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You Make That Choice

So this person kept talking about “zoodles” and I was like, what the hell is this? I learned that “zoodles” were zucchini noodles and that you could make “noodles” out of many fruits and vegetables. Are beet noodles BOODLES? LOL!

I hate zucchini but I was urged to give it a try. I bought a “spiralizer,” a kitchen device that will make fake fruit and vegetable noodles. It is a medieval looking contraption I left in its box for about a month and a half. Today, I was urged to try these mysterious “zoodles” once more and I could put it off no longer. I had zucchini, having acquired the dreaded vegetable days earlier and procrastinated the consumption thereof. I could procrastinate no longer. 

Anyway, zucchini makes me laugh because it is pretty phallic. See also: cucumbers and certain carrots. I spent a lot of time looking at the zucchini and fondling them and being desperately immature. Then, as the instruction manual instructed I PREPARED the zucchini by chopping off the ends. Heh. CHOP CHOP CHOP!

I went to a psychic recently. I didn’t think it was my thing but anyway, for reasons, there I was in this new age shop that was so new age and everyone was friendly and had flowing hair and flowing skirts and peasant shirts and they were maybe braless and smiling all the time, and it was confusing. Is this heaven, I wondered. 

When I saw the psychic, she asked, “What questions do you have for me?” At this point in my life, I only have one question. I mean, I have many questions but there is only one I want answered. The rest of my questions will answer themselves in time and those questions aren’t precarious or tender. 

 The psychic encounter was fascinating, affirming. She told me to basically stay the course I am on, which I was already going to do, but she had lots of smart, wise advice and showed me some things I do that I should stop doing because they are futile. This is all sort of vague but regardless, I tried something new. It was interesting. Nothing is promised, no matter what spirituality you believe in. I guess that’s how faith works. You believe despite every reason you shouldn’t. You believe even when it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. You believe because you want to. You make that choice. I am finally starting to understand faith after so many years of having none. 

To make the “zoodles” I placed each zucchini in the contraption and then turned the handle, TURN TURN TURN, and zoodles came out on the other end. I was probably doing something wrong because few of my zoodles came out long and elegant. Mostly they were stubby little slivers but fine, whatever. I will try to make the zoodles better next time. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time in that city. I’ve been taking meetings with actual fancy people. These are the kinds of meetings where nothing means anything until it does. I hope eventually this will all mean something. 

Unexpectedly, I have found a city where actually want to live. I wonder if I will have the courage to allow myself to be happy. Time will tell.

There are these moments when everything is perfect, ordinary but perfect and by perfect I just mean, very good, real, tough, true. In these moments, I think, someday, it might always be like this and my heart fills my chest. I can breathe easier. 

I am not patient. But I am trying. It’s not all about me, apparently. 

I added tomatoes to the zoodles. I love tomatoes. 

About ten days ago, something upset me and I had a sad little evening in a hotel room and I forced myself to reevaluate my life. Early mid-life crisis? When I came out on the other side I was reaffirmed. Then, later, a friend told me to make a list of what I want in the here and now and I’ve made that list. It is a modest list, I think. And it is extravagant because I so rarely admit what I want. I am not used to believing that I am allowed to want, that I am worthy of desires. 

I also added some fresh basil, corn, and scallions. I pretended I was like Ina and going out to my garden to get these ingredients but no, they came from my refrigerator. I don’t have a house in the Hamptons and a gorgeous herb garden. Alas. 

My stomach continues to give me fits. When I don’t eat, I feel fantastic. I didn’t eat yesterday and when I woke up this morning, I was like, I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!!!! Then, I went out to lunch with a new friend and was like, “The end cannot come soon enough.”

But uhhh, one has to eat to like, survive. I’m starting to track the foods that set me off. Dairy is a mess, unless I take Lactaid and even then. All too often when I eat, I’m fine and then I’m not and my stomach hurts so badly and I can’t hardly walk or think straight. I start sweating buckets, like literally. It’s not a sustainable thing. I’ve seen doctors. I’ve had tests and tests (I don’t have celiac disease, etc etc etc) and the doctors tell me there’s nothing wrong beyond mild gastritis. 

But. This is not all in my head. I know this is not in my head. Someone gave me the name of a great stomach doctor in the city I spend like, half my time in these days so I am going to see that doctor when I can. I don’t know that anything will come of it. I can only have so much faith. After years of stomach pain, I’m starting to resign myself to always being in pain. Anyway, whatever. Bodies are stupid.

I made a vinaigrette–white balsamic vinegar, olive oil, salt and pepper, and then I tossed it all together, TOSS TOSS TOSS. 

I’m starting with a new personal trainer. I don’t have any grand pronouncements. I just have some reasons I want to be fitter and this is one of the strategies I am employing. There are others. We’ll see how it goes. Or, more honestly, we will see if I stop sabotaging myself with my emotional bullshit so that I can finally, FINALLY, live my life to the fullest. 

Let me tell you about this trifling thing I do. I will partially empty my dishwasher and then add new dishes and run the cycle with both clean and dirty dishes. There are some glasses in the top rack that are beyond clean. They’ve been up there for months, just getting washed every once in a while. See, I’m not used to having a dishwasher. I normally wash dishes by hand. Sometimes I don’t have time so I just put the dishes in the dishwasher and the machine takes care of them. The future is magic. BUT. I hate emptying the dishwasher SO MUCH, and thus, this trifling cycle. I am not so good at adulting.

This turned out pretty well. It felt very “summery” and “healthy.” I ate some steak with it, now that I am back on the meat wagon. I kept thinking, “UGH I AM EATING ZUCCHINI” which was challenging but when I pretended I wasn’t eating zucchini I was able to swallow and not think this was disgusting. This dish was actually pretty good. I looked at the little meal I made for myself tonight and thought, “I’d do me. I am a fucking catch.”