brandi and jarrod

My thoughts on Storage Wars.

1.) I love Brandi and Jarrod. They are literally the cutest things together. No matter how many times I see the same episode over and over, the one where Jarrod pulls out a stethoscope and says, “Well I’m not a gynecologist Brandi, but I’ll have a look,” literally makes me crack up every time. 2.) I don’t know about others, but I absolutely hate it when Dave goes away with nothing but the others all lose money. 3.) I wish Barry was my grandpa. He’d be the awesomest grandpa ever. 4.) Speaking of Barry, I feel bad with him that he doesn’t really make any money… :( I understand he’s a collector but I still would like to see him make money. 4.) Darrell and Jarrod and Brandi are a good team together, when they are… 5.) I hate Dave…

My New Obsession

Okay, so I’m totally not watching saved episodes of Storage Wars on my computer.

I’m not practicing Brandi’s “I-Bid-On-This-Locker-And-What-Do-You-Know-It-Made-Us-A-Profit-So-I-Told-You-So” look that she gives Jarrod whenever she’s right about something… Which is often.

Hahahaha! I don’t have a strange love-hate-lust/lady boner for Dave Hester and his hat.

No! I’m not frantically trying to find those AWESOMESAUCE skeleton gloves that Barry Weiss wears to go through the lockers.

FOUND THEM!

And I totally don’t have a crush on Barry, even though he’s my spirit animal and he traded a TV for some bean burritos and he let a guy with an eye-patch look over lockers with him and his one-liners make my life.

Of course I’m not looking at a $30 “YUUUUUUPPPP” shirt and contemplating pawning my beloved trashy romance novels to get one.

FOUND IT! POLYVORE IS MY LIFE!

And you’re silly to think that I’m setting up a picture of Darrell and Brandon Sheets as my wallpaper.

I LOVE STORAGE WARS! ADDICTION!

Shoot for the moon and land in a pile of broken dirt bikes

Storage Wars? You’re familiar? No? Aw, it’s so good.

The Premise:
When people don’t pay the rent on their storage units (hilariously referred to in the show by pseudo-insider-jargon as “units”) for three months they go up for auction. The buyers stand around The Most Boring Locales on Earth (think suburban SoCal storage facility parking lots) and bid on other people’s crap. The catch is that they can’t go inside and they can’t open any boxes/drawers/etc. until after the sale is done. All sales are cash and final.

The Cast:

External image


Barry “The Collector”– Barry’s an old queen that brings psychics and midgets to determine if the units are valuable. He has a pair of lucky socks that say, “lucky socks”, and he makes jokes about sex being like the card game bridge. He also pops wheelies in golf carts, and shoots vintage flair guns at the moon. Raddest.

External image

Dave “The Mogul”– Takes things way too seriously and says things like, “Barry’s making a mockery of my profession by bringing the midget here,” but of course you’re like, “Your profession? You scavenge people’s junk because they can’t pay their rent. You’re one step above above (below?) a garbage man.” He also carries a mini flashlight that he seems to believe makes him an authority figure.

External image

Jarrod and Brandi “The New Guy”– This couple’s marriage is the earliest stage of divorce. They completely fail to understand how the business model works, so most of their time is spent fighting over how to spend the least amount of money on the most worthless units they see. He’s really fond of wearing his Oakleys on his forehead, and one time he estimated a “discman” from 1997 was worth $125.

External image

Darrell Sheets “The Gambler”– In one episode he had his son count 481 silver quarters because they were “each worth $3.25.” He also has a cheap silk house plant sitting in a supposed $5,000 18th century planter in order to disguise its worth. As if a house guest is going to steal his planter.

The Quotes:

Husband: I bought a unit for $800.
Wife: Please tell me you’re messing with me.
Husband: No, I’m not.
Wife: What’s in it?
Husband: There’s some shoe boxes.
Wife: WHAT?!
Husband: It’s also got some broken dirt bikes in it.

Scavenger: I see an extreme number of fishing poles in the back.

Psychic: Can I touch your head?
Barry: Yes! Touch it for an hour!

+There’re more but my memory’s sort of foggy this morn’.+

The Result:

External image

Every piece of crap is appraised at hyper-inflated sums of money: we can all see that the shit he’s standing on is easily worth $4,500, if not more.

Is this show real? Is this show fake? Who cares! Barry digs through his junk in skeleton gloves and rides a motorcycle to auction sites–hilarious not only because he’s an old queen on a sunshine-yellow bike, but also because, how the hell is he supposed to transport all the garbage he buys that day? Not convinced? What about the time they opened a door and the first thing visible was a roll of open paper towels sitting on top of a pile of clothes and an unidentified voice in the background gasped, “Oh wow!” Everyone should watch Storage Wars.

Update: Michael thinks the value of this show lies in that it’s a reality show without the pretense of the participants bettering themselves–at all.