Alternate Instrument Names:

Oboe: obi won
Clarinet: squidward
Flute: metal recorder
Piccolo: ear knife
Saxaphone: fuck phone
Barri sax: BIG low fuck phone
Bass clarinet: big squidward
Trumpet: yikes
French horn: bendy straw horn
Trombone: one loud motherfucker
Tuba: band dad
Baritone: smol tuba Bassoon: needy and wants to be included?? Percussion: miles teller

IF YOU PLAY THE 2nd, 3rd, OR 4th PART OF THE MUSIC IN YOUR BAND, YOU ARE IMPORTANT. I’M COMPOSING A PIECE AND THE HARMONIES PROVIDED BY THESE PARTS LITERALLY ALMOST MADE ME CRY. DO NOT DOUBT YOUR IMPORTANCE.

Brass problems

Leaky water keys

Transposing

Running away from tubas

Practising all day and then waking up with a split lip

Playing piano

Being the only girl in the section

Rowdy 12 year old boys trying to take over the trumpet section

Being totally undermined by the rest of the orchestra while knowing that you’re secretly the best you just don’t want everyone else to get jealous

Anything above a top C

Forgetting your mute

Being the only one to remember a mute

Being section leader/principal and trying (and failing) to control your section

Chromatic scales

Counting anything over 4 bars of rests and drifting off because you have a terrible attention span

People calling your baritone a tuba

People calling your instrument a different brass instrument

Not being able to use vaseline. Ever.

Having that one responsible prick in the section and not having any fun

Being that one responsible prick in the section and controlling the fun

People laughing when you say your instrument is called a cornet and asking where the ice cream is Double tonguing Triple tonguing Just tonguing. Practising for over two hours before a rehearsal and not having enough lip left Deciding whether or not it’s worth buying a practise mute Wasting money on a practise mute because they don’t fucking work.

the signs as musical lies i’ve told

Aries: “i didn’t get like any sleep and i didn’t drink my coffee and it’s totally not my fault that i don’t sound good”

Taurus: “yes i was counting that”

Gemini: “yes i know exactly who that composer is and i know exactly what you’re talking about”

Cancer: “it’s my reed”

Leo:  “I WASN’T WRONG HE WAS WRONG”

Virgo: “yes i totally practiced this”

Libra: “you sound sooooo good”

Scorpio: “that’s how it’s supposed to sound”

Sagittarius: “i can totally play that”

Capricorn: “yes i practiced my scales… yes, all of them.”

Aquarius: “sorry i can’t i’ve got a thing”

Pisces: “i suck so much oh my god everybody else is better at this than me how will i ever make it in this cruel world”