Jennifer Aniston is fed up with the rumors and media scrutiny surrounding her and other women and wrote a strongly-worded blog post titled “For The Record,” which was published on The Huffington Post.
“Let me start by saying that addressing gossip is something I have never done. I don’t like to give energy to the business of lies, but I wanted to participate in a larger conversation that has already begun and needs to continue. Since I’m not on social media, I decided to put my thoughts here in writing.
Moving on is so much more difficult now than it was back then. I had gotten almost completely over you (though I’m probably fooling myself when I say that), and then I let you back into my life. A part of me wanted to let you back in anyway, though. My heart left my emotional well-being with reckless abandonment. What disgusts me is that I’m afraid I will let you back in if you ever come back to me again. But you wouldn’t come back, not this time.
You treated me like shit with such conviction that I was starting to believe it myself—that I was shit. That I somehow deserved your neglect. I am nothing more than dirt on your USMC-issued boots. I deserved to be ignored or otherwise written off as crazy and complicated. I deserved to be second choice—either because you knew I would always be here while you pursued other ‘priority’ conquests, or because I am second-rate by nature to you and simply not good enough. I deserve having no response from you, and I deserve no explanation; no, those kinds of things only go to people who evoke your pity and guilty conscience, and you had no sympathy for me. “She can take care of herself, she’s a strong girl. She will be happier without me,” you told yourself, absolving yourself of any responsibility or humanity towards me. Yet other times, I was something to fear, something to apprehend, something to be left alone, something to keep your distance from. Instead of really figuring me out, you assumed things and stuck to those assumptions, solidifying them when I proved them right in the slightest. And so, I deserved to deal with shit on my own. I deserved to be denied your attention and love and vulnerability. I deserved to be disrespected and lied to, because let’s face it, I wasn’t someone you fell in love with; I was an obstacle, a roadblock, a diversion, a difficulty, a test. I could only get the minimum–if even that–from you, and I thought that was the best I was ever going to get from you. Better than nothing, I told myself. You were all I ever wanted. I was going to take anything I could get….
I am learning things I thought I already knew. I am dissolving the boundaries of definitions I had previously cemented; I am dissecting everything I ever thought I knew about love and games and selfishness and manipulation and self-respect and self-worth and maturity and pride and communication and assumptions and what it means to 'deserve’ something. So, no, this wasn’t all for nothing; I did learn something. I learned about willpower; I learned that when I want something badly enough, I can make it happen, but I cannot make you love me. I learned that if you had really loved me and you really wanted me, you would have been with me. I learned that I should be allowed to get upset at things without having to fear you abandoning me out of finding me too “difficult” or “complicated” or “emotional” (yeah, sorry I went mad when I found out you were cheating on me. How dare I have reactions and question your honesty, that’s crazy!). I learned that if I was really worth it to you, you would have demonstrated it by trying. I learned that actions do speak so much louder than words. I learned that sometimes, you can lie to yourself so much that you just may start believing your own bullshit because you could be that afraid of facing the truth—that you have become the person you hate, that you could be so terrible as to use and mistreat people the way you did me, that you could be so low. You can say all you want that you hate yourself, but if you are okay with the way you are, then you do not hate yourself. You are content. I learned that, sometimes, people really don’t want to improve themselves; a life of being content with familiar mediocrity is appealing to some people, just like how a life of competitive drive and constant improvement and making the most out of what I have appeals to others such as myself.
My confidence was shaken. How could you not want me? I thought I was everything you didn’t even know you were looking for; you certainly were, for me. I wanted to understand and know you, I wanted to treat you right and take care of you and support you through your difficult times and encourage you through your pursuit of your wildest dreams, I wanted to build a relationship and a life with you. I wanted you to know that I was there for you unconditionally, no matter how angry or sad or annoyed you may have made me. We still always laughed with each other, we had incredibly passionate and electrifying sex, we had a great time simply doing nothing, our bodies fit perfectly, and we loved each other… or at least, I loved you. I thought you were my soulmate. Whenever we were together, I wanted to melt my body into yours. I felt 'complete.’ I could never leave your presence. But I was not enough for you. I was not what you were looking for, and I was never in your plans. And so, I was just as easily discarded from your life as I was first picked up.
I was not the first choice. I should respect that. I will respect you the way you never respected me. I just loved you and wanted to see you happy. If you are happy, then I am happy. If you are happier without me, then as painstaking and bittersweet as it is, I will let you go. No, I will not fight for you, not anymore; I don’t get anything out of it, I never win, and you don’t even acknowledge nor appreciate nor even like it. I think I drive you away when I do that, anyway–perhaps it is a part of your self-loathing. You think of yourself as such an unworthy person that you think anybody who wants you must be crazy, and you get scared that somebody could love you despite all of your flaws. Did you think I didn’t know you were a shitty person? Did you think I didn’t know that you were a hypocritical, indecisive, cowardly, emotionally-confused boy who is afraid to be alone? I knew. I’ve known for a while. I’ve loved you for a while, too.
This has been almost completely a one-sided relationship. It is not needy of me to ask you to reciprocate my efforts even just a little… I would praise you and appreciate you, but of course, you’ve hardly ever seen that, because you’ve hardly ever done anything. It is not clingy of me to ask you to respond within the same day when I talk to you. It is not high-maintenance of me to beseech your reassurance, considering what we had been through in the past. It is not “playing games” on my part when I ask you to be the one to fight for me for a change. It is just the manifestation of the basic human need to feel loved and appreciated and worthy. It is just me wanting to know that I am worth the risk, the fear, the exhilaration.
But that comes from myself. I am worthy. I know my worth; you don’t, and you probably never will, and it is both of our losses.
I just want to know that the time I spent with you was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Just laying there and holding you and mindmelting. I know we will never be together. I think I probably just came at you too strong, needing too much and giving too much and asking too much. I don’t know what the hell happened still. I think I was really nervous. It was just something about you, your vibe, your eyes, your downness. You were so down. We could have done so much more. I’m over it. If you want to tell me what happened I would like that. But I don’t expect it, and I don’t expect to ever see you or talk to you again.
But there are a thousand things I wish I could have told you that I will never get to. It’s weird when I think about you. I feel like I lost something really important. I needed you and that was my problem and that was the lesson I learned. Never need anyone besides yourself. It’s too risky and too demanding and unfair to the other person. But I don’t need you anymore. I picture you and it’s like you’re from a dream. I don’t let myself remember how I felt around you because I know it’s not real anymore, it’s just a memory of how it was. Like Mol in inception.
But for the books, I really did love you, and I would have done anything for you, and I tried to say every combination of words that might fix things and I wanted you so badly. And if I thought shutting the fuck up would have worked, then I would have done that. And I hope you go to school and I hope you like it, and I hope you’re happy. I hope one day you can talk to me like it’s a clean slate, and just tell me what you’re thinking, and that we can be friends, and that goodbye didn’t happen yet. I hope you find love, and I hope I do someday too. I hope you either know or realize how beautiful you are and go and be young and dumb and have crazy fun in the city and at school to know what it’s like. I hope you can figure out why you’re so nervous so you don’t have to take pills for it. I hope you know that our third date at the hotel pool was the best date I’ve ever gone on and one of the best nights of my life, and i felt like anything was possible and i felt free and i felt love for everything within and around me, and i hope i can get back to that place forever some day (not the hotel pool.) But I don’t know where it is so I hope I just stumble upon it and remember how i got there. Sorry I didn’t make this funny or anything. And sorry for whatever I did, and that you were so important to me, and I hope you can tell me what happened someday. I still care and I probably will forever. Take care.
Before you came into my life I saw myself as ultimately unlovable. I felt like if anyone knew me well enough, they would become so disenchanted by my flaws that they would leave me high and dry. I thought it’d be years before anyone really took notice of me, I didn’t think I was the kind of girl guys wanted. At least, not young guys. And I thought that love was a very hard, heart-wrenching task that was more commitment and stubbornness than affection.
And you changed my world. You showed me that I could be loved, even treasured, even after you knew all my nasty, snobby, self-centered flaws. Even after you’d seen me in a vindictive mood for no justifiable reason, even after I’d hurt you when you were already down, even after you’d seen me snoring, with no makeup, in saggy pajamas, after tears and sleepless nights, after nights, after nights.
Not only that, you made love fun. You showed me it wasn’t a stressful chore. You showed me it didn’t require blind determination just for the sake of it - you made me love love. You made it so much easier to forgive. I loved our petty fights, honestly, because I’ve grown up with such huge fights, about religion and direction and love and hate, and when we got in fights they were always so normal and simple. Hurt feelings or small selfishness or jealousy. Honestly, even while we were fighting and I was pissed at you, I was still loving it. I loved knowing that in 30 minutes you and I would have forgiven each other, wiped each other’s tears, and would be in the middle of a whirlwind of I’m sorries and I love yous.
I loved seeing things work. I loved the fact that when I supported you, you were a stronger person, and when you cuddled me, I was a softer person. I loved knowing that you were on my side. That if I woke you up in the middle of the night, crying, you didn’t have to know why or what had happened before you extended your full attention, affection, and loyalty. Actually, I can’t count the number of times I woke you up in the middle of the night, upset about something or other. And you didn’t EVER complain about being tired, or fall asleep on me, or even give the impression that you felt put-out and WANTED to fall asleep on me.
I was shocked at how easily we get along. I’ve never in my life known anyone whom I share so many behaviors with - the same instinctive desires. We functioned on so many parallel planes. We were tired by the same things, feel mischievous about the same things, bothered by the same things. We were moody in the same ways.
I loved being spoiled. No one has ever spoiled me like that, before. No one sent all the love notes or the presents or the cuddles, no one desired my company so often, no one gave me so many smiles or teasing that was always flattering. I always cringed at people’s pet names but whenever you started calling me princess I honestly loved it, because it was exactly how you made me feel, every single day. Because you actually took care of me like I was something precious that was worth looking after. You were always interested in how I was, what I was doing, what my plans were, what you could do to make me feel better. And there wasn’t a time I didn’t just fill up inside with gratefulness that you were in my life.
I’m going to miss so much. I’m going to miss waking up to you every day and going to sleep with you every night. I’m going to miss having someone to turn to at any moment of any day and I’m going to miss having you turn to me. I’m going to miss the promises of better memories than the ones we’ve already made, the memories that keep me warm when I’m lonely: Your hugs and your cuddles and your silent giggles and the ticklish spot above the backs of your knees and your cheek-kisses. and the frustrated laugh you got in your eyes when you wanted to kiss my lips, not my cheek, but you had to respect my dad.
You accepted all of the different versions of me. The philosophical one, the missionary saint one, the funny one, the cutesy one, the naughty one, the angsty one, the irrevocably despondent and weepy one, the snobby one, the preachy one, the clingy one. Instead of calling me despondent, you’d say I was tired. Instead of saying I was preachy you’d say I was stressed. Instead of saying I was clingy you’d say I was cute. You always defended me and set me in the best light, even when I gave you my worst for days on end. I remember the 10 days straight I treated you like dirt and nagged you for everything and no matter how much it hurt your feelings or confused you, you defended me, every single day.
You always thank me for saving you and talk like you’re in debt to me without ever acknowledging that you’ve grown me as a person into someone stronger, happier, braver, more secure, kinder and softer and more loving. By being the man in my life, you let me finally learn how to be a girl. By being accepting, you let me finally be honest with myself. You let me explore myself and my personality, test my wings and grow all in your compassionate and steady oversight.
PS: you always hated your nose, and I was always worried that Skype skewed it and when you got here I’d see it and hate it too, but you got here and I loved your nose to bits. It’s one of the best noses ever. And I always thought if we got married and had kids I hoped they would all have your nose.
PPS: But I’m serious about hating your posture omg stand up STRAIGHT. Don’t walk like a twerp! If you want people to believe you’re 5'9" try standing at 5'9" every now and then!
Posting this because I want the whole world to see that we WERE good for each other, and being together was NOT a mistake, and so everyone knows how much I love youuuu.