breathee me

its hard to live in with parents who have no understanding about self harm and mental illness. when all you do is trying to take care of yourself, when you have a war inside you, they want things from you. and if you dont you becaome selfish, lazy, self centered prick.
its hard to live with parents who jokes about self harm, when thats what you are fighting against. and its hard to live with a mother who says “i am sick of coming with you to your therapy sessions, you are fine just be okay get better and dont make me come here again” or when the doctor diagnosis you who says “she is okay she is just having through adoloscence” but be silent when the doctor asks “does every kid in teenage year cut himself”
its hard to live with my parents as me, tea is is what i crave for after a breakdown it helps me. but according to them im just a girl who locks herself in bathroom, then get out have a cup of tea and staying on the internet till the morning. according to them i cant have tea when its midnight, but urges and breakdowns dont care if it’s 5 am, 3 pm or midnight. they just come and you fight. 
its hard to live with friends who underestimate what you accomplished, who don’t give a shit if your recovery is hard or not. it’s hard to be around them, because all they do is telling me about other people’s accomplisments and then say “they do that and we do nothing”. no you may do nothing but i dont. i have constant battles. i fight against self harm urges and mental illnesses. and you have no idea how hard it is.
its hard to live with mental illness and self harm issues. because no one sees your battles. they dont have to but god know this hurts like hell. fighing against the bad thoughts, the urges, trying to be quite while you are having breakdown, concealing your tears. this is a silent battle. somehow, you feel proud, you feel strong because you do an amazing job. but you can’t celebrate yourself.
because when you do they say nothing about it, no appreciation, no “im happy for you”, no “keep going’s”. just awkward silences. 
when you try to take care of yourself, you be self centered. you be cocky. you accept yourself, you accept your flaws yet they call you arrogant, you care about your recovery you become selfish.
its hard to live with mental illness and self harm issues with people like them around you.
you can’t feel good about yourself.
you can’t celebrate yourself.
you can’t be proud of yourself.
because when you do;
they call you selfish
they call you arrogant
they call you self centered
they call you mean
they call you cocky
and god knows what else.