blackout drinks

John Mulaney Sentence Starters
  • "The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time."
  • "All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it."
  • "It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were supposed to do them."
  • "In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin."
  • "I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table."
  • "I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting."
  • "Why do people shush animals? They've never spoken."
  • "A lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy."
  • "I'm an idiot, but I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far."
  • "I kind of thought, wouldn't it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?"
  • "I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion."
  • "There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me."
  • "Being president looks like the worst job in the world."
  • "Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world."
  • "I always though quick sand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be."
  • "'Do you want a salad or fries?' that's like asking 'Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?'"
  • “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.”
  • “Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die; I can’t have them roaming around. They know too much.”
  • "I was once on the telephone with blockbuster video- Which is a very old fashioned sentence."
  • "I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then they're just pants."
  • "My body is bad at sports: that's the problem."
  • "It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of "Law & Order" in my apartment."
  • "I don't look older, I just look worse."
  • "So, I would just have a couple of drinks, and my brain would be like, 'OK, I see where this is headed. We're just going to power down now and get restarted sometime tomorrow morning'."
  • "Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the '30s -- as long as you weren't still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it."
  • "'Ocean's 11' with women wouldn't work 'cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine."
  • “Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll be like ‘Yeah, I’ve been really lonely lately’ and they’ll be like ‘Well we should hang out!’ and I’m like ‘No, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all.”
  • "We'd all go play jacks by the soda fountain."
  • "No one knows what you're talking about you idiot."
  • "Blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep but your body gets all 'Eye of the Tiger' and soldiers on.'
  • "Am I proud of it? No. Just like I'm not proud of the fact that I saw the movie The Notebook in theaters. But it happened!"
  • "You don't know me. I have secrets. Why yesterday I wore my footie pajamas under my clothes and pretended I was a fucking fireman."
  • “Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.”
  • "Because we're Delta Airlines and life is a fucking nightmare!"
  • "I could never be goth, don't get me wrong, I'm unhappy, it's not that."
  • "To me Person of Interest is almost too flattering. Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest' I'd be like 'Moi? Oh do go on. Fresh.' "
  • "Ma'am can you turn off your bluetooth? This is a baptism."
  • "It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA."
  • "Do you want a plate of fries? If I get fries for the table would you take some? I know you'll eat fries if I get fries!"
  • "I watch so much Law and Order that sometimes I think I'm on an episode of Law and Order."
  • "You asked if I brushed my teeth but I never specified that I did so tonight. If the court reporter reads back my remarks you will see I did not purger myself."
  • "Traveling can get kinda lonely sometimes, actually no that's not the right word, Life. Life can get kinda lonely sometimes."
  • "Scientists have long since wondered if you can make grown men and women cry by playing Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual. And the answer is yes."
  • "Like my god man people are dead! But no you keep stacking those boxes."
  • "You seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit?"
  • "As they say in Jerry Maguire, 'You had me at AIDS.'”
  • “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.”
  • "Adult life is already so goddamn weird."
mind games

a/n: tHIS LITERALLY TOOK ME FOREVER IM SO SORRY (this also sort of veered off the prompt but ive rewritten this too many times)

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AU PROMPT #11: “We’re both psychology majors, and it’s great and all that we know everything about the topic, but it would be awesome if you could stop diagnosing me with being a dick - it’s unnecessary and definitely not a legitimate condition.”

 jimin x reader


Originally posted by holdmettightbts

      TO SAY PARK JIMIN WAS YOUR GREATEST RIVAL WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT. Every time his name was spoken, it would ignite some kind of fire in your heart and you blood would boil. Not only was he infuriatingly giving you a run for your money as the top student in the psychology department, he was also gorgeous. And boy, did he know it. 

Midterms were coming up and you were basically two pages away from reaching insanity. You were running on two hours of sleep and a shit ton of coffee, nose buried in your psych textbook. You could hear Jimin’s (glorious) laughter through your earbuds and you felt your eye twitch. 

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anonymous asked:

See what I mean? That picture of you holding a glass of booze with a shirt that says "mimosa & brunch". that says "I love alcohol" and sends a message to people who see it that you drink frequently. I would sit down with your therapist and discuss you drinking and maybe attend some AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings. It's probably why you don't eat much because you drink alcohol. Alcohol can make food unappealing and decreases appetite. That's why my mom only ate one meal a day, no appetite.

Or it means I like brunch and mimosas and the shirt was trendy so I bought it. and that was from last year.I’m a social drinker. I don’t blackout. I don’t drink to get wasted. I don’t drink an excessive amount. I drink maybe 3 times a month and that’s if I go out to dinner three times in one month. I actually hate the feeling of being anything more than tipsy. 

I don’t eat enough because I have an eating disorder. And in fact, when I consume alcohol, I actually eat more because that’s when I register hunger and my inhibitions are subdued. 

Please stop trying to make it seem like I have a problem with alcohol. I am the first to admit my problems. I have an eating disorder, I’ve self-harmed, I drink too much caffeine, I push people away, I forget to take my medication. But I don’t have a problem with alcohol.