black*starxtsubaki

Confession

I really don’t like my mom. I have a very strong dislike towards her & she always plays the victim. It makes me sick, She is toxic & manipulating. Everyone thought me not liking my mom was a “preteen” thing but I haven’t liked my mom since the 2nd or 3rd grade…. I’m almost 21 now. I started gaining a lot of weight in the 3rd grade, my older cousin would call me fat & bring me down or make me cry every chance he got. I wouldn’t tell my dad because it wasn’t his side of the family, in my mind I figured it was my moms responsibility to handle it with it being her nephew. She would always ignore me & say I didn’t tell her anything, but she sure as hell remember those “jokes” & names he would call me to make me cry. I brought up how she never protects me & that it hurt my feelings, so I brought up the story of my cousin calling me fat as an example. She cuts me off with saying “you need to let that go, you’re letting it have too much power over you.” She thinks I’m speaking of my cousin, I’m talking about her never defending me. It always goes over her head. Fast forward to a couple years, I pissed my mom off & I don’t remember how it happened but I was sitting on the couch. She comes out of her room with shorts, tennis shoes & a basic tee as if she was going to exercise. She walks up to me saying “get up” I was in the 7th or 8th grade at the time. I said “I’m not gonna fight you mama” she proceeded to kick my arms, stomach & thighs as if she’s stomping & I’m the “ground”. I see my sister in the corner just looking & giggling until my mom was done. The past couple days, my sister & mom could tell that I was still down & my mom would talk to me as if she felt “power” and smiling & laughing while speaking to me as if she wasn’t stomping me a couple days ago. My 7th grade year I got my period, my mom just brought me home pads. Didn’t ask me if I was ok or if I took any Advil. But I remember when my sister got her period, she was excited about “transition”, she called everyone & got her nails done. I just got pads. When I was in the 2nd grade, my other older cousin touched me. I didn’t tell my mom until I was 15 or 16. She acted like she cared, “crying” & sh*t. Once I was done telling her, he calls to check in & she picks up the phone. Laughing, having a 2 hour conversation with him as if I didn’t tell her anything. That was my biggest sign that my mom is too concerned with being the favorite auntie & her image. I don’t fit her image. My sister is really trifling, my mom didn’t teach her how to clean. She gave up with trying to teach her I guess and makes me clean everything because I’m better at it. My sister didn’t clean the bathroom, my mom bust into my room trying to get me to clean it. I tell her that it’s my sister’s week & I shouldn’t clean it. We kept going back and forth about it. She final said, “forget it, I’ll just have your sister clean it.” She always expects me to clean. If I don’t clean, wash towels, fold towels or clean the bathroom that me & my almost 20 year old sister share it won’t get cleaned. 
I remember my mom telling me that she didn’t like me, her calling me a b*tch and admitting that she liked my sister more than me. She would tell me that I remind her of my dad. My dad wasn’t the greatest to her, I’ll admit. Sometimes I can’t help but to feel that she never had enough strength to take anything out on my dad so she’s using me as years of “catch up”. I often times feel like a product of hate, I didn’t ask to be here. When I turned 17, my mom gave me these sapphire earring for my birthday. Fast forward to a couple weeks before Christmas, I’m sitting up stairs minding my own business & my mom wants me to come downstairs for dinner. With her, my sister & step dad. She’s always wanted to be a wife & play “family” I think I didn’t come downstairs fast enough & she starts questioning me. Another fight broke out, she got out of her seat at dinner & tried to choke me. We’re fighting, she ends the fight with putting her weight on my head & making me apologize to her. I worn those sapphire earrings during that fight & they ended up breaking. Those were my favorite. The next day I went to school extremely sore, trying not to cry & without my earrings. Thanksgiving a couple years ago, my sister got mad at me. She came upstairs to my room, with a cup of water and threw the cup of water in my face. The next year, around thanksgiving a black boy at my job tried throwing a drink in my face because I kept asking him to do his job. I was traumatized because it reminded me of when my sister threw a drink in my face. I tried venting to my mom about it & told her that it reminded me when my sister did that. Then she was like “I don’t remember that, good night.” My sister & I got into a huge fight because of that, not to mention. You were there. How could you not remember? A couple years later my step dad and I are arguing. He walks up on me as if I’m another grown man & my mom is trying to calm everyone down. He finally goes back into his room and she says to me “you started it!, you shouldn’t had made him mad.” She never gave a damn about me. My mom never protected or defended me. She allows others to think its ok to harm & disrespect me because they know I don’t have anyone in my corner. I have to be out of the house September 1st, I’m scared because of money but relieved because I get to finally get away. My mom was rubbing in the fact I have to be out of my house with saying things like “what pots and pans do you have for your place” trying to be sarcastic about it and other sarcastic remarks that I can’t remember. But on the other hand she’s like “I really don’t want you to go, why don’t you try to stay longer & talk to your step dad?” She’ll send me texts everyday saying “I love you” and talking about I believe our relationship will get better. She keeps forcing me to accept God & Jesus (I’m not a Christian and I really don’t think that b*tch is either. Like most Christians that are like her, it’s the perfect godly image they like having). She believes it’s the Devil, if only she knew that she IS the “Devil” black parents stay blaming the Devil when they know they are wrong as parents. I’m not falling for her bullsh*t anymore, I’m not trying to build a relationship with my mom or want her in my life. When I get married and have kids, they will more than likely not meet her. You know how embarrassing it is, to like talking to older women in hopes you’ll find a “mom”? I really want to know what it feels like to have your mom as your best friend. I don’t believe I’ll ever have that. Sorry it was so long, I had to get it off my chest.