New Sketches Written: Citizens of Mattropolis Celebrate.
MAYOR BUCHHOLTZ BRINGS ABOUT GREAT CHANGE! BEST MAYOR EVER! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
A statue is to be erected in the thriving city of Mattropolis after a successful writing session on Saturday between Mayor Buchholtz and friend of Mayor, Ben Lepley.
Sources inside the Mayor’s office describe the event going down as follows:
The writing session started out well, and the mood was light. Drinks were cold in the writers’ room as a warm summer breeze wafted in through the window. The Mayor and Lepley worked diligently on the comedy sketch for about five minutes until the Mayor received a text that SimCity existed on the iPhone. After that, the Mayor created our beautiful city. Apparently Lepley voiced concern about the lack of productivity on the new sketch initiative, but the Mayor was busy establishing a new commercial zone for our downtown. Lepley seemed to not understand the gravity of the issues facing the mayor, especially when pitching new blackouts as the Mayor was busy lowering the taxes to see industry grow in the East Village District.
However, by the end of the day, new sketches were finished and our city found itself in a budget surplus.
Matt Signs BOX SEATS Likenesses and Names Over to Japanese Dating Sim
Box Seats was shocked today to hear not only that they were the stars of a Japanese Dating Simulation Game, but also that the game is selling like hot-cakes. Surprise struck again when they attempted to get money from the creators of Kissu x Kissu Box Seats!!! when they were shown a signed release from troupe member Matt Buchholtz.
According to the game developer, Buchholtz signed away the rights during an autograph session at Pacific Media Expo, during the hustle and bustle. “All I had to do was tell him I wanted the autograph on the line.” said game producer, Ichigo Uzimaki.
The game has been described as a “masterpiece of the genre” placing the protagonist in a new job at Box Seat’s production studios. By choosing different dialog options, fun romantic activities open up, including trips to the arcade, eating thai food, going to the mall, and more.
“In one of the dating scenarios with ‘Benimaru,’ he actually said something I said on a date last night,” said Lepley. “It kind of freaked me out.” Game developers swear that the responses are based off of a revolutionary dialog programming algorithm, and not from listening devices planted in the boys’ apartments.
Kissu x Kissu Box Seats!!! is Rated M for tentacle rape.
Am I a dream? aM i gonna write this for homwork? I hav to write for hoimwork and the teacher get tweo teachers.
LOK OUT BEHIND! FRANKENSTEIN!
Glad to save yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo from frankenstein. I gotta finnish this homowrk, Mrs. SNYDER was always HOTTTTTTTTTT Am i a bonerer? SOemtimes. Right now Im top of the classes/
Im Thristy, Mrs. Snyder. My boots make my feetssweat. I am writng this poemm for you:
I WRote it becas i Am in love on you Mrs. Snyder.
now the hoemwork
RObinson Ranch Elementary
He’s signalling “okay.”
MAGGIE (O.S.) Where’s Gabe?
The POV dips down – there’s somebody climbing below, in an orange rescue jacket.
FRANK (O.S.) Right where he’s supposed to be.
CLOSER ON THE CLIMBER
This is GABE WALKER (30s). In spite of the cold and the snow, he’s fearlessly, swiftly scaling the tower without safety lines, as if he’s done it a hundred times. That’s because he has done it a hundred times. This is what Gabe lives for.
ON THE LEDGE
Gabe, almost there, finds a fingertip-width handhold at arm’s length – grabbing it, he pulls himself up on the ledge with a move that’s just a little tougher than chinning yourself on a doorjamb. Winded, Gabe slumps down next to the couple, and tries to light a cigarette. The lighter only sparks.
HAL Excuse me – I know you’re my salvation, and all – do you think you could rescue us before your smoke break?
Hal pulls out a box of wooden matches and lights one Bogart style, one-handed with a thumbnail, cupping a hand to shield it against the wind. Gabe bends down for it – a familiar routine. We know in a glance they’ve been friends for years.
GABE Maybe you could tell me why I am rescuing you.
HAL Basically – I’ve fallen down, and I can’t get up…
GABE (into radio) Rescue One – have located helpless climber, please prepare idiot line for transport, over –
THE HELICOPTER dips down towards the ledge – no way can it land there. Frank lowers a rescue wire to GABE who precariously swings out from the ledge to grab it – the wire is just out of reach. Hal grabs the radio.
HAL Rescue One – please remind me to tell you about the time I hauled your hero here down Mt. Huntington on my back, over –
MAGGIE (O.S.) (through radio) Hal, if I hear that story one more time, I’m making you limp down the entire three thousand feet, over –
David Neale Concerned About Lack of Blogs About Him.
“Seriously, what the hell?” David Neale exclaimed, sitting at his computer tightly wrapped in his Champion brand boxer/briefs. “I’ve got funny things too. Like, you could do a story about me finding a date with Carmen Electra. I’m sure there’s something there.”
Mr. Neale has been a part of the Box Seats roster for 2 years and as the website has been launched, David has grown increasingly concerned with his lack of appearance in blogs and sketches.
“I’ve been in one sketch by them, and I was in it for one second. (A grieved sigh) They dressed me like some sort of circus elf and I shot Ben. I, personally, didn’t get it.” David has been overlooked and written off like this several times by the Box Seats members. In most recent reports, David was once locked in Matt’s car for 18 hours. Only finding escape when a couple of animal rights activists thought he was a greyhound. They too were disappointed in Mr. Neale. “The strangest thing was that Matt had been driving the car a bunch that whole 18 hours. I kept asking him to let me out. He wouldn’t give me water, but plenty of hot milk and brandy…”
David now is working on becoming a staple of the Box Seats blogs by writing the one you are reading right now and other upcoming ideas. “I have a bunch of great ideas. One where I find out I’m the most attractive man alive and women can’t stop having sex with me. There’s another where I wander into a Red Lobster, get a bunch of free lobster and then it makes it so women can’t stop having sex with me. Oh! And I’m working on one where I get kidnapped by all of the girls from Super Street Fighter IV and we all go into a bouncehouse where… ”
(Editor’s note: The reporter abruptly ended the interview at this point)
An Open Letter to the Man Who Thinks I Killed His Father
I believe you know what I mean when I say that we’ve both had a busy couple of weeks. Certain parties (you) have been setting up several ambushes for other certain parties (myself and whoever I’m with) in an attempt to fight me face to face and ultimately avenge your father’s murder.
Consider this a cease and desist notice.
At first, your appearances weren’t an issue. In fact, I found myself intrigued when I made eye contact with the same man in a feathered cap three times in the same weekend. I assumed you were going to the same New Year’s party. But the next morning was when I knew this was going to be an issue. Maybe it was what you said. But I don’t speak Italian. No, it must have been where it was said. About an inch away from my face; as I was waking up. My hasty exit didn’t allow us a proper introduction but you seemed pretty certain who I was the very next time I saw you. “David! Per mio padre!” as you chased me around the Shakey's Pizza Lunch Buffet, throwing pizza pans, singing Peri and Caccini, swinging on ceiling fans and ultimately stealing the heart of the girl I was with. She was my ride.
I don’t know how you keep finding pig sty’s to kick me into, face-first. But it stops now or face legal consequences.
I have never murdered anyone, nor have I ever tried to overthrow a dukedom. I did NOT stab your father in the brain, and I have NOT nor will I EVER lock someone’s son in a sarcophagus for ten years. I don’t know who did it to you but I’m sure you sustained some sort of mental trauma from lying down for so long. Maybe you should rest, put down your foil, maybe stop slicing your initials into my clothes. I get my stuff at Kohl’s. They have great deals but it can still get very pricey.
Sorry your dad’s dead. I’m sure that’s a perfectly good reason for someone to lash out. But let’s look at the logistics. I am a 23 year old, one hundred and sixty pound, product of the facebook generation. You wear pressed velvet overcoats and wax your mustache. I feel like we don’t run in the same circles.
Lepley, who was awarded with a glittering tiara (valued at over 98 cents [Kantor’s]) was speechless upon receiving the title at Kodak Theatre last night. He simply offered a wave to the audience gathered through muffled sobs of excitement, and then shyly ran offstage.
“I though I had it for sure,” said third runner-up, Matt Buchholtz, “But I guess he was just faster and stronger."
Lepley was a strong competitor throughout the night, winning several portions of the event including the Featheriest Hair and the coveted Most Vampiric. "Don’t you ever cut that hair,” shouted judge Cooper Hopkins. Lepley's only hiccups on his rise to fame seemed not to be his fault. "I had instructed him to try playing Burger Time as his talent,“ said Lepley’s coachAaron Chrenen. "How was I supposed to know he couldn’t get past the second level?”
The night wrapped up with webmaster Justin Brannock winning runner-up and with David Nealerounding out the top three as second runner-up.
Despite winning multiple “pretty” contests, BOXSEATS.tv member, the luxuriousness of Ben Lepley’s dark locks was questioned today on fashion/style site, youtube.com. The enigmatic style-trend consultant, xXxMitCosXxX posted the controversial post, “L’s hair suck here. :/”
Sources close to Lepley have let us know that while he is saddened by the post, he respects the input. “He was wearing a hat, and crying into a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red”, said vegan, David Neale. “But he was watching Cowboy Bebop, so I think that he’s looking towards the future." Neale, of course referring to the troupe’s plan to make a parody trailer for a live-action Bebop movie this summer. With Lepley so hair-conscious, though, we’ll have to wonder if Lepley will choose to appear onscreen.
xXxMitCosXxX has yet to add further comment on the costuming/makeup of Death-A-Sketch, but everyone at BOXSEATS.tv is anxious to hear. "xXx has liked a lot of videos about hair and design, we just hope that we haven’t lost them completely at this point.”