boyfriend no.4

My dash is pretty empty and I need more people to follow so reblog if

  • You can also hear the consistent, B-flat humming of the moon every night and you understand what it’s trying to convey.
  • You met an angel in the parking lot of Burger King who gave you a soda and a meaningful look before dissolving into flames.
  • You have distinct memories of watching The Video on the internet that you can determine, through the shared experiences of other, undoubtedly existed, yet not even a mention of it can be found anymore.
  • Bill Murray has appeared in your house, took all of the legs off of your chairs without saying a word or breaking eye contact, and left. You’re not sure how he got in or out. All of your doors were locked.
  • You have reached the edges of the Program where you could see the earth dissolve into pixels and strings of binary, momentarily before They re-calibrated it and a simple street materialized in front of you.
  • You lie awake at night unable to sleep because your mind is full, wondering what horrors might exist in the vast jaws of space that your mind has not evolved to comprehending yet.
  • Poppy has c
  • You heard a conversation occurring in your house knowing you were the only person home. When you investigate your animals lock eyes with you, sitting still and scared like wide eyed statues until you leave.
  • You haven’t found the heart to tell your mother that her boyfriend of 4 years is really just a sack of potatoes in a child sized tuxedo. She is happy for the first time in years, you think you will just keep it to yourself.
  • No one believes you about the small red cow that seems to live on your nightstand. The cow mocks you about this fact. That is the only thing the cow does. The nightstand emits a loud noise when you attempt to remove it.
  • Wherever you go you always here the faintest loop of 99 Red Balloons by Nena that seems to play in the distance. It never sounds any closer or farther, though some days it is in German.

Anyway this is all I can think of for now lol. If anything here applies to you I’ll probably give you a follow.

My kid does 13K in damage to studio equip, we handle it like lunatics.

[Part 1]

Some background:

I’m an audio engineer and score arranger full time in my self-owned business. It’s how I provide for myself, my fiancée (also CF), and my mother. I record, mix, and master for bands, voice-overs for local commercials, and write music for people’s weddings, college films, indie games, etc.. It was my passion since I was a child and every day I ask myself why I get paid to do what I do.

You know, until today.

I had a woman schedule to come in because she wanted me to record her monologue for an acting class. I thought it was going to be easy enough. I set up a mic and a music stand in the sound booth and got my workstation prepped for tracking. She was supposed to show up at 3:30, so when 4:00 came around, I called her to ask her if she was still coming. It was my last contract for the day and I was wanting to get home to my fiancée, dogs, and dinner.

“Oh, sorry sweetie, I’m going to be there soon. I just had to get my son from ex-boyfriend.”

Uh oh.

4:12, she showed up with her child.

To preface, I’ve never really wanted kids, and don’t really hate them either. But I’ve been childfree of mind for a decade now in league of several bad child experiences in public.

Anyway, I sat her down at the conference table and tried to talk to her about the contract and billing, etc., and just couldn’t because of the six-years-old pile of ovary droppings next to her.

“Mommy it’s cold in here.” “Mommy, I’m bored.” “Mommy, that guy has girl hair.” “Mommy, I want to play on the phone.”

The incessant whining went on for the entirety of the discussion. She did nothing about it. I had an ache in my stomach that this might be a rough session.

I was right.

I showed her to the sound booth, positioned the mic at face level, told her the basics of mic use, and then she floored me with a question.

“Can my son stay in there with you while I do this?” I insisted that he wait in the conference room (across the hall from the control room) because the control room wasn’t a very kid-friendly place considering the 120K of equipment at arms reach.

“But he’s a little angel.”

I shouldn’t have taken her word for it. I SHOULD NOT have taken her word for it. This kid was ANYTHING but. I let him in, told him to sit in one of the office chairs and don’t touch anything. Needless to say, he touched. I queued the recording arm and signaled her to start. She got three lines into her take before I hear a deafening screech and crash.

That little shit machine had just knocked over a $4,000 Korg into a rack with $9,500 of equipment. Completely shattered the touchscreen on the Korg, busted the dials off of half of the effects, and totaled my distressor that I use for almost all the vocals I track.

All of this, by the way, was the room’s length apart from where I told the crotch goblin to stay.

The kid, because of the loud noise, started full-lung screaming. Not crying. Not yelling. Screaming.

The mother, with no hesitation, ran over to the control room and DEMANDED to know what I did to her child. She cussed at me and accused me of hurting her little snot monster. Threatened to sue and even swung at me. When I told her that her precious angel had just racked up at least twelve grand of damages, she said “good”, spit on me, then stormed out, slamming every door on the way. So I pulled the security camera footage and had filed a police report. Grand total: $13,504.25. I also mailed her the bill for her session for good measure.

Of six years in the studio, this is my only truly terrible experience. Fuck mombies. Fuck having children. Thanks for making my vasectomy decision that much easier on me.

[Part 2]

Keep reading

ft. vilde trying to avoid the ‘i love you’ and focusing extra on Magnus’ genitals and the ‘EVERYBODY LISTEN TO ME IM GOING HOME TO FUCK……A GUY…IT’S A GUY!!!!!!’ channeling some extra Straight™

Hot off the algorithms, it’s Fandometrics.

Television: Miraculous Melissa McCarthy

Miraculous (@officialmiraculousladybug) jumps three spots to No. 3 in anticipation of its Netflix rerelease. 
Saturday Night Live came back at No. 13 after Melissa McCarthy killed that Sean Spicer impression.

Originally posted by trapstrblog

Movies: Two love stories, and that’s all they have in common.

⬆ With the release of the final trailer and new theme song, Beauty and the Beast leaps to No. 3.
☆ Sundance superstar Call Me by Your Name debuts at No. 14.

Music: Two queens, two babies, and a big football game.

Beyoncé (No. 1) knew we needed good news so she got pregnant with twins. All hail Beyoncé.
Lady Gaga (No. 2) is not far behind after she broke up the Superbowl with her halftime show.

Originally posted by justalittletumblweed

Celebrities: Where’s Dylan, tho?

Kristen Stewart (No. 1) used SNL to remind us how obsessed POTUS was with her ex-boyfriend.
Cole Sprouse (No. 4) rises from the Riverdale mist for the first time since June.

Games: What have you been playing?

☆ Stop, drop, and roll: Fire Emblem Heroes debuts at No. 6 after its recent release.
⬇︎ Animal Crossing: New Leaf has seemingly taken up residence of our list. This week it’s at No. 13.

Web stuff: Happy birthday, happy new show!

AmazingPhil (@amazingphil) celebrated his birthday on the 30th, moving up three spots to No. 2.
Joe Sugg has a new TV show, and a new home at No. 19.

I summarise heathers songs
  • Beautiful: School sucks unless your hot
  • Candy Store: Your not allowed to suck anymore
  • Fight for me: DAAMMNN you're hot
  • Freeze your brain: Take a fucking sip babes
  • Big Fun: underaged drinking! UNDERAGED DRINKING!
  • Dead girl walking: Sexy times
  • The me inside of me: Die in order to become even more popular
  • Blue: The fuck boi tune
  • Our love is god: I killed three people but I love you
  • My dead gay son: Dads out gay their sons
  • Seventeen: So sit in the naughty corner for murder
  • Shine a light: Your flaws are okay*
  • Lifeboat: My life's gone to shit now that all my rides to school have died
  • Shine a light reprise: *as long as they're socially acceptable
  • Kindergarten boyfriend: Still not over my ex, the song
  • Yo girl: Lol your life is shit
  • Meant to be yours: VERONICA openthe opentheDOOR plEAse
  • Dead girl walking: You thought you'd seen the last of me hah think again
  • I am damaged: You suck less than me so I'll die
  • Seventeen reprise: My boyfriend killed 4 people including himself but fuck that lets go watch the princess bride