dane Cook: GUYS CHECK OUT THIS NEW INFORMATION I JUST RECEIVED
so appARENTLY cows have these things like UTTERS and they’re pink and they have like FIVE penises and I just find it SO FASCINATING :ooooOOOOoooooo

Lewis Black: So politics are really stupid but I’m gonna talk about them
Lewis Black: so yeah democrats are retarded and SO ARE THE REPUBLICANS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING POLITICIAN IS FUCKING RETARDED AND ANDKSHALDNSLJSOEJSPSLSJDJSLSJKSDBKS *explodes*

George Carlin: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH AMERICA GOD ISN’T REAL YOU STUPID RETARDED WASTE OF HUMAN LIVES DIE DIE DIE EVERYONE DIE

The 11 satantic rules of earth
  1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
  2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
  3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.
  4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.
  5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.
  6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.
  7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.
  8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
  9. Do not harm little children.
  10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
  11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

tbh i think we should all just become satanists

So this morning I go to the store for a few food items and the total comes to £6.66. So the cashier naturally freaks out and looks at me like I should pick up another item to avoid the unlucky number. Not that I’m short on money or anything, I’m just not very superstitious so I couldn’t bring myself to grab something I didn’t need. So I proceeded to pay. I sort of began to second guess myself as I left the place and she shouted after me, “Be safe! I’ll pray for you.” So now a few hours later I find myself suffering with a bad case of tummy issues. Thanks Satan. Note to self, just grab the fucking pack of gum. 

let me tell you about my first day of work experience at a nursery… they make me clean up the beans and mash potatoes that these kids have thrown all over the floor and the tables and the seats and the high chairs in the dining area by MYSELF

…then they make me go for my lunch at ELEVEN… i bring oats to make porridge with me and i think “they probably have milk and sugar for coffee so I’ll just use a bit of that” …they don’t have any milk in the staff room so i go to the canteen kitchen and ask for half a glass of milk… it’s full milk like full fat milk who the FUCK drinks full fat milk, anyway I try to eat this disgusting full fat milk porridge and go back to work…

 the same woman who tells me to go clean the mess pulls me to the side and says “listen, I know it was just a glass (HALF A GLASS) of milk, but we are not obliged to provide you with any food, if you want milk you bring your own milk” 

……………I CLEAN UP THEIR FUCKING SHITTY DISGUSTING MASH POTATO AND BEANS CANTEEN FOR FREE AND THEY’RE BITTER ABOUT REPAYING ME W/ DISGUSTING FULL FAT MILK THAT THEY PROBABLY DON’T EVEN PAY FOR, LIKE A SATANIC GOAT CURSED THEIR ESTABLISHMENT AND FORCES THEM TO CONSUME AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF THE WORST MILK ON EARTH AND THEY’RE FUCKING PISSED AT ME FOR TAKING HALF A GLASS OF THEIR FUCKING