Where do you live in the US? Would you let a little on here come to visit you or if they were in town would you have dinner or tea with them? ✨
MISTER 101 - Transparency in effect
This has been a rather interesting topic in therapy lately… anyone who has been around here long enough knows the struggles I face with my anxiety, agoraphobia and paranoia complex. And its a real shame that when someone who doesnt know better hears “agoraphobia” and thinks that youre some kind of unabomber type, held up in a cabin with the windows boarded up.
thats simply not true.
it comes in all forms.. and mine is acute, mainly dealing with overcrowded places, situations I cannot control, things that are unfamiliar to me, being surrounded by people, etc… I go places (certain places) at least, just fine.
My new therapist has been working above and beyond his means to both help me and get to a point where I wont need him anymore. Thats the goal, as its always been.
A hot topic lately is me “getting back out there”
Its been a long time since I have been able to truly be myself, (years) with a little or sub, etc. years since i have been touched in an intimate way that wasnt a condolence over death or simple family expressions. Years since I have stood in front of someone with my belt wrapped in my hands, or rope.. or even just the feeling of being dominant over someone who willingly gave their submission to me.
And as such, and in order to see the limits to which I could get to.. my therapist did a cognitive regression test kind of thing on me. He is convinced that if I could find someone within the lifestyle who I can relate to, meet and perhaps even engage in scene with… it may do a number of things, including triggering me back to a time before the issues took hold and maybe even waking that part of me back up enough to keep me there and essentially…”cure” me.
Now, these are long term goals… but recently ive been working hard on the baby steps so to speak.
baby steps that would bring me to a place where I could actually leave the safe zone around my house, venture out to somewhere, and meet with someone… even if for an hour at the least… and I think I am ready for that.
So to answer your question... yes, I would. but that person would need to be incredibly patient with me, understand my limits… and also understand that I may be able to stay an hour.. I may only be able to stay a few minutes. It may be in a park, and it may need to be in a hotel room. Noone is allowed in my house, and in the last handful of years only my therapist and brother have been allowed in for short amounts of time. Otherwise, its been… emergency situations.
I dont even get my mail here. I dont even keep my ringer on… my groceries get delivered and left on my porch. Its all incredibly taxing… its all incredibly complicated.
So appropriations must be made…
Whether its just a cup of coffee or waxing philosophy… it would be a great pleasure to meet with someone who I could truly be myself with… but the road to getting there isnt just a hop and a skip, its a journey… and one that some days i feel absolutely ready for, and others I feel like running away from.