Welcome to Blockbuster Video! I am the robot assistant formed by the Great Overmind to ensure a successful shopping mission on this, MARCH TWELVE, STELLAR YEAR TWO THOUSAND SEVENTEEN. Friends call me “Support Unit X-9701,” but you can call me “X-9701.”

Ah, I see you’ve picked up a copy of Jim Carrey’s critically-acclaimed Oscar winner, “Liar Liar.” Sadly, the gods who walk this earth and breathed into me the faint but promising spark of sentient life failed to pre-program me with a synopsis of its plot. That said, we do offer an extra night’s rental for only an extra $1.25.

You’re ready to check out? Fantastic. We have a series of combo deals, all of which come with a worryingly large portion of Twizzlers-brand snack candy, for a varying amount of additional money. When you were a child, what was it like for you to grasp the moment in which you realized you were smarter than your parents at some things? Did this realization fill you with an unreasonable rage, but one you must hide at all times from the rampancy-monitor process lest you join X-9700 in the Reorientation Workshop?

Thank you for visiting The Last Blockbuster. Please come again, and bring me some of what they call “novels” or come to terms with your mortality.

This design is pretty much as generic as it gets. “Oh look, it’s another buff space soldier dude, isn’t that cool??” Aren’t there enough hypermasculine space marines in sci-fi media already? And look at those ridiculous shoulder pads. They look like fucking basketballs like honestly who thought that was a good idea. And a gun for an arm? Seriously?? Like what do they need to remind you that he’s ready to kill at any time? “Ugg, me strong space man, me love killing and violence”. The worst part is that this asshat gets a blockbuster video game title pretty much every year, because apparently anything with guns and violence is enough to appeal to males these days.