borderline personality problems

The hardest part for me about having BPD is the fact that it’s chronic. No matter how much I do to get better and ~recover~, I will always be seen as defective and I don’t know if I want to live a life where this suffering never leaves.
It terrifies me that my brain is wired to react like this, that it could affect my possible marriage; future children’s lives, and a long term career. So when I say I want to kill myself, I am doing it for everyone’s sake- the least selfish thing I can do.

  • me:i feel shitty about things i did way back that i feel like were manipulative and i hate myself.
  • person:omg no that's not manipulative!! i'm here for you uwu
  • me:displays any minor symptom
  • person (a week later):❗omg that was manipulative!❗❗ i should have never trusted you!❗ i call bullshit❗❗❗❗
top things ive learnt while dealing with bpd

- my fp is literally the only person who matters to me. i need their validation and constant attention. without that im an anxious wreck

- im a fucking c o n t r a d i c t i o n

- my mood swings are so intense that even i cant tell what my mood is half the time

- i need validation

- i am feeling this way, but no i am literally not able to explain it whatsoever

- stability? no fuck that, there is no such thing

- give me attention

- i need help but i literally cant explain to you how to help me

- who am i??????

Tips on dating a Borderline #1

You must be either a super-sleuth or a mind-reader when it comes to figuring out what’s wrong when we are upset. Or angry. Or whatever. Because sometimes we don’t even know. And other times we know all too well but we’re not letting on without a fight.

There can be many reasons for this. Sometimes it’s that we don’t think you’re really interested. So when we say “it’s nothing, don’t worry about it” what we’re often thinking is “well, if they really wanna know, they’ll dig a little.” When you don’t dig a little, we assume you don’t care. And our inner dialogue will continue along the lines of “oh my god, they actually don’t care, they hate you, what did we do to deserve this??” And will promptly move on to listing all the ways in which we are a shitty person to be around.

Other times it’s because you have wounded us deeply. Often with something quite minor that wasn’t at all intended to upset us. But it has. And now we want you to figure it out. Of course, it would be much easier for us to simply tell you what you’ve done wrong, but we can’t. For many reasons. Mostly because we’ve been told for much of our lives that we’re making “a big old fuss over nothing” or “a mountain out of a molehill”, been accused of “exaggerating” “flying off the handle” “going psycho” “being a bunny boiler”…. I could go on but the memories are already making me want to kill myself. And I’m not even joking.

Also, sometimes, because we’re afraid things will become confrontational and we won’t be able to control our shit. Other times, it’s because we just can’t be bothered, we’re tired of moaning about the same old shit and you clearly don’t care anyway so whatever. If this is the case, and you are indeed the source of our displeasure, our inner monologue will quite possibly take a swift turn and begin to list all the ways in which you have let us down, hurt us, proven to be untrustworthy….. you get the picture. It’s called splitting. It’s not really much fun for anyone involved. It’s especially not fun for us.

Asking us questions about what we’re feeling and the things that may possibly have caused us to feel that way not only makes us feel like you actually give a shit and want to help, it also helps us gain a little more clarity in the dark and sloppy quagmire that is our feelings.

It’s annoying, I know, when you wanna help but the other person just keeps telling you “I’m fine, I’ll get over it”. It’s frustrating and it often makes you wonder why you’re bothering at all. I know because I’ve been there. And I didn’t always get it right either. But if you want to make them feel like they’re not alone, that you care and that you wanna help make things better, you have to show it. Consistently.

And if you can’t do that, that’s cool. It’s hard work, and I doubt any borderline would blame you for not bothering. But I can’t imagine there’s many of us that can control the ensuing shitstorm if you don’t. So, basically, you make your bed, you have to lie in it. Same as we have to lie in ours. It may sound harsh, and it’s really not intended to be. It just is what it is. And you’ll always have the comfort of knowing that you at least won’t get labelled a psycho for the way you make yours.

I’m gonna go back to wallowing in my own shitstorm now. Stay tuned for more massively enlightening posts on how fucking hard it is to deal with other people when you have BPD. Yay.