“I’m a mess”
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Featuring: Steve Rogers
Warnings: angst, sad Bucky, a bit of fluff and some swearing I think
Request: 6 and 20 for barnes ? love ya xx
Notes: I’ll do the number 6 asap! I apologise for being so slow but I have already started uni again and I’m kind of busy. Sorry!
“How’s he doing?”
You looked up from your phone at Steve and then at Bucky who was playing the piano at the end of the room. The music was relaxing but he was playing such a melancholic piece that made your heart break. You knew he was going through a hard time while Bruce was “cleaning up” his brain. All the things he ever did were hunting him, not even letting him sleep properly. He spent the days playing the piano or training at the gym.
All of you were trying to help him through the process, except Tony. He was still furious at him and none of you wanted to leave the two of them alone in the same room since you were 100% sure that Stark wouldn’t control himself. Of course, no one blamed him. Bucky killed his parents and no one could deny it, but all of you focused on the fact that HYDRA was behind it.
“I don’t know”, you admitted while Steve sat down next to you. “He’s not talking much lately”, you added with a shrug.
“I know…but I thought he would have talked to you”, Steve sighed.
“I wish”, you chuckled sadly.
Your relationship was also suffering during the process. Actually, it had been suffering since the moment he decided to go back under the ice. You decided to wait for him, even when he told you not to. You didn’t care. He was too important. And when he came back a year later, there you were. You had been inseparable ever since but he was distant since he started the treatment with Bruce. You tried to be patient because you knew once it was over he would be back to your Bucky. The flirty, funny, cheeky one. The one you loved. But meanwhile it was hard. You shared a room but there an ice wall between you two that you didn’t know how to take down.
You looked at him and saw him getting up from the piano. Without even looking at Steve you got up to go with him. You knew he didn’t need you but you just didn’t want him to be alone.
“You’re improving” you told him while you followed him to the kitchen.
“Thank you”, he said opening the fridge to take some water. “It…helps me, I guess”, he said.
“I’m glad”, you smiled a little.
He looked at you and then looked away, like he had been doing for weeks now. He wouldn’t even look at you for more than three seconds and, if you were honest, you missed his eyes locking with yours. But again, you didn’t want to push him.
“Why are you still around?” He asked out of nothing.
“What do you mean?” You asked with a frown.
“You’ve been waiting for me for a year. I come back and…I’m a mess. But here you are”, he shrugged looking at you once again.
“I think people call it love, or something like that”, you smiled a little.
You thought you caught a glimpse of light in his eyes but he looked away too quick for you to know for sure.
“You shouldn’t love me”, he mumbled.
You sighed and looked away. Of course, this wasn’t the first time you two had this conversation since he came back. It was always the same old shit. He thought he wasn’t worth of your attention, of your love, of you. But you knew he was. This was just a bad moment but once everything was finished…it would go back to normal. You knew it. You felt it.
“I’m sorry to say that I do and there’s nothing you can do to change it”, you shrugged.
With a sigh he walked out of the kitchen. This time you decided to give him some time for himself, just like you did every time he brought that shit up. After some minutes you went back to the living room where Steve was watching the news. You sat next to him and he immediately wrapped an arm around you.
“How was it?” He asked.
“Nothing’s changed”, you sighed. “He’s in his auto destructive-self, you know?”
“The ‘not worthy’ thing again?” He said and you nodded. With a sigh he squeezed you softly. “Everything will be ok”, he whispered.
“I know”, you whispered as well.
That night you went to bed early since you had been training the whole afternoon and you felt exhausted. You changed into your pyjamas, as usually, and get into bed. You would usually read or watch some series but that day it didn’t take you any time to fall asleep.
When you opened your eyes you knew you hadn’t been asleep for long since it was all dark and quiet. Soon, you realised why you had woken up. Bucky was getting in bed. Probably he had been at the gym until late and was ready to sleep, or to try it at least. He wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you closer but you turned around to face him.
“Sorry I woke you”, he whispered when he saw your open eyes.
“Don’t worry”, you said placing a hand over his cheek, rubbing it softly. “How are you feeling?” You asked frowning.
“Lost? I don’t know…” He whispered and shook his head. “I know the treatment is working, I can feel it, but I don’t know…”
“You know I’m here, right?” You asked. He nodded and kissed your forehead.
“You know I don’t deserve it right?” He said making you roll your eyes.
“Stop saying that. You do deserve it”, you snapped.
“I’m a mess, baby. I don’t even know what I’m doing or what I’ll be doing once I’m healed. Tony hates me and I know everyone else is scared of me”, he said.
“No one is scared of you”, you said quickly. “They just want to give you your space. What you’re going through is not easy and they don’t know how to get closer to you. It’s not like you make it easier”, you teased him.
“I just don’t want to hurt anyone…” he mumbled.
“You won’t. Not anymore”, you smiled at him.
He sighed and looked at you, rubbing your hip softly with his thumb before kissing you softly. Then he hugged you and snuggled his head in your neck, closing his eyes, getting ready to sleep. Like every night, you started stroking his hair until you felt his breathing slowing down, letting you know he had fallen asleep. With a smile you kissed his head and closed your eyes as well. He might be a mess but you loved him and his messed up head.