breakups and healings

Everyone is telling me that the person who broke you can’t fix you, but holy hell he’s the only one I feel alive with.

He’s the only one that matters to me, I’d swim oceans to feel his touch again. People fix things they break all the time, so tell me how he can’t fix what he broke?

—  Idk what to think//
take this with you now that you’re gone-

well, 
at the very least
you knew i loved you.
and i did, 
and i still do
and just like my past lovers
there will always be a place 
for you in my heart. 
one of the greatest things
that you ever told me
was that you felt like i had loved you
like no one had before.
hearing that saddened me
at first.
but then i realized,
i had done my job
just have i have always done
my entire life has been
a menagerie
of loving
and giving my love away
even when i don’t 
get it back. 
you said that i loved you
and you felt it all the way through you.
that is all i have ever wanted.
for you to know that
you are loved.
and i loved you just the same
for as long as i possibly could.
i hope one day
someone will come along
who loves you just as much as
i did
or maybe even more
because you are always deserving
of love
and now i know
so am i.

I push you out of my mind, but you always find a way to come back to me.

I see you at our old favorite restaurant, I hear you in the songs on the radio, I feel the gentle touch of your hand against mine…

I taste the bitter salt that trickles over my lip as I see the days I’d marked on the calendar, days that are no longer ours to share.

How long will it take to get over you?

Lovely.. Do you ever miss me like I do you?
Lovely.. Do I ever cross your mind anymore?
You left me shattered on the floor, broken to the core
But I still love you more than ever before
You are the worst thing for me
It breaks my heart everytime time thinking how all this could be
I want to let you go, I want to be free
But something tells me to wait hold on a little longer we are meant to be
And I say hey I can’t be okay
I can never heal this way
5.

I spent 5 months getting to know a person that I guess you can say temporarily destroyed my life.

Gave him 5 months of my time, trust, patience, and unconditional love.

Well to skip the unimportant events, he did something awful to me, and I’ve been recovering ever since.

It’s been 5 months since one of my darkest days.

Weird how these two groups of 5 are so different from each other. 5 months together, 5 months apart.

I’m honestly a completely different person.

I was blind during the “together,” and now I can finally see what I was immune to, thanks to the “apart.”

I wish I could say that I was completely better, but I’m still having a hard time trusting and letting people in. I still catch myself thinking of the past and the “what ifs.” But I’m better. So much better. So much stronger!

When people give the cliché: “it gets better” speech, you want to punch them square in the jaw.

But guess what? They’re right. It’s the cold, hard truth. It really does get better. I don’t *feel* better, but I’m a damn better person. More in shape, more in-tune with my emotions and my insecurities. More confident. More appreciative of what I have in life. More motivated….

…than I EVER would have been if I were still partaking in what I had for those 5 months together.

And so here’s 5 things I’ve learned since November:

1.) One individual will always have control over you. And that’s YOU.
2.) When you feel alone, feel comfort in knowing that there ARE people who care about you. In any situation, there’s always somebody. Somebody loves you, and when all else fails–love yourself.
3.) People are going to hurt you. It’s how you heal yourself that truly matters, and in-time how you will ultimately grow stronger.
4.) Forgiveness is a force to be reckoned with. Having demons in the past will only tie you to negativity. Feeling spiteful and wanting revenge is a sign of insecurity. (Still working on this one.)
5.) And finally, it is absolutely fine to not feel okay once in a while. It’s completely normal to feel powerless, exhausted, depressed. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Only those who are ready to listen and to let go are the ones who are ready to heal and grow from their past. The ones who are ready to live and to love.

I’m pretty sure I’m ready.

You, the moment your ex realizes you moved on to someone new. / I love this and I love more than I made it. Lol > Moving on to someone better is a gift from Karma for being mature when your ex was a jerk. Having your ex discover - on their own - is a gift from heaven. Enjoy the fruits of your maturity. #breakups #breakup #breakupadvice #breakupquotes #BreakupRecovery #recovery #healing #meme #memes #bestigaccounts #bestmemes #repost #bestreposts (at Karma)

Ending a relationship is one thing. But getting over the fantasy of a person is a whole other thing. For me, it’s harder to accept the death of a fantasy than it is to stop texting a person. I can block a person on my phone. But I can’t block them in my brain.

Or can I? Through the deaths of my many fantasies, I’ve found that training the mind to forget is actually possible. It’s kinda like training a puppy. My mind isn’t cute like a puppy. I like puppies and I hate my mind. But in order to deflect the euphoric recall of memory (as well as blot out the recollection of those totally amazing qualities that maybe never even existed in that person) I need diligence, consistency, patience, and gentleness.

I’ve been romantically obsessed with so many people that I’ve kind of become a getting-over-the-fantasy-of-people athlete.

//

it’s the road
the path from utter heartbreak
inching slowly
slogging your way
taking
each
step, like
wrestling a rock that’s been trampled into the ground
digging your fingers in, trying
to get any kind of leverage
and bring it out,
crying
out to the world,
which sometimes gets caught
stagnates before it leaves
words like chewed food, sitting in your mouth,
continuing to collect saliva,
taking
each
step into any direction
here is not the place to be
when you are the only thing
because you’re the Worst Thing
taking
those
painful
cold
steps
which become lighter
a sense for the warmth comes
whispering to you where it is
taking
each
step
becoming new things
you being more than yourself
and even though you set out
trying to save yourself
your harmony effuses
accidentally, then intentionally
taking each
step becomes
yourself being
happier, and
what became was always meant to be
knowing yourself in yourself
and disappearing to yourself
so you can be the warmth
returning to warm that path
that road
that led to you
that lead to peace
that lead to love

Today

Once again I feel alone, shitty and friendless.

The most recent JS essentially broke up with me two nights ago, even though I brought it up, it’s only because of her noticeable state of anxiety, unease, and general dissatisfaction with the relationship.

Dating her is very pleasant, just the most delightful comfort and companionship. I have not felt creative or really happy during most of this time, except in bits and spurts, the bits and spurts she liked most. She proposed to keep having sex, but is it out of pity? Should I even attempt to see how this goes? Each day I am losing the confidence I would require to make this work on any level.

I’m already missing her, really. Even though it wasn’t perfect, and she is not by any means, I am idealizing her in my mind. At least I feel like I understand her. 

I’ve had a very shitty year in the way that my chickens have come home to roost. I lost a very good job, two very close friends, and now her. Everything spiraled into each other and I wish I could say I didn’t see it coming and wasn’t driving the spiral. 

It’s hard for me to write, as well. I feel like it’s my last shot at saving myself. There are so many words inside me and I can feel them rotting. I need to expel them. 

Where is the elegance of this, or is there any? I took so many wrong steps, listening to the insane chorus in my mind which tells me to be aloof, to protect yourself from pain. Look, these aren’t business partnerships, its a more abstract personal transaction. You can’t talk about them in those terms.

I hate losing anything. I inevitably blame myself and forget about all the faults of the other party. It’s a horrid habit of shitty memory. I did a lot of wrong but so did they. We aren’t good at making ourselves happy and with others. I have to remember our equality in this. 

It’s also how I see these relationships. I  don’t view these people as equals when I’m there. Not to say I feel superior, but I view them with distance. When we’re together it’s joyful distance and when we’re apart it’s tragic distance. I always keep things, my thoughts and feelings, from people. I keep so much inside that everything outside is vague to me. Like it isn’t real on its own until it is interpreted by me.

I know that I need to break myself of my bad habits. The thoughts that keep me uncreative and unhappy. I need to learn or relearn how to understand my place in relation to things. How to be productive on my own, how to love people, but also how to be alone. I thought this relationship would inevitably fail mainly because I don’t write anymore. It’s telling, I see myself as unlovable. It is that simple. I had these thoughts the whole time. Thinking that someone will leave you won’t stop them from leaving you, it will hasten the pace. Thinking that you will fuck up is what causes you to fuck up. There is a whole world outside of my mind. It’s bigger than me and doesn’t necessarily say that much more about me than it does about others. Acknowledging the truth of my relationship to the world will set me free to change it, or keep it the same. A person who keeps it all inside is invisible.

Once again, I feel terrible, very lonely, but I feel like this is the unavoidable destiny of my way of thinking. I don’t invite love, I invite substance into my void. I consume people like drugs.

I should start therapy. I want to say “I need to start writing again.” and I’m actually afraid I’ll curse myself into not doing it. Another terrible habit. Conquerable only by doing. I am going to write every day. Terrible how your words mean less and less if you don’t keep them. Especially for writers. 

I feel happiness actually slipping away from me, and all of a sudden I am a scrawny boy on the beach, sobbing for the first JS.  

It’s sad stuff, man. Live and learn. Be kind to yourself. This too shall pass. I actually planned to give her a ring with that phrase emblazoned on it. 

I do like her so much. Can I really expect anyone to accept how much I love them if I don’t love myself? Of course not, I don’t accept her love for that reason, among others.

Sad stuff. Live and learn. Be kind to yourself. Cliches and idioms let you focus your despair on tried and true collective wisdoms. Crutches that so many others have used that their utility is carved into humanity’s popular mind. Be patient, especially. Things take time. You’re living the shit now, but it won’t be forever. This relationship is testament to that. Your body is a testament to that. Still no JS but I’m not scrawny, I’m not sobbing.