blue maple

Hockey Penalties and other phrases

  • Too many men = too much man.
  • Icing = skate too slow, team too tired
  • “Play is under review” = 4 blind men didn’t see the play and now will spend 15 minutes trying to revive their eyesight.
  • Off-sides = skate too fast, no goal for you, dumb af
  • High sticking = stick to yourself, no one wants your stick in their face.
  • Goaltender Interference = no idea, such bullshit.
  • Roughing = too touch, much bad touch
  • Game Misconduct = very bad touch
  • Fighting = slight scuffle, mostly hugs.
NHL regular season 2016-17

Arizona Coyotes & Buffalo Sabres

Boston Bruins

Chicago Blackhawks

Colorado Avalanche

Columbus Blue Jackets

Dallas Stars

Edmonton Oilers

Florida Panthers

Montreal Canadiens

Philadelphia Flyers

Pittsburgh Penguins

San Jose Sharks

Toronto Maple Leafs

Vancouver Canucks

Washington Capitals

Winnipeg Jets

Hockey Phrase Definitions

  • Assist = I gotchu boo, have a goal
  • Blew a tire = ice much slippery
  • Boarding = wall for safe, not for face.
  • Breakaway = quick like a bunny
  • Chirping = much insult
  • Crashing the net = up close and personal, goalie edition
  • Delay of game = dumb
  • Dropping the gloves = gloves off, better for hugs
  • Empty net goal = participation award
  • Flow = to the fella over there with the hella good hair
  • Goaltender = marshmellow optimus prime
  • Holding = now is not the time for hug
  • Icing = belongs on cakes, not in sports
  • Jock strap = under the butt nut hut
  • Line brawl = much hugs
  • One timer = couldn’t do that again if I tried
  • Own goal = woo goal for the other team
  • Penalty box = pout place
  • Referee = not Denis Widemans friend 🐸🍵
  • Spearing = hockey players are not hot dogs
When you have your main teams you support but you also love specific players in the other teams and because you love them you kinda love their team too, so you're stuck loving all the teams like the hoe that you are

Thoughts of a Hockey Penalty Box Attendant

  • ‘Get a job in the NHL they said, it’ll be fun they said, fuckin’ lied though didn’t they.’
  • 'Here comes our first prisone–I mean player.’
  • 'Why do you guys have to hit the glass with your sticks? Why? You could poke an eye out.’
  • 'Oh no, no no no, not the camera– damnit, we just got a new one.’
  • 'How many times is this guy gonna get a penalty.’
  • 'Oh great, here comes another one. Joy.’
  • 'Okay guys, I’m running out of roo- okay honestly, I have no where to sit now.’
  • 'Ew, I just stepped in some sort of bodily fluid.’
  • 'Just once I’d like to see a fan come in the box circa Tie Domi. Just once.’
  • 'It’s a good thing there’s no hot mics in here. A sailor would blush after hearing some of this shit.’
  • 'Can–can you not try to continue the fight while in the pout palace? You’re basically in a glass case of emotion and no one can hear you but me.’
  • 'I will either go deaf from players yelling or fans. Probs both.’
  • 'I am the keeper of the bad children and I alone can release them from their prison.’

NHL Coach Lingo

  • “Day-to-day” = damnit man, I’m a coach not a doctor.
  • “Lower body injury” = could be a toe, could be a knee, could be the groin, could be diarrhea.
  • “We’re not worried” = we’re losing but I can’t very well say ‘we’re boned’ on TV.
  • When asked how they plan on scoring: “uh, you know, we’re just gonna hockey harder than the other team and hope hockey happens. We can play hockey but we need to play hockier hockey.”
  • “We lost because we didn’t score” = I’m literally only here so I won’t get fined.
  • “We lost but there’s another game so we just have to play” = boys are bag skating tomorrow, nothing but bag skating.
  • After getting interviewed by Pierre McGuire: “I would love to stuff that mic up your nose.”
  • “We just need to bring our A game” = I’m literally just gonna be praying to the hockey God’s the whole game.
HOCKEY PLAYERS LOOKING SO DAMN FUCKING FINE LIKE BITCH WHAT THE FUCK THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. LIKE TAKE YOU AND YOUR FUCKING GOLD CHAIN THAT PEAKS OUT OF YOUR JERSEY AND GIVE ME A SECOND TO TAKE A DEEP BREATHE, SIT DOWN AND SIP SOME WATER BEFORE I FUCKING HYPERVENTILATE FROM YOUR STUPID GOOD LOOKING FACE AND BODY AND FUCKING GREAT PERSONALITY THAT HAS STUPID ASS TENDENCIES. LIKE GET OUT OF HERE AND GIVE ME A SECOND TO FUCKING BREATHE FUCKING HELL.