I think I have spent much too much time thinking of what I want to say, so much that many thoughts have passed and many words have been lost. Nonetheless, I’m sure I will find them somewhere along the way. Just like somewhere along the way, I met you. With earphones in and music blasting, I am unsure of how to even express myself once again. My thoughts are that somehow the words will just spill, that the barriers between my mind and my mouth will break and I will be able to tell you even a fraction of what I want to. But even that is not enough to satisfy me, because there are so many words that get caught at the back of my throat that never seem to make it out. Why am I this way?
I don’t think I’ll be able to display those emotions as beautiful as you possibly can, perhaps this letter will just like some childish scrawl next to yours—how do you write so eloquently? Do you know you’re so very admirable at this; would you give me lessons in such expression? Maybe I’d be a little closer in being as amazing and talented you are. I’m a little jealous of your talent, admittedly.
So, hm. My road map of thoughts in unreadable, I’m trying to gather my thoughts at the moment and the words that I’m typing are the exact thoughts that I’m having. Well—many more are running through my head, all these emotions that I have not even the slightest idea on how to show, nonetheless type. I think there are tears welling up at the brim of eyes, it’s not a lie. I’m biting back tears right now. No, they’re nothing sad. They’re nothing gloomy or dark; they’re so completely thankful and joyful. I think I can be a crybaby, y’know. You should definitely know, I have so much weak moments, how did you even see me through that? That alone has made me… has made me so eternally grateful towards you. So much people have just come into my life that I have latched onto, only to find out that I was only trying to be shaken off. I lost trust within humanity for so long, I was lonely for so long.
Do you know?
That time when you met me, I was in perhaps the darkest time of my life. It was the highest point of a depression which I had fought. I think the moment you arrived then I should have known that you were some sort of special, someone who I would long to keep around for as long as humanly possible. Do you know the day that we met? Recently I took a look back to find out when, because it feels as if I’ve known you for an entire eternity and then some. But that’s actually not the reality of the case. The light of the matter is that we haven’t even known each other for a year.
December 10th, 2013.
Apparently it’s only been 242 days, why does it feel so much longer? It only makes me believe more that the matter of time you’ve know someone can become practically irrelevant. Within those two-hundred and some days—we’ve been through hell and back together. I wouldn’t say we have had a perfect relationship, that’s sugar coating it. Instead I think we needed those moments, those moments to become completely honest with each other and to become closer. Yes, we are. We are close. I told you, you are one of the closest to me. One of my most favorite people and that is something that cannot be easily broken or altered.
I remember I thought of you so warmly even back then. So warmly that I recall when I had sent you a flurry of kakao messages and I was tucked somewhere in a corner, crying my poor little eyes out. Back then, it was so very difficult for me to express anything—sadness—anger—happiness, I knew none of it. It had become a little roadblock of communication between us, hm? I was so angered at myself back then, once again—there were words and explanations and stories which had become trapped at the back of my throat. Thoughts that had crossed my mind back then were just to say it, just to tell you. Yet, I still couldn’t—I was a coward of how I felt and I was scared that the reasons I was upset would just be some type of damn stupidity. I was scared that you would just leave me because I was some type of fucking idiotic girl.
But that was never the case. That was never the case at all. Instead you were constantly there, constantly by my side reassuring that I wasn’t alone. Not once did you degrade my emotions, not once have you made what I felt feel so worthless. No, you were warm. You are warm. You are that familiarity of safety to me, you are refuge. A thousand ‘thank you’s should be inserted here, yet that would be a little too much, so instead I hope you can feel my gratitude towards you.
I am comfortable in my own skin around you. Whenever we talk I don’t feel as if I have to watch my words or hold anything back. Instead the air around you is free, it is light. Unlike some who remain around me and the air is thick, heavy, and tense. Jongin, I think the words I want to say is that you a breath of fresh air. Some type of lightness fills my lungs whenever I’m around you. You gift me with some type of peace—even when you’re cocky as hell and I’m ready to smack you upside the head. Coughs.
You are a breath of fresh air. With all the toxicity in my life, you are one of the purest souls I have met. You may not believe those words of mine, you probably won’t believe the words that I write of you. I can force you to, but I hope you will. Because god damn—Kim Jongin you are so fucking amazing and I refuse to understand how anyone in this whole universe could dispute that. How much times have you made me smile? How much times have you made me laugh? How much times have you made the pain bearable? You don’t even have to say anything, your presence is enough.
The fact that you are here next to me is more that I could ever ask for.
Wow, jesus—the tears have started. You are one of the reminders in my life that there are good people on this earth. You give me hope in this twisted world. God, how did I even manage to get so blessed with someone as lovely as you are? You know how my favorite thing is to be called lovely, right? Lovely is also a word I only say when I absolutely mean it, it’s my favorite word—and Jongin—you are so fucking lovely. Every inch of you is lovely.
I am so unbearably protective over you. You are one of my soft spots; you are one of the only ones who can melt the ice within me. Seeing you hurt, seeing you in any type of pain launches some type of reaction with me— I just want to shield you from all these assholes, all these blind ass motherfuckers who can’t see your value. You are priceless, you are precious—more so than any diamond on this planet. This is completely emotional and cheesy, but I have to let you know. I want to have everything conveyed; I want you to hear it. Why is it that the best people are the ones who get stepped on, taking advantage of, and degraded? All those who have hurt you, all those who you have surrendered you precious tears to—I want to keep you away from them. Those types of people don’t deserve anyone as loving, as giving, or as warm as you. No, they don’t. All you deserve is happiness; all you deserve is the good things that life has to offer. Not any stupid bullshit or pain. I’m constantly repeating the words why in my head when I think of everything you have been through—literally—what the fuck? Maybe this is just all my affections showing, but this only the truth. What is it you have done to even deserve such things—such pain?
Oh yes, this world get so hard to bear—it gets so hard to stay warm when everything, everyone, can turn you so cold. I don’t want to see you shiver; I don’t want that very same coldness to numb you. Do you even have the slightest clue of how much you matter? Your feelings matter, you matter. I don’t know how much times I could repeat how important you are. But you are so goddamn important. Kim Jongin—you are important to me. You are so very important to me—I can never speak for anyone else but I can speak for myself. I know I’m so terribly bad at showing it, but never forget that. Never doubt it. I treasure you.
This is so goddamn lengthy, and this is where I must try to stop. TRY. I still feel as if there are so many words choking themselves back—but I hope there is some type of happiness you find in this. I hope you keep this forever. Unfortunately, this world is not infinite. There are truly no forevers in this universe, but maybe we can accomplish something close to it. Promising you forever isn’t possible, but I can promise you that I will be here by your side through thick and thin. I know I’m not the best person who could be in your life; I’m not the best at comforting people. But that doesn’t stop me from trying—especially when it comes to you. I hope I can be some type of warmth, some type of light through the storm. I am selfish, and that is why I am so very protective over anyone who approaches you. Not many people deserve someone like you, I don’t think I do either—but like I said, I am selfish. I want you by my side for as close to a forever as possible.
So, Jongin—most precious Jongin—I still don’t feel as if I have sad everything that I wanted to but—once again, I’ll end this letter as I did before. Because I mean it with every inch with me—wholly and relentlessly:
I love you.