i still find myself buying his cologne because i so desperately want to remind myself of the way home smells. home as in him. and i know i should never make a home out of people but how can you blame me? never in my entire life did a place feel like home to me. so i ended up thinking it might not be a place but a person and that was my first mistake. my second mistake was wearing my heart on my sleeve but what was i supposed to do when he made flowers grow in my scars? eventually the flowers died and he no longer thought i was beautiful so he decided he no longer loved me either.
Title: In My Veins Rating: K+ Pairing: Ten/Rose, human AU Summary: –Telepathic bond soulmate AU– Everyone kept saying kids couldn’t develop telepathic bonds, that it was completely impossible. John Smith and Rose Tyler defied the impossible.
Notes: Well I finally managed to hash out a soulmate AU enough to be happy with writing it. All the blame for this entire story goes to @lastbluetardis, who not only encouraged it, but also allowed me to yell at her about it until I was happy enough to start writing it. Blame her entirely.
Note: This is it! The end of the line! I would just like to say thank you to every single person who took the time to read and review this story – you’re the ones who kept me going through all my bad brain stuff and I love you for it <3
Now.. On to pure, undiluted FLUFF.
Anxiety was an
interesting thing to directly witness second-hand.
Rose didn’t know how to explain it to
anyone else — she had tried to tell her parents, but they had
simply told her to calm down, like it was that simple — but John
saw it, and John understood. She wasn’t nervous — she was
consumed by a blackhole that felt like a swarm of buzzing bees in her
head, and she couldn’t escape it.
Deep breaths, John said gently
as Rose tapped her pencil against her desk, every single thing she
had studied over the last few months instantly leaving her mind.
You’re okay. You’ve been studying for months. I tested you
last night and you answered everything perfectly. You know
this. It’s going to be okay.
What if I fail? She asked in
a small voice.
Then you’ll try again next year.
But don’t think about that now, okay? Focus on the test. It’s
going to be okay.
Rose took a deep breath, and John
started humming quietly in the back of her head. That seemed to calm
her somewhat, and with another breath she returned her attention to
her test with John still humming. Rose always worked better to music.
For the writer's ask meme thing: I will always remember you for Unsolicited Advice and Walls of Jericho. ALWAYS. They were some of my favorites when I first read them months ago when I joined the fandom, they're STILL some of my favorites now even though I've read so many more.
The writing-senpais continue to notice me, what do I dO?
To this day, Walls of Jericho remains this weird, bizarre accident that was a joke gone too far. Or maybe just far enough. I don’t even know anymore… but it was a lot of fun to write. I blame tumblr in the end. That one is entirely tumblr’s fault.
Unsolicited Advice was pretty much a friend enabling me to be Bad because they kept writing terrible poetry as Sorey and somehow I wrote a story around it. Something like that.
anyone else who thinks this is fucking terrifying? he’s straight up telling everyone to blame the judge and the entire court system for any future terrorist attack. this isn’t just mr. pissboy throwing a tantrum, it’s worse than that. this is preparing the groundwork, so that when a terrorist attack happens, trump can blame the court system and justify weakening it to gain more power. it’s the fucking Reichstag fire
all over again
Forgive me if you've been asked this already but at what moment do you think Clarke fell in love with Lexa, or realized she was in love with her? I believe Eliza had trouble answering this at a con (I think she said it was before the bow though) so I'm wondering what you think.
Mmm that’s hard to say, and honestly, that’s kinda what I love about it. Because you can’t always exactly pinpoint the moment you fall in love with someone, right? Maybe it’s a feeling that grows gradually but unstoppable, maybe it’s like a wave hitting you at once, it varies. And that’s how I think it was for Clarke.
The way I see it, it was sudden for her at first and then everything slowed down and it naturally developed. It wasn’t love yet in the beginning, but there was definitely a realization that she had feelings for Lexa. Just look at her face after storming out of Lexa’s tent in 2x14.
Why else would she looked so bothered? If she had just been upset about their argument she would have had an angry face. Instead she looks like she’s literally trying to physically restrain her feelings, whatever they may be. She takes that deep, shaky breath in an attempt to collect herself because, what the hell just happened inside that tent? Did Lexa really just confess she has feelings for me? And why does it affect me so much? What am I feeling? This is what I think is going through her mind. And then of course we have the confirmation of this, when she gladly replies to Lexa’s kiss. Even after she rejects her, there is no indication of that being a definitive rejection. There is no feeling of “I’m sorry, but I don’t reciprocate.” Clarke is not ready for a relationship, and it’s right that she was honest with Lexa, but she rejects her in literally the softest way possible, AND leaves the door open for the future. Not yet. That means she already sees herself considering a relationship with Lexa in the future, after healing, when she’s finally ready. And look at how tender and somewhat tamely longing her gaze is even after she rejected Lexa.
She is definitely aware of her feelings for Lexa here. But then the betrayal happens and ah, they take 46 steps back.
Now, of course, Lexa’s betrayal causes Clarke to close herself off. Clarke is angry at Lexa, she’s angry at herself, she’s in pain, every other feeling pales in comparison. And obviously, so much of Clarke’s suffering is tied to what Lexa did, so it’s definitely not a surprise that romance is out of the question when they first meet again. Clarke’s pain is consuming her, she is definitely not thinking about whatever she and Lexa had. And yet…
This isn’t a romantic moment by any means. But we’re talking about Clarke realizing she loves Lexa, and I don’t think we can’t gloss over this moment. When I say that I don’t romanticize this scene, it’s because this is not a cute moment. This isn’t a “oh my God, she loves her!” moment, this moment is sad. It’s painful, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s so damn important. Clarke can’t kill Lexa here. How much easier would it be for her to shut her heart out entirely, to blame Lexa for everything and just kill her without feeling anything? I bet in that moment, a part of Clarke wants that. But Clarke feels, and she feels for Lexa. She has these feelings and they won’t go away, not even when she’s at her lowest. So yeah, not a romantic moment, but definitely essential to understand Clarke’s complicated feelings for Lexa.
After the bow, Clarke is a little more trusting towards Lexa, but she’s definitely still closed off, she’s not ready to expose her heart yet. And we get to the “I’m doing it for my people” episode, 3x04. Right from the very beginning, Clarke spends the entire episode trying to find a way to keep Lexa safe, to protect her. But every single time she voices her concerns to Lexa or hell, even Titus, her preoccupation feels far more personal than political. She’s worried, she’s agitated, she even seems angry that Lexa won’t listen to her and step away from the duel. It’s a crescendo of apprehension and frustration and anxiousness as every single one of Clarke’s attempts fails, crescendo that culminates in an emotional explosion.
The second gif is particularly telling. Titus interrupts them, the moment is gone and Clarke finds herself having to face what just happened. Look at her face, at how she looks away from Lexa and sucks a breath through her teeth. She’s restraining her feelings, but she’s a little too late this time. And it’s not only Lexa who is shaken by Clarke’s emotional outburst, it’s Clarke herself too. She doesn’t catch herself in time and now she can’t pretend with herself that those feelings aren’t there. I think this is when the true first “shift” after the betrayal happens. Clarke wants to keep Lexa at arm’s length but Lexa might very well die that same day and, despite any resolution she had, the thought terrifies Clarke. And she’s so scared that she’s never going to see Lexa again that…
I could write an essay on all the emotions Clarke experiences before and throughout and at the end of Lexa’s duel, but the gist of it is that during this tense moment, with Lexa’s life on the line, she can’t bring herself to hide her feelings. It’s all there, on her face.
Only when things settle down she is able to collect herself again. Lexa comes visit her that night and we see Clarke pull her walls up again. “I was just doing what was right for my people.” BUT! Even if Clarke is not ready to open up her heart again, that scene is infused with intimacy. Even Clarke’s “rejection” is filled with emotion.
Clarke is the opposite of cold here. The way I see it, she is pulling away because she’s realizing she’s close to giving in, but she’s not yet ready for that. It’s so clear that here Lexa is talking about what happened at Mount Weather too, this is another quiet apology that Clarke obviously recognizes. If she went with her feelings, Clarke would have to admit that she does understand Lexa, that in her heart maybe she’s already forgiven her. But in that moment it’s too overwhelming, so she looks away and avoids the conversation, avoids Lexa’s gaze, avoids having to focus on her feelings.
She literally keeps having to look away because things get too intense but at the same time there’s a tenderness in her eyes that she can’t hide. And once Lexa is gone and she can breathe… bam
All the feelings she restrained, everything she tried to hide merely minutes ago hits her full force. I said I think Clarke’s love for Lexa developed gradually, naturally, but if I had to pick a specific moment and say that’s when Clarke realized she’s in love with Lexa, it would be this one.
By the time we get to 3x06, I do believe Clarke knows and has accepted she is in love with Lexa, but she’s still struggling to admit it out loud, especially to Lexa. That episode happens roughly 7-10 days after the events of Hakeldama, and when we see Clarke and Lexa again, they are closer than ever. There is a sense of intimacy, of almost domesticity between them. They are comfortable with each other’s presence. There’s not really a reason for them being in the same room in that scene: Lexa fell asleep while reading and Clarke is drawing (there are other sheets in her folder, which makes me think she was drawing other things before focusing on Lexa). They don’t have to talk or interact, they simply are together.
When Lexa wakes up from the nightmare, Clarke doesn’t hesitate to jump next to her and comfort her, with soothing touches and calming, reassuring words. And then we get to the moment Lexa notices the drawing. A lot has been said about Lexa’s face, but instead look at Clarke’s.
This is the exact opposite of what I was talking about in 3x04. Lexa sees the drawing and is taken aback. That she doesn’t know whether she should hope for anything is another story, but the look she gives Clarke is very telling. And Clarke doesn’t avoid it. Yes, her first instinct is to play it off as something meaningless. “Uh, that’s not- it’s not finished yet.” But then Lexa looks at her, confused, surprised, a tiny bit hopeful, and Clarke meets her gaze and they just stare at each other. Look at that little pause she does before lifting her eyes. That’s when she chooses not to hide. As I said, I think that here Clarke has come to terms with her feelings for Lexa, but here for the first time, she doesn’t hide them from Lexa. Her look is just as telling as Lexa’s. They aren’t saying a word and this is one of their most honest, important conversations. Clarke is silent, but her eyes are speaking, her untold feelings are there, and maybe letting Lexa know isn’t so unfathomable anymore. Maybe, maybe Clarke this is the closest Clarke has been to being ready.
So this is what i think. The way I see it, it’s tricky and complicated and simply beautiful.
Anyways Alec Lightwood is the type of person that would get his boyfriend a gift literally anytime he went anywhere. If there were 8 demons that he had to slay on the 5th avenue, he’d spend 10 minutes on the demons and then another 2 hours in Louis Vuitton picking out the wallet that Magnus would most likely think matched his new shoes. And if he went out shopping for let’s say Jace’s birthday, he’d somehow come home with a bag from American Eagle for Jace and like another 5 bags with Sephora and MK and Marc Jacobs and Gucci and some other antique store that was on his way home for Magnus. And if Izzy finally dragged him to Macy’s to get him some new shirts, he’d probably secretly sneak off and end up getting Magnus 3 different belts instead. And every time there was a Sephora anywhere near where Alec was, he’d end up spamming Izzy’s snapchat with a bunch of pictures of palettes and single shadows and eyeliners and highlighters and asking her which ones are good and which ones would Magnus like, and he’d also end up having his arms completely swatched in a bunch of lipsticks and eyeshadows every time he’d go to the mall for literally anything. And Magnus would always say that he doesn’t have to do this but he’d just smile and shyly reach for Magnus’s hand and just look up at him and whisper under his breath “yeah but I want to” and Magnus would melt and kiss him bc he cannot believe how much he loves this man
So SJM said this book will actually tie into all that is going on in the TOG world right? What if her plot twist is that Chaol somehow ends up at the very end of the novel where Aelin is? We all keep talking about how Rowan is going to save Aelin and all that, but what if this books sets it up to where Chaol is first on the scene at least? The person who despised Aelin, but loved the “mortal” deadly assassin? The person he somewhat blames for Dorian. What if he was the one to start the entire process to saving her, or at least giving her strength to keep going. I feel like I would be totally down for this outcome even if it isn’t the most likely.
When Sirius was sixteen, he and James went to a tattoo parlor in knockturn ally, a place that didn’t ask questions, and Sirius got a black sheep tattooed.
It might have been silly, but he was drunk, just been disowned and James was seventeen with an apperating license. He still has it, he and Tonks would make puns about being “black sheeps” of the family.
On the day that Remus came back from a mission for the order, Sirius had forgotten that it had been the full moon. Remus came back with new scars, a big one across his neck that could have killed him. Sirius felt awful, Remus brushed it off. So Sirius got a moon tattoo that changed with the phases of the moon. He never told anyone, but even when he was in prison, he would cry every full moon.
On the day of Lily and James’ wedding, Peter and Sirius went to get Sirius another tattoo. It was a doe and a stag, with white lilies. It was the biggest tattoo he’s ever gotten, but he smiled whenever he saw it.
When Lily saw it, she called him an idiot that hugged him, kissing him on the cheek.
The day they died, Sirius watched as the lilies died on his skin.
When Harry was born, Sirius got the date, time (to the second) and year Harry was born, with a baby stag underneath, charmed to grow with Harry (which a) cost a lot, and b) Sirius swore he would get a similar one for the next potter that roles around)
Sirius got a lot of tattoos. Not all of them had meaning, but some honorable mentions include:
- A heart that Lily would always draw on his wrist. Lily would colour in when they had coffee.
- Remus’ kiss mark. Moony was drunk, Alice had lipstick, he kissed Sirius’ parchment. Sirius kept it, never showed that tattoo to anyone.
- James’ horrible handwriting. When they were working on the Marauders Map, he had a note book that he always wrote in. James had written Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs in messy, smudged, left handed scroll.
Remus only ever got one tattoo. It was a note that Sirius left when he went after Harry. Remus found it after the department of mysteries battle. It said:
I’m going after Harry
I know it stupid, but he’s what I have left
I’ll be fine. But if I’m not, make sure you know it’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself.
Don’t worry, Moony.
He got the entire thing tattooed on his ribcage, where there wasn’t any scars. Along with a stag head that James drew in fifth year. Tonks never questioned it. She never commented on the fact that Remus had a picture of him and Sirius kissing. She never cared.
can you pls talk to me about the way Magnus holds himself in pandemonium when we first see him, all that power in the way he stands and makes his way through the club because I'm so gay and good lord
i’m also gay and good lord but how about the next time we see him there
it’s been months and he knows it, busy with his other work, busy with house calls and jumping across the globe, it’s been hard to get a moment in edgewise to visit the club. but he always loves being there. it’s hard not to. it’s hard not to feel himself easily stitching in the fabric of his club and feeling the eyes of the club on him as he walks in through the door with his coat hanging loose on his shoulders.
there’s very little skin on show tonight, shirt buttoned to the very top of his throat, but it’s a silky kind of see through, beautiful embroidered flowers crawling over the tight definition of his chest and his stomach. layered necklaces spill down the rest, glinting and catching the lights along with his rings as the crowd parts just slightly as he glides through it and up to the bar. it’s this beautiful thing, perfectly fluid, pulling his coat off his shoulders and hanging it on one of his fingers.
What's your take on the whole Mass Effect Andromeda animation debacle?
I’m back, I’m jet lagged, and people are being stupid on the internet. Whee.
Off the top of my head, here are a few thoughts on the matter:
#1. It is never ever EVER ok to harass somebody personally
This whole thing about a bunch of people harassing that former EA employee is horrible and should never have happened. It is never ok to go after somebody personally for what they may or may not have done in a professional capacity. There is no justification for it. Ever. If there’s a problem with the product, everybody shoulders the blame - that includes the publisher, dev team, marketing team, everybody. Even if there was one person who worked on one feature completely solo, that person still had a boss, who had a boss, who had a boss. There are so many people involved and so many moving parts that you really can’t blame any one person except the executive producer in charge of the entire project. The person in question is most assuredly not that executive producer.
#2. People comparing ME:A to the Witcher 3 are oversimplifying
There’s a meme floating around about how the Witcher 3 was created by a couple of Slavs as if it was done by a couple of dudes in a garage somewhere, compared to ME:A, which had a huge team from EA. That’s incredibly shortsighted and utterly ridiculous. The Witcher 3 cost over $80 million to develop, which is probably a bigger budget than ME:A had. CDPR had an internal team of 240 full-time professional devs and another 1200+ contractors working on it. The Witcher 3 is “indie” in the way that Star Citizen is “indie” - they didn’t work with a separate billion-dollar publisher because they had enough money to fund the project already.
#3. From what I’ve seen, Mass Effect Andromeda has animation issues in general
From the cursory footage I’ve seen (I haven’t played the game yet since I’ve been out of the country), it looks like there’s a bunch of problems, most of which aren’t related to the facial animations at all. The characters have that weird slightly hunched-over broad-elbowed walk similar to how they walked in Dragon Age: Inquisition, and there’s something about how the elbows don’t quite sit right to me while the characters are idling. I also spotted a character in a T-pose in one clip which was a rather clear bug. The facial animation probably stands out most because players spend a lot of time in cinematic conversations, and that features the faces quite prominently.
#4. Bioware is certainly aware of the issues
From what I’ve heard, there were team members who raised the warning flags internally as well, but the decision was ultimately above their pay grades. It’s really hard to say why they decided what they did without knowing the full context, and that isn’t likely to happen. The scope of the new Mass Effect game is different than before - this is the first game of the series on Frostbite, with a new lead studio helming development (Bioware Montreal), and with new team leadership (after the departure of Casey Hudson, Mass Effect’s former executive producer). There’s a lot of moving parts where things could have broken down during development, and we’ll likely never know. They’ll never share that information publicly… nor should they. Bioware the studio shoulders the blame for it, just like Bioware the studio owns any praise they get.
Animation issues are often some of the hardest and most expensive problems to fix. Building animation rigs (skeletons) takes a lot of resources. Utilizing those rigs to build animations takes a lot of resources, even when you’re using motion capture data. Building animation systems to blend, layer and play those animations under the correct circumstances take a lot of time. Animation is one of the most expensive types of content to create - that’s why so many games reuse so much of their animation data. That said, Bioware also developed and released the extended ending to the last Mass Effect game for free in response to the fan backlash about the ending, so who knows?
i have forgotten how to be gentle, i think, or else i’m a different kind of gentle now. the kind of gentle that can kill. the kind of gentle that asks to be killed.
i’m the kind of gentle that begs everything that’s listening for death but it doesn’t come, or it does but then i wake up not knowing where i am, my bedroom or yours, or the bottom of the ocean and it’s not fair, do you hear me, it’s not fair to want something so bad and only get to taste it—
i think i’m the poorly-executed drawing on the fridge of the universe and god’s too sadistic to take it down. saying look at this, look at what you did, look at what you are, look at it forever.
i crawl into your bed because it’s the closest i can get to dying anymore. i crawl into your bed for all the romantic gestures like gentle choking, gentle bruising,
i think you know that.
how i use you for pain and not pleasure, or sometimes both, sometimes, if i want it to really hurt. if i think i deserve it. you say i’m too young to feel this way and i say i’ll get older, i say when i grow up i want to be a corpse six feet under so you can walk over my body, dirt in my eyes, seeing nothing.
i think i have forgotten how to be gentle. i think i’m sorry.