Once again I feel alone, shitty and friendless.
The most recent JS essentially broke up with me two nights ago, even though I brought it up, it’s only because of her noticeable state of anxiety, unease, and general dissatisfaction with the relationship.
Dating her is very pleasant, just the most delightful comfort and companionship. I have not felt creative or really happy during most of this time, except in bits and spurts, the bits and spurts she liked most. She proposed to keep having sex, but is it out of pity? Should I even attempt to see how this goes? Each day I am losing the confidence I would require to make this work on any level.
I’m already missing her, really. Even though it wasn’t perfect, and she is not by any means, I am idealizing her in my mind. At least I feel like I understand her.
I’ve had a very shitty year in the way that my chickens have come home to roost. I lost a very good job, two very close friends, and now her. Everything spiraled into each other and I wish I could say I didn’t see it coming and wasn’t driving the spiral.
It’s hard for me to write, as well. I feel like it’s my last shot at saving myself. There are so many words inside me and I can feel them rotting. I need to expel them.
Where is the elegance of this, or is there any? I took so many wrong steps, listening to the insane chorus in my mind which tells me to be aloof, to protect yourself from pain. Look, these aren’t business partnerships, its a more abstract personal transaction. You can’t talk about them in those terms.
I hate losing anything. I inevitably blame myself and forget about all the faults of the other party. It’s a horrid habit of shitty memory. I did a lot of wrong but so did they. We aren’t good at making ourselves happy and with others. I have to remember our equality in this.
It’s also how I see these relationships. I don’t view these people as equals when I’m there. Not to say I feel superior, but I view them with distance. When we’re together it’s joyful distance and when we’re apart it’s tragic distance. I always keep things, my thoughts and feelings, from people. I keep so much inside that everything outside is vague to me. Like it isn’t real on its own until it is interpreted by me.
I know that I need to break myself of my bad habits. The thoughts that keep me uncreative and unhappy. I need to learn or relearn how to understand my place in relation to things. How to be productive on my own, how to love people, but also how to be alone. I thought this relationship would inevitably fail mainly because I don’t write anymore. It’s telling, I see myself as unlovable. It is that simple. I had these thoughts the whole time. Thinking that someone will leave you won’t stop them from leaving you, it will hasten the pace. Thinking that you will fuck up is what causes you to fuck up. There is a whole world outside of my mind. It’s bigger than me and doesn’t necessarily say that much more about me than it does about others. Acknowledging the truth of my relationship to the world will set me free to change it, or keep it the same. A person who keeps it all inside is invisible.
Once again, I feel terrible, very lonely, but I feel like this is the unavoidable destiny of my way of thinking. I don’t invite love, I invite substance into my void. I consume people like drugs.
I should start therapy. I want to say “I need to start writing again.” and I’m actually afraid I’ll curse myself into not doing it. Another terrible habit. Conquerable only by doing. I am going to write every day. Terrible how your words mean less and less if you don’t keep them. Especially for writers.
I feel happiness actually slipping away from me, and all of a sudden I am a scrawny boy on the beach, sobbing for the first JS.
It’s sad stuff, man. Live and learn. Be kind to yourself. This too shall pass. I actually planned to give her a ring with that phrase emblazoned on it.
I do like her so much. Can I really expect anyone to accept how much I love them if I don’t love myself? Of course not, I don’t accept her love for that reason, among others.
Sad stuff. Live and learn. Be kind to yourself. Cliches and idioms let you focus your despair on tried and true collective wisdoms. Crutches that so many others have used that their utility is carved into humanity’s popular mind. Be patient, especially. Things take time. You’re living the shit now, but it won’t be forever. This relationship is testament to that. Your body is a testament to that. Still no JS but I’m not scrawny, I’m not sobbing.