breaking my trust

And someone asked about you.

I told them I loved you.
But I didn’t tell them that you still had me even if I don’t have you.

Goodness, did I love you.

—  No One Told Me Remembering Is Worse Than Forgetting
Why is it that
we doubt ourselves
when someone
hurts us?
Why is it that
we wonder where
we went wrong
instead of where
they went wrong?
Why is it that
we let them
define us so easily
and we don’t
blame them for
what they’ve done
to us?
Why is it that
we are willing
to believe
it was our fault
for being too much
too loving
too caring
too clingy
to attached
too naive
too—
whatever the hell
they say?
—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #66
You once made me fall asleep with a smile on my face. You now make me fall asleep with a tear stained pillow and a broken heart.

“true reality s h o w” - Karolina Koryl

she didn’t fall in love with your body
she fell in love with your mind
she fell in love with your smile
the crinkle on the ends of your eyes
the toothy grin you shoot her when
her cheeks turned crimson
the dimples on both ends of your savory lips

she fell in love, so much, she stood on the edge of building
trusting you, and jumped

—  But you didn’t catch her// zoeyalexx
You see, the problem is: I want it to stop and I want to move on, feel like I can be happy again one day, but I don’t want to forget and let go of what loving you feels like.
—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #51
You fucked me up, do you know that? My biggest fear used to be ending up alone. It used to scare the shit out of me, the idea of living a lifetime and not being able to find someone that loves me unconditionally. After you however, that is no longer my biggest fear. After you, my biggest fear is finding someone that earns my trust, breaks down my walls and shows me love. My biggest fear is that I’ll invest so much of my time and expose so much of my soul to someone only to find out I was nothing but temporary, disposable, to them just like I was to you.
—  I feel sorry for every girl that comes after you
I think one of the hardest things to accept about love is that just like they love you one day, they can wake up the next and just leave. You don’t get no note, you don’t see it coming, but one day they’re there kissing every inch of you, making promises, holding you when you’re down, belonging to every part of your life, then they leave without regret, just like they arrived. It takes one second. Everything comes crushing to the ground and you try so hard to escape the big pieces falling down from the roof. Accepting that the love you swear they once felt for you is gone, is the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life.
—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #52

Did i break your heart with that [Reunion] post? Here, have a little Tamlen&babyHalla to cheer you up!

Also, this blog now has a comment section in each post! I don’t know if anyone is gonna use it but i wanted to have it so we can share a little more~ (thanks to @lostmindy for helping me with the html-hell!)

Nightmare - Winchester Brothers

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a little while! School is just making me really busy. I’ll try and post once at least every two weeks. I’m sorry of I can’t :(

Anyway, here’s another request!

Okay so maybe something where the reader is jealous of how close Sam & Dean are, make it angsty 😹 - @winchesters-favorite-girl - i’ve kind of made my own twist on this! Hope you like it anyway!

Imagine always feeling as though you are nothing more then a burden and a blood relation to your brothers and feeling as though they don’t care for you so you leave them.

—————————————————————————————

Originally posted by teachercastiel

Originally posted by undercoverrockstarjensen

Originally posted by hallowedbecastiel

You were sat in the back of the impala, picking dried blood out of your stubby finger nails, anger rumbling in your chest. You’d saved your brothers once again from a hunt gone wrong and they hadn’t thanked you, simply patted each other on the back, sent a glance over their shoulder to you to make sure you were still alive and headed in the direction of the car.

They were speaking (or arguing, you could never tell) about the monster ‘they’ had just killed and you had no interest in listening so you rested your head on the back of the seat and looked out to the starry night.

It had been this way since you’d dropped out of high school. You’d be with them, but not quite there. You’d always been left out the circle and you couldn’t remember the last time your elder brothers had shown gratitude and love towards you and quite frankly, you had had enough. 

Closing your eyes and drifting off into sleep, your mind travelled to a time when you were the centre of your brothers worlds.

***

You aged 5 and Sam aged 13:

Colouring in a unicorn in your activity book at the counter of the motel room kitchen, you reached for the purple crayon which was just out of your grip. Just as you were close to grabbing it, it rolled a little further away.  

Whining and attempting to lean forward, you suddenly felt the stall give way, sending you toppling to the ground. 

You cried out in pain as you hit your head on the marble floor. As your vision became faded and a headache made its self comfortable in your head, you saw Sam rushing towards you from the settee.

He quickly pulled you into his arms and cooed in your ear that everything would be ok and that there was nothing to worry about. He made it clear to you that you were a strong girl and that it was only a little graze. 

***

You aged 13 and Dean aged 25:

You were waiting on the bench just outside of your temporary school as the girls in front of you made fun of your second hand clothes. 

‘Look at that! What is it? A table cloth or a fourth hand blanket?’ The skinniest of them all said, pulling at your older brother Sam’s red flannel.

‘Don’t touch me.’ You growled, slapping her hand away.

‘What did you say, skank? Want me to hit you.’ The tallest of them all said, raising her hand at you.

As you were about to swerve the hand that was about to smack you, you froze as your biggest brother Dean tapped the girl on the shoulder.

She turned round, confusion and disgust on her face. ‘What do you want? Old man.’ She sneered at him. The other girls thought this was the funniest remark in the world.

Dean laughed for a second then looked at her dead in the eyes. ‘You touch my little sister again and i’ll break all your fingers. Oh, and by the way, that top is second hand. I’m pretty sure I saw a stripper with the clap wearing that a couple of nights ago.’ He gave his signature smirk at the end, hinting that the mob of mistakes (called teenage girls) should go away. 

They did, fear and despise all over their faces as they made remarks about each others clothes.

‘Thanks Dean.’ You said as you stood up and hugged him.

‘Anytime.’ He responded, protectively wrapping his arms around you.

***

Yeah sure, anytime. I guess that had a time limit. Waking up with the thought in your head, you noticed that you were sat in the back of the Impala, your two elder brothers no where in sight. 

As a feeling of hopelessness washed over you, you begged for Castiel to come and see you. He was the only one who seemed to care for you.

‘Hello Y/N.’ His gravelled voice spoke out from the seat next to you.

You didn’t respond straight away, you wanted to gather your thoughts first. You turned to look at him.

‘What’s wrong Y/N?’ He asked you, as you looked back at him, hurt in your eyes.

‘It’s my brothers. I’m nothing to them anymore.’ You explained, tears brimming in your eyes.

‘That’s not true. You’re their little sister.’ Cas responded, confusion lingering in his voice.

Was their little sister. I think i’m nothing more then a shadow to them now and I wont deal with it anymore. Please, Cas, make a promise to me.’ You pleaded.

‘What promise?’ He questioned you, eyebrows knotting together as he looked sad in his eyes.

‘That if I go, you wont help my brothers look for me. You’ll let me live my own life and I expect you to understand that if you break my trust I will never forgive you.’ With that, you took his hand in yours as a way to tell him how desperate you were. ‘Please.’

He pulled his hand slightly away from yours then paused. He let out a soft sigh then looked away for a second. ‘If I make this promise, you have to stay safe.’ He reasoned with you, looking in your direction and then away again so that he wouldn’t regret what he was about to do.

‘Yes, of course.’ You practically whispered back, knowing that you were inches away from freedom. 

‘Ok.’ That was all he said before he flapped his wings and disappeared.

This was your chance. This was your chance to begin again and be a person who didn’t live every day wondering if they were loved. You’d thought about this for weeks, months even. The moment you’d break free and find someone or something that had even the slightest amount of happiness towards you.

Jumping out the car and pulling your bag from the boot, you headed down the street the impala was parked on. You looked back for a moment, remembering your older brothers, then shook your head and continued down the path you chose to take. 

*Sam’s P.O.V*

‘You think she’ll like it?’ Dean asked, holding up a green flannel.

‘You know that’s not her colour.’ I responded, pushing the green flannel out of Dean’s arms before reaching up for a red checkered one on the highest shelf.

‘She’ll like this one though. She used to wear one like it when she was younger, like all the time.’ I said as I searched for her size.

Dean went quiet for a minute before looking at me.

‘Dude, no chick flick moments. What’s wrong?’ I questioned him, laughing a bit since he looked like a hurt puppy.

‘Is it just me or does Y/N seem really closed off lately.’ He depressingly said, gently stroking the flannel in his hands as if it was his little sister.

I was going to shrug my shoulders and dismiss the conversation but I didn’t. I knew that there was something very wrong with Y/N.

‘Yeah - I think there is.’ I responded, barely looking at Dean, feeling as though it was some how my fault.

As if Dean read my mind, he glanced briefly at me. ‘Do you think it’s our fault?’

I gulped then looked up. ‘I - I don’t know. Maybe. Have we done enough for her? I mean, have we been good brothers?’ 

‘If I’m being honest. No, I don’t think we have been. I think we’ve been so focused on these god damn hunting trips so much that we’ve lost the love we used to give to the centre of our world, Y/N. I think we need to look out for her more. Knowing her, she probably thinks that we don’t care about her and I can’t have that.’ Dean was almost shouting at the end, pulling at the seams of the shirt in his hands.

I simply looked back at him, wide eyed. He’d said exactly what I was thinking. 

‘Hell, what do I know.’ Dean grumbled, throwing the flannel on the shelf and heading to the doors of the shop. 

He froze mid-step then yelled my name, indicating that Y/N was no longer in the Impala.

It was though time slowed down. She was there, then she wasn’t. It was a nightmare come real.

—————————————————————————————-

I really like how this turned out and I’m tempted to a part 2! Tell me what you guys think :) 

I hate you for all the lies you’ve told me. I hate you for playing with my feelings. I hate you for making me doubt anyone’s intention to me. I hate you for breaking my trust. I hate you for putting me this kind of feeling. I hate you for making me feel that no one’s good enough for me. I hate your for making me think that no one will treat me right. I hate you for making me think that everyone’s like you, that they won’t take me seriously. I hate you. I really hate you.
—  but i’m not mad, i’m just hurt / girlbehindthisblog