boy girl boy

hey there. i just want to share a story about girls who claim to be feminist, but deep down really only use it for the label and to spread female chauvinism. i also want to talk about people who think their partner deserved the rape. and my friends who refuse to be on my side, bc they’d rather be friends with a rapist than deal with drama. sorry if i ramble, but the “#metoo” thing on FB makes me want to talk.

many years ago my abusive ex boyfriend raped me. my current boyfriend at the time told me i deserved it, because i had cheated on him with my ex before. i still feel terrible about the cheating, but the rape was real and i did NOT deserve it. anyway, my now ex forced me to stay friends with my rapist for the sake of “the group”, which includes a female i have known for a loooong time. she strongly started calling herself a feminist a few years ago. i started to notice, however… she only talks about feminism when a man doesn’t want to be with her, or when it looks good on fb… and she was not there for her “sister” when i thought i would be able to count on her, when i was verbally assaulted by my rapist for THE LAST TIME and she called the cops on ME. 

it started out with a party on NYE. i had spent a week having anxiety attacks preparing to be around my rapist, for “the sake of the group”. my feminist friend, who knew he was an abusive psycho and also my ex… was on her knees basically stroking his dick in front of the entire room.  so, i went off to smoke with another friend. i was already tipsy, and used to pretending to be my rapist’s “friend”, so i didn’t really care when he wanted to smoke too. he basically brushed the girl off of her to come upstairs and smoke with me and an old friend, who also knew about the rape. my rapist was really drunk, like the time he raped me .. and ANGRY… and was screaming top volume about politics in my face. all i kept saying was “please, lets change the conversation i don’t want to talk about this”… he continued yelling, i asked for THE FIFTH TIME “___, can you PLEASE stop? you’re making me really anxious”, and i showed him my shaking hands. he knows i have a panic disorder. i wanted to leave, but he was blocking the door. my male friend just sat there and let the fight happen, didn’t stick up for me or even bother to say “could you shut up?”. as soon as my rapist saw my hands, he got really in my face and SCREAMED, “YOU KNOW WHAT??? YOU’RE JUST A STUPID FUCKING BITCH!!!”. He always verbally abuses me at parties and when we dated, but this time was the last. I went to throw the content of my drink on him, but he lifted his arm that was holding his own drink. As I threw the liquid content, his glass clinked into my glass, and split his lip. He knew what had happened,an accident. but, before I could even blink he was running downstairs telling everyone I stabbed him with a shard of glass.  before my “feminist sister” could ask if I was “okay” or “what happened??”, she had already called the police and told them her friend had been assaulted by me! so the cops come within ten minutes, which everyone blamed ME for btw, bc my rapist couldn’t have walked down the street and said he slipped on the ground and called the ER himself. instead, my “feminist friend” decided it was her duty to call the cops!! so my rapist went outside to the cops and bold face lied to them… he told them i started it all and attempted to brutally mutilate him. luckily my rapist heard me say, “this man has done things to me in the past that i could have called the cops on but didn’t” i also had a voicemail saved of him threatening to rip my lungs out and kill me in case i really needed to show the cops what this guy was like. so, even though the rapist stuck to his story, he told them he didn’t want to press charges. when i came inside everyone was angry at ME for disrupting the party before the ball dropped. nobody cared that a grown man had screamed in my face that i was a stupid fucking bitch, whilst not letting me leave the room. my friend who was in the room during the fight literally said, “he was screaming at you, but you shouldn’t have let it escalate to that.” so i still basically deserved it. nobody cared that the “feminist” had called the cops without even warning ppl to hide their weed, and that she or my rapist was the reason no one saw the ball drop. my ex boyfriend who told me i “deserved” the rape was there, and gave me evil glares all night….. i thought for sure my feminist friend would at least apologize after i ended up freaking out and screamed to the room what he did to me in the past, and that it was “THE LAST TIME” bc i was “SICK OF GETTING ABUSED BY MY ex/RAPIST”. i cried for about twenty minutes solid while she just stared at me and continued to laugh and party with my ex that told me i deserved it, whilst flirting with him! i have been having flashbacks about that night and the rape ever since Jan, and now I know that no matter what… even when the biggest feminist at the party finds out her friend is a rapist… that they will remain the rapist’s friend until the end of time. Because, I “deserved it” and was being “dramatic”.

So after that I have been having a lot of trouble trusting “feminists” who act like they care so much, but only when it suits them… I think feminism is great, but I’m just so angry and I want to confront her. I want to let her know that what she did was a move against the feminist cause, even if he was hurt … she didn’t even ask if I was okay. Usually for a girl to toss a drink on a man, the man did something to warrant it. I didn’t say anything negative to her, though… for “the sake of the group”. Then she stopped following me on social media a few months ago, completely out of the blue… knowing damn well we are going to be at parties together again. Why would she do this on top of everything else? I never called her out for ppl saying I ruined the party, when she almost ruined my life if I had gone to jail. I am not wealthy like her, i wouldn’t have had bail money… and I should not have had to face punishment ONCE AGAIN due to my rapist. I have such mixed feelings. I would love to go around calling myself a feminist, but I’m literally afraid of the word thanks to all the female chauvinists, and my in real life experiences.

I know I should look for new friends, but it isn’t easy in a one square mile town where everyone knows your name. On top of it all, my rapist’s sister went around town calling me a “rape crier”. so, it really hurts when I finally stick up for myself, and once again IM the bad guy! I have PTSD from the rape, and this just made it all so much worse.

Do you have any words of advice? Or tips on how to figure out who the real feminists are without having to be attacked by a male IRL first? Or how to get people to understand that it’s not okay for men to scream that women are stupid bitches to the point where they are having a panic attack? Should I just accept that most people suck, and stop talking about it? I worry that every time I make a post on fb about rape or abuse, someone is sitting there thinking… “liar. slut. she deserved it.”, even though I never mention my story or that it happened to me. I want to put myself out there. I want to post “#metoo” statuses, but it seems like in this world if you actually get raped instead of just a slap on the booty at a bar, you’re being “dramatic” or “lying”, or at the very least are questioned about it.  . I feel sometimes like women are worse to each other than men. I just don’t know what to do and I feel so fucking alone, even though I’m happily married with a man who knows i didn’t deserve it…. he doesn’t understand the pain and the flashbacks and daily morning panic attacks. I want friends who don’t sympathize with rapists, and feminists who are what they say they are!!!

I don’t know if this was the right type of content to submit to your blog, I just really like your posts and you seem to offer good advice. I’m sorry my story is so long… Thank you so much for taking the time to read it <3

MAMA 2017 Nominees

Best New Male Artist

  • Wanna One
  • Golden Child
  • The East Liight
  • Samuel
  • Jeong Sewoon

Best New Female Artist

  • PRISTIN
  • Dreamcatcher
  • Momoland
  • Weki Meki
  • Kim Chungha

Best Male Artist

  • G-Dragon
  • Zion.T
  • Psy
  • Yoon Jong Shin
  • Zico

Best Female Artist

  • Sunmi
  • Suzy
  • IU
  • Taeyeon
  • Heize

Best Male Group

  • EXO
  • GOT7
  • Nu’est W
  • Wanna One
  • BTS
  • Seventeen

Best Female Group

  • BLACKPINK
  • TWICE
  • Red Velvet
  • Mamamoo
  • GFRIEND

Best Band Performance

  • CNBLUE - Between Us
  • DAY6 - I Smile
  • FTISLAND - Wind
  • Buzz - The Love
  • Hyukoh - Tomboy

Best Hip Hop & Urban Music

  • Dean - Come Over
  • Mad Clown - Lost Without You
  • Woo Won Jae - We Are
  • Zico - Artist
  • Heize - Don’t Know You

Best Collaboration

  • Dynamic Duo & Chen - Nosedive
  • Jay park & Dok2 - Most Hated
  • Soyou & Baekhyun - Rain
  • IU & Oh Hyuk - Can’t Love You Anymore
  • Hyorin & Changmo - Blue Moon

Best Music Video

  • EXO - Power
  • TWICE - Signal
  • Wanna One - Energetic
  • BTS - Spring Day
  • Seventeen - Don’t Wanna Cry

Best OST

  • Bolbbalgan4 - You and Me from the Start
  • Suzy - I Love You Boy
  • Ailee - I Will Go to You Like the First Snow
  • Chanyeol & Punch - Stay with Me
  • Crush - Beautiful

Best Vocal Performance Male Solo

  • Zion.T - The Song
  • Yoon Jong Shin - Like It
  • Jung Seung Hwan - This Fool
  • Han Dong Geun - Crazy
  • Hwang Chi Yeol - A Daily Song

Best Vocal Performance Female Solo

  • Kim Sejeong - Flower Way
  • Suran - Wine
  • IU - Through the Night
  • Jung Eun Ji - The Spring
  • Heize - You, Clouds, Rain

Best Vocal Performance Group

  • Winner - Really Really
  • Mamamoo - Yes I Am
  • Bolbbalgan4 - Missing You
  • BTOB - Missing You
  • Highlight - Callling You

Best Dance Performance Solo

  • Sunmi - Gashina
  • Psy- New Face
  • Lee Hyori - Black
  • Taemin - Move
  • Hyuna - Babe

Best Dance Performance Female Group

  • Apink - FIVE
  • TWICE - Signal
  • Red Velvet - Red Flavor
  • SNSD - Holiday
  • GFRIEND - Love Whisper

Best Dance Performance Male Group

  • EXO - Ko Ko Bop
  • NCT 127 - Cherry Bomb
  • Monsta X - Beautiful
  • BTS - DNA
  • VIXX - Shangri-La
  • Seventeen - Don’t Wanna Cry

i feel bad for anyone who hasn’t found that band or artist that has made their heart beat faster and has brought tears to their eyes and made them laugh and feel everything at once bc it’s literally one of the best feelings in the world and i hope everyone get to feel that