I really love watching Honest Trailers on YouTube so I thought what if I made a series of Honest Trailers for Voltage Games…?
(The following is for humorous purposes only! Enjoy!)
Narrator: From the money hungry company that brought you Astoria Fates Kiss and Castaway Loves Adventure, comes another game about love that will cost you half of your entire paycheck you worked so hard to earn for your rent, school fees, or better yet, Japanese Voltage games where you can spent up to 4$ plus tax for 13 chapters instead of spending 9$ total plus tax for 6 separate chapters for ONE story arc…
Aurora: “It’s all just business.😉"
Narrator: Gangsters in Love!
Meet the MC!
An MC that made the Voltage fandom jump for joy only because she’s a blonde but is also frowned upon because she’s a 23 year old woman that dresses like a 5 year going to Sunday school.
MC: “There’s nothing wrong with my clothes!😠"
Irving: “Except for the fact that you dress like a middle schooler.😒"
Narrator: Her boring life in Southern California quickly changes when she is attacked by gangsters, and rescued by…gangsters?
Chance: “We’re offering you protection.😑"
Narrator: The MCs parents are revealed to be wanted criminals that managed to piss off all of California who finally decide to go to the MCs house at last minute instead of kidnapping the parents and killing them then.
The Valentine Gang infiltrates the MCs home and takes her away in hope to get info from her parents even though they know the MC makes it clear that she knows nothing, with the MC clearly going along with them because these gangsters are…hot!
MC: “They’re dangerous…but…😍"
Narrator: Man, they really made this MC a thirsty bimbo in this franchise. Way to go America!😒
Narrator: MC first meets Chance Valentine: an all American, Eisuke Ichinomiya who broke away from his fathers gang, acts like a cold hearted prick, and thinks he’s cool because he owns a bike and is the boss.
Chance: “Oh who cares…I’m the boss.😏"
Narrator: But is really a cello playing dork, who is so rich, yet can’t even buy his own house without mooching off his rich black friend.
Chance: “It’s my house!😠”
Irving: “Since WHEN? It’s MY house!😡”
Narrator: Yoshimitsu Valentine!
Narrator: Chance’s happy go lucky hot, Japanese older step brother who’s hair will instantly remind you of the chili pepper emoji or the hair tip of a chicken.
He’s a yakuza who never kills anyone with his katana.
Yoshimitsu: “I’m not killing you. It would be a waste of my sword.😒”
Narrator: And became the WORST leader no one but Chance asks for in season 2 out of pity for his brother.
Chance: “It seemed like a good idea at the time…😔”
Narrator: And who was seemingly popular enough to be the thumbnail of the app instead of the first main love interest himself.
Yoshimitsu: “Isn’t this an exciting way to end the party?😆”
Narrator: He’s a fuckboy who frequently fucks the MC in his route even though he tells her they are not official.
Yoshimitsu: “This–mm–doesn’t mean we’re together.😌”
MC: “I didn’t say anything about that. How about we just have a good time?😉"
Narrator: Man is this MC thirsty! But at least she’s more confident than her Japanese counterparts!😒
The mysterious badass hitman who would have been a better character in Metal Gear Solid, GTA V, or even Assassins Creed, with his expert skills in weaponry, stealth, and arson, instead of a romance option in some cheesy, girly, young woman’s romance sim.
WELL, that’s a lot better than a cool character like him becoming a sissy singer like Bieber!
Ash: “I was once scouted to be a K Pop idol.😁"
Narrator: Scandal in the Spotlight, anyone?🎤
A celebrity lawyer and frequent guest on Ellen who is as sensitive as Wyatt from 6teen as he cries over puppy movies.
Yoshimitsu: “Are you…crying?😧”
Irving: *Sniffling* “What? No way man…😭”
Narrator: And even though he is called the ‘CHARISMATIC Justice’, he isn’t popular enough to be featured in any of the Amemix crossovers for OBVIOUS reasons!👦🏿
Aurora: “C'mon, this is Irving we’re talking about! 😏”
Narrator: Aurora James,
The Gang’s sexiest, kickass lesbian hustler, and the reason for the games existence and occurrences.
She’s a combination of Nami from One Piece with her love for money and Cana from Fairy Tail with her love for liquor and your stereotypical queer Latina all rolled into one.
And is determined to sleep with every woman in LA and their mother!
Aurora: “Oh another time I went home with this girl, but the next day I realized that I actually slept with her mo-😆”
Yoshimitsu: “TMI RORY! T.M.I.!😳”
Narrator: And Mateo Estrada!
A dirty old fed and the 6th brand new love interest introduced in the gang, as well as being a disappointment to all lesbians and bisexuals playing this game who all begged Voltage for Skylar to have her own route because they loved her ass.
Skylar: “Yeah I know you love my ass! 😏”
Narrator: Just like every other Voltage game since 1999, you are forced to choose who you date, have sex with, and eventually marry and have kids with.
You’ll live your days running from the cops, getting in car chases, playing poker, appearing on Ellen, negotiating with yakuza, fighting your own parents, almost getting killed but not getting kidnapped as much as the Japanese MC, actually FENDING for yourself comparing to the Japanese MC who thinks closing her eyes when her life is being threatened will make everything better.
All this while the thirsty, gold digging MC who turns out to have had no job or no friends prior to being kidnapped is able to seduce the pants off of any of the 6 gangsters and spends countless times with them fucking in almost EVERY chapter at inappropriate times!
MC: “I’m pregnant? How is this even possible? We’ve always been super careful! 😰”
Narrator: Yeah, I doubt it you used a condom when you was looking forward to that D, you hoe…😒
(Cue Aurora’s sexy CG)
…Oh! Or…that V! Cause’ y'know…lesbian option…? And…yeah you get the idea…😅
“Not my Valentine!”(Chance)💔
“Black Phoenix Wright!”(Irving)☝🏿
“Ash Catch Em!”(Ash)🔫
“CASH Me Outside Drinking, How Bout Dat?!”(Aurora)🍷
“1 of 101 Dalmatians!”(Seymour)🐶
“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Gangster Worrrld!”(MC)💁🏼
“GTA 6: Barbie Joins a Gang!”
Narrator: Okay seriously! If Skylar doesn’t get her own route in 2017, I’m starting my own gang so we can go to California and confront Voltage Amemix ourselves adding an old man in his mid thirties and not some bad chick who’s hot as hell is absolute bullshit!
Follow and comment if you want more Voltage Honest Trailers!
Friday beneath the sky, its little postcards of melancholy Outside each window, the engines inside the roses at half speed, The huge page of the sea with its one word despair, Fuchsia blossoms littered across the deck, Unblotted tide pools of darkness beneath the ferns … And still I go on looking, match after match in the black air.