It Spikes and It Dips
A/N: An anon request for a Spencer x Reader where she’s afraid that he won’t like her body the first time they’re intimate because she’s curvy. I’ve done this once or twice before, but I decided to try at it again, from a different standpoint. No smut at all, just a lot of panic between the reader and her friend and an eventual talk with Spencer. @coveofmemories @sexualemobitch @jamiemelyn
“Oh my god, man, I’m freaking out,” you said, standing in front of the mirror in the dressing room, your bestie standing right outside the door. As you contemplated your first intimate moment with Spencer, which you felt was on the horizon fairly soon, you smoothed out the wrinkles in the dress you were trying on. It was a cute light green, almost vintage sundress with small white stripes going across the waist and skirt. You looked awful. Not the dress. You pulled it off immediately without even showing Tina.
She huffed as she saw you discard the green dress, bitching that she hadn’t even been able to see it. “It was not flattering on me, T.”
“I could’ve told you if it was if you would’ve let me see it,” she replied. You could practically hear the eye roll. “And why are you freaking out?”
You’d been over this so many times already and she just didn’t get it. Tina was naturally very thin. You were healthy, you ate well, and exercised whenever you could, but your body always held onto weight much more easily and you carried it much differently than her. “I’m freaking out because my boyfriend is ridiculously thin and he’s only had one other girlfriend in his life and she was crazy thin. And I mean, I’m healthy, but I don’t look like the type of women that throw themselves at him. What if I take my clothes off and he’s repulsed and he runs away?”
Peaking your head out of the dressing room, you were met with Tina grabbing your cheeks. “One, if he did something like that he wouldn’t be worth your time anyway.”
“True,” you replied. “But the thought and/or the act would still hurt like a bitch.”
“Two, you are gorgeous. I thought you were getting better with that?”
You were. But struggling with self-confidence was a day-to-day thing, especially when you’d struggled with it as long as you had. As a kid, you were the “big” one of your friends, so you always felt like the ‘odd man out.’ “I am, but it depends on the day. When I’m at home and dancing half-naked around my apartment, I’m like ‘yea, I feel good, I’m awesome and I look damn good,’ but then I go out in the world and I see magazines with the beautiful women that I wished I looked like and I know I never will and you see these guys fawning over them and you’re like they’ll never fawn over me like that. I’m the friend, not the lover. You feel me?”
In a panic, you ducked back into the dressing room and tried on dress after dress, not liking the way any of them fit. Finally, you found another one (you’d already picked out one you didn’t hate) that you were willing to show Tina. “How about this one?” you asked, stepping out fully and looking down at the flowy material. The dress was a deep green with random white dots. You wouldn’t describe it as polka dot, because the pattern was a little less consistent, but it was pretty nonetheless and you didn’t hate the way you looked in it.
“Oh my god, it’s gorgeous,” she said, taking your hands and twirling you around outside the dressing room. Another client in the store commented on how she liked the dress on you, which made you feel better about it. You decided to try on the royal blue one you liked one more time.
As you stepped into the dressing room again you thought about the compliment from the random stranger. It felt good. Why did you take a compliment better from a stranger than a friend? You guessed it was because you assumed a friend had to be nice to you because they were your friend, while a stranger held no loyalties, but it still pissed you off that you always rejected compliments from friends. “So blue or green?” Tina asked, just as you were about to step out from the room again.
“I don’t know,” you whined. The royal blue was plain and patternless, but there were pleats in the front, which in your mind, disguised the stomach you had.
Tina playfully smacked the side of your face. “Focus and answer immediately. No thought,” she said. “Forget what anyone thinks. Which one do you feel more comfortable in?”
“There you are. Blue it is. Now go get changed. We’ll check out, and I can walk you through your panic.”
What would you do without her? She really was a constant for you. You really shouldn’t have expected anything less from your best friend for life though. Together since grade school, she’d stuck by your side through thick and thin.
After checking out, you got into the car and started driving back to your apartment. Spencer was supposed to be picking you up in a few hours and you still needed time to get ready. It wasn’t as if you were planning on having sex tonight, but you’d been going out for a few months and felt like it was naturally going to happen fairly soon. “Now, you still have a few hours, so I want you to get into some pajamas that make you feel good and dance around the apartment. Then when you change into the dress you’ll be feeling good. If you sit around in the dress, you’ll panic.”
She knew you too well. You’d start picking things apart and freaking out even more. “Have you shaved?” she asked as you put on a random t-shirt and boy-shorts.
“Legs and bikini?”
“Thanks, Tina! Now my neighbors know I have a freshly shaven bikini area, yea I’m good!”
“Okay good,” she laughed. She told you to sit down in front of her while she fixed your makeup and for the next couple of hours she distracted you with random crap so you didn’t focus on how nervous you were.
By the time you got changed into the dress you bought, it was only 15 minutes until Spencer was supposed to pick you up. Tina made her way out, telling you not to freak out, you were going to be fine, and if Spencer didn’t appreciate your body for exactly what it was then he sucked ass anyway. All true. Still nervous. But whatever, you couldn’t change a damn thing right now.
At last, there was a knock on the door. “Hey, Spence,” you said, opening the door to see that he was also wearing blue. God, he looked good in every color, it was stupid. “How was work?”
“Just got back from a case and we were able to return the boy to his family, so all in all it was a good case. If there is such a thing.” As he stepped into your apartment, he gathered you close to him and took your lips in a searing kiss. “I’ve missed you though.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” He ran his hands down your back, pulling you closer and running his eyes down the length of your dress. It was rare that you could see it yourself, but you could see that he thought you looked good, his eyes lingering on your legs and the way the dress hugged your waist.
“You look beautiful.”
“Thank you,” you said, blushing slightly as you looked down at the floor.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “You never blush.”
You heaved an enormous sigh. You hated sharing your insecurities, but part of gaining confidence was being more open about those insecurities, so you decided to just say it. “I’ve been panicking about us having sex for the first time,” you blurted out, enjoying the stunned look on his face.
“Why?” he exclaimed. “I haven’t put pressure on you or anything right? Because if I have, I seriously didn’t realize it…but can I ask why?” He was so confused.
You closed the door behind him, pulling him into the kitchen as you grabbed a glass of water. “Well, you remember me telling you about how I’ve struggled with my looks?” He nodded, recalling the conversation you’d had shortly after you started dating. “I still struggle with it. Most days I’m good now, because I’ve really been working on it, but other days I see the pictures of women who are admired that I’ll never look like and I fear that people won’t like me because of it. Stupid? Probably. But my brain can’t help it. It spikes and it dips. Plus, you are stick thin and could actually be a goddamn model, and your only other girlfriend was thin and beautiful, so I panic thinking that you’ll see me naked and wanna run away.”
Spencer chuckled under his breath, stepping into the kitchen and gathering his arms around your waist. There were a few tears in your eyes. You were emotional and freaked out, but you weren’t going to cry. “It’s not stupid. Unfortunately, that’s the way a lot of people are age grew up, thinking that if you didn’t look a certain way you weren’t deserving of love. But I think you’re beautiful for a number of reasons, including how you look. I would be the king of assholes if I ran away at the sight of you.”
“True,” you laughed. “But I’ve been with assholes who’ve told me I needed to lose weight.” You’d never admitted that to him before. His mouth dropped open in astonishment.
“Seriously? Fucking assholes.”
You snorted as his exclamation. Spencer wasn’t one to curse. That was your territory. “Yea, but sometimes I still freak, you know? I’m getting better with feeling good in my own skin, but it’s still hard, and I’ve got a super hot boyfriend that could get any woman he wants.”
I think you’re wrong there,” he snickered. “But the point is, I want you. We don’t have to do anything until you’re ready, but whenever you are, I can tell you I’ll be waiting expectantly. To be honest, I have a thing for your butt.”
“Really?” you asked, turning around and patting your hands over your ass. You actually didn’t hate it. Again…that was growth. “Well, maybe you’ll get to see this butt one of these days.”
“Yessss,” he hissed, pumping his hands in the air like a high-school jock that just scored a touchdown. “My girlfriend has a great butt and a heart of gold.”