I don't know what to title this and it's so long whatever here I go
I probably heard of asexuality at some point, long before I saw it and recognized it as something I could connect with. To be honest, I knew since I was very young that there had to be something very different about me from the other kids, but I didn’t have a single clue what it was, especially because I didn’t really make a lot of actual friends, just played with them when they let me and that was about all the time I spent with them; I spent a lot of time with the boys, because I was just more comfortable with them than girls at that point with three brothers, and everyone seemed to think it was weird and creepy, but I didn’t get how or why it was.
I figured whenever someone was talking about boys, when they called them cute they meant the same thing I did-aesthecally pleasing-cause I didn’t understand romance very well either at the time. Anytime I was asked about a ‘crush’, I just listed off whoever I’d talked to most who had been nice to me recently, although when I was in early elementary I would get really mad if someone asked whether I had a crush or accused me of liking someone. As middle school got closer and closer everything just got duller, especially after a close family member’s passing that made my mom’s… Not so niceness escalate.
My parents sent me to a few different psychologists, the one that stuck had me do a little note book that involved two pages I felt very awkward doing: ‘Dream you’ and 'Dream Husband’. I told her I didn’t have any clue what to put for the husband, I barely had an idea what to put for myself. She encouraged to just think of things I wanted the person I married to do or that I wanted to do with them, and I don’t remember much else that was said, but I remember just staring at all the stickers for half the session and finally just picking out a few of my favorite things and then plopping stuff I was familiar with as being 'masculine’ at the time, hunting, guns, camo, trucks ect.
After one session, some younger boys(about 3-5 years younger than me, I can’t quite remember) were there while we waited for my parents to talk too. We were pretending to be animals, and were going to take turns as horses, but when it got to my turn my mom snapped for me not to, and told us to play something else. I understand now why she would take it as inappropriate, but at the time I didn’t have a clue and was kind of mad about it, I thought it was just because she thought girls shouldn’t do physical stuff even if they want to.
About a year later we moved states, but before long after that I was back at a psychologists because the school had gone through my stuff because I had a pair of scizzors, and wasn’t pleased at all about what they found in my drawings and writing. See, the way I dealt with not knowing about asexuality was I pretended to be as flirty and hypersexual as my environment allowed, which although wasn’t very much was enough to make me feel uncomfortable, so I dealt with the rest of that the only way I knew how-by writing what I understood of sexual things as smut, mostly r-fics, becuase that was the sexual subject I knew about most.
Even still, I got sick to my stomach and anxious anytime sex was brought up, especially after the incident with the scizzors, because every adult who felt they had the authority to ask and knew would ask me why I did it, and at the time I just didn’t have an answer. The therapist they got didn’t quite get me, and many of the few friends I had in the school were leaving or growing distant, and I as absolutely miserable, and the therapist wasn’t helping. She didn’t understand what the problem was, she just kept telling me to do this and that and express yourself with this thing you like to do.
But I couldn’t, I didn’t understand how, and this woman wasn’t helping. All the therapists I’d been to up to that point had their sessions in churches or had a very church-y atmosphere about them, and as far as I know there’s never been an incident where prayer alone helped a chemical imbalance. So after begging and begging my parents started making plans to move closer to my dads job and go to a school near there, but I still needed to finish the school year, and to do that the school required two more therapy sessions, and because my mom is sick really often and my dads work was an hour away, we managed to find this woman that would come to our house.
She was one of the only adults I’d met until that point who didn’t care if I’d curse, didn’t care how I expressed myself. She outwardly wanted me to have emotions, encouraged me to use more color in my drawings(at that point they were mostly really hard pressed pencil, black, white and red), and diagnosed me with mild depression and prescribed pills to fix it. I moved school and house, and though I started seeing her less I also felt better and better, even if I forgot to take my medication(a bad habit I still have, please don’t try it). I was allowed to get back on the computer, and things were going great, but every time anything related to sex came up I felt just as uncomfortable as before. Scared I’d have to answer some sort of question about it when I knew I’d come up blank.
I had great new friends, everyone in my class was nice af, and the school over all was supportive and kind in a way that makes me tear up even now, but something still felt off, out of place-I was terrified that my depression was getting stronger again to the point it would be able to bother me. I saw the word asexuality where I could remember and recognize it early last school year, during Biology, and while it was talking about sponges and things, something still clicked in the back of my mind about the word-it made me feel comfortable. Late the same school year a friend convinced me to join Tumblr, and there was that word again. So I looked into it and looked into it. At first it was a bit of a sinking feeling, because I didn’t understand what the heck sexual attraction was, but that click happened again as it set in that it was probably the entire reason.
So while I’m still getting comfortable with it all and still working out the kinks of what attraction I do feel, it’s extremely comforting to find a place where for once and for all I can genuinely feel like I belong, and that the people part of it aren’t afraid to defend people like me, even if they aren’t completely like me, because of this little link we share nobody else does. I’ve only come out irl to a small group I was friends with on a trip I took for, what else, writing, but I hope to get a positive reaction from some close friends October 11th!