bottle-that-shit-and-sell-it

A poorly brewed chicken

Second time DMing ever and sending the players through a dreamscape dungeon crawl. Theyve entered a marketplace where not only are all the villagers chickens, all the products they are selling are also chickens.

Me: You give the salesman chicken 3 gold in exchange for a chicken. (Necromancer) your familiar tells you that while this is definitely a chicken it also senses it to be some sort of bottle.

Necromancer: I rip the head off the chicken

Me: I- you… um *laughing uncontrollably* Okay?

(The paladin and ranger are horrified)

Necromancer: I drink the blood of the chicken.

Me: Ranger and paladin stare at you in horror as you drink the chicken. You are covered in blood. You begin to trip balls. This was a poorly brewed chicken.

10 things everyone experiences in college

1. Waking up to a bucket of glo worms chanting your name every Tuesday
2. Leaving your wife and kids to fulfill your dreams of becoming a door to door salesman selling a half empty bottle of ranch
3. Professor KnowsStuff always talking about knowing stuff. Then to make you know stuff they shove the tube of knowledge up your nose.
4. The tradition of filling your pockets with miniature camels and sprinting to all of your classes so people stop stealing your camels. It’s advised that you wear ear plugs because the screeching of “GIVE US THE CAMELS” from your fellow classmates has been known to cause irreversible ear damage.
5. Ripping out your teeth to appease the mysterious hooded figure lurking in the shadows.
6. Iron
7. Finding a severed head in your cup of ramen noodles
8. Eating your way out of class
9. Hoarding thousands of realistic statues of dogs so that everyday for the next few years you can smash one with a hammer while rolling around in its remains as a remix of cats meowing in the tune of happy birthday plays in the background.
10. Not being able to function without your morning cup of coffee.

“The chemistry between Chyler and Floriana, if you could bottle and sell that, you could rule the world.”

PREACH IT \o/

“They so deserve to be together, but like any great couple, they had to get past their own stuff to finally get there.”

THEY DESERVE TO BE TOGETHER!!! YES THEY DO!!!

“Everyone who works on this show loves Alex Danvers and wants good things for her and Maggie, so we decided to go for it.”

FUCK YES THEY WANT GOOD THINGS FOR ALEX AND MAGGIE

GOOD SHIT THIS IS GOOD SHIT A+ YEP GOOD KEEP IT GOING SHOW

Link to article (x)

If you wanna get an idea how chill/boring I was as a teenager, my mom once called and asked me to go to the supermarket and get her a fancy bottle of whiskey for a coworker party since she wasn’t going to have time to go herself and I said sure, hanged up and then when I was at the door I stopped and realised I was 16 and had to call her and explain I was still a minor and they prolly wouldn’t sell it to me and she went ‘oh shit, you are right! Don’t tell people about this…’

I Need U (J-hope AU, angst)

Originally posted by mysugalump

Words: 1240

“Hoseok…” You trailed off, placing the little bottle of half empty pills on the table in front of him. Already, when you thought he was clean, Hoseok always surprised you. He didn’t answer, so you picked up the bottle of pills and chucked it at him. The half unscrewed lid opened and all of his pills spewed all over the floor.

“What the fuck?” He muttered, getting out of his chair and picking up the pills delicately one by one.

“Who sells you this shit?” You wondered, stepping on the little white pills as fast as you could. Hoseok shoved your knee away, shouting curse words. When he stood up, you attempted to take the little orange bottle from him, but he held a hand firmly on your shoulder.

“(Y/N), stop!”

You hadn’t even realized you were crying until Hoseok came closer to you and placed a hand on your damp cheek.

“Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t-”

“Okay, okay. I’m not touching you.”

You kept pressing. “Stop buying those, you don’t need them. Hoseok, please get help.”

“I don’t need help.”

“Please, please…” you choked, covering your mouth to suppress your sobs. “I’m trying to help you, but you won’t stop!”

“Oh my g- look, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“You’re going to overdose! I don’t want to come home one day to you dead on the floor. I’m so scared, Hoseok. I don’t want to lose you.”

He scoffed loudly, placing his bottle on the table. Hoseok took a seat again, balling his hands into fists.

“I’ll stop, I promise I’ll stop.”

“You always say that. I want you to get help!”

His fists slammed down on the table, causing you to flinch and step back. Hoseok stood up, knocking the chair back.

“You tell me to stop, but won’t even believe me when I say I will! How do you know those pills weren’t old that I haven’t used for years? Where did you find these, huh? Huh?”

“Of course I don’t believe you! You lied three times now about stopping, how do you think I’ll believe you after this unless you really get fucking help?”

“Where did you find these?” He shouted, getting closer to your face with a mean expression.

“You,” you started quietly, looking down at your feet. Hoseok shouting was the worst thing that could happen, you thought to yourself. “You came home late last night, and you were drunk and I knew you were high… When you went to work today I looked through your dresser.”

“You went thought my stuff?”

“What else do you expect me to do? You don’t tell me anything, Hoseok. For the past year, I’ve been waiting for you to ask me for help. For the past year, I’ve been waiting for you to fucking admit you were addicted to those pills!”

He shoved you against the wall, his fist hitting the wall near your head. It made a loud smashing noise, and you knew it broke even thought you didn’t see it. You screamed loudly, shoving his chest as hard as you could. It was no use, Hoseok was  still so much stronger than you.

“Stop it, stop! Hoseok, please!”

He did. He moved away from your entire body, going back to the table to snatch up the pills before going to the sink in the kitchen and pouring them down it. Hoseok turned on the garburator, and the sound of shredding pills filled both of your ears.

For a moment, both of you stood silently in the kitchen, before Hoseok turned around and dropped the empty bottle at your feet.

“Satisfied? Do you believe me now?”

You still didn’t know. It would’ve been better if you’d just believed him, but you didn’t know at all. How could you not trust your own boyfriend of 4 years? Instead, you went over to Hoseok and wrapped your arms around his waist. Tears still fell heavily from your eyes, but you ignored it. Hoseok stood frozen in the middle of the kitchen as you hugged him, until he finally warmed up to it and wrapped his arms around you. He held your head tightly against his shoulder. 

You noticed he was shaking. He was crying, just like you. Hoseok’s fingers tangled in your hair, the other holding your shoulder against him.

“Hoseok,” you murmured. “I love you.”

You’d fallen asleep on the sofa with Hoseok. 

The sound of a door slamming shook you awake, and you noticed Hoseok was no where in sight. Anxiety mixed with confusion filled you. Where was he? Instead of thinking normal things, all you feared was he was somewhere doing something wrong.

You got up quietly and crept towards the bathroom. The door was closed, and it didn’t look like there was a light on. The carpet underneath the door was soaked. A stab of fear engulfed you, wondering if Hoseok was on the other side of it.

Gaining as much bravery as you could, you turned the door knob. The door was unlocked, but when you opened the door the sight before you made you fill with more fear.

On the floor, a different array of tablets lay. Differently colored prescription bottles were on the floor, with them. The sink was overflowing with water, and pills were floating in them. Other than that, the entire bathroom was empty. Panicking, you threw open the mirrored cabinet. There was nothing, really. A tube of tooth paste, both of your tooth brushes and a bottle of hand lotion. You quickly turned off the running faucet and pulled the plug.

You were crying again. Scrambling out of the bathroom, you went right to the coffee table in the living room. You fumbled with your phone, dropping it at least twice before finally unlocking it and trying to call Hoseok’s phone.

There was a loud noise from your bedroom, and you cried out in fear. Trembling, you pulled the phone away from you and dropped it on the floor. You went to the bedroom you shared with Hoseok, and flicked on the light.

He wasn’t there.

His phone rang twice more before the screen turned black again, and you felt yourself stumbling back into the living room crying “please no, please no, please, please…” over and over.

Picking up your phone, you texted the first person you thought of.

The waiting was agonizing. It was past 5:30 by now and you didn’t know how many time’s you’d called Taehyung. He never answered his phone once, and you couldn’t stop from crying. With burning eyes, you threw your phone across the room and screamed at the top of your lungs.

Your phone rang.

Hurrying over, you answered it within the second ring without even checking the caller ID.

“Hello, Taehyung? Where’s Hoseok, is he with you?”

“(Y/N)…” Taehyung trailed off, causing you to burst into tears again.

“Where’s Hoseok?” You whispered. He didn’t answer.

“Where’s Hoseok?” You screamed again, collapsing on the floor.

“He’s here, I found him…”

You didn’t feel relief. Not at all.

“Where are you? I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

“(Y/N), Hoseok had an overdose. I’m at the hospital right now. He’s…he’s dead.”

You barely heard what Taehyung said. Dropping your phone again, you went straight to the door. Hoseok wasn’t dead. He wasn’t. He couldn’t be dead. How could you let him die so easily? 

He didn't technically lie

Long story short, our town was besieged by some sort of shadow demon invasion that we managed to drive off. The next day, while looking through the destroyed market, my rogue friend and I spot a cart that is inexplicably fine. The vendor sells only silk and fragrances, and our rogue, under the suspicion that these items may have warded off the demons, succesfully steals 5 bottles and pays for another. Upon returning to the palace…

Rogue: *handing entire bottle to warlock* Here you are, my friend. I believe these fragrances may ward off demons.

Warlock: How many of these did you get?

Rogue: Well I bought one.

Warlock: …then you should keep it for yourself if you only purchased one.

Rogue: Okay. *pockets that bottle and hands over a different one*

Warlock: *facepalms* Oh God damn it.

Send me a Swan Song
  • Undead: I want to fight you
  • Sell Your Soul: You seem sad
  • Everywhere I Go: You need to chill
  • No Other Place: I want to hang out with you
  • No.5: I want to dance with you
  • Young: I feel like we are one
  • Black Dahlia: I want to date you
  • This Love, This Hate: I don't ever want to lose you
  • Bottle And A Gun: I think you are freaky
  • California: I love you
  • City: I want to fuck shit up with you
  • The Diary: I would stay up and walk with you all night
  • Pimpin': I want to be best friends
  • Paradise Lost: You make me cry
The signs as wine mom quotes
  • Aries: "I so need a glass of wine or I'm going to sell my kids."
  • Taurus: "The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink."
  • Gemini: "If they had 'Box Tops for Education' on wine labels, my kids' school would be rich!"
  • Cancer: "A mother's sacrifice isn't giving birth. It's nine months without wine."
  • Leo: "If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton. This way, my friends will know I'm missing."
  • Virgo: "Boxed wine is just a juice box for mom"
  • Libra: "We should open a store called 'Forever 39.' We would sell wine and yoga pants."
  • Scorpio: "Once upon a time some kids did as they were told and their mommy didn't have to lose her shit and drink wine out the box before noon"
  • Sagittarius: "The best part of being a new mom is the lower tolerance from not drinking for nine months."
  • Capricorn: "Don't forget to pick up a bottle of wine for your mom on mother's day. After all, you are one of the reasons she drinks."
  • Aquarius: "I've learned to use meditation to relieve my stress-just kidding, I'm on my third glass of wine."
  • Pisces: "I stay up late drinking wine every night. And wake up in the morning realizing it wasn't a good idea. I'll probably be drinking wine again tonight.

Well I guess alot of you guys weren’t here last time I mentioned this.

I make an’ sell booze from my vineyard and shop, both of them were past down to me from my dad.

Not just wine either alllll kinds a’ booze! Even a reasonable selection of non-alcoholic shit for the lightweights!

((Yes Berry does sell and make her own drinks and I have actually drawn her shop before. I redesigned the shop quite a bit since I last drew it, as this time I used references of old style shops.

Also this is a small detail, but what do you think of the new style for the underside of her hoof? I would love to know ^^))

supply list for the blizzard:
bottle of whiskey
4 large bags of bbq chips
few galons  of water
8th of some dour
2 packs of chips ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies
sour patch kids candy
sour straws both green and red
block of chocolate they sell at the grocery store
bacon (not that turkey shit though)
couple whole chickens cause im finna cook