bring me the doctor

REBLOG IF ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING HAS HELPED YOU THROUGH BAD TIMES IN YOUR LIFE

- Supernatural
- Sherlock
- Doctor Who
- Torchwood
- The Mighty Boosh
- Dan and Phil
- The IT Crowd
- My Chemical Romance
- Fall Out Boy
- Panic! At The Disco
- Twenty Øne Piløts
- All Time Low
- 5 Seconds of Summer
- Against the Current
- As It Is
- Pierce the Veil
- Mallory Knox
- Sleeping With Sirens
- Misha Collins [as a person tbh because he’s amazing as fuck]
- Ghostbusters (2016 and/or Original) [YOU DO YOU OKAY I LOVE BOTH]
- Disney Movies
- Tim Burton movies (The Nightmare Before Christmas, Corpse Bride, Frankenweenie, etc.)
- Harry Potter
- Fictional characters/actors/actresses from something I haven’t mentioned here on this list


{I need to find more fandom blogs so hit me up, I promise I don’t bite - that’s not one of my kinks.}

anonymous asked:

the thing that blows my mind about the antis is that bc otabek is a legal adult he is suddenly like a fucking 45 year old man with an ex wife, two kids, a mortgage and nefarious purposes like jfc an 18 year old is so not grown...

tbh the biggest change @ 18 was that I didn’t need to bring my mom to the doctor with me anymore, & I made her come anyway

Teach Me Doctor(Hoseok Smut Version)

Warning: It’s graphic smut with a Doctor Roleplaying Kink. Ambw. 

I couldn’t contain myself so I jumped ahead and started yours hopefully this can hold you off until I’m able to do more for you love @theggirlthatlikesasianboys



Shaking lightly, you shut the door to your large condo resting against it for a second before you straightened up to push the pink floral dress that you had on down some to cover your smooth chocolate skin. Your hands sweeping your dark hair back of your shoulders. You squared them starting to slowly walk down the hallway letting your heels pierce the floor with each step you took. You walked towards the room next to your bedroom and you knocked on the door before pushing it open. There he sat at an oak desk with a white lab coat over his button down white shirt. He had on gray slacks, glasses on his face his hair a mini rainbow of pink and blue.

“Dr. Jung?” You asked biting on your bottom lip. “I’m here for my appointment.

Hoseok swirled around in his black chair smirking as he looked you up and down, eyes roaming your frame. Your plump breast, curvy waist and he could imagine how nice and juicy your ass looked from behind. “Ah, Ms. __ that’s right your appointment is today. Come have a seat.” He grinned patting the black chair right next to his desk. Nodding your head, you went to sit in the black chair, crossing one leg over the other to show off your toned thighs smiling sweetly at the male. His eyes holding mischief masked by an eyesmile that made your stomach tighten up. “So, what can I do for you today?” Hoseok asked you looking down his nose at you through the round glasses on his face.

“Well.. I know I needed a checkup doctor but, I also have been having some problems down below.” You jutted out your lower lip crossing your legs tighter.

“With your stomach?” Hoseok asked taking a blue notepad and flipping it to a blank page using a black ink pen to scribble some things down.

“No. Lower. Like my princess parts lower.” You tried to explain.

“Princess parts?” He mocked lifting an eyebrow. Heat rushed to your face knowing he wasn’t going to give in. Sighing you nodding.

“My pussy doctor. There are things going on down there.” You stated drumming your fingers along your leg.

“Well, let’s see what we can do about that and get your other things checked out. You can start by getting undressed for me but you can keep your panties on for now.” Nodding your head, you stood up in front of him. Hands moving to grip at the edge of your dress you pulled it up over your head revealing your body to him decked with black lingerie. You put your dress on the back of the chair hands moving behind you to unclip your bra and put it on the seat as well. Hoseok had to catch himself from jumping on you too quickly. He took deep breaths eyes on your body. Every inch of skin he took in until he stood up grabbing your hand to lead you to his desk. Helping you up on it he grabbed at his stethoscope putting the ends for his ear in. Grabbing the string he pressed the larger circular part against your chest. “Deep breaths for me.” His silky voice cooed out and you obeyed taking deep breaths in and out for him. He moved the object down to your stomach and then to your back humming thoughtfully as he listened to your heart. “I think we need to do some heart exercises to make sure your heart is still healthy you know? Don’t want you performing tasks and you have a heart attack.” Hoseok said carefully eyes full of concern as he pulled back to take the stethoscope from your body. He sat it down on the desk beside you tapping your chin. “Open your mouth.” You obeyed opening your mouth. Hoseok used two fingers to press against your tongue pushing down your jaw as he looked in your mouth humming. “Hmm, it seems we need to do some work on your mouth as well. Have you had any problems?” He asked pulling his fingers back to lick on them.

“Oh, yes doctor. I haven’t been swallowing well lately. It’s hard to hold a lot and I worry that my vocal chords are becoming worse.” Sighing softly, you played with your hair.

“That’s nothing doctor Hope can’t fix.” Hoseok went to grab at his notepad writing more things down. “Now then.” He smiled at you putting the pad down. He moved his hands to grab at your breast. Cupping them he rolled his fingers against your bud as he lifted up your breast inspecting the underside of them pouting. “They are a handful. Do they give you any problems?” He asked pushing them together pressing his thumbs against them.

“A-ah doctor they hurt sometimes. Right now, they feel pretty sore. With all the bouncing they do when I have to perform certain actions it’s hard.” All the innuendos passing between the two of you, you loved it but you reminded yourself to be almost as serious as you possibly could.

“Let’s make sure to get you feeling better then.” Hoseok leaned forward his warm breath ghosting over your skin. His tongue darted out to lap against your perky nipples causing you to moan and grab at his hair lightly before your hands quickly retreated. Hoseok flicked his tongue rapidly up and down your nipples looking up at you while he did so.

“Mm doctor. Won’t your fiancé be a bit mad that you’re doing such things to your patient?” You asked panting softly feeing your stomach clench, a jolt of sheer pleasure and thrill running up your spine as he lightly sucked on your nipples thinking about his answer.

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Besides it’s my duty as your doctor to make sure you feel all better before you go. I insist on it.” With every phrase, he spoke it was like his voice became deeper intoxicating and dripping with lust. He leaned forward to kiss and suck on your nipples a little more. His wet tongue causing your skin to become decorated with little goosebumps.  “Now then that that’s all better. Let’s see about the rest of you. Let’s do you a quick physical let’s see you touch your toes.”

“Yes sir.” You chirped out seeing Hoseok’s jaw clench as you hopped down off the desk. You moved in front of him bending over slowly to press your fingers against your toys. You weren’t too limber but he had made you bend into certain positions that was easy to keep.

“Nice frame.” Hoseok noted walking around your bent body until he was standing behind you. His hands reached out to grab at your ass cheeks spreading them apart causing your panties to slip through your plump ass cheeks. “Ass is also nice.” He noted slapping your left and right cheek separately. “I think your ass needs a little more slaps. It’ll help make sure your cushion is aiding you when you sit down.” He gripped at your ass cheeks before he rubbed his hands together. Moving to open the drawer up on his desk he pour baby oil on your ass cheeks rubbing it into your skin lightly. He moved to slap your ass again. Starting out with gentle hits and working his way up to rough harsh hits on your skin causing your ass cheeks to become numb. Every hit caused pain to dance up your spine but you took it grabbing onto your ankles biting your lips.

“Doctor-ahh.” You mewled out licking your lips.

“Shh kitten. I got this.” Hoseok warned slapping your ass cheeks harder. He didn’t stop until his own hands were warm and threatening of becoming numb. He leaned down to lick across your ass cheeks flicking his tongue and tapping it against your plump cheeks knowing you would like it when he did it. “Let’s put you in another position.” He mused grabbing at your body he lifted you back up to the desk. He laid you on your back. Lifting up your legs to press behind your head. Hoseok saw you struggling and his eyes roamed your figure as he shook his head. “It looks like you need a lot of work here. I’m going to prescribe you some positions that will help limber you out.” Hoseok drug his nails down your underside thighs as he helped you pull your legs down. “On the bed. You say you were having some trouble with your pussy?”

“Oh yes!” You exclaimed moving very slowly towards the bed. Taking a seat on it, your ass was sore but you tried to smile it off, cursing him for being so sadistic. He gave you a look of continue, and he moved to bring his chair towards you. “Well doctor Hoseok. Lately me and my daddy have been trying to get me to squirt. But it hasn’t been happening and we wanted to know was it just me or if he wasn’t doing a good job.” You bit back a smirk as you watched his eyes flicker quickly before he masked it with a smile.

“Ah yes squirting. Well not everyone can do it but I assure you that most of the times you probably just don’t know how. Are you sure it’s your daddy? Or maybe it’s you?” He taunted and you laughed shrugging.

“I didn’t think it was me but I’ve also played with myself in the spare time or on Skype for him and it seems I can never cause myself to do it.” You admitted biting on your bottom lip.

“Well, let’s look at it and see what we can do.” Hoseok pulled at your panties pulling them down from your hips and off your body. “Legs up kitten.” He called out and you obeyed. Raising up your legs Hoseok brought rope down hanging from the polls on the bed. He gripped at each ankle tying them to a bedpost spreading you wide for him. Moving back to sit down in front of your pussy he rubbed his fingers up and down your slit slowly. He used his hand to spread your pussy lips open watching as your pussy gleamed and a few drops of wetness seeped out. “It seems that you produce water very well so that is a good start.” He nodded his head.

“Oh I stay very wet doctor.” You fisted the covers watching him with lust filled eyes.

“I don’t think your fiancé would agree with you letting another man make you wet kitten. I don’t know if I should even stick my fingers inside to help you out.” He challenged with his fingers stroking at your entrance. Your head rolled back but instead of giving in you pouted batting your eyelashes looking at him.

“But doctor you promised to make me feel better! You insisted. Like you said, it’s our secret, right?” You asked and he groaned nodding.

“Our dirty little secret kitten. Now then let’s see if I can persuade this pussy to do what I want.” Hoseok smiled up at you sliding his ring and middle finger inside of you slowly. He pushed himself knuckles deep leaning forward to lick some of the wetness from your pussy lips. His eyes drank up the sight before him and it only made his want grow deeper. Hoseok watched your lips part he could feel how warm and wet you were. How your walls fit snug around his fingers and he couldn’t help but wonder how good they would feel around his cock as he pounded into you. But one thing at a time. Hoseok started to pull his fingers back, only to push them back forward fingering you slowly. His eyes held yours for a moment, his thumb reaching up to tap against your clit causing your hips to jerk. He smirked rubbing it in using a circular motion on you before he changed it to just up and down. His fingers curved inside of you and he increased his speed standing up to tower over your bound body. He pushed his fingers a bit deeper curving them to make a come-hither motion inside of you. Soon he was scissoring you out adding a third finger inside of you. “It seems your pussy is so tight. Your fiancé doesn’t fuck you too much, does he?” He asked you trying to keep a conversation going his other hand caressing the inside of your thighs causing them to shake as you breathed out.

“He is always busy. S-so he doesn’t get to play with kitten that much. But kitten gets just as busy with things so-“ Your head rolled back as you let out a loud cry trying to keep your hips still.

“Mmm. It sounds like you both need to learn how to time manage.” Hoseok scolded fingering his digits faster inside of your pussy. Lewd squelching noises could be heard as he moved his three fingers inside of you. Your stomach tightened and Hoseok noticed every little movement you made.

“We try.” You huffed out gently.

“Try harder.” He growled at you, fucking growled at you. Crying out your head hit the sheets. He knew how wet that made you, how weak that got you. He started to shake his hand side to side pushing his thick fingers deeper inside of you. Using such force, he had to control himself, his veins popping out his neck and his muscles flexing as he let his speed pick up. He was rewarded with your wetness, your body writhing as you hollered out his name legs jerking. You squirted for him, the wetness getting on his arm and the sheets under you and a little bit on the bottom of his shirt. Hoseok moaned as he watched you continuing to pull your wetness from you for a few more seconds before he took his hand back. He grinned wickedly licking on his fingers watching you. “Well. I don’t think it’s your body that’s the problem. You both are probably doing something wrong.”

“Are you sure. It wasn’t just pure luck?” You asked breathing deeply against the sheets pushing back up to rest on your elbows. Hoseok eyes glinted with something you couldn’t read. Instead of saying anything he shoved his three fingers back inside of you shaking them like he had done moving them side to side.

“Hoseok!” You shouted out rolling back against the bed hips jerking as you tried to fuck his fingers your fingers pulling harder onto the sheets. He smirked in success pulling his fingers back after another round of your water covered the sheets and him. He licked his fingers again pulling off the white lab coat and throwing it on his desk. He rubbed his hands together going to get on his knees in front of you. He let his tongue lick up and down your slit. He leaned close to place his mouth on your pussy moaning as he licked your pussy slowly. He licked on your clit slowly and even slower he let his tongue move down to your entrance circling it around your opening before he pulled back and went down lower. Spreading your ass cheeks wide he pressed his warm tongue against your asshole. He looked up at you slowly sliding his tongue into your ass hole groaning as the tightness sucked him in and gripped around his muscle. He used his thumb to press back against your clit just holding it there causing you to let out a needy whine. Your hand move to grab at his hair.

“Who told you to touch the doctor?” Hoseok asked as he pulled back from you to peer down at you. Wordlessly you let his hair go but he slapped your pussy demanding an answer.

“No one! I’m sorry d..”

“D?” He asked and you puffed out your cheeks.

“I’m sorry doctor.” You replied coolly. He leaned forward to bite against your thigh leaving a purple hickey before he pulled back moving to open his drawer once again. He pulled out some toys moving back to the bed setting them down beside you.

He pressed a ridged dildo against your pussy. Turning on a little button to make it vibrate he rubbed it up and down your dripping pink slit. He tapped it against your entrance watching as it got coated with your juices. He slid in the toy into your pussy making sure it was deep inside thrusting it in and out slowly. His other hand grabbed at some lube under the bed, he poured it on crystal pink jeweled butt plug letting his fingers circle the toy around your entrance. Slowly he pushed it inside of your tight asshole. You grunted in slight pain and he leaned over to take your nipples back into his mouth sucking on them before he pulled back to let his mouth travel upwards. He sucked on your skin, tongue darting out to lick across your collarbone he littered your skin with dark bruises. He buried his face in your neck inhaling your intoxicating scent. Moaning your name softly he thrusted the toy harder inside of your pussy. The bumps and ridges grazed your walls causing your hips to circle. He pulled back to push his forehead against yours looking in your eyes. He pressed a few tiny kisses against your lips.

“Your pussy is talking baby girl. Let me hear you.” He cooed licking across your bottom lip and you nodded giving in. Opening your mouth a bit wider you moaned for him, his hand picking up the speed more with the toy he wanted to make you cum as many times as you would let him. He leaned down to lick across your clit nibbling on it gently. “I love it when my kitten is being so good for me.” He breathed out against your soaked pussy eyeing you with want and need the look alone had you wanted to cum.

“D-doctor please.” You breathed out head rolling back and back arching off the soft sheets gently.

“Yes go on.” He called out flicking his tongue faster against your pussy.

“Can I cum please?” You asked him, your stomach was tightening and you were gripping the toy for dear life. Hoseok hummed looking at you before he bit on the inside of your thigh humming against your skin. “No hold it.” He warned picking up speed yet again watching as your body trembled against the bed. You opened your mouth wanting to protest but with one flick of his wrist he was hard against your spot fucking you and he knew he had you. You continued to suck on the air licking your chapped lips cursing silently to yourself. You didn’t know how long you could last with him fucking your spot. Your body writhed against the sheets, sweat starting to form at the center of your forehead, your body was starting to heat up more it was crazy how much restraint you had. It hurt in the most pleasurable of ways. He licked up your pussy to your stomach licking around the flesh he bit harshly on your spot against your belly button causing you to holler out, your orgasm trickling down slowly as you released. Hoseok immediately pulled the toy back glaring down at you. He crawled on the bed gripping at your hair harshly he pulled you up.

“I’m so sorry!” You cried out but Hoseok wasn’t hearing it. He shoved the toy into your mouth with the vibrations still on. He jammed it into your mouth causing you to deepthroat it choking lightly he pushed it down your throat enjoying the spit that he was causing on falling from your lips down to your chin. Your eyes were watery but he had no mercy. He pulled the toy back slapping the wet item against your breast and your cheeks and shoved it back into your mouth to make you suck your juices off some more. Once he was done he turned off the toy and threw it on the bed, grabbing at his glasses to take them off so they wouldn’t be in the way anymore. He moved to grab at your ankles and you felt your stomach drop lower into your legs. You thought it would be over but Hoseok gripped at your ankles pulling you down and off the bed onto your knees.

You watched as he slowly stripped himself of all of his clothes and folded them up to press them on the desk. He looked at you walking towards you slowly. “You know what to do.” He said clenching his teeth.

“Yes daddy.” You mewled slightly grabbing his cock with your hands. Your hand pumped him once before your tongue went from your parted lips to flick across his slit. You started to suck on his head not wanting to tease the man anymore because you were in trouble. You started to suck harder on his shaft instantly hollowing your cheeks to suck him in deeper. Your hand played with his balls as you bobbed your head up and down quickly. He was loving it. His hands moved to tangle into your smooth locks, he pulled on your hair pulling your head down until you were taking him inch for inch. Your nose pressing against the base of his dick. You looked up at him, he spread his legs wide, moaning as you swallowed around him. Of course, you choked a little bit and your eyes watered but for him you took it all. Pulling back from him you moved your lips to lick across his balls sucking and playing with them your hand worked on stroking him faster. He growled slightly the pleasure building up in his body. Hoseok couldn’t hold too much. “On the bed. Now.” Hoseok weakly growled out voice quivering as he watched you move around.

You moved to crawl on the bed, laying on your back. Hoseok pulled you to him once again spreading your legs wide he let his cock twitch and tap against your heat. He started to grind himself against you crawling over you. Hoseok eyed you letting his cock get more wet with your juices. He let the tip of his cock graze against your clit. “You came without permission. So, in order for me to fuck you, then you need to beg.” He ordered in a stern voice.

“I want daddy inside of my tight little pussy. I need daddy to make it better to stretch me out. I need daddy pounding into me fucking my brain out. Making me weak taking my breath away. I want my daddy’s cum deep inside of my slutty little pussy. I want to feel every inch being slammed into me-“ Hoseok cut you off slamming his hips forward to bury himself inside of your tight pussy. His hand pressing against your throat lightly pinning you to bed he started to lurch his hips forward burying himself to the hilt each town he entered inside of you. Your voice failed you and it was replaced with screams and you were trying to focus on feeling every inch of him. Hoseok smirked taking out the anal plug from your asshole. His thumb was replaced and he thrusted it in and out of you causing you to feel more full and take him in. He used his dancing hips on you winding and grinding his hips against your body not breaking the space as his balls slapped your ass. He looked down at you feeling his cock throb inside of you the need to release was deep. Your walls were so warm and intoxicating and he couldn’t do anything but he had to hold out for you. Closing his hand tighter around your neck he closed off your air using his force to slide you up and down the bed with every thrust. He watched as the air drained from your body, your hands were beside you until your air was getting cut off. Slowly using all of your strength you whimpered out to press your hand on top of his as you were blacking out. Hoseok moved his thumb from your ass snapping against your spot. He released your throat barking out one demand.

“Cum.” Hoseok commanded using both hands to slam you down on his cock.

“Thank you, daddy!” You cried out as the pleasure rushed through your body. Your juices were slipping out of your pussy unstopped as Hoseok without mercy fucked you into the mattress. He watched you unravel and lose yourself for him. With a few more thrusts he was burying thick white loads of cum inside of you. He leaned over you moving his hands up your body to rest on his elbows. He rested on top of you breathing deeply. His colored hair plastered against his forehead as he looked at you with his bangs falling in his eyes. Sweat dripping off of his face Hoseok picked you up off of the bed shaking his head. He started to slam you up and down on his cock, your hands pressing down on his shoulder blades and you shouted out, your pussy feeling overstimulated and very sensitive. He fucked you like a ragdoll snapping his hips against yours bruising your hips with his own. Your ass was becoming sore again as the pain from the slapping came back. He smirked biting on your bottom lip as he let his erected cock plow into you. Since you were in such a state you were cumming again on his cock tears streaming down from your face as you let your voice ring out for him. Gibberish trying to come out as you spoke Hoseok groaned cumming with you releasing a few more ropes of cum. Your name falling from his lips and a few cruse words. He held your body against his pressing kisses up your neck before he laid sideways with you. Smiling softly down at you he played in your sweaty hair humming tiredly.

“How did I do princess?” He asked cupping your cheeks.

“Princess is thoroughly fucked and very happy now daddy.” You complimented your lover kissing his lips deeply. “Just promise you will never cheat.” You teased and he chuckled.

“I’m such a horrible doctor. I don’t think I would last all day. But I can cure your sadness. Because I’m your hope and your sunshine. But you’re my everything and nothing can compare to you. So don’t ever forget that.” He spoke softly. You let your fingers cup his cheek stroking his skin you giggled looking up at the ceiling.

“I’m glad you feel that way though because I don’t want to share-“ You were cut off by a soft snore and being startled you looked down at Hoseok who was fast asleep with one arm tightening around your waist keeping you close. Laughing softly you kissed on his lips shutting your eyes as well knowing that since he was buried inside of you he would wake you up with sex soon.

  • Doctor: What brings you here today?
  • Me: can you hear my heartbeat?
  • Doctor: yeah, of course. What seems to be the issue?
  • Me: tired of feeling never enough.
  • Doctor: have you tried anything to feel better?
  • Me: i close my eyes and tell myself that my dreams will come true.
  • Doctor [starts crying] : they'll be no more darkness...
Ten things I wish someone told me when I started HRT:

You can get hormone therapy in the United States without undergoing a long evaluation period or undergoing a ‘real life test’ if you seek out an ‘informed consent’ doctor or clinic. I waited over a year before seeking hormones because I did not want to place myself at the mercy of a mental health professional and I did not want a doctor ‘diagnosing’ my gender. Which brings me to…

They’re going to diagnose you anyway because they need an ICD code to bill your insurance company. I was furious when I found the diagnosis on my medical chart. It would have helped a lot if the doctor had asked my permission or explained that it was for insurance billing purposes only but he didn’t.

Hormone therapy drugs bought from overseas pharmacies are safe and will not cause ‘legitimate’ clinics to refuse treatment should you later decide to switch to a prescription. At the time the information I was able to find talked a lot about how trans women who use ‘black market’ hormones are not to be trusted and that a trans woman who uses such medications should be denied care until they can prove themselves ‘trustworthy,’ somehow. It is a lie.

There is absolutely zero evidence that injectable estrogens are more effective than oral estrogens. The fact is that the ‘advantage’ attributed to injectable estrogens is almost certainly placebo (and injectable placebo is known to be much more powerful than one administered orally). I could have saved myself a lot of discomfort and a serious leg injury caused by an improperly prepared injection.

Properly dosed, there is no reason that sublingual estradiol should be more effective than oral estradiol. The only thing that matters is that enough estradiol enters into your bloodstream and that is something that will be reflected in your labs.

Transdermal estradiol patches are itchy, smelly affairs that cost quite a lot of money and refuse to stay on. Knowing what I know now I would have avoided them entirely.

When I started hormone therapy my endocrinologist gave me conjugated equine estrogen because it came in smaller doses than 17β-estradiol. I was kept on conjugated estrogen for some time under the pretense that he was making sure I didn’t have any bad reactions to being on estrogen. Knowing what I know now I would have been able to argue that conjugated equine estrogen has a much worse side-effect profile than 17β-estradiol and that placing me on this drug unnecessarily endangered my body and my transition. Furthermore, the smallest doses available were far below a healthy dose needed to maintain bone and emotional well-being. Done again I would have insisted that I be started on a reasonable dose of 17β-estradiol.

Low progesterone is implicated in poor emotional health in women. Micronized progesterone is valuable to trans women for maintaining a healthy level of progesterone. I’ve personally benefited a lot, emotionally, from having it and I just wish I started using it sooner.

I wish someone had encouraged me to seek out other trans people as friends. At the time I first came out I didn’t really know there were other people out there that could really help me. The only thing I knew about being trans was what I was able to read online and in books and most of that firmly emphasized the idea that you should transition until you’ve had surgery and ‘pass’ and then disappear and that the people who ‘hung around’ the community were somehow failures. I know that’s not the truth, now, but it really messed me up early in my transition.

I wish someone told me to be cautious. I wish I was told that doctors and mental health professionals aren’t the last word and that if one decides that you’re a ‘failure’ or ‘actually a man’ it’s them that is wrong and not my own instincts regarding who I am. I also wish someone had given me a gentle nudge that some of the people I would meet in the trans community are not to be trusted and do not have my well being at heart. I feel that knowing those two things coming into that experience would have saved me a lot of grief.

Bring Me Back, Part Three: Don't Look Down

WARNINGS: Nothing that wasn’t in the previous parts.

Written for @breathingstops because I can’t resist a reader who buzzes.

(Hey, kids, find the “Firefly” reference!)


“They are released at the front and told to go home - this is all they know. But to get there they must fly over war. Can you imagine such a thing? Here you are flying over so much pain and terror - and you know you can never look down. You have to look forward or you’ll never get home. I ask you - what could be braver than that?”

There were days when Jack Harkness missed being a coward. He missed those days before you said to him: “Jack, if you wanna be better than this, then take my hand right now.” And then you saved him, and as much as Jack missed being a coward with zilch responsibilities, he couldn’t really imagine going back to the way he was before you took his hand and told him to run. He told you that, once. For some reason, you seemed to think it was hilarious.

So, when he realized he was going to have to dive into the fray of Cybermen, he thought of the day he took your hand, and he did not regret it. He thought of the Doctor, blood-stained and wasting away, and he did not question his motivations. He thought of what he was before and what he had become, and it did not occur to him to turn back. He was going to save you, and that was that.

The journey wasn’t pleasant. Vortex Manipulators were nasty little buggers, no matter how high-tech they got. But Jack, unlike the Doctor, never went to the wrong time and place (well, almost never), and he was relying on that to get him to you. And get to you, he did.

At first, all Jack saw was blood - but then he realized what he was looking at. Upgrading was messy business, and there were bits and pieces of… people… everywhere. What was left of them, anyway. Jack had seen worse, but the smell of electricity burning flesh made his gut lurch, and he tasted bile at the back of his throat. There were Cybermen everywhere, but they were going about there business and not paying much attention to their surroundings. They obviously weren’t worried about anyone escaping, which probably meant that the building was under some sort of lockdown, which also probably meant that you were still in here. You couldn’t have been upgraded yet, Jack knew, because he had timed his landing for just seconds after you were taken, but fear cut through him so forcefully-

He screamed your name.

Fear of death was something you had learned to let go of. It’s not the sort of thing you can hold onto, not if you want to keep running with the Doctor. But fear of death and fear of dying are two very different things, and fear of dying a terrible, agonizing death that would turn you into what was basically a mechanical zombie? Yeah, not an unreasonable fear in your current situation.

You had sort of forgotten that Cybermen could be really stupid. They had drugged you (which, ow, still really hurt, because there was a puncture wound on the back of your neck that throbbed), and then they just… forgot about you? They had dumped you next to an upgrading facility. Apparently, there was a waiting list, and thank goodness for that, because otherwise you would have been upgraded in your sleep.

It was probably the smell of burning flesh that woke you up. There weren’t anymore screams, thank God, although you could only assume that meant that everybody was so far into the upgrading process that they had just stopped screaming. Which, unfortunately, meant that there was no saving them. And as unfortunate as that was, you felt a sense of relief, because that meant that there was no one left for you to save, meaning that there was no reason for you to attempt any thrilling heroics. You could run away, and run away was what you did.

You ran back to where you were sure the Doctor had parked the TARDIS. You felt that giddy sense of freedom and the feeling you got every time you managed to surprise your ‘superior’ Time Lord. Nearly dying was awful, but the look on the Doctor’s face was always worth having to pull the hey-look-I-survived-another-near-death-experience card. You were ready, so ready, to jump into the TARDIS and surprise him, or wait for him if he didn’t get back first.

But the TARDIS wasn’t there.

You gaped at the empty space for a moment, uncomprehending, before you realized.

He left.

But, no. It was even worse than that, because of course the Doctor left. This whole building was set to blow if the Cybermen weren’t eradicated, and it was too late for that, so obviously he left. There was nothing here for him to be heroic for. The people were dead or dying and the Cybermen weren’t a threat as long as they stayed inside, which they had to do, because there was no way out. If the Doctor hadn’t left, that would have been stupid. But it was worse than all of that.

He left me.

You couldn’t believe it. You had seen the look in his eyes. The despair. Both of you had been so sure in that moment that you were past the point of no return, but- but- but you weren’t! You were here! You made it! You survived, you lived, you pulled the survival-beyond-expectations act like the Doctor did all the time, but where was he? Why hadn’t he waited? You would have! You would have waited until the last possible second to escape. You would have waited.

He left me.

The throbbing pain in your neck had bloomed into a nigh-unbearable ache that pulsed through your whole body, knocking painfully against the suddenly heavy weight of the TARDIS key resting between your breasts. Blood oozed from the cuts on your hands and dripped from your trembling fingertips. Your knees shook as you panted in panic. You were alone. The Doctor had never left you alone before, not like this, and- 

The building was under lockdown. It was full of Cybermen. It was set to blow sky-high.

You were going to die here.

You swayed on your feet, body throbbing and heart thundering and throat closing. Your skin crawled as your mind raced to keep up with your emotions. You were on the edge of a panic attack.

And then a hand grabbed yours.

You screeched, jumping sideways to escape, but the hand had a firm enough grip to pull you back, and you found yourself face-to-face with the one and only Captain Cheesecake and his absolutely dazzling, shameless grin.

“Jack?!” you shrieked, relief hitting you like a truck. Your whole body sagged. Jack was here. And if Jack got into this place without the TARDIS, that meant that there was a way out! You were going to live! You were going to get back to the Doctor!

Jack grinned, pulling your body flush against his. You immediately fell into an exaggerated swooning-damsel-in-distress pose that made his grin widen. You laughed.

“Hiya, sweetheart! I say we get outta here.”

3

Requested by fandoms-pizza-wifi-ym13


You let out a loud groan and threw your sketch pad onto the floor of your room on the TARDIS. You just could not get what was in your head onto the paper correctly, and it was getting frustrating.

“Everything alright in here?” the Doctor asked, poking his head into the room.

“I’m just a bad artist,” you said with a pout. You really wanted to be good, but all the practice just seemed to not do anything to help.

The Doctor reached down and picked up your sketch pad. “This is really good. What’s frustrating you?” he asked, walking over to stand next to you so you could both look.

“Her face looks stupid, and I don’t know how to get it right. Plus the background seems off and I don’t know how to make it look proportional,” you replied.

“You know, I don’t see that when I look at this,” the Doctor stated. Though, when he looked at your face, he could tell you weren’t going to take his word for it. “You know what, I have somewhere for us to go.”

“What do you mean?” you asked the Doctor.

“Follow me, and bring your sketch book. We’re meeting a friend of mine,” the Doctor replied, handing your sketchbook back to you.

After the familiar sound of the TARDIS flying through time and space, you stepped out, seeing what looked like old Italy.

“He should be right around here,” the Doctor said, walking through the town. You followed after him, holding your sketchbook to your chest protectively. “Ah, here we go. Hello, Leonardo!”

The man looked up from his own art. “Doctor,” he greeted in return, standing to shake the Doctor’s hand.

“Leonardo as in da Vinci?” you whispered to the Doctor. He nodded in return.

“Leonardo, this is my companion, Y/N,” the Doctor introduced. “She’s an aspiring artist, and has been struggling with her art. I was hoping you’d have a few words of wisdom.”

“May I see your artwork?” Leonardo asked you. You handed your sketchpad over, somewhat reluctantly. You didn’t want a world famous artist judging your work. He looked at it for a moment. “You definitely have talent. You have an eye for anatomy and space that it took me several studies to achieve. What have you been struggling with?”

“Faces, mainly. And proportions looked strange to me,” you replied.

“It’s your art, of course proportions look strange,” Leonardo stated. “Everyone’s art looks strange after you’ve stared at it for hours on end. That’s the nature of art and being an artist. Trust me, if you take a break for a bit, even if it’s to start another drawing, you’ll have fresh eyes for the piece.” He showed you the sketch that he’d been working on. It wasn’t one you recognized. “What do you see with this drawing?”

“It’s great! It looks like…” you struggled to find the right words, since you couldn’t compare it to a photograph. “Like the person is trapped in the page.”

“You don’t think this arm looks skinnier than the other? Because I do, and the only reason I’m not fixing it is because I gave up to work on another part,” Leonardo replied.

“Not at all, I think it looks perfect,” you replied.

“Well, that’s what your art looks like to me,” he stated, handing your sketchpad back. “Keep drawing. You’re doing great.”

The Doctor bid farewell to Leonardo, and the two of you walked back to the TARDIS. “So, how do you feel now?” he asked you.

“Thank you,” you thanked the Doctor, kissing his cheek. “I needed that.”

Music:

/myoozik/ 

noun: sedative

the only other non-drug, non-substance, mood-altering, nerve-calming medicine for times of hard-ship and love. Can relieve stress, depression, anxiety, or other troubles

Warning: music may cause intense feelings of happiness and rushes of adrenaline upon listening. Can be addictive. Be aware that you may develop love for a particular band, artist, album or song, and may be branded as a “fan”, “fangirl/boy”, or “obsessed” as a result. Use with caution.

Please consult your doctor to see if music is right for you

Bring Me Back, Part Two: Entanglement

WARNING: Depression (duh), character death (it won’t be a surprise), very mild language (nothing worse than I’ve written before), anorexia and self-harm (mentioned in the narrative but not directly seen), and Jack Harkness (definitely seen). This story might just be a little hard for some people to chew, so read cautiously. Also, just to help you understand the gravity, this is based off of real events in which I was basically this fic’s Jack Harkness.

Also, if I had actual drawing skills instead of just being a maker of tribal-looking paisley patterns, this would be the fic I would draw art for. SO MANY SAD DRAWINGS.

This MIGHT end up being four parts instead of three. I dunno. Shame on me.

More angst, but also some fluff at the end. But mostly angst. Original concept requested by @pianovata


In 1935, physicist Erwin Schrödinger created a theoretical experiment on a paradox of quantum physics, specifically quantum superposition. The experiment theorized a scenario in which a cat is held inside a steel box with a radioactive atom. Whether the cat lived or died was completely dependent upon whether the atom decayed (emitting deadly radiation) or remained stable. Since there is a fifty-fifty chance of either, as long as the cat remains in the box and therefore unobserved by another party, the cat is theoretically both alive and dead at the same time, because neither option can be confirmed or denied until the box is opened. Schrödinger termed this kind of experiment as Verschränkung, which means entanglement.


The Doctor screamed.

He went out. No, he really went out. Not to scream at the skies (well, that hadn’t been the plan), or to exact revenge upon Cybermen (been there, done that). He just went out. Exploring. The Doctor, as usual, but with just a bit more alone-ness than there ought to have been. But that was okay. He needed the alone, because he couldn’t handle togetherness quite yet. Not without you. He thought of going to see Donna and Wilf, but he dismissed the thought when he realized that they would ask where you were. Then they would be mourning too, not to mention that they would both fuss over him horribly. He didn’t want to be fussed over.

He ended up on a planet known for its long nights and amazing night skies. He had been there before, plenty of times, to see the famous stars that danced on blue ink. He had never brought you here, but he had planned to. It was where he wanted to propose to you.

A cliff-side in the middle of fall season was the Doctor’s preferred observation spot. Still warm enough to be comfortable but cold enough that you would have snuggled up against him for warmth. That’s what you would have done. He knew you would have. And you would have liked this place. And you would have liked stargazing with him, and you would have listened while he babbled random trivia about the alien constellations, and whether or not you understood it, you still would have made him feel like the cleverest man in the universe.

Would you have stayed awake all night? He had to wonder, even as he nestled into the soft grass that smelled like pine so that he could gaze up at the glittering sky. Or would you have fallen asleep with your head on his shoulder? And if that had happened, would he have stayed there with you until morning so that you could wake under the planet’s vibrant sunrises, or would he have carried you back to the TARDIS and tucked you in?

A tear rolled down the side of the Doctor’s face and got caught in his sideburn, tickling wetly against his skin. He harshly pawed at his face to rid himself of the sticky tear-track, but even as he did, his eyes stung with fresh tears that burned and welled up and out so that they could streak hotly against his skin.

His lip was wobbling, he realized. His whole face was folding, squinting, trying to rid itself of tears that burned his eyes and were too hot for his skin. The stars above him blurred and he turned onto his side and curled into the fetal position, pressing his face into his sleeves.

“Stop it!” he gasped harshly on a sobbing exhale, humiliated as the tears poured freely and made his sleeves damp. “Stop it, damn you!”

The TARDIS sang a mourning song and the Doctor screamed.

Out, said the TARDIS, out, out, out, out.

“No,” snapped the Doctor, scratching at the stubble on his chin that had grown unchecked in his negligence. “No.”

Out.

The Doctor threaded his fingers through his limp, un-groomed hair. His tie was askew, falling off, his clothes were rumpled and unwashed, and there was still blood on his jacket from where you had gotten a nasty cut on the forehead and he had used his jacket to stop the bleeding. He hadn’t meant to let himself fall so completely to pieces, but it had just been so easy to forget, especially without you there to remind him. He hadn’t eaten since… before. Before when, he wasn’t sure, but it had been long enough that the hunger pains had stopped and he no longer felt it. The empty space in his gut was gone, too. It had tightened up and swallowed itself. The idea of eating made him fell a bit sick.

Eat.

“No, you stupid machine.”

He had been doing better. He really had. But his most recent breakdown had left him worse off than before.

Out!

The TARDIS turned on every single alarm that she had until the Doctor was forced to leave in order to escape the noise.

Her name was River Song. When she saw him, she gasped, pressing her hand to her painted mouth as her eyes filled with shine. It was pity and it was terrible and the Doctor hated it. He knew he looked a fright. He had shaved, yes, and gotten his suit into halfway-decent shape, but the shadows under his eyes were dark, like he had taken a few hits, and his skin was pasty and clinging and that the hollows of his cheeks and the spaces between his ribs had drawn in, making him look like he ought to be on a mortician’s slab.

She hugged him, held him close, and he struggled away. He was not for her. He was for you. She didn’t get to hold him that way. And it hurt. Her hands traveled down his sides, stinging the red lines where he had dug his nails into his skin and dragged them across the dipping planes of his sunken ribcage.

That wasn’t the worst part of their meeting.

Professor Song whispered a name in his ear, and it was your name. The secret one, the Gallifreyan one that he had given to you when he decided that he wanted to marry you, the one that he whispered in your ear like a prayer, the one that he taught you how to say so that one day you would have an easier time pronouncing his true name. (Because he wanted to tell you, he wanted, he wanted, he wanted.) She shouldn’t have said that name, it wasn’t for her, and hearing it on the lips of someone other than you or himself made his empty gut twist painfully.

How do you know that name?" He was on the edge of the Oncoming Storm, right on the edge, waiting to fall and become rage and fury incarnate. It would be so easy. He was already falling. "How the hell do you know that name?!”

She smirked at him even as she prepared for her own death (and she was just like that, wasn’t she, that brokenhearted creature who prodded at the empty spaces of his body and just knew?). The death that should have been his. The death that he wanted. She was taking it like she expected no less. "Shouldn’t I know it?“

"That was the name I gave her,” he snarled, torn between hate and despair as she stole a secret that was his but then took it to her early grave of sacrifice in his place. "No one else knows that name, no one!“

She knows it,“ River said.

"She’s dead, damn you!”

There was a great deal of fuss after that. Handcuffs were definitely involved. He insisted, screamed, that time could be rewritten, that this could all be undone, that she could live if only she would just listen to him, but she didn’t listen.

“River, NO!”

“Goodbye, sweetie. You’ll see me again.”

She didn’t listen.

The Doctor didn’t like interventions. They were usually helpful to him, in the end, but while they happened, they could be very unpleasant and certainly unwelcome. Especially when they came from people who cared more about him than they cared about his privacy.

And if there was one thing Jack Harkness didn’t give a darn about, it was privacy.

“You’re a mess,” Jack said. He was in Captain Mode, the Doctor noticed with a painful prickle of irritation running up and down his spine and around his torso. “What the hell, Doc?”

“Get off my TARDIS,” the Doctor muttered, pulling away.

“Your TARDIS called me,” Jack said, tone not allowing for any measure of nonsense. The Doctor scowled, but Jack frowned right back at him. “I thought you were in trouble. I didn’t think you’d be this.”

The Doctor swayed on his feet for a moment, empty and cut under his suit. He felt scabs break and weep thin creases of blood into his skin, following rusty trails of blood that had run and dried in the days before. He reeked of blood, and it made his head spin and he flung himself forward, knocking into Jack’s side.

Jack took the blow and didn’t fall. The Doctor had no strength, no weight, and his whole body falling against Jack was nothing to the captain. The Doctor bit and scratched uselessly, trembling fists batting at Jack, while Jack wrapped one arm around the Doctor’s skinny middle and hauled.

“I’m not your punching bag,” Jack grunted, slapping the Doctor’s fists away as he dragged the smaller man out of the console room. “Just because you’re angry. Where’s your girlfriend, huh? Because if you tried to dump her for her own good, we are going right back and getting her, mister. Pray that she takes your miserable ass back after all the bull you’ve put her through.”

The Doctor whined like a broken electronic shutting down, curling his fingers into the captain’s coat.

“C'mon. How long has it been since you ate?”

“Dunno,” the Doctor murmured.

Jack kicked the door to the kitchen without waiting for the TARDIS to open it, dragging the Doctor at his side as the lights flickered on, dim and gentle. The Doctor dropped limply into a chair, supporting himself on the small dining table, while Jack pushed him into a position that might be more comfortable. He gripped the Doctor’s jaw gently, examining the hollowed face and cringing at what he found.

“You’re dehydrated,” Jack said sharply, scolding, like a worrisome mother who had caught her child playing in the snow without a coat. The Doctor didn’t respond.

The Doctor choked when Jack pressed something into his mouth and suddenly there was water, cold and crisp and filling his throat without being invited. He gagged, spewing water back up and allowing it to dribble out the side of his mouth, before his body suddenly remembered what water was like and how much he needed it. He swallowed greedily, burning his unused throat before soothing it with cool softness. Jack dabbed the spilled water off of his face, gentle, gentle, gentle with the spindly leftovers of what was once a great man.

“What happened, Doc?” Jack asked when the Doctor had finally had his fill of water. The Doctor huffed out small puffs of breath as the water soothed his insides, like a wash over a dirty floor. The dust in his systems was being cleared out.

“She’s gone,” the Doctor rasped.

The color drained from Jack’s face. His mouth opened, closed, opened again, and gasped silently like a fish as his knees trembled. He shook once, violently, before he reached out and gripped the Doctor’s bony arm with all the force of a vice. The Doctor whimpered and Jack immediately released his hold, snatching his hand back like the Doctor’s arm had become a snake.

“… How?” asked Jack.

The Doctor exhaled heavily. “Cybermen.”

Jack hissed angrily. “Did she… did she become one of them or did they… did they delete…?”

“I don’t….” The Doctor curled even further into himself than he already was, drawing his knees up to his chest. “I don’t know.”

At this, Jack stilled. He tilted his head to the side, eyes lighting up oddly. “You don’t… know.”

“No.”

“You mean you didn’t see her die.”

“They took her away!” The Doctor snapped. “She couldn’t have escaped, she-”

“Nuh-uh!” Jack cut the Doctor off, jumping a little bit on his heels before he knelt face-to-face in front of the Doctor. “So in all likeliness, she’s dead.”

The Doctor snarled.

“Okay,” Jack continued, “but you didn’t see-”

The Doctor rallied strength that he shouldn’t have had and smacked Jack across the face.

“She’s dead, Jack,” the Doctor whimpered, withdrawing as Jack rubbed the red side of his otherwise perfect face. “She’s dead and I don’t know how they did it but I know it hurt her and I know she was afraid and I know she probably died wondering why I didn’t come to save her and I don’t want to know any more.”

Jack stared. The Doctor stared back, brown eyes unable to shed tears.

And then a small smile graced Jack’s face. “Now, Doc, I’m surprised at you. You’re always talking about what a superior Time Lord you are, but you didn’t think of Schrödinger’s cat. Shame one you.”

The Doctor blinked rapidly. “What?”

“Schrödinger’s. Cat.” Jack booped the Doctor on the nose. “Y'know. With equal chances of death and survival, the cat is theoretically both alive and dead as long as it remains unobserved?”

“I know what Schrödinger’s Cat is, Jack, but I don’t-”

“Ah-ah-ah!” Jack scolded. “You didn’t see the cat. The cat is dead, but it is also alive. And this would be completely inapplicable, however… I have a Vortex Manipulator, and you have a big Time Machine. Schrödinger would be insanely jealous.”

Jack jumped up to his feet, bouncing as he went, and snatched a banana off of the counter, which he tossed to the Doctor. The Doctor caught it, barely, and couldn’t seem to decide if he wanted to look at Jack or the banana.

“You eat at least three bites of that before I get back,” Jack said firmly, pointing at the banana.

The Doctor cocked an eyebrow at the captain.

“No arguments,” said Jack. “I assume the coordinates of the tragic separation are still in the TARDIS computer?”

The Doctor nodded.

“Good. Off I go, don’t wait up for me, and please eat something. I would hate to have to force-feed you, but that doesn’t been I won’t do it, Doctor!”

And then Jack bolted from the room, leaving a very confuddled Doctor behind with no clue of what was going on. And a banana.