books and lit

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.
—  Emery Allen
Isn’t it crazy that even the smallest things could remind you of something or someone. You feel both a mixture of joy and pain, people and things may be temporary but the memories remain.
—  Tenari Ioapo
Darling,
just because
you’re used to
being sad,
that doesn’t mean
that you’re never
going to search for things
that’ll make you
truly happy.
—  ma.c.a // You Deserve To Be Happy
Once you find your soulmate you realise how beautiful life can be when you have the right person by your side.
—  Tenari Ioapo
When one door closes
Open it again.
It’s a door.
That’s how they work.
I thought you planted harmless flowers around my heart, until I realized it has thorns – hideous and painful. You left a mark in my body, it was deadly. You left a hole in my heart, it was lethal. It felt like dying was the only way to fill it. Life without you is like the waves leaving the shore. Like a broken cassette tape. Loving you drained me in all aspect, because loving you is like inhaling a smoke until I can no longer catch air. I loved you. You felt the same way. Though not how much as I did, because you only see my broken pieces when I see you as a salient crystal.
—  2/26/17; zeus

i. i realized it wasn’t just another “bad day” when you screamed at a stranger and looked at me with tears rolling down your cheeks begging for something to give. “mom have you taken your medicine, did you take too much again?” “just enough,” she whispered.

ii. maybe i should’ve caught on when i walked in on you changing and saw all those cuts, god they covered every hidden inch of you. i was 15 and i didn’t understand that the demons you were fighting worked doubles.

iii. i was an idiot to not figure out that it wasn’t anything medicine could fix. you’re always so tired and your eyes are lifeless and bloodshot. you don’t sleep, i hear you pacing back and forth every night. i’ve been my own mom lately, i push myself and work hard but honestly i forget to eat and i get tired too, i give up on people because i watch you give up on yourself a little more each day. it’s not even fair of me to ask you to keep fighting because i know you don’t have the energy.

iv. i can’t ask you to love me because you don’t know how, i can’t ask you to come back because you’re still here- it’s just your heart that abandoned me.

v. you needed help but your reputation couldn’t handle the attention you’d get from leaving us for awhile so we watch you suffer but mom, i’m sick of you missing christmas and birthdays because they’re not the same without you being criss crossed on the couch next to me with a mimosa in one hand and a smile in the other.

vi. maybe, just maybe i should’ve realized that you were gone a long time ago. i’m so stupid, i should’ve gotten the memo when the pills got more excessive and the bottles started piling up. i should’ve manned up when you stopped chasing your liquor and stopped going to sleep but mom i was scared of what i already knew.

vii. i was scared to lose you so i watched from a distance and now you’re gone and i miss you and i hear you pouring up another one as we speak and i don’t even know if i should stop you or pour one too.

viii. i’m sorry that i didn’t realize you were sick and needed help but most of all, i’m sorry you were obligated to fight this fight alone because i hid from the truth. mom, i’m sorry that 18 years have gone by and i thought you were “just this way.” i’m sorry i blamed you for being ill. i will always be your little girl but mom i’m just tired of looking in empty eyes searching for someone who isn’t there.

// 2:44

—  via @lorenashleigh

“There’s always going to be something magical about late night drives. Staring out my window, watching everything pass by in a cinematic way. I’d maybe think of you. I’d think of songs that I imagine playing in the background as we drive; like music in a credit role to conclude whatever our adventure was that day. I imagine us sitting in the front seat of your car laughing over something totally irrelevant. We’d lose our way, miss exits and get stuck in more and more highway traffic, but we’d still be laughing. We’d escape the traffic and flashes of blues and reds would all start to flicker over the edges of your face. It would be cold. You’d be holding my hand. No way to go and nothing planned; just a magical late night drive…”