bone damage

Random joke magic items

Here’s a list of random joke items to use for fun in your campaign. I’d recommend adding them to treasure hoards rather than subbing normal items for them.
Anyway here they are:

1. Ace of Spades - An ace of spades from a standard card deck. No matter where you store it on your body, you will always be able to find it in your right sleeve afterwards.

2. Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot - This amulet allows you to gain the benefit from two magical amulets rather than one. It cannot be further enchanted.

3. Amulet of Feather Fall - When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.

4. Amulet of Unbreaking Bones - Con-man says you can’t break any bones. Really, he means other’s bones. -100% damage against skeletons.

5. Amulet of weather detection - yells that it is or is not raining.

6. Anti-Matches - A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.

7. Arrow of Euarere - A silver arrow, suspended on a string. It always points to the person holding the string.

8. Arrow of Slaying, The - This magical arrow is capable of killing a creature.

9. Artist’s Bludgeon, The - Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change color.

10. Attentive Guardsman’s Pike - These ornate and deadly-looking ceremonial pikes are reach weapons and appear to weigh at least 20 lbs, not counting the weight of the fluttering banners that can be unfurled for parade use. Constructed of shadowstuff, they weigh one pound, and inflict only a single point of damage on an attack, being almost entirely for show, although they also have the unique property of remaining in place when set (although unable to support more than 20 lbs), allowing a ‘resting his eyes’ guardsman to prop it up and leave it standing under its own power, while his hand sags off of it.

11. Attentive Guardsman’s Tabard - A dozen of these tabards were fashioned for palace guardsmen in the Empire of Sard, 250 miles from the nearest enemy. The bearer is placed under a glamour that causes him to appear alert and awake, even if his eyes are closed and he is snoring lightly.

12. Axe of Big Numbers - This axe shouts “Big numbers baby, come on!” whenever it is swung, but always deals 1 damage or less.

13. Axe of Empathy - Every time you hit something with this +5 greataxe, you get dealt an equal amount of damage. Both you and the thing you hit are then healed the amount of damage dealt by the axe, even if either are dead. The Axe hopes you have learned your lesson.

14. Axe of Pain - The axe is always moaning and groaning with pain.

15. Bag of Faerie Gold - This sack appears to be full of gold coins and jewels. When one attempts to spend them, however, the glamour on them soon vanishes, revealing them to be nothing but leaves and pebbles. Obviously, most shopkeepers will not be happy about this, and no amount of ‘we didn’t know, I swear!’ will change their mind.

16. Bag of Holding - This item functions as a normal backpack, however when attempting to retrieve an item, a calm female voice tells them there is a wait time of 4d10 minutes before they can retrieve their item (actual time is stated time plus 6d6 additional minutes). During this wait, the bag plays either annoying muzak or advertisements for the bag’s creator’s other products/services. Upon attempting to retrieve an item, there is a chance that the wrong item is retrieved, or that the intended item is simply missing. Obtaining the original item requires an additional 4d10+6d6 minutes and has only a 5% chance of success.

17. Bag of Trading - You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there’s some sort of correlation to what gets you what, but it’s extremely convoluted and far from understood.

18. Bag of Trick - This bag operates like a Bag of Tricks, except it only works once a week and produces a rat each time it is used.

19. Bag of Unholding - Quite a large backpack but even the smallest item doesn’t fit.

20. Bagpipe of Stealth - Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.

21. Ball of Eyes - A snow-globe filled with miniature eyeballs. When shaken, it grants the user a blurry, jittery vision of some future event.

22. Banana Walkie-Talkies - There exist two, and only two, of these items in the world. One of which is possessed by a cranky and lonely half-orc. It appears to be an innocuous wooden banana with a coat of faded yellow paint. When an end (doesn’t matter which one) is placed against your ear, you can hear a ringing followed by a click and a half-orc yelling at you for waking him up at this ungodly hour. If you drop the banana or “hang up,” the call ends. If you stay and listen, the half-orc will yell at you, call out obscenities, and start going on about his daily problems and mishaps in his love life. Every so often (2% chance/day), the banana will ring while you are sleeping and the half-orc will want to talk to you about his problems.

23. Barrel of Holding - This large wooden barrel measuring √(12/π) feet in diameter and 5 feet in height can hold up to 15 cubic feet of matter.

24. Beam Sword of Severed Nerves - A beam sword. It cannot cut anything but nerve strings. Will pass through any other material leaving no harm.

25. Belt of Pants - This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will

26. Belt of Tightening - Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes permanently shrink a fraction of a millimeter. The effect is compound.

27. Belt of Unbathed Breath - When worn around the waist, allows the user to breathe underwater. Does not function when wet.

28. Boogie Skeleton - This pile of bones is small, such as one that might be obtained from a bird or a toad, though it can look as though it came from any creature. When a song is sung or played in the vicinity of the skeleton, it begins to dance appropriately. As soon as the music stops, it collapses into the pile of bones again. The skeleton, when dancing, can be no larger than Diminutive.

29. Book of Canon - A book that automatically transforms into a copy of the sacred text of any religion, translated into the language the user is most familiar with.

30. Book of Confusion - The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time. The book is a bad novel about zombies.

31. Book of Curses - When opened, the book verbally berates anyone in the immediate vicinity, calling into question their combat ability, intellect, personal hygiene, lineage and profession of their mothers, and other delightful insults. Once closed the book continues shouting (although it is muffled) until placed inside a bag or some other similar container for 1d4+1 minutes and ignored. Replying to the book in any other way causes the insults to get louder and more childish the more time you spend replying to it.

32. Book of Exalted Deeds - Contains a listing of some of the finest houses ever sold and the specifics of the titles to the properties.

33. Boots of Blinding Speed - The wearer’s speed is doubled, and they are blinded.

34. Boots of Levitation - These boots levitate a few inches off the ground when not worn.

35. Boots of Stylishness - Knee high black boots that are always clean and shiny. They never take in water, thus feet are always dry.

36. Boots of Teleportation - Allows the player to teleport wherever they like, but don’t carry the wearer with them when activated; the boots teleport just fine, though.

37. Boots of Walking - The wearer of the boots cannot run, nor can he take a double move action, and takes a -5 to Tumble checks. These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.

38. Bottle of Air - It’s a bottle. Full of air. Congratulations.

39. Bottomless Beer Mug - Any liquid poured into this mug treats the bottom as incorporeal, but solid objects don’t.

40. Bowl of Comfortable Warmth - Any liquid in the bowl will feel comfortably warm, so icy cold water will feel like it’s a bit over room temperature. Do note, however, that it’s still icy cold water, it just feels warmer.

50. Breastplate of Secret Detection - If the wearer of this breastplate gains a piece of information that is somehow connected to the concealment of a hidden conspiracy or plot, a live and still wet red herring forms on the inside of the armor.

51. Bullying Gloves - At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.

52. Bunyan’s Belt - When worn, causes an enormous, bushy black beard to appear on the wearer’s face.

53. Cape of Resistance - When this item is placed on any living thing it somehow manages to fall off, untie itself, slip past the owner’s neck entirely, or otherwise avoid being worn.

54. Case of the Litigator - Translates any document placed in the case into legal jargon; non-reversible. Does not confer the ability to understand legal jargon.

55. Cat of Schrodinger - When this cat is not being observed in any way it is both dead and alive. When something observes it, it suddenly becomes either dead or alive with a 50% chance of either.

56. Chair of Steadiness - This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.

57. Charles - This small, unremarkable figurine of a gnome refuses to be called anything but Charles. No other name will leave the lips of the speaker. It has no other powers.

58. Chime of Interruption - This instrument can be struck once every round, which takes a standard action. On any round the chime is activated the user may ready one action without spending an action to do so.

59. Chime of Opening - Commonly affixed to or near doors, when pressed it emits a sound on the interior of the owner’s home to let them know guests have arrived.

60. Chime of Opening (Alternate) - When struck against a solid surface, this chime emits a loud click, and opens along its length, to reveal a tiny compartment adequate to conceal a single 'smoke’ worth of pipeweed or a blowgun needle. When the compartment is closed, it is seamless and can be detected only with a DC 20 Search check. If hit with an instrument such as a small mallet, it chimes.

61. Cloak of Billowing - This black and silver cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.

62. Cloak of Displacement, Minor - This item appears to be a normal cloak, but when worn by a character its magical properties distort and warp reality. When any attack is made against the wearer the cloak has a 20% chance of falling off, no matter how it is secured.

63. Compacting hammer - The force imparted by it is multiplied, but is spread around the surface of a struck object facing inward.

64. Cymbal of Symbols - This musical instrument enables the user to comprehend dead languages, but only while they are deafened by noise.

65. Dagger of Told Secrets - A simple-looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper your most embarrassing secret to that person.

66. Dagger of unnatural sharpness - The blade is exceptionally sharp to your touch. It confers no combat bonuses but can be used as a normal dagger for fighting or crafting, but the user seems to always cut himself in minor ways when using it.

67. Dagger of Untold Secrets - A simple looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper the most embarrassing secret of that person to you.

68. Decanter of Endless Sorrow - A pewter flask that produces limitless alcohol when held to their lips by someone who is troubled. It gets them drunk but they never feel any better.

69. Diadem of Brothaurity - When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can’t stop calling everyone bro.

70. Enchanted Book of Collected Stories - Opening this will cause miniature creatures/people to pour out and perform a chapter from the book much like a theater.

71. Focusing Ring - The digit on which this ring is worn can be viewed in extremely high definition from a great distance.

72. Gloves of Tinkering - Wearing the gloves will make you able to almost repair any broken item. However, you will always end up with pieces from the item that don’t seem to fit anywhere.

73. Glowing sword of orc detection - When it gets orc blood on it the sword glows.

74. Good Luck ring - Gives your enemies good luck!

75. Greater Staff of Random Summoning - Summons a random creature at a random place. You could be summoning a giant Ogre on the other side of the globe for all you know.

76. Helm of Awareness, The - The wearer is acutely aware of the fact that they are wearing this helmet and that it has a magical effect. - All you need to do to make this work as a DM is frequently remind the player that the helm is magical while they are wearing it but be evasive about exactly what it does.

77. Hoarder’s Wand - Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.

78. Hood of Offensive Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others to the appearance of the person they most personally dislike.

79. Hood Of Worrisome Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others, however the identity used will be random.

80. Indestructible Notebook of Memories - This otherwise normal notepad of normal notepad size cannot be damaged or destroyed, and anything written in it cannot be obscured or defaced. It also has unlimited pages despite its finite size. However, the data it holds only lasts as long as the writer independently remembers it, and decays in exact proportion to the relevant memories. Remember who and when, but not where? Then the words describing the location in that particular entry are the only ones gone.

81. Intransigent Rod - When the button on this artifact is pressed in, the holder’s opinions solidify and they become impossible to convince.

82. Key to anywhere - opens any door into a closet with a water bucket that falls and hits the player’s head. Inside this closet is the treasure of true adventurers. If opened with a key, it opens a closet…

83. Lunch Box of Delicious Unfulfillment - This lunch box will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.

84. Mask of Concealment - Hides the wearer’s face and conceals everything from them by blocking their eyes! Bonus points for requiring a strength check or a time limit to expire to be removed.

85. Mattress of Poverty, The - No matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.

86. Mug O’ Dissatisfaction - A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that person’s preferences.

87. Murder Dagger - All damage it would deal is instead replaced by the target being harassed by crows for that many hours.

88. Needle Of Learned Compromise - This needle will create beautiful tattoos of any design, however they hurt a tiny bit more. When used to sew it is entirely normal.

89. Portable Dark Tavern Corner - Consisting of two wooden boards connected by a hinge, this artifact draws those nearby into assuming it is a perfect spot to conduct seedy business.

90. Potion of fire breathing - For the length of time that the potion is in effect, every breath out is on fire, whether you want it to be or not.

91. Potion of Quelchment - Cures thirst when consumed

92. Ring of Fire Detection - becomes warm when placed into Fire.

93. Ring of First Impression - Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.

94. Ring of Stoneskin - Turns your skin, muscles, and organs into stone! Character is now a stationary statue. Can’t be reversed until someone takes the ring off.

95. Rope of Entanglement - Becomes entangled when left in a pack

96. Sack of Hive Eggs - Crushing one of the numerous tiny eggs will cause the thoughts of everybody in the proximity to merge. Everybody can hear what you think and you can hear everybody.

97. Shirt of fire protection - this shirt is sopping wet.

98. Shoes of the Restless Traveler - These shoes allow their user to run for miles without feeling fatigue, but if they try to do anything else with it (walk, sit down, jump), they will instantly trip

99. Sword of Parrying - Parries every attack, swinging it yourself will force it to “parry” your opponent’s weapon/attack even though he/she/it is defenseless.

100. Torch of Night Vision - grants bearer Night Vision while lit.

101. Vorpal Grindstone - It can “sharpen” any object to become vorpal. Any object.

102. Wand of command - Lets your character be controlled after saying the command word!

103. Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand - Creates a Wand of Create Wand. Consumes original Wand.

104. Wand of Pigeon Summoning - summons 1d20 pigeons everyday. On a 20 it breaks and summons a giant pigeon god (can be the size of Godzilla or like 5 pigeons.) Giant pigeon god should be in the mid 20s for CR, but is uninterested in attacking, and will simply fly away when summoned.

105. Water Hat, The - A small red hat, when worn, causes water to pour from the wearer’s fingers at the speed and pressure of a kitchen faucet at half power.

106. Wineskin of the Eternal Primary - This wineskin never runs out of water, but even the tiniest sip makes you have to go potty, like, super bad. Right now.

How do you tell an alien about the stuff we attach to our skeletons as a way of not letting a trauma fuck our bodies up? I mean, have you ever seen  a Fixateure externe? We bolt an external metal structure to an already damaged bone (and the other bones that need it for stability in the joint) so it’s at the correct lenght for mending itself without the boneends moving accidentally too far away and forming a pseudarthrosis.

Because you better believe our bodies will do that if left alone. It renders the bodypart effing useless.

Also, we sometimes just stick a titanium rod through hollow bones to fix them. Not getting in detail, but just imagine.

You are at the spaceport, and suddenly something weird shows up on one of the monitors. In a human body, so the possibility of the readings being accurate just went from no-way to oh-my-gosh-what’s-it-again. Anyway, you make your way to the waiting terran spacers. Ask if they are aware of there being a rather severe and concentrated metal-deposit in their… shoulder bone, clavicle your computer tells you it’s called.

You see the moment they understand, and most just start snickering and the affected human just starts… cursing… ‘alien airport detectors’.

They show you the medical papers shortly after that. You stare at them, turn your translator off and on again (a habit you picked up from a human acquaintance, actually…), then decide not to bother them anymore. You make a note of it and send it to your superior to do as they please. Because no. Protesis, even endoprotesis you can understand, but those are state-of-art medical devices. 

Not a piece of titanium in the bonemarrow.

What Science is Launching to Space?

The tenth SpaceX cargo resupply mission launched to the International Space Station on Feb. 18, and is carrying science ranging from protein crystal growth studies to Earth science payloads. Here’s a rundown of some of the highlights heading to the orbiting laboratory.

The CASIS PCG 5 investigation will crystallize a human monoclonal antibody, developed by Merck Research Labs, that is currently undergoing clinical trials for the treatment of immunological disease. Results from this investigation have the potential to improve the way monoclonal antibody treatments are administered on Earth.

Without proteins, the human body would be unable to repair, regulate or protect itself. Crystallizing proteins provides better views of their structure, which helps scientists to better understand how they function. Often times, proteins crystallized in microgravity are of higher quality than those crystallized on Earth. LMM Biophysics 1 explores that phenomena by examining the movement of single protein molecules in microgravity. Once scientists understand how these proteins function, they can be used to design new drugs that interact with the protein in specific ways and fight disease.

Much like LMM Biophysics 1, LMM Biophysics 3 aims to use crystallography to examine molecules that are too small to be seen under a microscope, in order to best predict what types of drugs will interact best with certain kinds of proteins. LMM Biophysics 3 will look specifically into which types of crystals thrive and benefit from growth in microgravity, where Earth’s gravity won’t interfere with their formation. Currently, the success rate is poor for crystals grown even in the best of laboratories. High quality, space-grown crystals could improve research for a wide range of diseases, as well as microgravity-related problems such as radiation damage, bone loss and muscle atrophy.

Nanobiosym Predictive Pathogen Mutation Study (Nanobiosym Genes) will analyze two strains of bacterial mutations aboard the station, providing data that may be helpful in refining models of drug resistance and support the development of better medicines to counteract the resistant strains.

During the Microgravity Expanded Stem Cells investigation, crew members will observe cell growth and morphological characteristics in microgravity and analyze gene expression profiles of cells grown on the station. This information will provide insight into how human cancers start and spread, which aids in the development of prevention and treatment plans. Results from this investigation could lead to the treatment of disease and injury in space, as well as provide a way to improve stem cell production for human therapy on Earth.

The Lightning Imaging Sensor will measure the amount, rate and energy of lightning as it strikes around the world. Understanding the processes that cause lightning and the connections between lightning and subsequent severe weather events is a key to improving weather predictions and saving life and property. 

From the vantage of the station, the LIS instrument will sample lightning over a wider geographical area than any previous sensor.

Future robotic spacecraft will need advanced autopilot systems to help them safely navigate and rendezvous with other objects, as they will be operating thousands of miles from Earth. 

The Raven (STP-H5 Raven) studies a real-time spacecraft navigation system that provides the eyes and intelligence to see a target and steer toward it safely. Research from Raven can be applied toward unmanned vehicles both on Earth and in space, including potential use for systems in NASA’s future human deep space exploration.

SAGE III will measure stratospheric ozone, aerosols, and other trace gases by locking onto the sun or moon and scanning a thin profile of Earth’s atmosphere.

These measurements will allow national and international leaders to make informed policy decisions regarding the protection and preservation of Earth’s ozone layer. Ozone in the atmosphere protects Earth’s inhabitants, including humans, plants and animals, from harmful radiation from the sun, which can cause long-term problems such as cataracts, cancer and reduced crop yield.

Tissue Regeneration-Bone Defect (Rodent Research-4) a U.S. National Laboratory investigation sponsored by the Center for the Advancement of Science in Space (CASIS) and the U.S. Army Medical Research and Materiel Command, studies what prevents other vertebrates such as rodents and humans from re-growing lost bone and tissue, and how microgravity conditions impact the process. 

Results will provide a new understanding of the biological reasons behind a human’s inability to grow a lost limb at the wound site, and could lead to new treatment options for the more than 30% of the patient.

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Do you know that terrifying feeling of knowing that you are about to fall right before you fall?
The time between the realisation and the fall is of just a few seconds so you can’t really prevent yourself from falling.
The fall for me isn’t as bad as the terror of the knowledge that I am about to fall and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Actually, I am wrong. There is one thing in that second I can manage to do.
I can break my fall.
That’s what ‘falling in the right way’ is called.
It still hurts, but less.
It will give you bruises but won’t break any bones.
It’s damage control.
But how do you break your fall when you are falling in love?

The Bloody Red Baron’s traumatic brain injury,

 The issue of head trauma and brain injury has been in the spotlight a lot lately, especially when it comes to sports and athletic injury, as well as auto accidents, job accidents, and of course, soldiers returning home from war.  Perhaps one recently recognized case of traumatic brain injury in history is Manfred von Richthofen, also known as the “Red Baron”.  One of the greatest combat fighter pilots of all time, the German ace helped form the foundation of aerial dogfighting.  He wasn’t the most skilled pilot, but he utilized tactics which made him the most dangerous airman of World War I, earning him 80 kills, making him the highest scoring and most decorated pilot of the war. Richthofen’s incredible success was mostly due to his strict adherence to a set rules governing dogfighting called the “Boelcke Dictums”, written by German flying ace Oswald Boelcke.  Today the Boelcke Dictums are holy gospel among fighter pilots, still taught to trainees in air forces around the world.

On July 6th, 1917, Richthofen suffered a gunshot wound to the head, damaging the frontal lobe of his brain.  Amazingly, the wound didn’t kill him, and he was able to land in friendly territory. He had to undergo several operations to remove bone fragments from his damaged brain, and was temporarily blinded and paralyzed. Amazingly, Richthofen made a quick comeback, spending only three months convalescing and healing, attempting to return to active duty in August but finally returning to the air on October 23rd.

Richthofen wasn’t the same after his head injury, and modern medical professionals  have looked over his case and determined that he could have suffered from a serious traumatic brain injury. He become disinhibited and compulsive, often making snap judgments and irrational decisions.  He also had less control over his emotions, becoming moody and depressed.  In his journals, his writing became more simplistic, disorganized, and nonsensical.  In the air, he became more and more reckless, taking more dangerous risks and ignoring the Boelcke Dictums which he had rigidly adhered to before.  It is was quite clear that Richthofen was suffering from head trauma (and perhaps battle fatigue) resulting in decreased cognitive ability. It is a good possibility that the Bloody Red Baron had lost his edge due to his injury.

On April 21st, 1918 Richthofen broke formation with his squadron to chase an Allied plane.  Flying mere hundreds of feet above the ground, Richthofen pursued the fighter deep into enemy territory, totally oblivious of enemy fighters diving on his six and a mass of anti aircraft fire rising from the ground.  Neurologists call this “target fixation”, a habit common among those suffering brain injuries where a person will fixate on a particular object or thing while losing awareness of his or her surroundings.   Richthofen sustained a mortal gunshot wound to the chest, going down and crashing.  He was buried with honors by British forces.  Today, most medical and military experts agree that the Red Baron would have never been allowed to fly again in any modern air force.

Batfam Mall Trip Headcanons

Cowritten with @ninjathrowingstork

  • Bruce is the only one allowed to drive and control the radio. This decreases the death threats by 50%
  • Shotgun is on a rotating schedule
  • Seating rules for the Wayne mom van: Damian and Tim will not sit together. Cass and Steph will not sit apart. Babs will ignore you unless your aura is orange, there is nothing you can do to make your aura more orange. Dick must on no account be given alcohol; Jason must at all times be given alcohol, and will need an hour to violently protest the whole trip before leaving. And, most importantly, Damian will be working under the presumption that you are trying to kill him unless proved otherwise, so avoid giving him blunt instruments, sharp knives, or hot liquids
  • Once arrived, everyone must stay together. Last time resulted in damages, broken bones, and being banned from an entire restaurant chain
  • Do not let Babs in a tech store too long, she will either buy out the store or start a Costco style demonstration of why these products are crap
  • If there is a fitness center, Cass is not allowed in. She will leave with 560 phone numbers, 15 boys crying because she put them to shame, 10 with injuries trying to keep up/beat/impress her, and a job offer
  • Tim is not allowed to buy his own lunch, it will contain very little actual food and too much caffeine
  • Do not get between Jay and Dick at the arcade air hockey table. Let them duke it out between them. This feud has been going since Jason’s voice squeaked and isn’t going to end soon
  • Jason must be kept on a timer in all bookstores. Also a tracker so he doesn’t decide to just move into their stockroom and never leave. Tim is almost as bad but can be bribed away with the promise of Starbucks
  • If there is a bouncy place, Bruce is required to rent the whole place for the day in advance. No young child should be subjected to his family in the bounce house.
  • Steph is to be under supervision inside the Icing, and never allowed in with Damian. Last time the two were in the Claire’s, he almost ended up with a pierced ear, and took a week to stop sulking over it. Steph will try to buy all the nesting makeup kits and anything purple
  • Dick is never again allowed to take Damian to the furniture to test mattresses again
  • Damian is to be under heavy supervision at any pet shop, and must subject himself to a minimum of three (3) pat downs when leaving
  • Any Batkids attempting the dance game demo must be reminded that it is 1) a game and 2) not worth using full acrobatic abilities to show each other up with
  • Cass and Tim will destroy any and all challengers at DDR, do not challenge them or we will be here all day. Damian is especially not allowed to challenge them, because he will be a close third, refuse to quit, and hurt himself trying to beat Tim.
  • The Lego store will be a 4 hour trip in itself, with everyone leaving with their own personalized minifigures, the new kit they’ve been wanting, and Babs having neatly sorted those bins in the back of loose pieces
  • Jason must never be allowed in the Hot Topic alone, and Dick must never be allowed in with anyone
  • Shotgun on the way home is awarded to who can find the weirdest decoration or collectible. Every single one, whether it won or not, is kept in a China cabinet in the manor that Alfred loves to dust and is quite the conversation piece at parties
  • Steph will grab whoever is closest and make them get their makeup and nails done with her. Even Bruce is not immune.
  • No one is allowed more Harry Potter merch. Not because Bruce has anything against it, but because he already has four different rooms in the manor dedicated to it, one per house and decorated as closely to the common rooms as possible/theorized. They do not need anymore. No. (They all leave with some anyways. Every time. He should know better)
  • Additionally, no playing Quidditch in the parking lot. They don’t have enough people anyway
  • Shopping cart races in the parking lot are also banned, because the Batfam motto might as well be “go big or go home”, and it’s hard to have a reasonable patrol schedule when most of the family is in some type of cast or brace.
  • Likewise, no surfing down the escalator handrails
  • Randomly yelling “ice bucket challenge!!!” And upending your drink over your sibling’s head is not allowed
  • Planking was banned when Bruce continually had to come retrieve his children from the top of shelving units
  • Before that, Dick was banned from planking because balancing perpendicular to the guardrail with sheer ab strength is 1) cheating because he’s already an acrobat, and 2) going to attract security when you do it on the third story of the mall
  • Adding to that, he is further forbidden from, while balancing on the rail, flinging out his arms and shouting “I’m flying, Jack” across the food court
  • Damian is not allowed near any pet food aisles. Not because of his affinity for animals, but because he will try to feed it to Tim, arguing that it’s better than he feeds himself sometimes anyways (he’s not wrong, hence Damian trying to make the point and save his brother from himself). Further, should Damian slip away and manage to procure said dog food, Tim is not allowed to grab a fork from the food court and eat it while staring Damian down
  • Jason is not allowed near hand soaps and shaving creams since he turned an aisle into a giant slip ‘n slide (all the kids and overworked Millennials had a blast, the adults overseeing them did not)
  • Dick is banned from figure skating down any slip 'n slide aisles Jason is responsible for
  • Dick is banned from figure skating in general when there’s a skating rink at the mall in the winter
  • All children are banned from skating together because they get competitive. Shouting out scores to siblings as they skate is frowned upon but not prohibited until it starts to get out of hand
  • If there is a fitness center that offers yoga, Dick is also banned. He will end up teaching the class, leave with even more numbers than Cass, 7 people with pulled muscles from trying to match his bendiness, and at least 18 women all convinced they’re his girlfriend or that he was hitting on them
  • If there’s a Brookstone or similar store, no one is allowed to start battles with any of the gadgets, or else try to modify “improve” any of the gadgets, and should be strictly supervised
  • Unless they’re in one of the massage chairs, in which case they’re not to be disturbed until it’s time to leave the mall
  • If there is a massage place at the mall, Bruce basically has to reserve at least one masseuse for the entire day and alternate children. He goes last and always gets one that’s geared toward headache treatment
  • Tim is not allowed near a display laptop. Neither is Babs.*
  • *exception: if the mall’s radio station is terrible, Bruce will “lose track” of them so they can hack and fix it
  • Dick isn’t allowed to pick the music anymore, even if he could have hacked it from his gauntlet computer when he was their age
  • Babs is not allowed near copies of Fifty Shades of Grey or the subsequent books, because they have a tendency to “spontaneously combust” when she’s around. Other, more… unfortunate…things have happened to them after Cass walked past the display.
  • There is a running tradition of buying siblings weird, fun socks they’ll like. It’s like a secret Santa exchange, with everyone drawing random names before they leave for the mall. There is also a game of trying to buy the person’s socks without them noticing while they’re in line with you. Bruce has more Superman and Wonder Woman knee highs than he will ever wear in one lifetime (including the ones that have little capes). Steph gets ones with baked goods on them. Damians are all animals. Tim’s are all nerdy pop culture ones from like Hot Topic. Dicks are all brightly colored. Babs likes anything odd, and Cass likes pastels, which confuses everyone. Jay likes food ones, but Tim won brother of the year when he got Jason tombstone ones during Halloween because of how many death jokes he could wear on his feet, he was so excited. No one knows who found the zombie socks for Jason.
  • Dick will insist on riding the little animals you can rent for the day. He will try to get Dami to join him. All sharp objects must be kept out of range when this happens. Dami will eventually yield, but not without a fight to maintain his reputation, and it turns out they charge more when they have to clean out blood stains
  • Damian is not allowed to fill out mall surveys, ever
  • Damian is also not allowed to fill out entries for new cars, and his siblings are not allowed to help rig the drawings in his favor. He’s 10, he doesn’t need a car yet, I don’t care if you drive better than Steph (no, Steph, don’t hit your brother), you don’t get a car till you can legally drive. Being able to reach the pedals isn’t enough.
  • Dick is not allowed near crying children in a toy section because he will buy every child what they want every time, and while Bruce doesn’t mind so much, they really don’t have time to buy every child in the mall a toy when they hear he’s playing Santa. (If given warning, Bruce will absolutely sponsor a buy children toys trip (he’s even played mall Santa himself a few times), but do not drop it on him on the day of)
  • Anyone riding the carousel must be seated properly. Climbing to hang around the front of the animals head or perch on its neck or anything else is not allowed. Certain circus boys aren’t allowed on any animal more exotic than a horse due to the whining and begging for a Bat Elephant that always follow
  • Theater hopping is absolutely not a “stealth exercise ”
  • Jason and Damian are both, for entirely separate incidents, banned from those super powerful vending machine bouncy balls.
  • Damian isn’t allowed to buy ice cream from one of those hi-tech kiosks that uses liquid nitrogen to freeze the ice cream
  • Photo booth sessions are only allowed 2 siblings at a time, and nothing more silly than facial expressions are allowed
  • Any concealed gadgets must stay hidden, even inside the photo booth
  • Tim, Dick, and Babs are not allowed to change the wifi passwords of stores with rude employees. (An exception is granted to stores who are clearly mistreating employees. The distraction gives Bruce time to lead a revolution)
  • Bruce is only allowed to try to buy up one business per mall trip
  • If there is a nice stationery store, Babs will stop to test out the fine pens. You are not to interrupt her or she will try to use your blood as the ink of the next fountain pen she tests
  • If a new handheld game comes out that more than one sibling wants, everyone gets their own copy to prevent save data from being erased. This has prevented wars
  • Jason only gets to stop at one sunglasses kiosk to try on pairs. Dick must be allowed to stop at every kiosk due to how many pairs he goes through.
  • Stephanie is the best haggler at the outrageously overpriced kiosks, especially perfume ones. She also has a good idea of how things should be priced so that retailers still make money without gouging customers, so just let her do her thing and everyone will be happy. maybe take notes
  • Bonus: Bruce has, on more than one occasion, been in the process of dressing to go golfing or yachting or something that requires shorts with WE members, only to discover that the kids have ganged up and stolen all his socks. All of them. Except the JL ones. He has to wear caped socks golfing. He just sighs and says sometimes his 10 year old is the most mature of the lot, and they all nod in sympathy. He will ironically wear the Batman knee highs, because there’s no way anyone who knows Bruce Wayne would suspect him of being Batman if he’s wearing ridiculous Batman socks

-inspired by therealdeepsix’s meta on The Winter Soldier’s/Bucky’s arm by ussecretlittleartists now cptsassrogers

Edit: This is no longer up to date with my current headcanons for the WS’s arm.

Showcasing the extensive bone damage that had to be replaced due to his metal arm.

“The bones are another matter. Clearly all the bones in the arm proper have been replaced with metal, but the shoulder also contains the scapula (shoulder blade) and clavicle, which are bisected at the scarring point. It would make the most sense to me that the clavicle has been replaced entirely with a metal one, and the scapula is probably at least capped with metal. This would be to reinforce the bones to protect them from the jarring impact of punching someone/thing with a metal arm.”


[2/? series exploring the anatomy of the Winter Soldier’s arm]

Part One: Muscle Damage-Front View

Part Three: Muscle Damage-Posterior View

Part Four: Outer Plating and Subduction Zones

Part Five: Pneumatic Artificial Muscles (PAMs)

Part Six: The ‘Tensing’ of the WS’s Plating 

I apologize if these colors are off on your screen.

You fell in love with a boy
with half broken bones,
with damaged hands you couldn’t hold.

You fell in love with the ocean
he hid between his ribs, disguised as a stream.
You’d drink salt water from his palms if he asked
and still kiss him with the raw red of your mouth, 
like the horizon kisses the curve of the world.

He fell in love with a boy
with sulphur in his veins, with a laugh like glass,
sharp enough to the touch that the edges burn.

He fell in love with your sunburst soul,
half-blinded by the brightness you tried to hide,
but you cannot lie to a boy who built his whole life
around restraining the truth, and even at your darkest
he never believed you were the black hole 
left behind when a star died.

He has met black holes and supernovas alike
and neither could compare to the last flicker
of a flame you shelter between your teeth.

His kisses never steal it,
only coax it closer to life. Every touch of his fingers
is oxygen blooming in your blood. You learn how to be light,
how to let warmth into your smile, and he learns
that fire doesn’t always hurt when it burns.


Okay But

Shouldn’t Evan have more than a broken arm?? Didn’t he fall from 30ft Oak tree??SHOULD BE severely injured. Even with cushioning from bushes etc. And he had to be bound to hit branches on the way down..
(I mean a fall from 48ft is a 50% chance of survival. Their is a chance he was going to live)
Plus he probably wasn’t going for survival (since he let go) and didn’t care for the proper way to land if you fall from a high height.
He couldn’t have only suffred from a broken arm. He should have either
Broken completely a either
Clean break or uneven break of both arms or one.
With Dislocated shoulder even tore a tendon (possibly)
A severe concussion (possibility)
If he did hit his head he should’ve been knocked out for a while.
And if he landed and hit the back of his head hard enough, he might have vision issues and or be temporally blind, or just vision issues.
Hip injuries or Back issues.
I mean he is a skinny teen so he is bound to have a easier time to break bones or at least damage them. Plus get severe bruising.
The average rate of a human body falling is
120mph. And that rate and hitting ground?? Man Evan is one lucky son of a gun.
Or he just drinks a lot of milk and foods to help his body get stronger… which as we know eats pizza and take out. (If he’s desperation enough to withstand the awkwardness)

Correct me if I’m wrong in anyway. I’m no doctor obviously.

Red Jamie and the White Lady - Part 20

Holy. Crap. You guys. This is the TWENTIETH chapter of RJWL!!! I can’t even tell you how shocked I am that this story has made it so far. It wouldn’t be here without you wonderful supporters and readers. So thank you so so so so much for all your comments. @diversemediums is amazing as always, convincing me this chapter was actually good as it was snd I didn’t need to scrap it. :D

Catch up on chapter 19 HERE

Claire sat quietly beside Murtagh in the cab, watching the streets of Paris pass by. She’d never been to Paris before. There was a vague memory of an early childhood dream to visit Paris with her true love and kiss beneath the Eiffel Tower. Maybe she could persuade Murtagh to let Jamie out for one night and they’d sneak over there. No, she sighed, that would put him in too much danger and that was too much to risk.

When the cab came to a stop, Murtagh exited first and helped her with her bag, eyes constantly moving.

Keep reading

Out of all the shit Hannibal pulls, somehow the thing I have the most difficulty accepting is the stunt with the bone saw. I don’t know why, except probably that the intimacy that they shared directly leading up to that (before Will tried to pull his own stupid fucking stunt) is so profound and beautiful. It feels like closure on the conflict but then ten minutes later they are back at it, and escalating with every round.

I’d like to be able to convince myself that Hannibal wasn’t going to go through with it, and I’ve looked for little signs that he was hesitating (say that he apparently hadn’t applied enough pressure to actually damage the bone at the point when he was stopped) or glad to be given an excuse to stop (how easily he surrendered to Mason’s hired guns, when we’ve seen him chew through half a dozen armed FBI agents without a breaking a sweat before) but I’m not sure that’s entirely honest. 

I feel like I need to accept that once that ball started rolling, Hannibal wasn’t going to be able or willing stop it. But I’d love to be told I’m wrong.

peregrineroad  asked:

Yondu & truth serum? (Something about this fandom makes me want to go as tropey as possible)

I am up for ALL the tropes. Especially these kinds of tropes. :D

“Shit, they really did a number on you, didn’t they, man?”

It was at times like this that Peter fully appreciated how heavy Yondu was, even if Peter had outgrown him by the time he was sixteen (and hadn’t that been a trip, realizing he could look down into Yondu’s eyes). But Yondu was compact and solid, most of it muscle, and right now it was all Peter could do to keep him from ending up in a heap on the floor as they made their awkward way down the hallway of the Quadrant.

Peter had one of Yondu’s arms slung over his shoulder, his other hand gripped on Yondu’s belt. Yondu, head lolling on Peter’s shoulder, smelled like sour sweat and blood, though his captors hadn’t roughed him up that much, as far as Peter could tell. Mostly they’d just drugged him.

And what information they’d actually gotten out of him would remain a mystery, since between Peter and Rocket, that was one group of bounty hunters who wouldn’t be hunting any more bounties.

“Ain’t nothin’ broke, I don’t think,” Yondu muttered through his teeth, his voice a little bit slurred. “Head’s killin’ me, feels like I’m gonna puke on ya’, if you don’t stop manhandlin’ me around like this – an’ stop askin’ me questions, boy!”

“It wasn’t meant to be a question,” Peter said, and added, “jerk,” under his breath, but quietly, as he elbowed open the door to the captain’s quarters. At least he’d managed to get an honest answer out of Yondu about how he was feeling, which was unlikely to happen at any other time..

… because honest answers were currently the only sort he could give. Whatever the heck they’d given him was some kind of interrogation drug. As soon as they’d figured that out, Peter had hustled him off to a part of the ship where no one was going to bother him until it wore off.

He let Yondu ooze limply onto the bed. Yondu cracked an eye open. “Place ain’t changed much since I been gone,” he remarked.

“I’m not sleeping up here,” Peter admitted. “It didn’t feel right, even after you left. We divided up one of the bigger rooms to make quarters for everybody. Gamora and I sleep down there.”

“Hell, boy, it’s your ship.”

“I know,” Peter said, a little helplessly. “But this part of it still feels like yours.”

He went off quickly to get a cup of water and stop himself from babbling anymore – Yondu might be the one who’d gotten dosed with truth serum, but Peter was the one who couldn’t stop running off at the mouth. This was the first time he’d seen Yondu in over a year. They stayed in touch, but Yondu had his life, putting together a new crew with Kraglin, and Peter had his, and … time got away from them both, he supposed.

It shouldn’t take a kidnapping to get them both in the same part of the galaxy.

When he came back with the water, Yondu looked asleep, one arm thrown over his eyes, but he lowered it and blinked as Peter set the cup beside the bed. His pupils were blown out, only a thin sliver of red visible around the edges of the irises.

“Light hurting your eyes?” Peter asked.

“Sure ain’t helping the headache none.”

“I could get you something for that, but I don’t know how it’d react with whatever’s already in your system,” Peter said, dialing down the lights until the quarters were dim, nearly dark.

“Don’t bother. Just need to sleep it off.”

“You shouldn’t be in pain,” Peter said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Hell, boy, I’m always in pain.”

“You are?” Peter looked at him in surprise.

“I was a Kree battle slave, boy; everything they did to me, the nerve damage, broken bones, don’t just go away. An’ I’m old, for a Centaurian …” His increasingly slurred voice trailed off, and then he said, sharper, “An’ stop askin’ me questions, dammit.”

“I’m not trying to.” Peter pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. He was tired, and shaky from adrenaline crash; for the better part of two days, they hadn’t known if Yondu was alive or dead, and then finding him chained up in the bounty hunters’ little ship, beaten and drugged –

But he was okay, basically. Or at least he was going to be. He’d told them that he didn’t think the drug he’d been given was toxic, just unpleasant – and he couldn’t exactly lie about it.

“You don’t gotta sit there,” Yondu grumbled, throwing his arm across his eyes again. “I’m gonna be jus’ fine once this wears off.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” Yondu said. He grimaced. “Yes. I dunno.” He made a sound of inarticulate frustration. “So pissin’ hard to think right now. Don’t mind havin’ you there, never really mind havin’ you there, but I’d kinda like to be alone.”

Peter didn’t quite manage to keep the grin off his face, but there was a time and a place for teasing Yondu, and this wasn’t it. He hesitated before patting Yondu’s arm.

“Best thing in the world,” Yondu murmured, “was seein’ you come through that door.” He cleared his throat. “Tell those friends of yours, any of ‘em come in here before this wears off, I’ll drill 'em with the arrow. 'Course, I wouldn’t really; you know that, they prob'ly know that, an’ – goddammit –”

“Don’t worry,” Peter said. “I’ll make sure nobody bothers you for the next few hours. Get some sleep, old man.”

anonymous asked:

AU where something goes wrong and Obi-Wan dies long before his destiny has determined he will-- The Force doesn't like this, and refuses so strongly that, upon pushing his soul back into his body and healing his wounds, there comes the unfortunate(or perhaps not unfortunate at all) side effect that Obi-Wan just. Can't die. He can be injured, but it will heal in the blink of an eye. Even a blaster bolt to the forehead or a lightsaber to the chest can't keep him down for long...

There are three things Obi-Wan knows at that moment.


One is the smell of burning flesh is as sickening as always as the lightsaber burrows into his chest and pierces through his heart.

Two is that he never wants to hear Anakin scream like that again.

And three that Ventress looks real pretty up close when she’s close enough for her breath to wash over his face.

Obi-Wan takes a jagged breath and then calmly closes his hand around her wrist. “That hurts.” He offered roughly before squeezing down on her wrist until she let go, not hard considering she looks shocked to the core as Obi-Wan stands there with a lightsaber buried in his chest.

The Jedi took that chance to remove the crimson saber from his chest, staring at her still before he gave her a directed shock through the grasp he had on her bared wrist, knocking her unconscious.

Obi-Wan summoned his own saber back to his hand from where Ventress had knocked moments ago and hooked it to his belt. “Anakin, please stop staring at me. I’m fine.” He finally offered.

That got a flurry of motions before the dark clothed Jedi was in front of him, blue eyes wide and wild as he stared down at Obi-Wan. “Fine!? She…you were…” He focused on the round hole burned through his armor and tunic, only seeing pink skin beneath it.

“I’m fine. We should most likely bring Asajj in before the droids has a chance to regroup and save her.” Obi-Wan looked down at the Sith acolyte. “And I’ll explain to your, and anyone else satisfaction once that’s done.” He sighed.

How to explain though?

This wasn’t something he could really explain.

Obi-Wan couldn’t die.

The Force was at act in it, though at times Obi-Wan wondered if it was a perversion of nature what he was.

His heart beat though, his mind spun its thoughts and his lungs required oxygen.

He was clearly human despite being unable to die.

But he could still bruise.

“Damn it Anakin!” He yelped as he was shoved into a chair in the command center, hastily reaching beneath him to pull Ventress saber out from under his butt. “I can still bruise you know!” He huffed and dropped the saber onto the desk.

“But not die apparently.” The blond growled out while crossing his arms over his chest.

Obi-Wan sighed. “No, not die.” He confessed.


“If you’re asking me then I ask you. I died a long time ago and just never remained dead. I’d blame the Force somehow.” Obi-Wan shrugged.

“Okay…you can’t die.” Anakin ran his hand over his face then crossed his arms over his chest. “You got a lightsaber THROUGH you heart…”

“Anakin, I’ve had a lot of fatal injuries and actions put on me. I’m not dead despite my heart having stopped several times. The bottom line is that I always came back.” Obi-Wan sighed.

“…When did you first die Master Obi-Wan?” Ahsoka suddenly asked, blinking at the human from behind her master.

“When I was twelve.” Obi-Wan shrugged. “I got trapped underneath the rubble in a mine, my head got caved in my a giant rock from the ceiling and I just…died.” He sat back in his chair, watching them. “I woke up stiff and cold and since then I haven’t been able to die.”

“You died when you were twelve?” Anakin’s arms dropped.

“I died at the age of twelve on Bandomeer and no one knew. I never told anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was weird enough for coming back to the temple after being sent away. Anakin, I can’t die, I breath poison gas and wake up once I’m done choking on my own blood. I have every bone broken in fall damage and yet when my eyes open again, I can move as easily as I can now.” He stared at him. “The trauma alone should have me at the steps of insanity but I am not. I cling to the faint remains of sanity.”

Anakin stared at him.

Obi-Wan sighed then pushed to his feet, reaching up and resting his hands on the others shoulders. “And since you now know, I can promise you this Anakin, I will not leave your side.” He smiled faintly.

Some post war atla headcanons because I’m a slut for this show:

  • anytime katara makes sea prunes, only sokka and zuko eat them… sokka because he likes them and zuko because he’s maybe a teeny-weeny bit afraid of what would happen if he didn’t
  • when the gaang comes to visit the fire nation, zuko insists they sleep outside in the gardens by a fire so that it feels like old times 
  • zuko never paid attention in his science classes and knows very little about how volcanoes, the main geographical formation of his country, actually work
  • but zuko loved arithmetic and history and often gets into it with sokka over who knows the most facts
  • these arguments generally dissolve into some kind of showing of brute strength, after which, katara is called upon to heal bruised tail bones and damaged egos
  • zuko’s temper never really cools, no matter how many times he says he’s chill
  • katara often tells him to go jump in a river when he gets too heated
  • suki and zuko have competitions in stealth and agility. zuko teaches her how to use dao swords and suki teaches him about fans
  • but the fact remains that zuko burned down suki’s village and because of this, he’s never allowed to win any of their contests
  • sokka threatens him with space sword if he tries to win
  • zuko did, however, visit kyoshi again and commissioned a new, bigger statue of avatar kyoshi to be built. he also tried to ride the unagi with aang was subsequently tossed around (katara had to heal his bruised tail bone and damaged ego, per usual)
  • suki begrudgingly admitted that this kinda, sorta made up for his rampage all those year ago
  • the longer zuko’s hair gets, the more everyone realizes that his hair is a little wavy
  • zuko is very irritated by this fact but katara insists that he’s lovely and also insists on braiding flowers into it
  • toph lived in the palace with zuko for several years and declared herself honorary fire lady for putting up with his shit
  • zuko got her an honorary fire lady crown for her thirteenth birthday because he’s a dork like that
  • toph, katara, and suki often go to the spa together. toph tries to act like she hates it, but everyone knows the truth
  • upon his first visit to the fire nation palace, sokka orchestrated the complete renovation of the entire thing, claiming zuko needed more light/windows/paintings and less ozai ooginess
  • zuko has special smiles reserved for all his friends - the soft, sensitive smile for toph, the oaf grin for sokka, the lopsided, rubbing the back of his neck, blushing smile for katara, the cocky smirk for suki, and the unsuspecting little smile for aang
  • on the unsuspecting smile for aang… these two are besties but like zuko doesn’t realize how much aang actually likes/looks up to him. aang often says things or makes these sly compliments about how smart/great/cool zuko is and it’s not until five minutes later that zuko realizes what aang said 
  • aang and zuko are both ladies’ men. aang basks in it but zuko is oblivious. sokka is jealous but also not jealous because he has suki
  • aang often makes little fire dragons and dances them around zuko’s head for entertainment during important meetings
  • katara often douses zuko’s councilmen with tea in said important meetings because she finds them infuriating. zuko loves this about her
  • katara let it slip that she loves pink peonies and zuko immediately planted them all over the palace grounds despite his groundskeeper’s claim that pink was not fire lord-y
  • zuko actually looks good in the color blue
  • if and when zuko manages to sneak up on katara from behind, his go to catch phrase is i’ll save you from the pirates
  • suki thinks this is some kind of dirty joke while the rest of the group just doesn’t get it. zuko and katara smirk because it is a dirty joke

ok… those last few turned into zutara headcanons but bye. 

Do you know that terrifying feeling of knowing that you are about to fall right before you fall?
The time between the realisation and the fall is of just a few seconds so you can’t really prevent yourself from falling.
The fall for me isn’t as bad as the terror of the knowledge that I am about to fall and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Actually, I am wrong. There is one thing in that second I can manage to do.
I can break my fall.
That’s what ‘falling in the right way’ is called.
It still hurts, but less.
It will give you bruises but won’t break any bones.
It’s damage control.
—  But how do you break your fall when you’re falling in love?
Tips and experiments on how to efficiently clean old bones

Important: This is pretty much a summary of all the research I’ve done on the subject and personal experiences from people who dabbled with bone preservation. I’m still experimenting with bone preservation using hydrogen peroxide so I might get things wrong here, I intend on updating this guide with new things I discover, and I more than welcome people with actual knowledge on the subject to correct me or add more tips!
Also if you’re a child pls get an adult to do this and don’t play with chemicals, I don’t have money for a lawsuit.

We’ve all been there. Upon arriving at an excavation site, or while surveying, we sometimes find a cool-looking, out-of-context bone. It’s clearly old (maybe not ancient, but old) and out of context, so it might even be legal to take, depending on your country’s law and your profs mood. Upon picking up your new, maybe-legally acquired bone, you notice it’s grimey af. “fuck”, you say. “how could I POSSIBLY clean it?” you say. “LIKE THIS!” I say, providing you with a short, amateurish guide on How To Pretty Up That Old Bone You Randomly Found™:

Thinking about using the good ol’ chlorine bleach? THINK AGAIN because the bone you’ll recover from a chlorine bleach bath will most likely either become super fragile and crumbly, or come out in a liquid state, and no one likes a mushy, flaccid bone.
Also - keep in mind that what is written here should not be applied to bones that seem fragile and crumbling. Why’d you even pick them up they’re far too fucked to be restored by amateurs like me lol.
Also 2.0 - what is written here should not be applied to fresh roadkill or whatever fucked up freshly decomposing carcass you find outside.

What you should be thinking about using is hydrogen peroxide (H2O2). You can buy H2O2 at any drugstore (3% and 6% concentrates are what is sold in my local store). Avoid using H2O2 that is meant for hair since it has other components in it that can damage the bone.

First, get a toothbrush, prefferably not your own, and brush the bone with some warm (not hot, I repeat, not. hot.) water till you get the dirt out. If the dirt is especially stubborn, sharpen a chop-stick into a shiv and carefuly pry the dirt out. If chopsticks are not available, find another pointy wooden potential prison weapon and avoid using a pointy metal thingy since wood is much softer and has far less chances of damaging the bone. After getting done with the initial dirt touch ups, steal a plastic container (with a lid) from your unsuspecting mother/roomates. Put some gloves on, be responsible and don’t handle H2O2 with your bare hands for the love of god. Put your bone in the stolen container, cover it with hydrogen peroxide and add an equal amount of water. Close the lid, hide the box from your disturbed mother/roomates and wait for about a week. Don’t use a lid that completely seals the container from the outside world, it’ll literally blow the fuck up. Use a slightly loose lid. 

You should leave your morbid witch container be for about a week, but still check up on your bone every other day to see its progress. Higher concentrate hydrogen peroxide has more chances of eating away the bone so keep an eye on it!
It’s been about 48 hours since I soaked the Astragalus I found and so far so good! Will add pics once the whole process is done!

Going back to fresh roadkill and decomposing carcasses: H2O2 does not dissolve soft tissue and flesh, so don’t pick up that shit thinking H2O2 will get rid of it for you. What H2O2 will do to a bone like that is make the soft tissue more loose and easier to remove. It will also sterilize the bone, which is good. 

Now go have fun with your slightly disturbing hobby!

Originally posted by vultureculturecoyote