blendedshadows

strange beauty

Apparently my conceptions of beauty are dark and strange, according to some of my friends.

Once, at a frozen yogurt shop, I noticed that the floor was beautiful. It was a light eggshell-blue color, perfectly smooth, yet filled with texture. There were veins of turquoise, and clouds of lavender. Moreover, the sun was shining through the windows, and casting my shadow on the floor. It was hauntingly beautiful. So I took a picture and made it into my phone background. Later, one of my friends said it was creepy. I suppose we have different points of view in that matter.

But there is beauty, as strange as it may seem, everywhere. In the swirling dust particles in the air, in the darkened knots of a tree, in old and wrinkled paper. It is in the coals of a fire and in the mud at the side of the road. Beauty is in the pores of your skin silhouetted against the light, it is in the shadows on your wall, and it reaches out for you.

You just have to look.

posting on the internet

I don’t know why sometimes it’s easier to admit things over the internet then in person. I guess it’s because I don’t have to fear people’s reactions in person. Additionally, when I post here, I know that it is not necessarily going to be read by someone. Even if it is read, it’s not likely to be someone I know, or someone who knows me. I feel less judged on sites like these, hidden with a nice fuzzy blanket of anonymity.

inspiration

It seems like each month, I am particularly affected by the works of a certain Youtuber. Most recently, I have drawn a lot of inspiration from Jamie Swarbrick, who is JamieVsTheUniverse on Youtube.

When I watch his videos, I am filled with an incredible sense of peace. I relax, and can empty my mind and cares away for the duration of the video. And what seems ordinary before becomes magical afterwards.

Pairing beautiful cinematography with the perfect music to fit the video, he not only sees, but captures and augments the beauty in moments. Color and texture are emphasized to the point where I can imagine that my senses have been heightened, and I’m looking at the world anew.

Sometimes I am so immersed in the video that I wish that I could experience that life firsthand. I want to wander in fields and forests with my friends, to look at a piece of cloth and see infinite possibilities, to capture a genuine smile and moment of joy.

This quick drawing that I have done of Jamie does not do justice to the inspiration and creativity that I feel because of his videos. My creative baseline is like this picture; two-dimensional and black-and-white. But I am working at seeing the world differently and at creating. I already have many multicolored ideas swimming in my head. I just need to bring them to life.

What an inspiration.

almost there

Muggy.

Tonight, the spring air is a trickster. It is static and suffocating, trying to pass itself off as summer. The atmospheric warmth makes it impossible to do anything productive, even though school dictates otherwise. Almost everyone gives in to the deceptive heat. But the insects aren’t fooled by the weather. The cicadas are not yet singing their sweet song of freedom. Soon though, their chirps will fill the air. You will wake up from your bare slumber and smile at me. 

We are almost there.

empty room, filled soul

How quickly eight months go by.

During move-in, I remember standing at my window, staring out at the - my - beautiful view of the Bay. It was my favorite part of my new room, surprised as I was at the fact that it was a converted study lounge, and seemed more spacious than the normal rooms. Looking out, I could see the skyline of San Francisco, as well as all of it’s landmarks; the Bay Bridge, the Transamerica Pyramid, Alcatraz, the Golden Gate Bridge… All appearing so close that it seemed like I could touch them. I still cannot get enough of the view, especially during rainbow sunsets. Sometimes I wish I could take a photograph with my brain, perfectly preserving what I see, for I would be content to keep the view forever. Anyway. I arrived before my roommate, and was still putting things up and unpacking when she came in. We soon settled into a comfortable living rhythm - not a friendship really, more like an amiable kinship and understanding. I became at ease, I felt at home. Unlike my house back in my hometown, I knew where all of my possessions were located. I was familiar with everything, and, in a way, I found myself. I made many unexpected and diverse friends. After a little while, due to what seems like serendipity at times, I found someone else as well - someone who has made me incredibly happy. That’s how I have lived for most of the past eight months. But this afternoon my roommate moved out, and I don’t know if we’ll ever really talk again. I finished my last final of the school year and spent the rest of the day packing up my things. Now my room is empty once more, and it seems almost alien to see it so blank. It is sobering to realize that I will never have this same lifestyle again. I never be in such close proximity to this specific group of people who I’ve befriended and loved. I will never go eat in the same places with them, just on a whim. I will never be in this room, never sleep in this bed, never see this view again. I suppose that I am okay with it. The memories and new experiences here have made me so happy, and have filled my text messages and soul with intoxicated joy.

How quickly eight months go by.

positivity

I’m learning to hold my tongue, and to think before I speak. I know that sometimes I inadvertently hurt people I love by blurting out my thoughts. But I don’t want to hurt others. I want to spread positivity and happiness instead of bitterness and hate.

I know this will take work, but I’m willing to try.