Tmurno jutro, budim se.Već u glavi pravim pregled dana koji me čeka. Pitaju danas. Sve. Već mi je loše. Ne ide mi se, ali znam da moram. Njega već dugo nisam vidjela, pomislih neću ni danas.
Obukoh se standardno, klošarski, i preko neku bratovu jaknu. Hladno je, morala sam. U busu sam prespavala, znam da ću se probuditi na vrijeme.
Nisam ovaj put, prespavala sam dvije stanice, pa se vratih trolom do škole. Nije tako uobičajeno za mene. Izbjegavam taj prevoz i ljude. Jednostavno ih mrzim, i podsjećaju me, znate, na njega. Buka, galama, i u stvarnosti i u mislima me izluđuje. Ne mogu više. Ne ide mi se u školu. Znam da će biti isto:“Nisam spremna” i kec u dnevnik. Ne treba mi to, odličan sam učenik.
Izlazeći iz trole biram broj. Zvoni.
Odogovor sa druge strane. Poznat glas, nimalo drag.
“E brate, ja sam. Je li imaš, hitno je?”
“Hej, pa gdje si ti? Znaš mene, toga nikad ne nestaje. Šta je bilo?”
“Nije za priče, zna..”
“Uvijek ista priča kod tebe. Ma nebitno, poželio sam te, znaš.”- prekinuo me i već počeo da nervira.
“E, stvarno mi je hitno, a znaš da ne volim ovo odugovlačenje. Ako imaš, standardno ponesi, čekat ću te na starom mjestu. Stižeš za 10?” već agresivno sam počela davati odgovor.
“Oke,oke. Smiri se. Važi.”
Čekam u parku. Prolaze ljudi. Čudno me gledaju. Shvatih i zašto; jedina sjedim. Prilazi mi već poznata figura. On. Koliko se već nismo vidjeli? Koliko je prošlo od zadnjeg puta? Nebitno, i dalje, na svaki pogled, počinjem da se ježim. Ne podnosim ga, ali treba mi.
“Evo, moja djevojčice.”
“Koliko ti puta moram reći da nisam tvoja niti sam bila. I hvala, evo p…”
“Neka, ja častim. Red je. Samo, čuvaj se.”
Zagrljaj. Nisam se odupirala ovaj put, trebalo mi je.
Pogledam kesicu. Ima dovoljno za tri. Sve je stavio.
Svraćam u obližnji market, poznatu policu. Votka. Ma može. Uzmem i čips. Na kasi ugledam i cigare, uzmem i njih.
Kontam, odakle mi ovolike pare. Nevažno.
Krenem put škole, svejedno, u nadi da ću i njega sresti. Nastava mu ubrzo počinje, znam.
Nema ga. Skrećem. Tu je obrušena zgrada. Ulazim. Prazno i hladno. Sjedam na prozor, naslonjena na stub. Stavljam slušalice, motam prvi i odvrćem flašu. Ne mogu, moram prvo cigaru. Bajagina tišina svira. Prvi dim, sklapam oči. On u mislima. Ne mogu. Previše mi je. Naginjem. Već prvim gutljajem ispila sam trećinu boce. Boli me, znači.
Gasim cigaru, palim džoint. Premotavam film na dan kada sam ga srela.
Sjećam se, plašila sam se tog mišićavog dječaka. “Ufuran” mi je bila prva pomisao. Iz dana u dan, počeo me taj misteriozni lik interesovati. Omaklo mi se. Jebiga. Prva suza i drugi gutljaj, manji. Peče me u grlu. Muti mi se u glavi. Misli su jače, brže.
Primjetih da sam ispušila. Vidim da je drugi već smotan. Palim. Počinjem da se smijem našem upoznavanju. Nije to onaj smijeh kada ti je nešto smiješto. Više je bio onaj nostalgičan. Ne mogu. Volim ga. Ne voli me. Boli me. Ne mogu drugim riječima da opišem. Plačem. Vrištim. Jecam.
Ozbiljno počinjem misliti da skočim. Nož. Sjetih se da imam nož u ruksaku. Vadim ga ispijajući posljednji gutljaj votke. Tresu mi se ruke. Čujem glasove u pozadini, i onaj jedan, dobro poznat, meni mnogo drag. Haluciniram. Ok. “Koji sam ja idiot”-zavraćam rukav i krećem prema veni. Magla. Ne vidim ništa.
“NEEE!!!” čujem vrisak i korake. Neko mi otima nož i privlači me k sebi. Suze. Zatvaram oči. Naša priča mi pred očima. Jecaj. Čujem žamor. Osjetim zagrljaj i dobro poznat parfem. Otvaram oči. On. Haluciniram, pomislih.
“Što ti je to trebalo? Niko nije vrijedan tvojih suza, kamo li krvi.”
Pokušavam sakriti pogled, suze, i uputiti osmijeh. Blagi, onaj što pati. Ličio je na onaj njegov.
Prislanja me na svoje grudi, jače grli. Srce me steže. Čujem mu, polusvjesna, otkucaje srca. Shvatih da me smiruju. Zažmirih i prestadoh da se sjećam, pamteći trenutak.
Ne sjećam se dalje, mada se i ovoga sjećam kroz maglu.
Prošlo je sedam dana. Strašnih sedam dana.
Posjetila sam od tog dana i ljekare i psihologe i socijalne radnike i terapeute, mada, meni je to isto. Razgovor i ništa više. Tada sam se najviše osjaćala usamljeno. Bez ikoga.
Niko da me se sjeti. Nadala sam da će bar on, i ko je već s njim bio.
Ulazim ovaj put sramežljivo u hol škole. Graja. Buka. Ne smetaju mi više. Trgnu me iz misli, sjećanja. Dobro dođu.
Čudni pogledi me prate.
Ja nisam nikome rekla, znam. Nisu ni moji.
Tražim ga. Ovaj put sam ljuta. Ispunjena mržnjom. Vidim leđa, hod. On je. Znam ga predobro. Stavljam mu ruku na rame.Trže se.
“A, to si ti. Kako si?” - tiho me upita, sramežljivo spuštajući glavu.
“Nebitno je to. Kome si rekao? Svi znaju, vidim kako gledaju.” - raja se okreće. Shvatih da vičem.
“Izvini, ajde ovamo, gdje nema raje.” rekoh poluglasno i sklonusmo se.
Uvidjeh da ga je strah.
“Vidi, nisam nikome rekao ništa. Znaš da čuvam tajne. Onu tvoju i dalje cuvam, iako mi je nisi rekla.” i uzdah. Nakratko me pogleda i spusti pogled.
“Znam zbog čega je bilo, izvini. Mogao sam dosta učiniti, ali nisam znao kako. Ni sada ne znam. Nikome nisam o…”
“Za divno čudo da si shvatio šta se dešava. Ne možeš sada ništa. Gotovo je, svejedno. Samo.. zašto me gledaju ovako?”
“Blijeda si..” reče krečući rukom na moje obraze. Izmakla sam se.
“Izvini, ne mogu…” suze su mi navrle i otrčala sam u toalet.
Pogledah se u ogledalo. Zaista jesam blijeda, i čupava.
Nije rekao. Ok. Samo izgledam bolesno. To je sve.
“Smrt je zaista lahka” šapatom progovorih gledajući sebe u odrazu.
“Sreća pa nemam zbog koga umrijeti, a živim zbog sebe.”
Zaista, nisam se više obazirala na njega. Mnogi su došli poslije. Bila sam sretna. Sretna sam i sada.
Znate, on je znao dvije tajne.
Prvu, da ga volim. I drugu, o tom danu.
Čuvao ih je, onako kako se čuva neko do koga ti je stalo.
Rekla mi je da će me čekati. I čekala je. Čekala je, a ja nisam dolazio. Čekala je tiho, nije prigovarala, a trebala je. Čekala je sjedeći doma noćima grleći jastuke, a ja sam negdje grlio boce, drugove i žene. Čekala je odgovore na moje poruke, a ja pisao drugima. Čekala je da se smirim, da poželim opet tišinu i njenu glavu na mom ramenu. Čekala je, a ja i dalje nisam dolazio. I onda jednog dana ona je prestala da čeka. Nije me više spominjala, nije me više pronalazila u pjesmama, u licima koja joj dolaze u susret. Nisam nikad otkrio kad je točno prestala da čeka. Samo sam se jednom osvrnuo, a nje nije bilo tu. Otišla je tiho kao što je i čekala. Bez suza, bez napada, bez vike, bez dernjave i vriska “zašto me ne voliš?”. Otišla je s malo dostojanstva koje je uspjela sačuvati nakon što je čekala vječnog dječaka, pijanca i ženskara.
ben has perfect handwritting all the time and always sits with his legs crossed or up on the chair in front of him.always uses gel pens
toby frequently skips class and is the kid who throws the ball to hard in gym. he actually loves gym he can just throw himself around and never get hurt (or at least feel it)
Jeff is the fuck who vapes in the bathroom and eats chips in the middle of algebra. his locker is full of mold because of a monster drink he spilt in september
liu plays tennis and is in honors classes and has mostly girl friends. He just minds his own business and gets his work done. also valedictorian
ej is def in year book always has a camera on him. his favorite class is history because its like story time for teenagers. eats lunch in the nurses office because its too loud in the cafeteria
laughing jack is the kid in band who specifically after the band instructor said be careful or you might fall off the stage, falls off the stage. Not on purpose but because he fell asleep (this really happened once)
Jane has a squad of lesbians who wear skirts too short and see through shirts. She started the feminist wave at her school and she owns it tbh
otis skips every class that isn’t art. always in the art room.
at my school we have this thing called boces where you get to take a bus to a different school and take special classes according to your career. yeah dina does that for law.
Tim doesn’t know whats going on hes asleep and copies hoodies work (but he likes science)
hoody is also an A+ honors student super smart super quiet and also secretly good at art
mitsuko buys all her clothes from Japanese etsy stores and is really smol and gentle. ikd why but I really just like mitsuko and liu being buds and stuff
How did you get into the mermaid business? Was it easy ? (Cuz that seems like the most amazing job ever)
First I got a tail and a shell bra - pretty basic mermaid starting kit stuff. I then needed to get a license (because you can’t just go out and do mermaid birthday parties, that’s illegal in the U.S.A.) In my state, New York, you can either get a performer’s license or a DBA (doing business as) - I have a DBA. Not every state in the U.S.A. has a DBA. (You need to look at your states government website.) Then you need an insurance because if a client doesn’t have a pool at their home and needs to book a place, the place doesn’t want to be responsible if something bad happens to you or children - you need liability insurance (LIFE INSURANCE DOES NOT COUNT). I think getting the DBA was the easiest part.
Being professional can be very, very difficult. Once you get a tail and get a website and you make business/post cards that doesn’t mean everyone is knocking on your door booking you for parties. You’re going to put in A LOT more money going into this than you will be making out of it in the first few years. I know mermaids with full silicone tails, going in the ocean and taking stunning underwater pictures, doing photoshoots with other mermaids and have never been hired for any type of event where they are getting paid. I feel very lucky because in my state, there’s another professional mermaid but she is very far from me so we aren’t competition to each other and some clients that want to book her are a lot more closer to me than they are to her so she sends them over to me and that’s how I’ve gotten some of my gigs. I also have a background in child education which is very good to have (people in high school - if your school does a BOCES program with child education or a child education program in high school and are strongly considering becoming a professional mermaid - TAKE THIS CLASS!), I got to learn what goes into educating a child and I actually got to work with children and I actually had to do “classes” and teach them. I wasn’t really the best with children and taking this class was very helpful for me. You’ll also be in a tail for an hour, maybe more, so make sure you’re fit, my tail weighs about 20lbs in the water, I do float up but I’m constantly moving around so I want to be able to swim around for a few hours without my legs hurting and me feeling exhausted. There’s also potiental “mermaid rides” where kids hold onto your shoulders and you swim on the surface and swim from one side of the pool to the other. Mermaid rides can be very tiring, I think I did 50 in a row with no break to 20 kids - I was so exhausted. There’s also tail maintence, just because you buy a tail doesn’t mean it’s going to be perfect forever. I’m very rough in my tail and I shouldn’t be, but the heels on my tail and the backside the paint has come off, I got advice from another mermaid to buy silicone and eyeshadow the color of my tail and mix it together and paint it on the spots the paint is gone - very helpful. You also have to wash your tail, it can smell very bad sometimes after using it - I use vinegar to wash my tail, and you should hang your tail upside down (fluke up) so the water drips out of the tail and dries it, or you can use a blow dryer (use cold air), I’ve seen mermaids use pull up bars you can in your house to hold their tail upside down or putting up coat hooks.
Promotion - Business cards and post cards are very good to hand out, I definitely spent over $100 on cards. I put my cards all over the place, mostly food stores like Stop & Shop, A&P, Hannafords (i think those are all mostly New England food stores). I did a free meet & greet in Newburgh, New York for the Art About Water event, I handed out booklets about pollution in the water and how to prevent pollution, along with the booklets I also had my post cards in the booklets and I handed everyone a shell. My Uncle also owns a company so he gives my cards to his clients. I’ve also met the Mayor of Bedford Hills (I think it was the mayor or someone who worked with him) at a restaurant because I have family in Bedford Hills so I talked to him about my mermaid job, gave him my card, and we talked about local parks and celebrations there and I said I’d be open to doing a meet & greet or something there. There’s also mermaid meet up, most of the meet ups are in Coney Island so I go there a lot and hand out cards and take pictures with people. There’s also tumblr, facebook, instagram, youtube, those are very good sites for social media to get your name out.
There’s also things you need to consider. Do you have a mertender/merwrangler? That is someone who is with you at events, they are there to help you. You want to keep the magic alive so you can’t show up at a party or event and put your tail on infront of your little clients so you put your tail on somewhere hidden and you have your mertender/merwrangler pick you up and carry you (I’ve recently aqcuired a wheelchair so no one has to carry me anymore). It’s best to have someone you know with you because you can trust them, having a stranger off Craigslist you never know what you’re going to get. You don’t need to have the same mertender/merwrangler at every event, I don’t. You can ask your client that you may need additional help because you don’t have a mertender/merwrangler, I, personally, don’t feel like that’s professional, that’s just me, I know other mermaids have done it and that’s their business so I don’t get to have an opinion on them. Do you have transportation? People that live in cities, for example, New York City or Brooklyn, mermaids are able to take trains and subways or taxis to get around. I live in the suburbs so I have my own car. Just make sure you have a way of getting to your event. Do you know what to do? Do you know what to bring when doing an event? Do you kinda have ideas what to do at an event? I suggest watching videos of professional mermaids on youtube and see what they do. Mernetwork is also a forum site for mermaids with tons of answers to any question you may have. Do you have tattoos or piercings? Some clients may not want their mermaid to have tattoos or piercings. I have 5 tattoos, one is on my leg so my tail covers it, I have one my waist and luckily my tail covers it, I have 2 behind my ear my hair covers it but one time while I was in water giving mermaid rides a child called me out on it and I giggled and talked about something else, I have a tattoo on my wrist, I have a big shell bracelet to cover it up, I do have back up stories if someone does ask about how mermaids have tattoos. I also have a hell of a lot of piercings, mostly on my face. I have a dermal anchor implant for an anti-eyebrow, I cannot take that out unless it’s surgically removed, my implant is a clear gem so it looks like I stuck a gem under my eye so I’m good there, I have a lip piercing and 2 nose studs on my left nostril - I do take those out at parties, I also have clear jewelry that I may or may not put in depending on how I feel. You may have a client who doesn’t want a mermaid with tattoos or piercings (I don’t know what people’s problems are with it, I can see how it doesn’t look very magical but I mostly take out my nose studs and cover my wrist tattoo but I have done gigs where I didn’t take anything out or cover anything and have never gotten a complaint.) I know a lot of people with tattoos and piercings that keep everything in and don’t cover any and they still get TONS of gigs. So you can do whatever you feel most comfortable with.
If you want to go for aquarium jobs (which I’ve never done but have put in research into it because I want to do aquariums in the future when I feel ready), the best things to put on your resume is that you have done dance lessons (preferably ballet), CPR classes (which is good to have anyways whether you’re an aquarium mermaid or a birthday party mermaid), scuba diving lessons, a good breath hold, and knowing how to swim in a tail already (having your own tail can be a plus - you don’t have to have your own tail, some places will give you tails that they already have but if they don’t have your size they may not consider you because they either don’t want to spend the money or a tail can take 2 - 3 months to create just for you and they want someone now). I know someone who got interviewed for an aquarium job, she had a tattoo on her upper body, very visible, she did not get the job. Unfortunately, that’s a reality at some places. Disney won’t hire people with visible tattoos and some aquariums won’t hire you with visible tattoos. It really sucks but it happens. There is very strong waterproof makeup and tattoo cover up, I’ve never used it but when I do plan to try out for an aquarium job I plan to cover myself during my interview and during my performances.
Professional mermaiding is hard work, it isn’t “I got a tail now I’m going to go play mermaid”. You need to be professional with your persona, with your clients, at your events. You need to be fit for your tail, you’re tail is going to weigh a lot in water and it’s bound on your legs for a few hours - you’re going to need to be able to hold that tail up, constantly swimming, with a smile on your face and not a yawn from being tired or a tear from your legs hurting. You may not be getting gigs your first year of being licensed or not even your second year, getting gigs will be a lot of work, you may even need to do free gigs to get a clientelle worked up. You may be putting in a lot more money going into it than you will be getting your money back from it. You may struggle a lot and feel “I can’t do this” but I’ll let you know now, once you get your first gig, you will feel so great about yourself, you did it, you got your first gig, you did it.
It’s been a difficult journey, all my hard work, it’s been worth it.
“Rekla mi je da ce me čekati. I čekala je. Čekala je, a ja nisam dolazio. Čekala je tiho, nije prigovarala, a trebala je. Čekala je sjedeći doma noćima grleći jastuke, a ja sam negdje grlio boce, drugove i zene.Čekala je odgovore na moje poruke, a ja pisao drugima. Čekala je da se smirim, da poželim opet tišinu i njenu glavu na mom ramenu. Čekala je, a ja i dalje nisam dolazio. I onda jednom dana ona je prestala da čeka. Nije me više spominjala, nije me više pronalazila u pjesmama, u licima koja joj dolaze u susret. Nisam nikad otkrio kad je točno prestala da čeka. Samo sam se jednom osvrnuo, a nje nije bilo tu. Otišla je tiho kao sto je i čekala. Bez suza, bez napada, bez vike, bez dernjave i vriska : “Zašto me ne voliš?” Otišla je s malo dostojanstva koje je uspjela sačuvati nakon sto je čekala vječnog dječaka, pijanca i ženskara.“
okay i’ve seen a few people now saying that it’s offensive that the lesbian island in that fic is called the isle of lesbos because “lesbo” is derogatory and i think you will benefit from knowing that there’s an actual island in greece called lesbos (pronounced lez-boce or lez-boss). it’s where sappho was born and where the word lesbian comes from. it’s not the isle of plural-of-lesbo. i hope this info improves your day
Lako meni za mišiće i snažne muškarce .Istina je tražim snažnog, ali u nekom drugom pogledu . Meni je najbitniji samo jedan mišić- srce .Želim snažnog-i ne to nije onaj koji umije da podigne kauč, moju debelu stražnjicu ili slično. Meni je muškarac najsnažniji kad mi pridrži vrata, kad mi otvori teglu ili odvrne čep neke boce s kojim se mogu satima mučiti. Tražim snažnog-onog koji umije da nosi moj teret , onog jakog kojeg nije strah ljubavi.
Do you think the euphemism treadmill has stopped? I haven't seen "intellectually disabled" catch on as a slur.
To I soon to tell but I doubt it.
A friend recounted to me how they made a special ed division called BOCES and before you knew it, the nondisabled kids had invented a new insult – BOCES-tard.
I heard a train wreck of this sort on NPR once, too. A reporter referred to Republicans as retarded. Then when she realized she’d said something insulting, she missed the boat entirely: “Oh you know I meant developmentally disabled? Mentally challenged? Intellectually disabled?”
She got she’d said something wetting but thought it was the words, not the underlying bigotry that would let her use those things as an insult.
Also I think children are the best gauge of whether something has become an insult or not.