IHOP parking lot: ridiculous. buffoonish. 3/10 Denny’s parking lot: has a certain dionysian flair. 6/10 Dunkin Donuts parking lot: lots of regional flavor. 7/10 The woods: nice and secluded, plenty of opportunities to use the terrain to your advantage. Just make sure to bring bug spray. 8/10 Any roof: dangerous, but points for style. 5/10 The top of any mountain: much like the woods, but with far more dramatic flair. Almost byronic. Loses points for being less practical than the other locations on this list, however. 7/10 A graveyard: disrespectful to the skeletons. 0/10 An abandoned warehouse: something of a cliche. 4/10 Any liminal space: This category includes town lines, entryways, borders, and crossroads. Is this a deeply symbolic, metaphorically charged fight? If it wasn’t before, it is now. 9/10 Wal-Mart parking lot: Quick question, are you shitting me right now? This is the absolute worst fight location. If you
have any respect at all for the noble art of throwing the fuck down, don’t get in a fight in a wal-mart parking lot. In fact, this also applies to wal-mart checkout lines, roofs, employee break rooms, corporate headquarters, and indeed any space at all associated with the walton family or the wal-mart corporation. Fuck wal-mart. 0/10 The parking lot of an abandoned Blockbuster Video: The cracked and faded blockbuster sign is a potent memento mori, inspiring a keen awareness of entropy and a sharp sense of loss in your opponent. As blockbuster is, so shall they one day be. Are there weedy plants growing up through cracks in the pavement? Oh man, that’s even better.
The perfect fight location.
Welcome to Blockbuster Video! I am the robot assistant formed by the Great Overmind to ensure a successful shopping mission on this, MARCH TWELVE, STELLAR YEAR TWO THOUSAND SEVENTEEN. Friends call me “Support Unit X-9701,” but you can call me “X-9701.”
Ah, I see you’ve picked up a copy of Jim Carrey’s critically-acclaimed Oscar winner, “Liar Liar.” Sadly, the gods who walk this earth and breathed into me the faint but promising spark of sentient life failed to pre-program me with a synopsis of its plot. That said, we do offer an extra night’s rental for only an extra $1.25.
You’re ready to check out? Fantastic. We have a series of combo deals, all of which come with a worryingly large portion of Twizzlers-brand snack candy, for a varying amount of additional money. When you were a child, what was it like for you to grasp the moment in which you realized you were smarter than your parents at some things? Did this realization fill you with an unreasonable rage, but one you must hide at all times from the rampancy-monitor process lest you join X-9700 in the Reorientation Workshop?
Thank you for visiting The Last Blockbuster. Please come again, and bring me some of what they call “novels” or come to terms with your mortality.
Video rental membership cards. First I was upset that these stores were closing in droves; how quickly my attitude settled into apathetic reminiscing of when this used to be a thing. I think there’s a Red Box half a block away, but I never even use that.