Send in one of the following quotes from HUA to get my muse’s reaction!
There! I took the fucking shot! She’s dead! There’s blood everywhere!
Okay, Christ, fine, I’ll help you. But only ‘cause you’ve got nice tits.
Hey, (name)! (name)! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there’s like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like House of the Dead, only like, 100 times more awesome!
Oh, fuck the hell yes.
Oh, if it isn’t the Catholic Church! And what’s this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
You done goofed.
…you Protestant fuck-bucket.
I’m a fuckmothering vampire!
You are reading your master’s mind! Put my head between your booooooooobs!
Oh, I’m sorry, I like to dirty talk when someone’s sucking my dick.
It’s just that I’m so agitated, because this blond little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I’m his alcoholic father.
Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin’ for everybody!
I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this.
BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
Oh fuck, that’s an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT’S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!
What are you gonna do? Call that one guy who can stop me? What was his name…Michael McDoesn'tExist?
Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons.
What’s wrong, demigod? Just grow back your legs! Summon up your demons! Hit me! Fight me! Give me a hug!
You know, they say TV makes you violent. But I’d say not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!
Shut up and take my money!
Master! My breasts keep getting bigger!
Jesus wants a hug!
Right this way, Group B! That’s right, right in front of everybody else; you’re eighty, you’re used to it! We’re going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I’m Cockney, I’m uncultured!
That’s right. I’m going to FUCK the fear turkey!
HEY DANDY DICK! You missed.
The fuck is this? The fuck is that?! The fuck are THOSE?!
I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS, AND TIGHT SPACES!
You cheeky dick-waffle!
Zis is my favorite kind of ship — laden with blood und seamen.
Chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!
Ah. The return of the “why” boner. With a vengeance.
By Jove, you fuckin’ header of a woman! You’re surrounded by fifty Nazi vampires, armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do?! You get out of your fuckin’ car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads, and yell “Come at me, you Kraut shits!” NO WONDER (name) wants to plow that virgin soil! I’M THINKING ABOUT GROWIN’ SOME FLOWERS MYSELF!
(thing) for days.
We were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead, we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.
Hey, if we’re killing Nazis, we’ll worship a side of bacon!
The reader and reid, every time they are returning from a case, they cuddle on the sofa of the jet. They can be together but they never said it officially to everyone but every body knows that they are together, but derek always teases them.
I can do this one! Here is your fluffly one-shot, comin’ ‘atcha!
Watching as your chest rises and falls, Morgan elbows Rossi as he nods his head over to the two of you.
“You think they’ll ever tell us?” he asks.
“They just think they’re sneaky,” Rossi smirks, wiggling his eyebrows as his gaze lobs over to Hotch, his mind engrossed in a file on his lap.
“Hey, Hotch. You think the lovebirds’ll ever admit it out loud to us?” Rossi asks.
“They think they’re sneaky,” was his only reply.
The team was right. They knew exactly what had been brewing between the two of you over the course of the last month. It was relatively shocking, seeing as everything people thought Spencer enjoyed in a companion you didn’t possess. You were loud, brazen, crass, of average intelligence, and relied more on your looks to get you things than your ability to accrue them yourself through natural, or normal, means. You had no issues pushing up your cleavage and shaking your hips a little if it meant a free drink from a poor boy who thought he would be lucky enough to take you home, and you were never shy on your sexual escapades.
The girls called you a “modern day woman for Morgan.”
So when you and Spencer began fostering a relationship, from hanging out after work to binge-watching television shows, everyone started to pay more attention to the two of you.
Soon, Rossi caught Spencer’s longing glances and Morgan caught you biting your lips whenever Spencer walked away from you, and it didn’t take a profiler to put two and two together.
But it wasn’t until the two of you began falling asleep on each other’s shoulders on the plane that they started to suspect something had already taken place between you two.
“You think she’s devoured him yet?” Morgan asks, leaning over to J.J. as she swats at him and laughs.
“Depends on your definition of ‘devoured’,” Garica pipes up, her voice coming over the little screen on Morgan’s phone as Rossi’s eyebrows hike up on his face.
“Whadda you know that we don’t?” Rossi asks.
“Guys…” Hotch warns.
“All I know is that HR has official ‘change of relationship’ paperwork with their names on it in the system,” she squeals, clapping her hands.
“And how to you know that, Garcia?” Hotch bites.
“Uh oh. Bossman can hear me?” she whispers.
“Yes I can, Garcia,” he lulls.
Groaning as you shift on the couch, the team shuts their mouths as their attention whips to the two of you, your body shifting as you gather your feet up to your stomach, nuzzling your head into the crook of Spencer’s neck as his arm slips lazily around your shoulders, his tongue darting out to lick his lips as his wrist begins to droop.
“Oh, no!” J.J. squeals to herself, throwing her hand to her mouth as Spencer’s large hand lands softly onto your boob.
As Rossi’s eyes widen, Morgan’s jaw drops to the floor as he fumbles with his phone in his hand, muting Garcia’s voice as he turns the camera so that she can get a glimpse of what is happening.
As she continues to throw her muted fit on screen, Hotch careens his neck around the corner, a smirk crossing his face as his eyes land upon the scene in front of him.
“Whoops,” he murmurs, shaking his head as he takes in a deep breath through his nose.
Clearing his throat loudly, you groan again, shifting so that your back is settled into the crook of Spencer’s body, his eyes slowly lobbing themselves open as he takes in the staring team in front of him.
“We landed?” he croaks, shifting around as you slowly open your eyes.
“Did you say we’re home?” you lull.
And then, you look down to your chest…and you see Spencer’s hand…
…on your boob…
“Oh, my god!” you yelp, grabbing his hand and tossing it around your shoulders as your face begins to flush, the redness trickling down your neck and heating up your exposed sternum as Spencer’s eyes widen, his jaw dropping as he clutches his hands in between his legs.
“Oh, my god,” he whispers, his cheeks flushing deep as the team begins to roar with laughter.
“Got ‘em!” Rossi yelps.
“Oh, noooooo!” J.J. roars, wiping the tears away as she holds her stomach.
“You guys are too cute!” Garcia yelps from Derek’s phone screen.
“Leave the inappropriate conduct for home, you two,” Hotch jousts, your eyes widening at him participating in this barbaric activity as you feel yourself getting angry.
“It’s alright,” Spencer says, taking your balled up fists as he settles them within the palms of his gigantic hands, “they’re just teasing.”
“Well it’s not funny,” you bite.
“It…kind of is…” Spencer says, trying to stifle a smile as you shoot him a nasty look.
“Well, hopefully that feel’ll last you a while,” you say, ripping your hands from him and crossing them around your chest.
And as silence falls upon the plane, everyone eyeing you as they await Spencer’s counter, Derek’s battle cry pierces the tension as the plane begins to descend.
Even you couldn’t contain your laughter in that particular moment.
“You guys are dicks. All of you…massive dicks!” you yelp in between your giggles.
And as you begin to wipe the tears from your eyes, you feel a hand cup your knee, massaging your leg lightly as your gaze pans over to a still-slightly worried Spencer.
“Are you alright?” he asks.
“I’m embarrassed…” you admit, “…but I’ll be fine.”
“Good,” he smiles, leaning in and kissing your temple, “because I’m feeling a nice, long bath when we get home.”
“Mmmmm, that sounds fantastic,” you murmur lowly, your eyes fluttering up to his as a sultry grin creeps across your cheeks.
Watching him lean in as he kisses the tip of your nose, you feel his arm slip around your waist as he pulls you close, the plane jerking and bobbing on the tarmac before slowing itself down as the excitement of what’s to come bubbles in your core, shaking your hands with a fury.
“Here,” Spencer says as he eyes your shaking hands, kissing your ear lightly, “let’s get you home.”
And as the two of you descend slowly down the steep plane steps, your legs scurrying you quickly to your car as you feel your breathing pick up, you feel Spencer slip his arm around your shoulder before noticing his mistake.
“Oh, no,” he groans, looking over at you as you both sigh heavily.
“BOOOOOOOOOB!” Derek roars, cupping his hands over his mouth as the two of you begin to shake your heads.
“He’s gonna do that every time you put your arm around me, isn’t he?” you ask.
“Yep,” Spencer confirms, popping the “p”.
“Thought so,” you lull as the two of you continue towards your car, the laughter of your colleagues receding in the background.
“Payback?” you ask as Spencer opens your car door, your body sliding behind the wheel of the car as he smiles devilishly at you.