“You almost ready Dani?” Chris called from the bedroom. Today was the day of his mother’s family cookout, and we promised to show. “Y-Yeah just give me a minute” I answered. Standing in front of the bathroom sink, I stared deeply at my reflection in the mirror as my hands roamed my flat stomach. ‘There was life in here and now it’s gone…’ I thought to myself.
After the dealing with the healing process from the attack, the fact that I miscarried really didn’t have a chance to sink in, given that Chris tried his best to occupy my mind; but I knew that realizing what happened is also a part of healing from this.
Hearing the door pry open snapped me from my thoughts, “What’s taking yo…”, looking down Chris noticed and knew exactly where my head was at. Walking into his arms he planted a kiss upon my forehead, “It’s okay baby” he soothe.
“I just can’t believe it” I mumbled. Chris pulled me back to get a good look at my face, “I can’t either but hey look at the brighter side. We’re both in good health with a healthy and growing boy” he tried to assured.
“But he or she’s not!” I snapped pointing at my stomach. Chris sighed, “Dani…”
“Forget it Christopher, just forget it. Aren’t you ready to go because I am. Jojo come on baby!” I yelled out pushing past Chris.
- - - -
The car ride was mostly quite for the time being. I just wasn’t in the mood to talk, and now I’ll have to put on this facade and pretend like everything is okay with me. Even though mama J knows what happened- her and Chris have no idea how I truly feel inside.
“Mommy…” Josiah called out to me.
“Yes Jojo?” I sighed. I felt Chris glance over at me while he drove.
“Where are we going?” He asked. Before I could even open my mouth to respond, Chris took it upon himself to answer. “We’re headed to mawmaw’s house for some food and a good time” Chris chimed.
“Yay! We going to gamaw’s!” Josiah cheered from the backseat. Sinking down in my seat I threw on my sunglasses. “You know you could try not to look so mean” Chris whispered rubbing his right hand on my left thigh. Instantly I smacked it away, Chris shook his head leaving me alone for the remainder of the ride. Finally arriving to Mama Joyce’s house I tried to muster up the energy to face everyone. Before we could get out Chris turned towards the back, “Now we’re going to behave ourselves when we’re inside right?”
Even though he was talking to Jojo, I knew it was mainly directed towards me. Unbuckling my seatbelt then getting out the car, I went ahead and took Josiah out of his car seat carrying him to the front door. Once Chris joined up with us he took the liberty to ring the door bell. Within minutes we were greeted by Mama Joyce. “Ah my babies!” she greeted hugging us three at once.
“Hey mama” Chris chuckled as she released her hold allowing us to step foot inside. Giving by the amount of cars outside his whole family had to be here. Great more people who probably know our business.
“How you holdin’ up baby?” She asked with sincerity.
“Good Mama” …I lied.
“Grandma” Josiah interjected. Putting him down, I watched as he ran into her arms giving her hugs and kisses. Grabbing his hand she lead him to towards the backyard, “Chris your cousin’s are all out back!” she announced. Proceeding to walk in their direction I was abruptly stopped by Chris. “Look before we go out there and face everyone, I want to make sure we’re good…well at least you. I mean we can leave if you want” he spoke.
“I’m fine. We promised so I’m good” I replied with a little slight of bitterness.
“Danielle Ariana Casey…” he called out my middle name so sternly. I scrunched up my face, “Uh uh don’t do that Christopher Maurice Brown, now I said I’m fine. Keep it up and you’ll really have a problem” I coaxed. Throwing his hands up mentally he took a deep breath, “Alright fine, gimme kiss though” he puckered up his lips. Standing on my tippy toes I pressed my lips against his plump pink lips.
“Love you” Chris muttered.
“Love you too” I responded. Finally able to walk away Chris slapped my ass, turning around completely stunned he winked.I swear I can’t with his goofy ass.
Danielle knew she liked that.
Up here catchin’ attitude and what not. I understand how uneasy she is about the baby, hell my baby or babies stay on my mind too but I just don’t like seeing her down or upset. We’re around family, so I hope that serves some justice and supply my baby girl with some happiness.
As I approached out back shortly after Dani, the aroma of good as food hit my airways. “Daddy Daddy!” Josiah exclaimed running up to me. “Whoa slow down buddy…whatchu got there?” I asked examining the balloon animal in his hand.
“It’s a doggie!” He smiled holding it high for me to see. “That’s wassup little man go show mommy” I mentioned. Josiah nodded his head and ran off to show her.
Making my way over to the grill I greeted my Uncle Tony. “Wassgud Unc!”
“Aye young blood, say what’s good with you” he replied posted up with a beer in his hand. “Shit tryna’ see whatchu over her cooking up man.”
“Aw you know young blood, go the ribs goin’, hot dogs, and hamburgers. Shit you know how you’re uncle roll” he mentioned all while flipping over the hamburgers. “Aye tell me unc- you got the special sause?” I asked. I don’t know what the hell is in his special sause that he uses when he barbecues, but that shit is flame.
“Of course young blood, always!” he boasted. Clearing his throat Uncle Tony’s mood turned serious as he draped his arm over my shoulders, “How’s the wifey Nephew? You know yo mama told me what happened.”
“She’s taking it day by day, but I think today she’s going through it” I admitted.
“Well stay up young blood, you know we’re all behind you guys and you already know your uncle got the look out on them muthafuckas too. Got my niece fucked up” he said. “Aight Unc good lookin’ out” I replied.
“Damn straight..nobody fucks around with family.” he replied back. One thing I know for sure…my uncle don’t play for shit. Nigga straight outta compton, no play. If he says he will blow ya head off, best believe he’ll do it. No hasitation.
“Mama you need any help?” I asked as I watched Mama J place the green bean casserole in the oven. “Oh no baby I got this, you just relax your pretty little self” she responded. I know she’s just saying that to be polite, and also still worried about me but I have no problem helping out.
“You sure?” I questioned one last time.
“Positive.” she replied placing the pot holders down on the counters. “So how are you?’ she questioned. “I’m okay mama” I said through a fake smile, but I know she’s reading me like a book right now. “No Danielle- how are you really sweetie? You shouldn’t keep things in. Now I don’t want to pressure you into opening up, but if you ever need to talk I’m always here. I’m sure my son tries his best to be there, but a mother’s love is totally different.”
Before I could speak Chris’ cousin Melaine walked in, “Hey auntie” she greeted kissing Mama J on the cheek then turned to me. “Hey dani boo…” she hugged me. “I’m surprised to see you here…you know after what happened to you-”
“Mel!” Mama J interjected.
“What Auntie? I’m just saying, if I was in her shoes and found out I lost my unborn child I’d be depressed as hell” she continued. “MELANIE ENOUGH!” Mama J yelled. I felt the tears build up, I needed to get out. “No mama it’s fine, um I gotta- I’m going to use the bathroom.” I lied, rushing out the kitchen and down the hall to the bathroom. I quickly locked the door behind while wiping away my tears. I know Melaine didn’t mean any harm, but who was I kidding? I thought I could get through today but I was wrong.
“Danielle!” Melanie banged at the door, “I-I’m sorry. I know what I said was probably insentative, but you know me girl…my mouth is my downfall.” she said through the door. Moments later I heard Chris’ voice on the other side of the door talking to Mel. “Whats-What’s up?” I heard him ask.
“She locked herself in the bathroom. I’m so sorry Chris…you know how I am. Well I said something that upset her. I didn’t mean to at all” Melaine triedto explained.
“It’s okay Mel, just um make sure Jojo doesn’t come this way. We don’t need for him to see her this way” he spoke. Next thing I know it was silent.
“…Baby” Chris knocked, trying to open the door.
“Go away Chris! J-Just leave me alone” I sniffed.
“Now you damn well know I ain’t doin’ that. So just open up babygirl” he pleaded. Blowing my nose, I unlocked the door and Chris came barging in. “What’s wrong baby?” he asked wrapping his arms around me. I tired to tell myself no cry anymore but I couldn’t. I tightly gripped his shirt and sobbed.
“Our babyyy…” I sobbed. I never experienced anything so tragic like this. I was blessed to carry out my first pregnancy, but was robbed of my second. Why did it have to happen to me?
“Look at me baby..”Chris ordered softly cupping my face into his hands. I couldn’t bare to look at him. He probably feels some way towards me…I bet he blames me. “Danielle.”
Finally looking up into his eyes, I could see the pain it held. “Baby…I know you’re hurting and it kills me to see you this way…” he started.
“You must hate me” I mumbled.
“Heck no! neverrr babygirl. This wasn’t your fault, it’s that son of a bitch who attacked you. That’s who’s fault it is so get that out your mind. I love you Danielle..m-maybe it just wasn’t meant for us to have another child right now, but on the bright side we’re still blessed with a healthy four year old who loves us like crazy and we got each other. So pick your head up baby and don’t shut me out when you’re feeling down and out” he spoke. Everything Chris just said was right.
I sighed, “Thank you…soooo much, I love you”.
“I love you too girl” he replied kissing me on my lips.
I literally wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have Chris in my life…