A/N: I didn’t like how this turned out, and I apologize for it being so short and taking so much time. I’m a little out of line right now because of family issues and relationship stuff so yeah. Thanks for sticking around. You’re rad.
You gave your husband Daveed a quick kiss before rushing out of the apartment. He was smiling, like he was when he proposed…full of mischief and planning something. You had to make it to the theater for the show tonight, like every other night, after you lost track of time. So, you couldn’t ask what was up. Well, you were always up for a good surprise. And during the show, when you saw Daveed, you almost said his name. Luckily, you didn’t and you weren’t singing yet. And, of course, there he was, with Lin-Manuel Miranda, backstage outside of your dressing room after the show. You wrapped your arms around Daveed, then Lin. “Why didn’t you tell me?” You asked your husband. He chuckles. “It wouldn’t be a surprise, then, Y/N.” Lin smiled as you lead them into the dressing room, leaving the door open. “He’s been waiting for a few months now, Y/N.” “I’m surprised he kept the secret that long.” You laughed as Daveed pulled you in for another hug. He kissed the top of your head. Lin laughed and said he’d best be on his way. “You want a ride?” You called out. “I’m taking a cab!” He replied before disappearing from sight. Back at the apartment, Daveed plopped down on the couch next to you. “Why’d you come out to the show tonight?” He looked at you, confused. “Like, why’d you want to see it?” “Because I love you, and you support me so much. And although I am busy with Hamilton all the time, I still support you.” You lay your head against his shoulder. “I love you, too. But you almost made me mess up!” He laughed. “I could see you hesitate as you were looking at the crowd.” “Don’t laugh! it’s not funny!” “It’s funny because I love you.”
Connor had discovered the top of the abandoned warehouse on a night of wandering. Those were the nights he would just get in his truck and drive. The nights his dad would be unbearable. These nights increased when he begun his senior year at Anchor Beach. His dad would continuously pressure him on if he was dating any girls or asking him who he would be taking to prom ( which was 7 fucking months away) or God forbid he start one of his monologues on safe sex. Because honestly his dad couldn’t care if he slept with the entire female population of Anchor beach, once he used protection and of course, once they were all female. His dad knew Jude and him were best friends and he knew that they spent almost all their time together, but ever since he was 14 his Dad had completely dismissed any thought of Connor being gay, he refused to believe his son could ever be………that (he could never say the word, the bastard.)
He had no problem with Jude being gay ( so he said), though Connor did not miss the rare snide comments he would make about Jude. In those moments he would just clench his fists and bite his tongue, praying his hand did not come into contact with his father’s face (it never did). Those nights especially he would walk out the front door, sick of his father’s ignorance. His father, on the outside, was the clean cut, all american father, playing baseball with his son, carrying him to his games and engaging into talk about girls (conversations Connor did not give a fuck for). But on the inside, Adam Stevens was more than homophobic. Connor couldn’t describe it. He loved his dad, he did, but he would never want to hear someone say “ You’re just like your father.” To him that would almost be a death sentence.
His father was ignorant. And he? Connor was in denial. He could never truly admit it to himself. He could never look himself in the mirror and say, “I’m g…”
At first, he had really thought he had liked girls. Daria, his first girlfriend, he had really liked her…to an extent. She was pretty, and funny and smelled really good and Connor had thought that was what it was all about. He had dismissed his kiss with Jude in the tent as a fluke, a mere in the moment type of situation where it had been dark, and they were really close to each other and…….it could have happened to anybody right? But then his first kiss with Daria had lacked something. Don’t get him wrong, it was a nice kiss, she had been a good kisser, but though it had felt good on the outside, he had felt nothing on the inside. And he noticed himself doing something, every time he kissed her, he would compare it to the kiss in the tent and how his heart had leapt out of his chest that night, as his and Jude’s lips had lightly pressed together, no other part of their bodies touching with both eyes closed and noses touching. They had went straight to bed after and completely ignored it afterwards. And soon, Daria’s kisses had become…..empty, quite insignificant.
Connor thought girls were nice to look at, but he felt as if he did not see or feel for them as most boys did, as society said he should. Yet when he looked at Jude, or kissed Jude, it felt…..it felt like home. Yet, you would think after all that it would be pretty blatant to him that he was in fact……not into girls. But for some reason he still couldn’t accept it. No matter how much he wanted Jude to be happy, to erase the disappointment off of his face, he still could not come to terms with it. Coward, his conscience whispered to him.
The night he had come returned home from college, the roof of the warehouse had been the first place he had gone to. When he had gotten to the top he had been surprised to see the fair laid out in front of him, all lights and tents and of course….the ferriswheel. He hadn’t even known it was in town. He instantly thought of Jude and the last time they had went together. It was the great times of infinite corn dogs and even more infinite puking. After that he had never eaten that fried bullshit ever again. Though the puking was significant, what he had most remembered from that night was the mesmerized look on Jude’s face when he had looked up at the ferris wheel. He knew Jude would love this view.
And that took them back to where there were now, on top of the roof of the warehouse, above the fair, shoulder to shoulder, gazing at each other.
“You make it so hard to stop loving you,” Jude said.
Connor’s eyes widened and he took a sharp intake of breath. This had surprised him. He didn’t think……..
“ You still love me?”
Jude laughed bitterly, “ What kind of question is that? Of course I still love you. Of course I do.” Jude shook his head. “You really expected me to forget and move on in four months after five years? Even though it seems that’s what you’ve done.” Jude looked away.
Connor bit his lip and looked at Jude’s ducked head. “ Hey. Look at me.” Jude raised his head. “ It was not like that.” Connor said.
Jude rolled his eyes and scoffed. “ It was exactly like that Connor. You go and sleep with some random girl, hoping you will forget.”
It was Connor’s turn to look down now. He knew Jude was right. He usually was, which Connor hated, but he was. He sighed and lay back on the roof, looking up at the sky. He felt Jude lean back as well. They lay next to each other in silence, mapping the night sky with their eyes.
“ I’m sorry,” Connor said finally, sighing. He wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for, whether it was for sleeping with the girl or for everything in general. Maybe just everything. “ I really am sorry.”
Jude lay silently for a moment. “I know you love me,” he said quietly. Connor turned his face to him, and so did Jude. They were now face to face.
Jude continued, “ Even though you’ve never said it back, I know you do. Even if you can’t say it. But you will someday. Someday your going to open up. That dam your building in there will eventually burst, and no one, not your father, not your mom, not society, not even yourself will be able to stop it. And I can’t promise you that I will not have already moved on from you when that happens. But when it does, whether I’ve moved on or not, I’ll be proud of you, for finally accepting yourself. And if you never do, well….” Jude stopped for a second, as if to search for some sort of inspiration in the stars. “ …..well your always going to be my best friend Connor Stevens. Always was and always will be.”
Connor took a shaky breath, searching for Jude’s hand. Jude held on tight, their fingers intertwined. “ You’re still waiting on me?” Connor asked.
Jude sighed. “ Let’s not take that as an official statement. But I don’t know Connor. This is sort of an indefinite thing. All I know is that there is no one else I want to be with.But sometimes what you want is not what you can have.” Jude let go of his hand and sat up.
“ So your waiting for a dam to burst.” Connor said.
“ I’m not waiting Connor. It’s more like your waiting on yourself to get your shit together.”
Connor laughed, “ Till then,” he sat up as well, “Friends?” he said childlishly putting out his hand.
Jude laughed, slapping his hand away “ Best friends. Thank you for this by the way.” he motioned to the fair. “ I loved it.”
Connor smiled, “ Your welcome.”
They both stood up, dusting themselves off. “ So I have to get my shit together?” Connor said smiling.
Jude made his way to the ladder and called over his shoulder , ignoring Connor’s question, “ By the way? Don’t ever throw rocks at my fucking window ever again. Next time I’ll call the cops.” Connor laughed. “ You wouldn’t.” Connor said.