bpd relationships

Characteristics & Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder

Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others.

“Always” and “Never” Statements - “Always” and “Never” Statements are declarations containing the words “always” or “never”. They are commonly used but rarely true.

Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.

Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.

Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Catastrophizing - The habit of automatically assuming a “worst case scenario” and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.

Chaos Manufacture - Unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.

Cheating - Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.

Circular Conversations - Arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no resolution.

Cognitive Dissonance - A psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who suffer from personality disorders often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.

“Control-Me” Syndrome - This describes a tendency which some people have to foster relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or “acting-out” nature.

Denial - Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Dependency - An inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.

Depression - When you feel sadder than you think you should, for longer than you think you should - but still can’t seem to break out of it - that’s depression. People who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with depression resulting from mistreatment at the hands of others, low self-worth and the results of their own poor choices.

Dissociation - Dissociation is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.

Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.

Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.

Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship.

Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.

False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.

Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.

Fear of Abandonment - An irrational belief that one is imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded or replaced.

Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.

High and Low-Functioning - A High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is able to conceal their dysfunctional behavior in certain public settings and maintain a positive public or professional profile while exposing their negative traits to family members behind closed doors. A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.

Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Hysteria - An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.

Identity Disturbance - A psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view

Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.

Infantilization - Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.

Lack of Object Constancy - An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision.

Learned Helplessness - Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe that they have no control over a situation, even when they do.

Magical Thinking - Looking for supernatural connections between external events and one’s own thoughts, words and actions.

Moments of Clarity - Spontaneous periods when a person with a Personality Disorder becomes more objective and tries to make amends.

Mood Swings - Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.

Neglect - A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.

Normalizing - Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the manipulation of another human being to get them to agree to, or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or their own basic code of behavior.

No-Win Scenarios - When you are manipulated into choosing between two bad options

Panic Attacks - Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills.

Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family’s other children.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Expressing negative feelings in an unassertive, passive way.

Pathological Lying - Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.

Projection - The act of attributing one’s own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.

Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.

Scapegoating - Singling out an individual or group for unmerited negative treatment or blame.

Selective Competence - The practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence or ability depending on the situation or environment.

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.

Self-Harm - Self Harm, also known as self-mutilation, self-injury or self-abuse is any form of deliberate, premeditated injury inflicted on oneself, common among adolescents and among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The most common forms are cutting and poisoning/overdosing.

Self-Loathing - An extreme hatred of one’s own self, actions or one’s ethnic or demographic background.

Self-Victimization - Self-Victimization or “playing the victim” is the act of casting oneself as a victim in order to control others by soliciting a sympathetic response from them or diverting their attention away from abusive behavior.

Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.

Situational Ethics - A philosophy which promotes the idea that, when dealing with a crisis, the end justifies the means and that a rigid interpretation of rules and laws can be set aside if a greater good or lesser evil is served by doing so.

Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely “good” or completely “bad”.

Thought Policing - A process of interrogation or attempt to control another individual’s thoughts or feelings.

Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.

Triangulation - Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.

Triggering - Small, insignificant or minor actions, statements or events that produce a dramatic or inappropriate response.

Tunnel Vision - A tendency to focus on a single concern, while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.

  • Me: I'm sensitive to the point where if you look at me strangely or don't look at me at all tell me to stop talking or don't talk to me at all ignore my text or call whether what you did was an accident or you don't even realise you did anything at all - It will change my mood for the whole day and my mind will be corrupted for the whole night.
  • Fp: *ignoring the text*
  • Me:
Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

by Darian Rehder (someone who has BPD) 

Things to Understand: 

1.
Their moods change a lot. This is not your fault most of the time. They just feel a lot, and when they’re attached to someone it can make their feelings stronger. It doesn’t mean that they feel all those things about you all the time. 

2. They probably think you’re going to leave them about every day, sometimes more often. If they ask you if you still like them, it’s because they honestly don’t know if you still do. They need to hear it often.

3. If they get randomly angry in the middle of something that you don’t think needs that kind of response, it is usually because something has triggered them. Learn what triggers the person you’re with, so you can both work to prevent it. 

4. Because they feel intense emotions, they also feel love and happiness at large proportions. This is great, because it means they really appreciate their relationships! 

5. Their minds are often on the most emotionally simulating things in their lives, because emotions this strong are hard to ignore. This means you’re probably on their mind a lot. 

6. They do not want to hurt you, if they truly love you. Sometimes when they get angry or depressed or anxious they feel like they need to hurt you or run away or that they don’t love you. This isn’t true, and they often regret or don’t stand by their emotional breakdowns after awhile. Sometimes immediately. 

Things You Can Do:

1. Validate their emotions. Never call them too emotional, needy, dramatic, intense, etc. even if they call themselves that. 

2. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Chances are, they really do hold onto your words. 

3. If you are uncomfortable or need a break from them, which is okay, explain it in a way that makes them sure you aren’t going to leave and that you still love them or care about them. 

4. Do something that makes them feel loved and cared for.

5. If they’re in the midst of some negative emotion, don’t say anything judgmental, don’t tell them what to do, and don’t fight with them. This would be a good time to say something reassuring and kind with no judgmental or controlling undertones. If this doesn’t work and it seems to be going in a loop, refer to number three or continue to tell them how important they are to you. 

6. Remember that there are truths to everyone. Your person might feel like something is very sad, and it may not affect you at all. It doesn’t mean either of you are wrong to feel that way. 

7. Spend lots of time with them! Spending time and using your actions is a good way to reassure someone of your love. 

8. Learn what they love and learn what really upsets them. It’s always good to know someone and work to avoid hurting them. They can do this for you too! 

9. Don’t take things to heart. I know this is hard, but when someone with BPD has a breakdown, they often say things that they don’t truly stand by in the end. When they apologize, they often mean it with their whole heart. 

10. NEVER ignore them, unless you absolutely have to. If you can’t talk or don’t want to talk, explain this to them instead of ignoring their messages. When you ignore them, they assume you are going to leave them or that something is wrong. 

Reasons Why Being with Someone Who Has BPD is NOT Bad

1. Their intense emotions are biological, in most cases. It’s the same thing as having less emotions. It is not a bad thing to feel deeply. 

2. They, most likely, love you with all their heart. BPD people have the biggest hearts and really will work to do nice things for you and make you feel loved. 

3. They are most likely loyal as hell, and will put a lot of time and energy into you. 

4. Like any mental illness, BPD is something people do not want to have. This fact will help you remember that they are not deliberately trying to hurt you in any way and really do wish they didn’t have BPD. This is why they ARE NOT ABUSIVE 

5. All relationships need work. Communicating and working together can actually strengthen the bond you two have. 

6. It can be helpful for someone with BPD to have a relationship so they can practice ways to manage their emotions and actions. Chances are, the longer you’re with them, the more comfortable they will be with you. 

7. They’re always there for you too! All people with BPD that I know, including myself, are very good at talking about issues and helping others with problems. If you want to talk, you can count on them to give you all of their effort to help. 

8. Imagine dating someone with no emotions. That’d be probably a lot harder! Appreciate the deepness of your person’s feelings. It can make life a lot easier! 

9. If they are in a relationship with you, it’s probably because they want to be with you. Keep this in mind when they start feeling negatively. 

10. It’s a relationship! That’s always fun. It will have challenges like all relationships, but remembering that you are with someone you love will always make it easier. 

-Darian 

where’s all the support for abuse victims that were abused by friends, or even just acquaintances, but still couldn’t get away?

where’s the support for abuse victims that heard “they’re hitting you because they have a crush you!”, or “it’s just a scratch/a bruise, it’s not like they’re killing you!” even if they were crying, and begging adults to do something about it?

for victims that heard “they’re just joking, they don’t really mean that!”, and “insults can’t hurt you, ignore them and you’ll be fine!” over and over again, feeling more and more worthless every single time?

I’m here for you. Your abuse is valid, even if no one talks about it, and you have every reason to suffer from it. You’re not “exaggerating it”. You are a victim too.

MAJOR shout-out to Borderlines who have left their abusive or toxic FPs like yall are so freaking strong !!!! You don’t get enough recognition; it’s so hard to leave FPs but you freaking DID IT because you know you’re worth more than that or you want to better your lives or for WHATEVER REASON I’m infinitely proud of you! 💗💗💗💗💗💕💕💕💕

Sure I have emotional baggage but it’s really cute and it all matches