boy of free!

fourth of july: fahc edition

(bc i’m slightly tipsy and there’s already ppl shooting fireworks outside)
(under a read more bc i have no control  and must be stopped)

jack

  • wears bright red lipstick and blue eyeshadow bc she’s feelin p a t r i o ti c
  • is in charge of the food
  • her apron says “quit bitchin’ in my kitchen”
  • actually the kitchen is strictly off-limits while she’s cooking get the fuck outta here
  • seriously one time she threw a knife at ryan’s head when he tried to grab a potato chip
  • goes all out for the fourth of july y’all. we’re talking buttery corn on the cob, fresh guac, fried green tomatoes, salted watermelon, mac n cheese, apple pie mmmmMMMMM
  • follows an old patillo family recipe to make the best goddamn potato salad this side of the mississippi river holy shit like,,, it’s so fucking good god bless the patillos
  • uses a secret ingredient in her potato salad that she’ll take to her grave don’t even bother asking buddy she’ll laugh in your face
  • (jeremy thinks it’s white wine)
  • (gavin thinks its cocaine)

geoff

  • wears leather sandals and american flag-printed board shorts why geoffrey why
  • is in charge of drinks
  • obviously
  • imports single malt whisky straight from scotland
  • then steals 2 dozen crates of bud light from the 24/7 supermarket down the street
  • geoff there’s literally only 15 people at this party do you really need 10 bottles of tequila
  • likes making mixed drinks for people who didn’t order them
  • his “signature drink” is called The Firecracker™
  • everyone’s pretty sure it’s just fireball and actual gasoline
  • always ends up ranting about how fucked up the american founding fathers were
  • “guys thomas jefferson was such a dick i fucking hate that dude”
  • “we know geoff”

ryan

  • shifts into Ultimate Dad Mode™ on the fourth of july bless his heart
  • unironically wears USA t-shirts from old navy and a backwards baseball cap
  • it makes him look * c o o l *
  • is in charge of the grill
  • looks way too comfortable using a meat cleaver and a butcher knife
  • ryan that’s just *beef* in those burgers right?
  • has an AK-47 strapped to his back just in case they come
  • “just in case who comes?”
  • “they”
  • likes to sing 80’s rock music while grilling 
  • there’s a video of him belting jessie’s girl into his spatula
  • ryan is not aware of this video
  • it’s saved on jack’s laptop (encrypted and password protected)

jeremy

  • is in charge of the music
  • turns into the biggest Dudebro™ on the fourth
  • yells ‘merica before doing anything
  • uses red white n blue spray-on hair color and completely fucks up the bathroom sink with it
  • his playlist is called “'freedom muthafukaaaas”
  • songs include: bruce springsteen’s “born to run”, warrant’s “cherry pie”, ELO’s “mr. blue sky” and abba’s “dancing queen”
  • insists on being called DJ rimmy tim for the whole day
  • keeps trying to get people to play pool volleyball with him
  • drinks anything geoff puts in front of him
  • he and jack end up trying to parachute from the cargobob into the pool
  • “jerEMY NO”

michael

  • is in charge of the fireworks
  • doesn’t buy fireworks tho are you kidding me fuck that this isn’t amateur hour sON
  • spends all of april/may developing homemade fireworks with trevor and matt
  • has almost lost multiple fingers while testing their creations
  • also nearly blinded himself while trying to modify a bottle rocket
  • tbh this is the most dangerous thing he does all year and he’s a Professional Criminal for a living
  • created a firework that explodes in bright red brocades and makes the air smell like roses
  • he calls it “the lindsay”
  • every year there’s an illegal massive fireworks show on mt. haan that gets set up anonymously and is electronically detonated
  • everyone knows its the fakes but literally every person in town comes out to watch it and it’s basically a los santos tradition so the LSPD are like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 
  • they get a tupperware of potato salad for their troubles
  • (it’s the best goddamn potato salad they’ve ever had)

gavin

  • likes to remind everyone that’s he’s british and that he’s offended by their patriotism
  • “congrats on your bad healthcare and shite chocolate”
  • paints a lil british flag on his cheek bc fuck u guys
  • but then #brexit rip
  • has the most insane shit delivered to the penthouse for Funsies™
  • last year it was a massive bouncy castle that blocked off the whole street
  • the year before he brought five thousand water ballons filled with ice, blood, flour, and some weird goo he somehow smuggled in from china
  • jeremy almost had to go to the hospital
  • geoff was not a fan
  • literally no one has a clue what gavin has planned for this year and they’re not sure if they should be terrified or excited
  • (it’s actually a lads vs gents nerf battle with tranquilizer-loaded darts)
  • (geoff will not be a fan)

the fakes

  • just bc it’s a national holiday doesn’t mean they’re not heisting
  • jack wears his gaudiest hawaiian print
  • ryan switches his black face paint for blue (sometimes he’ll even add stars)
  • the lads load up on homemade grenades and bombs that sparkle and whizz as they detonate
  • they hit every major bank and big business within the city limits as the los santos sky explodes with color
  • on july 5th, planned parenthood, greenpeace, the national immigration law center, the trevor project, the ACLU and countless other NGOs get their annual summer donation - always impressive, always anonymous
  • bc the fakes know that they’re country is no longer truly the land of the free
  • and they may be criminals but goddamnit they’ll do their best to fix it
  • bc who better than america’s most wanted can give america what it needs the most?
Hey my tumblr bros did you know that:

Not every asexual/aromantic is cishet

Women can be abusive.

Men can be victims of abuse.

Transwomen aren’t drag queens and don’t appreciate your “YASSS QUEEN SLAY HER”

Transmen aren’t “sweet innocent trans baboo uwu”

Gay people can be manly as fuck and aren’t just “soft and pure”

Lesbian and TERF aren’t the same thing.

The LGBT+ community aren’t animals in a zoo, so stop treating LGBT+ folks like an injured tiger cub at a rehabilitation center.

But hey, what could I possibly know, I’m just a 14 year old pre-T trans kids, I know nothing about the “Real world”.