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Just as you had suspected, this was all Lafayette’s idea. Honestly, you should’ve expected that with how cryptic he was being before. He said that Alex and Philip can be very similar sometimes, he knew some shit like this would work of Alex and that meant it would probably work on Philip as well. Eliza was the second to know about and she let Alex in on it after Philip asked to bring Theodosia. Angie said she just had a feeling something was going on so she joined in. The weird part was that Jefferson wasn’t part of the plan at all. According to Laf, Thomas just wanted to piss off Hamilton, to say it worked would be an understatement.
“That magenta obsessed lunatic! He has the nerve to try and accuse you and then do something so vile? He would be wise to apologize to you for putting you through something so traumatic! That man better not ask me about you or I swear there will be hell to pay.” You told him that that wouldn’t happen but you were wrong. It totally did. You had to hear Alex rant for at least three hours about how disrespectful it is to ask a man about someone who was basically his daughter. Dadexander is back at it again, I see! You knew that this was all just an excuse to make Alex upset but you were honestly touched that he was so protective of you. Angie was probably the most excited.
“I am so happy for you! We already discussed that I am already the bridesmaid, my speech has already been written! Would you like to hear it?” You told her to slow her roll, but she always seemed to know something you didn’t. She was seventeen now and you were always amazed by how incredible she was. She was only a year younger than you were when you first came here, you felt very old all of a sudden just thinking about it. Ever since that night after the ball, you and Philip were inseparable. Eliza helped you learn how to dance properly; Philip was your partner. Alex asked you to help him write papers for him, Philip would sit beside you and make sure you didn’t try and write too fast. There was a moment when you had to bring tea to his room really late at night because he refused to sleep. No matter how many times he insisted that you go to bed, you refused.
“Sunshine, it isn’t fair for me to go to sleep and leave you awake and miserable. Either we both go to sleep and be happy or we both stay up and be cranky. The choice is yours!”
“Ugh! Why do you have to use your beautiful mind against me? Aren’t you supposed to love me or something?”
“I do love you, and that’s precisely why I have to stop you before you pass out and stain your pretty little face with ink.” You pouted.
“Are you trying to say I wouldn’t be pretty if I had ink on my face?” He teased.
“I like your freckles not to be covered in ink so yes. But don’t change the subject, you need to sleep.” He got up from his chair and wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his head on your shoulder.
“But I really have to finish this!” He groaned, you felt his hair scratch at your cheek and you giggled.
“No, you really need to sleep, love!” He nuzzled his face into your neck.
“If I go to sleep I can’t see your radiance. What’s a man to do?”
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” You quoted. “As long as your mind holds my image, your eyes will not need me.” That was enough to convince him to go to sleep, you kissed him goodnight and left. You always felt like you were floating after he kissed you, it was like a force of energy would wave over you.
Lafayette left a couple weeks later, you told him to keep in touch with you. You were glad to have made a new friend out of all that nonsense. Eliza had been slowly taking you off maid duties. She told you that it wasn’t intentional but you got the feeling it was. She would insist that you wear your casual dress more and more. Today was one of those days, however Philip invited you to go into town with him and Angie decided to tag along because she wanted to look for new petticoats. You’d never been out in public with Philip before so you were a bit nervous. Luckily that didn’t last long because as soon as the carriage pulled into the town and you got out with Philip on your arm, that feeling of anxiety melted away. There was a mix of indoor and outdoor shops, the sounds flowed around you. It was chilly outside but you didn’t mind, it was comfortable enough for you. For some you thought of the memory with your last night with Anna. How hot and sticky it was, how close to summer it was, how happy the two of you were. Onism. Philip pulled away from you.
“Would you mind going with Angie for a little bit? I have to go talk to a make an errand really quick.”
“An errand? Alright, I don’t mind. Just be back soon because I don’t want to leave you without a ride back.” You joked, he gave you a peck on the cheek and quickly left you with Angie. She giggled and wriggled her eyebrows.
“You two are simply adorable!” She squealed. “I wish you two would just get married already! I hate this waiting game!” You rolled your eyes.
“I’m sure you do Angie, I’m sure you do.”
“How much longer do you think he’s going to wait?”
“I-I don’t know! I haven’t exactly thought about it! Although, that’s not to say I wouldn’t be opposed to it…” You felt your face heat up, an interesting contrast to the cool air. You and Angie stopped in front of a table displaying various glass pieces. You felt an icy chill roll up your spine, the presence was back. What the hell? It’s happened outside before…
Seven. Three. Seven. Three. Seven.
Why are you doing this?
Help. Don’t run.
Don’t run? What does that mean? You felt something touch your arm, you flinched.
“Hey, TT! Are you alright? You spaced out there!” Angie said with concern. You shivered and shook away the ominous feeling painted against your back.
“Yes, I’m alright, just cold.” You chuckled. The two of you continued to look at the different shops for a while and it gave you time to think. Mrs. Y/N Hamilton… Angie was right, that does sound nice. We don’t have to rush anything; we don’t have to get married any time soon. I just wonder when, will it be a mutual decision, will it be spur of the moment, will it be carefully planned out? Ugh, I feel ridiculous. What am I, a soccer mom? Well, soccer isn’t really a thing here yet, I guess. Your thoughts were interrupted by Angie.
“Oh would you look at that, Philip finally decided to come back and join us!” Your mood instantly perked up as you searched the crowd. Philip was moving past everyone but he didn’t seem happy. To be more precise, he looked completely pissed. He approached the two of you and huffed an uneasy breath.
“Come on, we’re leaving.” What?
“But I haven’t found my petticoats yet!” Angie whined.
“We need to leave! We can come back tomorrow.” He sounded like he was in a rush.
“Philip, what’s going on? Are you okay?” You tried to ask.
“I’ll tell you when we get home, I promise. But we really need to go.” You and Angie followed him to the coach, his leg was bouncing the entire way to the estate. You tried to calm him down a to calm him down but he wasn’t acting like himself. He seemed distraught and antsy. When the carriage pulled into the yard he practically jumped out. As the three of you made it into the house, you asked him what was wrong again. This time he said that he had to talk with Alex first. You suggested that you make tea and that you’d join them, he agreed.
“Don’t say anything too important without me!” You tried to lighten his mood, he leaned forward and kissed your forehead before walking down the hall. You went into the kitchen and quickly prepared the tea, Eliza would kill you if she saw that you were working in your nice dress. You set the cups on a tray with everything else and made your way over to the study. You were about to knock on the door when you heard a passing conversation.
“Where is this happening?” Alex asked. Where’s what happening?
“Across the river in Jersey, everything is legal in New Jersey.” Philip explained. Has he ever been to Jersey?! Nothing is legal there!
“Alright, so this is what you’re going to do. Stand there like a man until Eacker is front of you. When the time comes, fire your weapon in the air. This will put an end to the whole affair.” What…
“But what if he decides to shoot? Then I’m a goner!”
“No, he’ll follow suit if he’s truly a man of honor. To take someone’s life, that is something you can’t shake. Philip, your mother can’t take another heartbreak.” Your hands were shaking, the tray quaking.
“Promise me, you don’t want this young man’s blood on your conscious!”
“Okay, I promise…”
“Come back home when you’re done, take my guns. Be smart, make me proud son.” The tray fell from your hands; glass, tea, cream and sugar spilled across the floor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
“No!” You yelled as you busted through the door. Alex and Philip jumped in surprise, but Philip was immediately concerned. “You are not going!” You felt tears rolling down your cheeks and stepped over the broken tea set.
“Hey, hey, hey now! Calm down love.” Philip tried to soothe you.
“No! I’m not going to calm down! You are not going to that duel!” Philip laid his hands on your shoulders comfortingly.
“I have to, he disparaged my father’s legacy in front of a crowd. I can’t have that! And he tried to-” He tried to justify. Ellipsism. Your shoulders shook the opposite reason, you interrupted him.
“And I can’t lose you…not again, Philip… please just stay alive for me… Is that too much to ask?” You hiccupped. I just got him back, he is not leaving me again! Philip pulled you into his arms, you buried your face into his chest. “Please don’t go… I love you… The sun has to come out tomorrow….” You clutched onto him, you hated feeling weak but at this point you didn’t care. If showing yourself in a ‘weak’ state was enough to make him stay than you held no qualms. You didn’t care what happened, what would change because of this. You just knew that you needed him to stay.
“Okay, Okay, it’s going to be okay Star! Please stop crying…” You shook your head. Alex stood up from his seat and made his way over to the two of you.
“Titania, I assure you, everything will be alright. You must try and calm down, we don’t want you to have another fit.”
“I won’t go, just please don’t make yourself sick!” You calmed down a little bit after hearing him say that. He pulled you away and gave you his handkerchief, he tried to help you wipe away your tears with his hands. “Come on now, where’s my sparkle at?” He smiled. You couldn’t stop yourself from cracking a grin. He always knows what to do to make me smile… He told you to grab your Midsummer Night’s Dream book and come back so that you could read a little bit together. You did so and the two of you spent most of the day picking out different parts of the play that stood out to you. You all had dinner together and as the sun set, everyone began to retire for the evening. Now you stood in front of the door to your room, holding Philip’s hand.
“Remember, you promised Angie another trip into town, I’m going to hold you to that!”
“I will, I will! I’m a man of my word after all!” The huge grin on his face changed to a nervous smile. “Um, after breakfast tomorrow, would you mind meeting me in the garden? There’s… something that I…need to ask you. It’s pretty important so…” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
“Of course! I uh, I mean sure, that sounds fine. I’ll see you there.” You tried desperately to keep your cool. He looked down at you with soft eyes and caressed your cheek.
“I love you so, so, so much. I love you more than anything else. You are my fallen star and I would do anything for you, you know that right?” He asked, very seriously.
“Of course I do, Philip. I couldn’t forget that even if I wanted to. You’re the only sunshine that matters to me…” He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips into yours. Yours seemed to fit perfectly with his and the feeling of being stopped in time never changed. He pulled away slightly and you slowly opened your eyes.
“Good… it’s just nice to hear that every once in a while.” He grinned. You are such a cheeseball!
“Well, I’m will to tell you that any time!” You chuckled.
“You’re adorable… I’ll see you in morning, my starlight. I hope you have sweet dreams.” He gave your hand one last squeeze before letting go and making his way down the hall and out of your sights. You went inside your room and closed the door behind you. You ran over to your bed, slammed your head into the pillow and legit screamed. You rolled over and tried to stop smiling, you couldn’t. Philip Hamilton has a very important question to ask me. And he has to ask it in the place where we gave each other our nicknames and shared our first kiss… I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE! I feel like the only person who could be happier than me about this is Angie! You suddenly felt exhausted. I am emotionally drained… You tried to get up so that you could change your clothes but your body wouldn’t move. What the fuck…? You were paralyzed, your eyes began to shut. Your sight was filled with blackness, there was nothing. You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t move, you couldn’t see, all you could do was hear.
Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run.
Those words echoed in your mind, over and over and over again. Your eyes shot open but it was dark, you were able to roll out of bed and managed to light the candle on your desk. How long have I been asleep? You looked around and noticed something strange. There was folded up piece of paper laying on the floor. You picked it up and saw ‘My Star’ written on the front. What’s this? You opened it up and began to read its contents.
My dearest Starlight,
I write this letter to you with a heavy heart. I could not keep my word to you. As the eldest son, it is my responsibility to shoulder the legacy of my father. Mr. Eacker has sullied the name of not only my family but of you as well. My honor prevents me from backing down against this man’s words, I shall meet him at dawn. If you are reading this, it means that I have not survived the duel. I pray that these letters never meet your beautiful eyes, so that I may see them when the morning comes. I shall not let a tear stray from my eye, I must be strong, if not more myself than for you. Please, take care of my family. They will need you if I am gone. Do not, for a single moment believe that this could be in anyway your fault. My death will be on my hands, no one else’s. It is odd, in the time I need to use my talent in writing the most, I cannot find my words. How does one say goodbye to the person they barely got a chance to be with? My love, it is impossible. What am I to say to you? This letter will have to be short, or else it will be one hundred pages long. I will wait for you, as the world changes and grows so will you. I’ll wait as long as it takes to see your face again. I will bleed and fight for you. If you do read this, do not become stuck on me. Move on, be happy, live your life to the absolute fullest because my love for you will never die, even if I myself do. I will watch over you from the heavens, you shall never be alone. My love, my star, my everything, take your time. I shall see you, one day, on the other side.
With love, P. Ham, your sunshine
You let the page fall from your hands and flutter to the floor. Dawn… It’s not dawn yet! You ran out of the room, through the hall, into the main room and out the door. You were frantic, you didn’t think about anything you were doing, just moving. Philip, don’t you dare do this to me! You rushed over to the stables and hurriedly led one of the horses out. Sorry to meet you like this old friend… No time for saddles today! You hoisted yourself over and onto the horses back, clutching onto her mane. Sorry if this hurts old girl. You gave her a little kick to the side and she took off, you held on tight to make sure you wouldn’t fall over. You rode into town and saw a few people waking up to prepare for the day, how could everything be so calm? You remembered the path down to the Hudson from the time you and Eliza decided to go for a stroll there. You looked around and saw the sky changing from its deep blue, it was slowly lightening and various other colors peeked from the horizon. The sun’s not up yet, I still have time! You made it to the edge of the river and hopped off the horse. There was a man on a small boat pulling into the dock.
“Excuse me sir! Did you just let a group of men across?” You asked him, completely out of breath. He looked at you incredulously.
“Yes, ma’am. They just rode in not too long ago.”
“Can you take me across? Please!” You begged.
“I can, but aren’t you worried about your horse?” He asked, you ran over to boat and jumped in, it shook under the pressure.
“There’s no time for that! Please!” You reinforced. As he began to paddle the boat across you asked him. “Where did they go?”
“Near Weehawken, ma’am. Crazy fools are looking for a fight, plain as day.” This was the first time you had a chance to process what was happening. I’m coming Philip, don’t do anything crazy! You were starting to feel the weight of guilt. He just had to do this! Why couldn’t I stop him? Was it not enough? Will he never be satisfied? The boat hit the other side and your hurried off, giving the man a pressed thank you. The ground was muddy from the river but the further out you went, the drier it became. The lines in the sky were becoming more and more orange. Tears burnt your eyes as you felt your legs get weaker. I can’t stop! Keep going, damn it! You heard something faint in the distance.
The number of years after I realized I loved you. You forced yourself to keep going.
The number of baby’s breath you gave me on our night in the garden. You thought you could see them.
The number of times I had to betray you. You stumbled a bit but kept running.
The years that we’ve been together. You could see him, he raised his gun in the air.
The amount of flowers that were in my hair when you first kissed me and told me you loved me. You saw them marching away from each other, you changed your direction slightly. Left
The number of Hamilton children who love me. You were only a few feet away from him, he saw you. Your body shot against his.
Right now. Bang.
There was a moment, a single moment where everything felt alright. Time had no control over you. History has its eyes on you, and yet you controlled it at the same time. You hugged Philip’s side as the two of you fell. That moment however, was only a moment. And that’s all it took. You felt a shot of pain come from the right side of your forehead. It was excruciating. You landed on the ground, Philip underneath you. Your head banged against his ribcage, something wet rolled down your face and seeped into your right eye. Blood. You felt yourself be moved and Philip was hovering over you. His eyes were filled a mix of terror and denial.
“S-s-star…? Y-you…you’re…” His breathing was heavy and erratic.
“I…made a pretty big entrance…huh?” You tried to laugh but the pain was too much.
“Doctor! Don’t just stand there, help her!” He yelled out, his eyes were glistening. Another man appeared your side and he examined you for a moment.
“This is very serious; we need to get her out her right now! Is there anywhere we can take her that’s close by?” He asked.
“My aunt’s house, it’s just at the edge of city! Ride in the carriage with me and fix her, please!” You sound so overcome…I don’t like that. Philip lifted you up into his arms and ran, your eyes fluttered open and shut. Before you knew it, you were in a carriage, Philip carefully shaking your shoulders. “Don’t fall asleep, my love. How can I see your radiance when you’re asleep? Keep your eyes open for me, don’t stop looking at me. Don’t look at the doctor, just pay attention to me, okay?” You felt something touch the side of your head. Then the musket in your head, the one embedded in your skull, was ripped out. You screamed, you never thought a person could experience something so agonizing. Philip squeezed your hand tightly to try and get your attention. “Shh, I know, I know! I know it hurts, love. But it’s going to be okay! Save your strength, you’ll stay alive!” You reached your trembling hand up and caressed his cheek. A few tears hit the edge of your palm.
“You’re right… So, d-don’t cry, sunny. I’m going to be… just fine…” You felt a cloth hit the gaping hole in your head you winced. The carriage stopped and before you knew it, you were being carried inside a large house. A familiar female voice was asking Philip questions; of which he didn’t know how to answer.
“Go inform Alexander and my sister!” You heard someone run out and shut the door. “Bring her in here, Philip!” He held you close as he rushed into a different room, the only thing you could notice about it were the large windows. The sun was rising, the light filling the room. You were laid onto some sort of sofa, but Philip didn’t leave your side or let go of your hand.
“The doctor is going to clean your wound now; it’s probably going to hurt like hell. But you can handle it! I know you can!” The cloth was peeled off your blood clotted skin, something wet was poured onto your injury. It burned. You bit your lip to stifle another screech. Philip kissed your knuckle. “See? I knew you could handle it!”
“Yes, my star?”
“I know I’m going to be fine and all…but it would really help me feel better if we talked for a little bit.”
“Of course, what would you like to discuss?”
“You said that… you wanted to ask me something in the garden… What was it?” You asked breathlessly.
“My plan was to…ask for your hand in marriage. I was going to the ring in the patch of baby’s breath that grows every spring…” He chuckled sadly.
“That…sounds perfect… I feel like the wedding will be beautiful… Angie already declared herself Maid of Honor…” Your breathing was starting to become shallow. “Can you tell me… what happens after that?”
“We’ll get a place in the city, because I know you love the energy there. We’ll start rallies to abolish slavery, our generation will be the one to do it. But we won’t stop there, we won’t stop until everyone is free, all women, immigrants and those like my sister in the likes. It’ll be hard but we’ll always come out on top. Because nothing in this world is stronger than us…” He smiled wistfully. His smile is so perfect…
“I’m glad that… at least one of us had a plan…”
“Has!” He corrected, you nodded.
“Right, silly me. Has.” He took a moment to look at you, he fell apart in front of your eyes.
“This is all my fault! I should have listened to you! If I had, then you’d… then you’d be… I’m so sorry!” You him by the cravat and pulled him in close with all the strength you had in your body. You kissed his cheek, wishing you could do and say more.
“This isn’t your fault, if any one should be sorry it’s me. I’m sorry for not always being there for you, even if I wanted to. I’m so sorry for every time I’ve ever lied to you. I’m sorry for not loving you for as long as I wanted to. Philip, I’m sorry but I couldn’t let you die before me. I did this and I don’t regret it. I’m not sorry for doing this.” You said with a dark tone, he sighed.
“I…don’t know what I’m going to do without you…”
“Live.” His eyes widened. “You’re going to do all those things you said you’d do with me. Even if I’m not there with you. You’re going to live and grow and be happy! This isn’t some Shakespearian tale, we aren’t Romeo and Juliet or Pyramus and Thisbe. Our love didn’t come from some love at first sight encounter. We were friends, we cared about each other, we got mad at one another but that’s what made it real! We grew together and you’re going to keep growing without me. Because you know that’s what I’d want…” It was getting harder to talk but you refused to give up your chance. The doctor took another look at your head, he couldn’t seem to find a way to fix it. You could read his face and you were satisfied with that. You heard footsteps getting louder and louder, a door busted open.
“Come in Mr. Hamilton.” The doctor instructed. You saw faces appear by your side. Alex, Eliza, Angie, AJ, Jamie, Johnny, Willy and Lizzy. Your family was here.
“Philip…what happened?” Alex asked with fear.
“I did exactly as you said Pop…I held my head up high… But even before we got to ten…she was pushing me aside…” Alex looked over at the doctor and he was given the same look you were.
“Is she going to survive this? Who did this? Alexander do you know?” Eliza’s voice was going by a mile a minute. All of this sounded familiar. Your eyesight was fazing in an out, like a camera trying to keep itself in focus.
“I want to say…so many things…But I don’t think I have the strength to… In my room, under my pillow, you’ll find some things that will tell you what I can’t…”
“TT…you’re greatest big sister I could ever hope to have…” Angie sniffled.
“Eliza…” You whispered.
“Do you remember… how you counted on my first day with you…and the round that we made the warmup?” She nodded. “Could you…and all the children…sing that for me? I think…it would help me feel a little calmer…”
“Of course, dear! Anything for one of my girls!” Her voice cracked. She looked at all the children, they were in tears but were being very brave. I’m so proud of them… You looked at Philip, asking for him to sing for you.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq…” Eliza and all the younger children started, Philip remembered what to do.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf…” He sang to you softly.
“Good…” Your eyes felt heavy.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq…” So tired….
“Un…” You stopped him.
“I love you…” Was the last thing you were able to say.