brain programming

there are two settings. the first is success, a crushing perfection that simmers below the surface, a gritted-teeth force that breaks down more often than it runs. it is relying on panic to wake you up, it is nightmares about numbers, it is being unable to stop shaking when the test comes back, it is empty scores, no flaws found but still feels sore. it is the appearance of self-assurance, top-of-the-class, always-in-yoga. nobody gets into the room when you’re sobbing over your gpa. they only smell the candles and not the burning.

the second is failure. it comes in the wake of the smallest thing. a shrug and “you could have done better” rather than a smile. that’s it. and then it’s time to destroy everything. she frowned at me once, we aren’t really her friend and we must never speak to her again. he didn’t want to get dinner, not only is he not interested but he finds us repulsive. it is realizing you are sixteen minutes late and just skipping class rather than showing up late. it’s refusing to study because you understand nothing. it’s taking something down before someone can rip it down for you. it’s isolating yourself so nothing can hurt you and it’s hurting because you’re isolated. it’s missed calls, never-at-work, always-too-drunk. 

that’s it. all or nothing.

for real there’s nothing worse than seeing actual teenagers trot out the “your brain isn’t fully developed until you’re 25!” bullshit. that is a view of brain development that falls somewhere in the spectrum between “way oversimplified” and “just plain wrong”. it gets pushed and repeated because it helps prop up social norms that include robbing young people of autonomy and consent, regulating them out of the public sphere, and silencing their voices on important issues. and my heart just breaks to see teens internalizing this narrative of “you’re inherently stupid and untrustworthy because your brain is programmed to be shitty for another 10 years”. it’s like some kind of mass stockholm syndrome. young people please love yourselves and realize you do not have to wait until your mid-20s to be a whole and real person with the right to be taken seriously.

when you come back after an hour-long break and the report hasn’t written itself yet



Hey here’s a thing i’ve been working on!! Not sure if i’m ever gonna finish it but i figured it wouldn’t hurt to post what i’ve done so far :)

When you are a child and you feel ignored, your brain has actually been programmed to ignore your feelings.
As you age, it will be the ‘norm’ to feel invisible.
And you will naturally feel invisible to your own Self.

You will struggle to ‘see your feelings’ and 'feel them’ and to ultimately be able to 'identify and claim’ these feelings as your own.
You will seek outward validation, cues, signals and signs as a means to help you clarify and justify what is happening inside of you.

This is a consequence of being raised by self absorbed parents.
To 'feel seen’ in an authentic way, we must be willing to 'see the self’ and learn how to embrace as well as shatter any illusion ever created that had us believing we were not good enough.

F**K that programming dear one!

You were always good enough, and when you understand this at your core–you can make the Self your new best friend.
You can be silly, and free because you know it’s okay to be you.

When you develop this self humility and self acceptance, you are able to attract people who can see the real you as well. When they say they love you, you can believe them because you are showing them who you really are. When you hide yourself, and people say they love you,
you will always doubt whether they do because on some level you will know you have hidden some aspect of you due to fearing what they may think of you.

Just be your true Self…own it–accept it…honor it–and don’t expect anyone to change you–and don’t expect anyone to change for you…just be you!

—  Lisa A. Romano

one of the hardest things to express for me, as someone who comes with a mind full of darkness and a body trapped in itself: we are not excused our behaviors. we are not allowed to drain others so that we may, by extension, survive. 

it is hard. of course, of course. lean on others when you can, know that you are not alone, be unafraid of being alive and suffering. it is hard; our brains programmed into believing us burdens, and here, a voice telling you: well, you might be too much to handle and you must not allow yourself the honor.

but what i mean. what i’m trying to say. is that we cannot hold ourselves more important than another. it is a fine line between asking for help and demanding it, between looking for the honest attention and salvation of another’s advice, and simply taking up their time.

i’m speaking as someone who has been in both boats, and still drowning. as someone who has been a burden, over and over and over again, appealing only to the gentle nature of others to provide for the absence of one in myself. and i speak as someone who has been irretrievably wounded by the needs of others; taken advantage of; used for my patience and understanding to such an extent i was bled dry by it. 

toxic natures are not forgiven because they come from a valid space. is my father’s fist only a prayer because he learned how to fight from his mother, and now i forgive him the cycle, turn it to halo? i must, after all, carry the burden of the circle too, to revise and overthink every possibly abusive thing i might do. 

and i’m telling you. sometimes you need to realize others are taking you for your bones. they know you are like them, they know that you’re hurting and would never allow another to suffer too: and they use it. they use it to drain every last drop out of you; to steal you from sleep, from peace, from a good friendship where all affections are returned. 

what i mean is that it is okay to use a crutch. we are all in need of one. but it is not okay to refuse to remember that you put your weight on someone. that you must return the weight, that you must be there for them, in the same capacity as they are every moment. i mean a balance.

there is a girl i have a joke about who only ever gets as far as one inquiry into my life, as far as “hey how’s it going” before i am left to carefully attend to her every problems. when my grandfather died, i turned off my phone. she called me selfish for leaving her alone. her illness does not excuse this; because my illness would not excuse it. i’m telling you two people can be sick, and i’m telling you bad people can be sick; and i’m telling you that sickness does not forgive evil.

please understand. there are those who will appeal to others with the real and valid purpose of getting help, who aspire to get better, who follow diligently the advice of others, who - even if it takes them time - are committed to recovery. who have emergency lapses which take up all space and time and concern, but who you know - would do the same for you in return. 

and there are those who think that they are entitled to your time and energy and patience. and i’m telling you if you are one of them, if you tell others: “i’ll hurt myself without you,” “i’d kill myself if it wasn’t for you,” if you tell others that it is their fault that you would succumb to things: you are the problem. luckily, it is a solvable one. it is one we can fix. remind yourself they are not a professional therapist, and even if they are, they want only your friendship. if you are taking more than you can give, know you can undo it. it’s very simple. thank them, and in the future, be better to them. i know many of you will see this as some vague permission for harmful behaviors; rather instead it’s a command. be better. be good for them. you cannot be there for them if you are not there at all, and you owe it to them.

and to those of you out there who are not ill: it is okay to take time for your own health. to shut the phone off. to rest, to turn off the stress. and it is okay to leave if you must, all of you, any of you: friendship is about equality, not about a strange sense that if you leave you will destroy them. if you must, leave. if you are stressed and overwhelmed and it’s too much: your life matters, too. take the time that belongs to you. talk to them about it. a friend will accept it. a toxic person will resent it.

it’s okay. if you’re trying to help others, i’m proud of you. if you’re trying to get help, i’m proud of you. but remember there exists a line. remember there exists a balance. remember you’re not a doctor, remember you’re just a person, remember that it’s okay, and whatever you do: i love you. it’s okay. i believe in you.

I wasn’t born for this.

And I’m not sure of some big, grand, greater purpose that my life on this earth might be supposed to serve. If I have one, then I have not figured it out yet.

But I know I’m not here for this.

I wasn’t given the light in my pretty brown eyes for me to starve it out of myself.

I wasn’t given a loud, contagious laugh so that no one could here it because I’m always isolating myself. (Where there are people, there is food, and I cannot eat anything if I have not meticulously planned it.)

I wasn’t given a sharp, witty brain that is programmed to be good at math so I could waste it adding and subtracting calories, double checking a seemingly infinite amount of times if I could “afford” a cup of yogurt.

I wasn’t given taste buds and a passion for good food so that the same boring substances would enter my mouth every single day (nonfat yogurt, the “safe” brands of granola bars, 100 calorie pop packs of popcorn- cereal is a treat.)

I wasn’t given a body- a beautiful body that could run and jump and breathe and LIVE so I could disrespect it into a state of breaking itself down to keep me alive while I continue to set it on fire and wonder why I keep getting burned.

I wasn’t given a life with the potential for joy, for service, for first dates, for friendships, for ice cream with a heartbroken friend, for being the heartbroken one myself, for pizza when I just feel like it, for extra calories but extra memories, for hugs, for laughter, for true connections, for days not dictated by numbers that means so little, and for much, much more so that I could waste it on a downward spiral that never ends.

I wasn’t given this illness so that I could submit to it.

It may have been in my DNA, but I wasn’t born for this.

Jumpy Fly-y Game

This gif, though it may not look like it, represents a few months of brain-bending programming manipulating Unity’s First Person Player controller against everything it was programmed not to do. I’ve created code which allows the player to just use one button (the space bar) to both jump AND fly.

For those interested here’s a breakdown of the systems happening behind the scene:

- Unity’s First Person Character Controller hacked apart by yours truly,
- A secondary Rigidbody game object which we add force to and copy it’s transform to simulate flying
- A flying delay timer to allow the player to jump before taking off if they just want to hop around
- The ability to check if we are grounded but not flying and not holding down the jump button in order to reset the timer so that we can jump again
- Checks if we are flying or just falling to decide if we need to be following the flying Rigidbody or if it needs to be following us
- Checks if we are on the ground or were previously on the ground to figure out if we are still in flight mode and if we are following the flying rigidbody or if it’s now following us
- Figuring out when the flying rigidbody object needs to be kinematic so that it doesn’t go falling off ledges when we’re not flying
- The player and the flying rigidbody object on separate Physics Layers which never interact in any way so as to stop collisions happening and to prevent interruption of Raycasts
- And more probably.

Here’s an attempted breakdown of it even further but to be honest it’s extremely involved and probably needs Russel Crowe to map it all out on a glass window before anyone will truly understand, including myself.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I know that a system with DID can develop alters even in adulthood when re-traumatized. But is it possible, once the brain's already been programmed to develop alters in response to stress, to have new alters show up in adulthood even when there is no new trauma? Just like when there's stress of a non-trauma level? bc it seems like that's definitely a thing that happens with DID systems I've encountered, and I believe it's valid to get new alters as an adult even without additional trauma?

If there isn’t trauma, a new alter won’t split off.

But! If an alter seemingly pops out of nowhere, there’s a few things that could be going on:

-An alter formed during trauma and was dormant till now, and this is the first time they’ve interacted with the rest of the system or fronted.

-Long term, repeated stress after DID had already been formed, could create an alter, instead of the typical shorter periods of intense stress

And probably one or two more that are slipping my mind at the moment.

Best wishes!

-Mod Willow

I don’t understand people who are naturally nice whose brains aren’t programmed to attack first apologise second amends third. who can just say the right thing, the kind thing, the soft thing, without thinking about it. people who don’t have to actively decide to be a good person. today I won’t laugh at anyone for being positive, today I won’t bare my teeth if someone smiles at me, today I am going to say hello to my neighbours, today I won’t snap at anyone- these are the kind of affirmations I have to make each morning, to remind me that the world isn’t out to get me, to remind myself to be kind even if others aren’t. sometimes I wonder if there’s any point in being nice if it’s not automatic, not natural, not effortless. if my natural state is spite, snapping, selfish, does that invalidate nice, kind, smiles-at-strangers? or have I been tricked into believing that nice comes naturally to anyone? are we all faking it? would that make it meaningless?

I just love, the power that cartoons have onto the mind of the viewers. You discorvered your hypnosis-fetish with a cartoon am I right?

Of course you did. And you know why? They programmed you. From such a young age. Those colorful cartoons looked so relaxed,so…so happy.

And now, each time you see a cartoon getting hypnotized, you get exciteded don’t you?

You are programmed. Your brain is hardwired now, like a pavlovian reflex.

Or, to say it in a cartoony way….”Boing! You are totally hypnotized”

Is it actually possible to achieve ultimate androgyny? So that all the people who don’t know you would look at you and go “hmm I am 50% convinced they are a woman and 50% convinced they are a man”. So that they would have absolutely no way of saying which one it is. Or is the human brain programmed in such a way that they will always gender you as either male or female when they look at you? And if so is it possible to look so androgynous that exactly 50% of people will think you’re male and 50% that you’re female?

Idk I just really want to confuse people so much that they will be forced to ask and respect my identity, name and pronouns.


In the same way that we’re all programmed to know that babies are cute and spiders are terrible, our brains are also programmed to recognize “sad” and “happy” when it comes to music. The two main chord and scale types are referred to as major and minor. Major chords tend to sound positive and upbeat, while minor chords are spooky and sad. This video shows a pianist playing Beethoven’s “Fur Elise,” once in A minor (as intended), once in A major. Even though there are only three different notes between the keys, the effect is remarkable. Take a listen.

And here’s where it gets weird. Researchers visited a culturally isolated native tribe in Cameroon to see if they had the same perceptions of “happy” and “scary” music as we do. Even though their music was nothing like ours and their civilization had not yet progressed to the Nickelback phase, they identified the emotional core of songs the same way we would. When exposed to piano selections in the major keys, they were more likely to point to pictures of smiling faces; when presented with songs in the minor keys, they were more likely to point to sad or fearful faces.

The really strange thing is that just the act of manipulating yourself into the state that matches the music actually makes you happier, even if the music itself is sad or angry. For example, listening to heavy metal produces the same brain reaction as aggression does, yet subjects are calmer and happier afterward. So how does this relate to you? Well, it’s not just that you want sad music when you’re feeling sad, and vice versa – it’s something that your brain seeks out.

5 Ways Your Taste in Music is Scientifically Programmed

I don’t know if anyone else gets in these moods in university but I have times where I’ve been at school doing schoolwork from 7am-7pm and then I get home and don’t know what to do with myself because it’s like my brain is programmed to think HOMEWORK. At the same time, I also get to the point on the weekend where I learn to relax again (usually over Christmas break) and then it takes me two weeks to be able to sit and study for more than an hour.