breaking entering

REMINDERS SKAM S3 HAS GIVEN US:
• love stories are not always what they seem (even spotting isak first was such a cool thing but also like woah???)
• people mental illness are still capable of being unconditionally loved, admired and cared for
• the weeknd is a 10/10 love song composer
• kissing in the rain isn’t always cheesy
• unintentional homophobia is a thing but it shouldn’t be
• the possibility of parallel universes
• beanie + hoodie combo
• cuddling is always the right answer
• it’s never wrong to love someone who doesn’t love you back (magnus being so head over heels for vilde is adorable)
• surround yourself with people who are supportive, hilarious and kind
• share clothes with people you love because you love them
• NAS HAS RISEN
• you don’t have to say “i love you” to say “i love you”
• breaking and entering is still illegal (even if you just want to chill in a swimming pool and kiss the boy of your dreams)
• it always gets better

Day Forty-Six

-I began this job hesitant to accept even a sample from Starbucks due to my distaste for coffee. This morning I entered the break room, went directly to the new Keurig, and made myself a cup of coffee to prepare myself for my shift. I am not proud of who I have become.

-I witnessed a man with a long, tightly-woven braid, Birkenstock sandals, pristine white sweatpants, and a clip-on phone holster hanging from his pocket. He is a man with a story and I hope to learn it.

-A man clad in overalls and a graphic tee came through my lane at eleven in the morning, clutching onto a bottle of wine he had brought with him, striking fear into the hearts of myself and all others who experience farmer phobias.

-An old woman became very concerned when I asked her for her age when purchasing an M-rated video game. It was only a formality for the computer, but she began asking if this was standard practice if she tried to purchase it at any other store. I am not going to say that she was, in fact, two adolescent boys in a trench coat and wig, but, if she was, I have to respect their honesty in hesitating to use a fake age after going this far.

-A mother caught her four year-old daughter attempting to shoplift a Trolls mystery pack under her shirt. The mother was mortified. The daughter, only slightly put off. I could tell she was already planning her next heist, quickly building her way up to the Louvre. 

-I rang up an elderly woman for $60 of Minions trading cards. I am not mad at her, but I am certainly disappointed.

-I noticed a woman storming into the store. I turned to her. She demanded to know where the barista was at the Starbucks which she had not had time to look at, let alone approach. Seeing the barista coming, I informed her that someone would be there momentarily. She then hurried out of the door, leading me to believe her question was one borne not from desire of coffee, but from fear of baristas.

-I taught another youth the humor and joy of sticking one’s tongue out to others. This time, however, the parents were thrilled to no end. All of my work has been validated and I shall continue my mission to provide this skill set to all by the age of five.

-I found myself faced with an impossible moral conundrum: do I place a purchased bag inside of a bag? Upon consultation, I found the guest to be as stumped as I. I do not believe there is a right answer to this, and yet, I feel that I was definitively wrong.

-I assisted a guest whose voice was befitting only of a gentlemanly cartoon bullfrog with a top hat and monocle. Coming out of a small elderly man, it was slightly off-putting.

-I found myself given the unfortunate fortune of seeing that a guest was sexting. I have little to say on this, other than he seemed to be taking the time to compose lengthy replies, so either he was being an overachiever or the recipient had to sift through a lot of fluff to find what they wanted.

-A woman, angry with the card reader for taking a moment longer than she had wanted, growled through gritted teeth of her hatred for the machine over and over until it finally allowed her to remove her card. I made sure to hand her the receipt as swiftly and eye contactlessly as possible, as I was certain the demon within her body was equally infuriated with me.

-A new cryptid has been discovered in my store. It appears as an elderly man with looks highly suggestive of a Trump supporter. It can be found lumbering among the checkout lanes, raising a bag of popcorn to its face in order to snatch a single piece out with its speckled tongue.

As Robbie Rotten is now a meme. I actually noticed that some of the shit he does in the show is REALLY FUCKING ILLEGAL.

Such as…

Blackface + Impersonation of authority

Impersonation of a royal guard 

several counts of kidnapping, both adult and minor 

Unauthorised use of a high powered rocketry vehicle without FAA approval 

Over 20 counts of breaking and entering 

over 40 counts of invasion of privacy + stalking 

At least 5 counts of attempted murder by poison + 3 other accounts of attempted murder 

Fabrication and  tampering with historical documents.

These are honest to god just a few, but they are SERIOUS CRIMES. If you watch lazy town and think about the things robbie is doing you can see that he really is villain #1. But he’s also gotta be on the FBI’s watch list at this point.

The Consulate is asking the public’s assistance in locating eight individuals believed to be renegade ringleaders. These criminals are extremely dangerous. Contact an Honorable enforcer if you have any information concerning these individuals.

PIA NALAAR, also known by the criminal alias “Renegade Prime,” is a middle-aged female human with dark hair. She is the known leader of the renegade movement, and she is wanted for multiple counts of arson and disturbing the peace. She may be in possession of unlicensed inventions and explosives.

CHANDRA NALAAR is an adult female human with red hair. She is the daughter of the renegade leader, Pia Nalaar. She is wanted for breaking and entering government property, aiding and abetting a known criminal, and multiple counts of arson. She is believed to be in possession of numerous incendiary devices.

OVIYA PASHIRI is an elderly female human with gray hair. She is wanted for breaking and entering government property, and she is believed to be in possession of multiple unlicensed and unregistered lifecraft inventions of her own making.

LILIANA VESS is an adult female human with black hair. She is wanted for destruction of public property and contempt for Consulate authorities.

JACE BELEREN is an adult male human with brown hair. He is wanted for destruction of public property and evasion of Consulate authorities.

NISSA REVANE is an adult female elf with brown hair. She is wanted for destruction of public property and disturbance of local flora. She is believed to be in possession of unlicensed eyewear that make her eyes appear to glow green.

GIDEON JURA is an adult male human with brown hair. He is wanted for destruction of public property, unlicensed use of inventions, and assault of Consulate authorities and enforcers.

An UNKNOWN broad-framed criminal seen only wearing a large hooded cloak is wanted for destruction of public property, conspiracy against the Consulate, evasion of authorities, and aiding and abetting known renegades. This criminal should be considered highly dangerous.

Masked Intruder

Summary: Dan is a robber who steals valuable objects nearly every night. When he goes into a flat decorated with plants and stuffed animals, he can’t seem to keep himself away. Dan’s not used to pretty boys stealing things of his own; especially when they steal his heart.
Word Count: 3590
Warnings: stealing, breaking/entering, cussing
A/N: I’d like to thank my roommate @sourmojo for giving me the idea to write this fic (based off of this song) and also @insanityplaysfics for being my lovely beta. That summary is the worst fucking summary I’ve ever written but I love this idea so much and I hope you do too! Please don’t ask me to write a sequel, i will write one if i end up feeling like it, but as of right now, it doesnt seem very likely.
Read it on AO3!

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It was something that Dan was proud of, as fucked up as it was. He just couldn’t get enough of everything about it; the thrill, the little prizes he got out of it, hell even the news broadcasters. No matter how hard he tried to get away from his lifestyle, he always ended up going back. His own addiction, his very own little secret. Besides, it’s not like anybody was getting hurt in his escapades. Just himself and his own conscious, but that he could deal with.

So what if he broke into houses and stole objects he found compelling? They were just objects and humans should be able to get over the loss of something so materialistic. Rings, money, antiques. Stealing those didn’t harm anybody. In fact, they should be grateful for Dan. He helped people realise that family was far more important than items.

Dan didn’t necessarily know how he got to this point in his life, where he just went to other people’s houses to steal meaningless crap, but he couldn’t be more thankful. One day he was just a silly little teenager trying to be edgy by sneaking into places he wasn’t supposed to be in, and the next moment he was a twenty-five year old man breaking and entering all to steal that new movie he’s been wanting for weeks. Some would say that he was stupid for risking going to jail just for a movie, but Dan didn’t give a single fuck.

Keep reading

Breaking and entering, the "Good" route

Little bit of backstory, I was kidnapped as some story stuff, had a dentist appointment so I ok’d this with the DM beforehand.  When I came back I heard the following discussion.

GM: “Alright there’s a big door and…”
Player: “I knock”
Gm: “Alright.  You knock and no one responds”
All: “…”
Player: “I shout housekeeping”
GM: “You shout and… no one responds”
Player: “Alright, we’re good to smash the door down, nobodies in there”

Inspired by a few jagoff antis in the Star Wars shipper tags, but universally applicable.

It really saddens me that people are getting bullied into feeling morally obligated to abandon ships they like just because some salty-ass antis got nothing better to do than try and validate their own sorry selves by sitting around spewing false accusations. 

If you’re one of those asshats who’s pulling this shit - plz go take a giant flying leap. And you fuckers know EXACTLY who you are. The ones who are saying shipping Fictional Character X with Fictional Character Y makes someone a rapist or an abuser or whatever the ridiculous fuck else. The ones who conflate creating and consuming fictitious works that contain questionable activities with perpetrating those acts IRL. The ones who think protecting imaginary people justifies harassing real ones while you hypocritically assume the moral high ground.

Fantasy is fantasy for a reason - it allows us the ability to explore beyond the bounds of what’s possible or acceptable in the real world. Okay, so you want to argue life imitates art and therefore art should be forcibly censored? Fine. Don’t you have bigger fish to fry than whining at fandom shippers? You know, like getting DVDs of Breaking Bad and the Sopranos taken off the shelves because it glorifies making meth and encourages people to participate in organized crime? How about getting adult toy stores with leather floggers and fuzzy handcuffs shut down because they romanticize violence, even though that stuff’s clearly for roleplay between consenting adults? Let’s get rid of Pokemon too while we’re at it, because that glorifies dogfighting rings and promotes taking wild animals out of their natural habitats to be kept in captivity. 

Sound ridiculous? GOOD. Because quite frankly, so do you.

If you’re not personally comfortable dabbling in certain fantasies, that is 100% your choice. But you don’t get to make that decision for the rest of us, and you sure as hell don’t get to guilt, bully, and shame real people for their fictional shipping preferences while posturing from some ridiculous position of assumed moral superiority. 

If you’re doing this, YOU are the bully. YOU are the aggressor. You are the goddamn problem. If you’re accusing fictional character shippers of being IRL rapists or abusers or whatever the hell else and demanding they apologize to you for having the audacity to put you in the position of “needing” to bully them for The Greater Good - you’re also a gaslighting asshat. 

Conversely, if you enjoy reading fanfic about fictional characters in a fictional world, and you fully realize it’s 100% fiction - you are doing absolutely NOTHING wrong. Enjoy what you love. Haters gonna hate. Let their hate be their problem, not yours.

One night, Michael Orchard of New York state noticed that his neighbor’s house was on fire. Taking matters into his own hands, he blasted through his neighbor’s fence with his car, kicked in the back door, and rescued the family’s dog from the inferno.

There was one problem, though.

When the cops showed up, they found Orchard standing there like an action hero, clutching the dog in front of a house that was most definitely not ablaze. The source of the confusion – the fact that Orchard had taken acid and a shitload of cough syrup – was quickly identified, and the rescue mission was quickly reclassified as breaking and entering.

The medal ceremony was quickly canceled.On the plus side, Orchard was very cooperative and immediately paid for the damage to the house. And the dog was unharmed, unless you count the depression he suffered when he realized he wasn’t going to get to go for a ride. So although the heroism wasn’t needed, was actually counterproductive, and resulted in a disappointed dog, this is still legitimately one of the greatest heroes 2016 has produced, and we should all be deeply ashamed that we’re honoring him here.

7 Unsung Heroes Who Had The Dumbest 2016 Ever

bagelsandheists  asked:

Have you read "A Burglar's Guide to the City" by Geoff Manaugh? All about modern thievery and burglarly. Seems right up your alley

Oh, that looks fabulous, thanks!

Blurb:

At the core of A Burglar’s Guide to the City is an unexpected and thrilling insight: how any building transforms when seen through the eyes of someone hoping to break into it.

Encompassing nearly 2,000 years of heists and break-ins, the book draws on the expertise of reformed bank robbers, FBI Special Agents, private security consultants, the L.A.P.D. Air Support Division, and architects past and present.

Whether picking locks or climbing the walls of high-rise apartments, finding gaps in a museum’s surveillance routine or discussing home invasions in ancient Rome, A Burglar’s Guide to the City ensures readers will never enter a bank again without imagining how to loot the vault or walk down the street without planning the perfect getaway.