body by onions

Hierarchy of Ube

“Pizza!” I screamed.

“You’re right,” he said.

“Why!?”

“Just hold on,” he said. “The teacher will explain.”

“Okay!”

And she did explain. The pizza man was going to teach us, step-by-step, how to make a pizza and then the entire class would get to eat it.  

“But I’ll need some help,” he said.

“I’ll help!” I screamed. I needed him to know that I was the main guy. That whatever he needed to shorten the window of time between this very moment and the moment when we were all eating pizza; I was his man.

“Okay, great!”

I hopped up and ran over to the table where the pizza man had rolled out a couple balls of dough.

“First, we have to toss the dough to expand it into the shape of the pizza,” he said. “Watch me.”

And as I watched the dough fly through the air, it dawned on me that the more dough, the larger the pizza, and the larger the pizza, the more for us to eat.

“More dough!” I screamed.

“You need to be careful, okay? Because too much dough is hard to control.”

“Give it!”

Before he could respond, I reached into the Tupperware container and grabbed another large fistful of dough, nearly doubling the amount I had in front of me.

“Okay, do you remember how I…” he started to say, but it was too late. I was already throwing the dough in the air and spinning it into a large disc.

The larger it got, the higher I threw it. Bigger and bigger until it floated above me, blocking the main light in the classroom like an ominous cloud.

“I think that’s enough!” The pizza man looked worried and his concerned face was the last thing I saw before the gigantic glob of dough landed on my head and oozed over every part of my body.

I tried to scream, but the second I opened my mouth, it filled up with dough. I waved my arms wildly like a man on fire because even though I could hear a few muffled screams through the layer of dough that covered my ears, I needed people to know that I wasn’t kidding.

Suddenly, I felt the pizza man’s hands clawing at the dough, but it wasn’t fast enough. In a blind panic, I tried to run, but immediately tripped and landed in a tray of sauce. I barely managed to get to my feet, but as soon as I did, I tripped again and rolled across a table, coating my sauce-covered body in cheese, onions, bacon, and double pepperoni.

“Mrrrawwwww!” I bellowed, staggering towards my horrified classmates. The muffled screams around me felt louder somehow and as I tried to reach them, I tripped again and bellyflopped onto the portable oven the pizza man had warned us was piping hot.

As I rolled around, I could smell the delicious pizza cooking evenly all around me until finally, in a final burst of strength I got to my feet and burst through the door towards the playground.

A week later, after a pack of stray dogs had dragged me into the forest and after I had been told by doctors that I was lucky the dogs had been smart enough to only bite at the pizza and not my body, I was greeted at home by the president of the pizza chain.

“Wow! I screamed.

“Hey there!” he chuckled. “Why, you might be the bravest guy I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you!”

“How would you like to be my official Pizza Deputy?” he asked.

“Wow, really!?”

I nearly died right there from excitement. He explained that all I had to do was sign a few legal forms and I’d be his first and only Pizza Deputy. Of course I signed it right away and when he left, I told my dad all about it.

“Are you crazy?!” My dad jumped up and punched the wall. “What did you sign? God damn it! Oh for fuck’s sakes, I need to call the lawyer.”

And what I found out later was that the lawyer confirmed it: we had no case as long as I signed the forms. But still: I was the Pizza Deputy.

****************************************************************************************************

“The what?” asked the cashier, months later when I was healed enough to ride my bike to the pizza place. He looked tired.

“The Pizza Deputy.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

He walked back to the manager and I listened as he explained it.

Cashier: “He keeps saying Pizza Deputy.”

Manager: “Dude, I don’t know. We’re busy.”

Cashier: “So then what should I tell him?”

Manager: “Just give him a free refill.”

I couldn’t believe my ears: it was all true. I really was the Pizza Deputy!!

6

Portal + The Onion headlines, part 1

I’m sure this has been done before, but I’m new here and these are so much fun, so here you go. Unless I’m stealing someone else’s thunder, there’s more where these come from. :)

UPDATE: [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4: PS:M Edition] [Part 5: Rattmann Week Edition]

Imagine your Boggart turning into Shrek so you fire a ridiculus spell at it and Shrek’s skin starts PeELING LIKE AN ONION
and that’s scary as fuck so you fire the spell again and Shrek’s skin keEPS PEELING AND ALL STAR BY SMASH MOUTH STARTS PLAYING AND SHREK IS RUNNING AROUND YELLING “I’M AN OGRE!!!!”

3

On 20 January 2009 19 years old Maxim Glavatskih (first picture) and Yuri Mozhnov (second picture) drowned in a bath 16 years old Karina Buduchyan who was in love with Maxim. After killing the girl Glavatskih and Mozhnov dismembered her body, cooked some of the body parts with onion and potatoes and ate them. Maxim Glavatskih and Yuri Mozhnov considered themselves to be Goths and believed that every true Goth should eat human flesh. They planned the crime for a long time. Yuri Mozhnov was sentenced to 18 years of imprisonment, Maxim Glavatskih received 19 years sentence.

Because this is my first time functioning as a human, I scrambled to finish a thing for a scholarship due tomorrow only to find I have to physically mail it so I guess that’s a failure and I did this for nothing but at least it’s cute life is pain dont go to college kids just become a hermit and eat wild onions

What we learned from “The New Lars”


-Steven can basically possess people like he can with his melon children
-Lars is a piece of garbage and I love him so much
-Steven ships lars and sadie so hard man, and thinks he will be the uncle to their future child(ren)
-Lars suppresses his emotions, which is relatable man
-Lars sleeps naked
-Steven wanted to protect Lars’ privacy and just put on clothes as soon as he woke up, which is something not a lot of people would do if they swapped bodies with someone
-Lars lives in the attic of his parents house, at his request
-His real name is Laramie and he is a very bad student since he puts in little to no effort
-His dad’s name is Dante, his moms is Martha, and also his parents are so sheepish and cute like I feel lars just pushes them around
-Steven doesn’t understand the public school grading system
-His parents keep all of his childhood art in picture frames on their wall
-His mom got him plugs with hearts in them thats so cute man
-Lars likes to swear
-Lars is so god damn lanky
-Steven in lars body freaked onion out man thats the first time I saw him uncomfortable
-The cool kids genuinely like steven and are more like sleeping tigers
-Steven being nice as lars is really out of character
-Lars is 100% a tsundere
-The cool kids saying “maybe lars is actually a good guy who likes making people feel good”, so they basically see actual lars as the inverse of that
-Buck Dewey has a dance crew
-Steven/lars got some sick dance moves
-”Well if it aint the human boomerang, always coming back to me”
-Sadie lounges around in a robe and bunny slippers
-Honestly sadie you could do better than lars, thats a fact
-Sadie uses a pile of stuffed animals as a bean bag chair
-Sadie likes horror/slasher fics
-”And you love me? Even like this?”, Oh my god this is crying breakfast friends all over again huh
-Omg sadie, the feels man you’re so good dont let lars tell u otherwise
-Steven is really messing things up man, like boy
-”Lars would never apologize to me” Sadie girl thats hella sad like I know you really like Lars, but come on sadie
-The cool kids literally don’t even know Sadie’s name, they call her “donut girl”, which like I can understand because they’re not really in the same friend group, but come on you guys live in a city with a population of like 20
-Lars’ parents are okay with stalking him
-SADIE CAN BUST A DOOR IN HALF WITH HER FOOT
-Lars’ parents are basically just waiting for their trash son to be a terrible person, gotta set those expectations low man
-Wow so many humans are in the temple house omg
-Steven’s powers are only a one way street, so he literally just possessed lars
-Okay but Lars has every right to be angry tho? Like I know steven was just trying to help, but like boy you cant just cross a line like that??
-The cool kids trying to protect Steven was really nice, but like I feel steven kinda just destroyed whatever friendship them and lars had
-Buck’s dance crew came home with a silver trophy
-Lars has actual feelings for sadie, and even though he is still a trash boy, I really hope that relationship can work because I fell sadie can bring out the best in him
-Lars and Sadie’s relationship and friendship is very complex and sort of messed up, but if Steven ships it then so do I tbh

youtube

Prosthetic Arms-n-Clawz… the body powered onion chop

A proper diet is very important in times of plague. Here is a list of foods that should be avoided at all costs:

  • Fruit (expect for pomegranates, prunes, sour cherries, quinces and pears)
  • Rye Bread (generates “great moisture”)
  • Any bread that isn’t pure wheat and 1-2 days old
  • Eggs (“in the Summer not good, but in Winter tolerable”)
  • Milk
  • “Beef, Pork, Venison, Hare and Goats flesh is to be refused, and so are all water fowls, as Duck, Swan, Goose, Widgen, Teal, and such like, because they are hard to digest, and do increase ill blood, and naughtie juyce in the bodie.”
  • Garlic, onions, leeks, pepper and mustard (“over-heat the body, and cause fumes to ascend into the head.”)
  • Fresh Beer (Stale beer is of course very healthy and should be drunk at all times.)

Okay but all joking aside Onion is actually a really great example of children misinterpreting mental illness and developmental disorders (particularly Autism in this case) as malicious or creepy. We know steven doesn’t have a cruel bone in his body but he doesn’t understand Onion and that scares him. In his experience, strange things have often been enemies or otherwise harmful, so he categorized Onion in with that. But by the end of the episode, he’s gotten closer to recognizing that Onion isn’t malicious, merely different. In fact, onion has probably been trying to reach out to steven, given Vidalia’s account of how often Onion speaks fondly of steven. I hope they go further into that relationship and steven evolving to understand onion instead of demonizing him.