psa from ur friendly neighborhood emergency call girl
happy memorial day weekend, i hope it rains a bunch and nobody can go on the water bc it seems like all beach/lake/etc-based Holiday Funnin’ ends in everyone trying to like die in inner tube mishaps or get in drunken boat fights with passing watercrafts, which makes my job extremely terrible and annoying.
stop!! stop it!
when you’re cracking your 19th smirnoff ice and thinking idly about trying out the children’s-only water trampoline or hassling a dolphin, think instead about me, and how an equally wasted person will be screaming descriptions of your mangled body at me 15 minutes later, and how much of a bummer that will be for me, because “middle of the ocean” does not map right on my computer and it just becomes a whole thing.