bitter-pill

bitter pill.

the worst part was not knowing. not knowing if he was truly guilty. he did not know, so he acted like he was — he swallowed the pill he was given, because so many people were urging him to take it. and every time he took his dose, the sorrow crept up his throat, cut off his air supply, left him hanging from the branches of a willow tree. 

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Comprehensive List of Ryden Songs

For anon! Marking the songs written by Ryan as R and Brendon as B 

Northern Downpour: R The Ryden Song. 

  • Ryan told Brendon to pay special attention to the line ‘I know the world’s a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home’
  • Brendon has broken down many times while performing it post split and doesn’t sing it anymore
  • ‘I missed your skin when you were east’ is believed to be a reference to the Seattle lore. 
  • ‘Hey moon, please forget to fall down’ - Sun & Moon theory  

When The Day Met The Night: R obvious Sun & Moon theory also here Brendon uses male pronouns in the second verse!

Cape Town: R by The Young Veins, Ryan and Jon’s band, post split

  • Cape Town was the last show Panic played before they split
  • Includes the line ‘I loved you, I left you in Cape Town’
  • Ryan has also said the split was like breaking up with a girlfriend

The Other Girl: R 

  • ‘Don’t have much to say right now, Cause I’m trying to figure out, Why he’s with the other girl’ wow need I say more?

Bittersweet: B 

  • ‘I’ve been to Tokyo and to South Africa’ Cape Town is in South Africa and it’s like a response to Cape Town
  • ‘You could tell me secrets that I’ll probably repeat
    I’m not trying to hurt you, I just love to speak’  
    we know Ry is a secretive person and Brendon has a big mouth so yeah 

Nearly Witches: R+B ahhh The Song Of Salt and pain

  • Ryan wrote the song during the cabin days, but later Brendon used it on V&V with some modifications
  • basically he changed it from a creepy, spooky song to a romantic thing
  • also he changed Ryan’s ‘as a boy’ to ‘as a girl’
  • AND THE Main Thing: Brendon mocked Ryan’s original lyrics ‘here I am composing a burlesque’ Very Frequently by singing it in a.. camp way.. and thrusting his hips etc

Memories: B check this out

The Calendar: B subtlety has never been B’s best suite 

  • This is officially about the split and Ryan and Jon. Like confirmed.
  • but  ‘And I meant everything I said that night
    I will come back to life, But only for you’ 
  • ‘Put another ex on the calendar, Summer’s on its deathbed’ -Sun & Moon theory  
  • ‘at night your body’s a symphony, and I’m conducting’…!!

Hurricane: B 

  • Cause they know, I know that they don’t look like me.
    Oh, they know, I know that they don’t sound like me.  -
    referring to the young veins changing their style 
  • But he didn’t come and speak to me, Or put my heart at ease.

Casual Affair: B

  • preceded by an anti gay message from an old film during live shows
  • which possibly implies it’s about a gay affair? I think brendon said it was about fantasizing etc so yeah

Nicotine: B brendon’s denied it, but a lot of people think the muffled intro sounds like I love you Ryan Ross, but not right now…

Lonely Moonlight: R  Ryan’s solo work

  • ‘When I had a younger heart, You told me not to fear the dark’
  • ‘Someone I love loves someone else’  awww poor bb
  • also even the title is Sun & Moon theory

Where I Belong: R again one of Ry’s 2014 demos

  • If you wanna see the sun, You’re gonna have to dig your way out - Sun & Moon theory 
  • I know I should’ve never left, I’d gotten tired being buried -possibly he was tired of hiding behind Brendon’s voice for his words, but he regrets leaving
  • I hope that I’ve still got your help - Ryan’s actually said he’s not against working with panic again

Impossible Year: B

  • There’s no sunshine, This impossible year - Sun & Moon theory  
  • bitter pills, tattoos, last bruises, no you and me

House of Memories: B he’s not subtle lmao

  • Memories turn into daydreams, Become a taboo 
  • I think of you from time to time, More than I thought I would….You were just too kind And I was too young to know 
  • Those thoughts of past lovers, They’ll always haunt me.. I wish I could believe, You’d never wronged me 
  • honestly, brendon didn’t really have very serious relationships before Sarah so who is he talking about?? (ryanryanryan)

Golden Days: B the throam song (I’m looking @ u anna green)

  • I found a pile of Polaroids, In the crates of a record shop 
  • Boy he was something debonair in 1979
  • Time can never break your heart but it’ll take the pain away
10

FINALLY, THE MUCH AWAITED AND PROBABLY MUCH, MUCH NEEDED UPDATE TO THAT NONBINARY COMIC I DID LAST YEAR (last year????? I don’t remember)

I’ve learned a lot since then, and while I have to say the truth is a bitter pill to swallow, it does open my eyes to issues that I previously have not seen nor considered before. Being a cis Muslim woman is already hard enough as it is. But being an afab nonbinary Muslim? Oh boy. If I were to touch on that here I will not have the space to do so, and it’s honestly still something I’m learning about, so I don’t have the resources or knowledge enough to talk about this here.

Yes we still have a lot of things we need to work out on. Yes, I probably will never take my hijab off knowing what kind of things I might end up getting if I did (I could get kicked out of my own house, for one). I realize and understand these are issues faced by nb Muslims like me EVERYWHERE. 

But you know what? 

In the end only Allah can judge you for who you are. And I highly doubt He cares what you identify with. All I know is that He is Most Merciful and Most Forgiving. So fuck what people tell you. You’re valid, your gender is valid, your beliefs are valid, and you can be both at the same time and still be a good Muslim. 

Fuck what everyone says. Be you, do you!

*My ask box & IM is open for any nonbinary Muslim that wants to talk or vent about it to me. You’ll always find a place here with me. I promise.

Katie’s Graduation Present

Katie’s Graduation Present | Phil Lester has missed the majority of his daughter’s high school years because he’s spent the last four years in the military. When Dan finds out he’s going to miss her graduation, too, he throws a fit, and doesn’t even say “I love you,” before hanging up on him. So who’s the military guy in blue at the bottom of the bleachers? | Phan | Teen and Up | Reunion fic, light angst, happy ending, Parent phan | 1,849 Words

Disclaimer: In no way do I pretend that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.

I may have spent a good portion of the morning watching military reunion videos and I cried so hard I wrote a fic with my tears.

(Ao3)

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8


Baby, fineness is the way to kill
Tell me how it feel, bet it’s such a bitter pill
And yeah I know, you thought you had bigger, better things
Bet right now this stings

Who You Belong To

Description:  Jungkook has noticed you flirting with Taehyung for quite awhile and has finally decided you need to be reminded of who you belong to.

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Smut

Word Count: 8647

Warning: Dom!Jungkook, daddy kink, spanking, minor breath play, thigh riding, hair pulling, punishment, possessiveness

A/N: This is a happy birthday present to @avveh who has been my sounding board for literally every one of these fics.  She helps come up with general plots (what little plots I have in these smuts), what kinks to throw in, even some of the dirty talk, so of course I owed her a birthday present full of her favorite things.

The entire idea for this smut started between the two of us when the Bangtan Bomb for Sope-me was released.  We are possessive smut trashy fangirls and created an entire scenario based on the moment Jungkook got water and looked at something with, what interpreted as, a jealous look.  This is the kind of friendship we have.  We feed each other’s delusions.

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Hey, all!  Amy here and feel free to skip this, but I noticed a huge thing going around with fanfiction writers and fanfiction readers. Kinda throwing arrows at one another over mistakes and how they should be addressed.

Okay, first off: stop.  Ew.  It’s gross. Y’all are big boys and girls and y’all can act like it.  You don’t need to attack each other at the knees behind the safety of your screens.

Secondly:  there are points on both sides.  People who write have a right to be proud of their work and can choose not to accept criticism.  On the other hand, people who read and absorb the work have the right as well to point out mistakes they noticed if it’s meant to be helpful.

So how can people interact civilly when it comes to fanfiction and it’s accompanying critiques? By following a few internet rules, plain and simple.  No, I’m not gonna tell you to forgive and forget or just roll over and let the other person have their way.  That’s not what you do IRL and that’s not what you do online either.  Instead, both persons have a series of rules to follow in order to try and make the most of their experience.

Originally posted by m-blunicorn

FOR THE WRITERS:

I start with you because you’re the ones who have poured your heart and soul into this baby. And I get it, I do.  When you spend hours and hours slaving over your baby, going over the idea thousands of times in your head, trying to get the idea on paper, and trying to make it look good, then oh heck to the yes it’s your baby and you’re gonna defend it to the death.  I expect that and that’s okay.  What’s not okay is when it interferes with your ability to check in with the situation and see if they actually meant harm, so here are a few rules I’ve started to use over my years of fanfiction writing:

  1. Read the entire comment for content.  This is a bitter pill to take, especially if they sound condescending or snarky.  I’ve run into a few of them, and they’re never pleasant to deal with, but some of them have good ideas.  Try to filter out the junk of the comment and get to the meat of it all.  (I’ll get to what to do if there’s no meat later)
  2. Take a break from the comment when you get angry. And chances are that if it’s an unsolicited comment, you’re going to get angry.  This is your baby and you’ve worked hard on it.  If the crtiquer isn’t at least taking that into account, you may even get furious.  Get up and walk away.  They do not deserve your wrath.
  3. Decide for yourself if they have a point. Most critiquers tend to leave their comments because they’re trying to help in their own (somewhat obnoxious) way. If they’ve got a point, thank them, but also try to express if the critique was delivered well.  If it was, tell them so they can help more people. If not, tell them so they can work on it.  IF THEY DO NOT HAVE ANY POINT AT ALL AND ARE JUST BEING RUDE, get rid of it.  They’re not worth your time.
  4. Respond or toss.  This is up to you.  If they had content that was actually useful, then they were being helpful like they were trying to be.  If they had content and it wasn’t useful, it’s up to you what to do.  If they had zero content in their critique or it wasn’t relevant at all, skip it.  They’re not worth your time.

I actually formed these rules after an encounter with a critiquer who was completely neutral in tone, blurted my mistakes for the world to see, and essentially made me feel like the absolute worst writer in the world.  They weren’t harsh, but their critique did hurt me, especially because I’d still just been starting out.

The first thing that happened was I got angry.  I was livid, furious.  Like, how dare they?  Couldn’t they just sit back and enjoy the story?  I spent a good week or so avoiding my fanfiction account just because I was so pissed off.  I ended up talking to my mom and she asked me if they had any points.  I think she was going for “if they don’t, then they’re not worth your time”, but they did. After that, I went back and tried to see it from their point of view.

Originally posted by geekylaugifs

Didn’t mean I suddenly wasn’t mad at them.  I was mad, but I also realized that they, in their own roundabout and hurtful (to me, who reads inflection into typed words and winces at every loud noise and criticism) way, were trying to help me.

I worked on it, and I don’t think they ever commented on my stuff again, but the people who already loved my stuff?  The people who said that my stuff was ‘cute’ or ‘genius’?  They loved it all the more!  The critiquer may not have stuck around, but those who did benefited.

(It really took me a long time to stop being angry at them.  Now I just kind of take a lesson from them.  As a fanfiction writer, and as a critiquer myself.)

Originally posted by trendinggifs

FOR THE CRITIQUER:

I’m saying this as someone who has pretty high standards for what I read.  I look into formatting, tenses, plot, characterization, spelling, and even comma usage!  These little things do actually bug me, and sometimes enough to the point of wanting to comment, but I’ve been on the other side of it and remember the frustration and the anger that can come from a wrongly worded comment, so there are a few rules that I’ve formulated in order to be the best critiquer I can be and help as many people as possible get as amazing as they can as a writer!

Note:  These rules are for critiquers who actually do want to help writers get better and improve the overall quality of internet written works. If you’re here because of some superiority complex, these rules may be difficult for you to follow.  I, however, encourage you to do your best and perhaps one day you’ll be a good critiquer.  *^_^*

  1. Find a way to figure out if the author even wants your critique.  One way to do this is to respectfully ask them.  Always open with a positive.  Something like “Hey, I liked ___ about your story, but I noticed something was a bit off. Can I give you a constructive critique?” Typically, an author would be happy to know you cared about their opinion, so this will go either one of two ways.  They will either (A) allow the critique and actually listen to what you have to say or (B) politely decline the offer.  This means they have made up their mind and you are to let it go.  The back button is a wonderful friend at this point.
  2. Follow the sandwich format.  This is a tried and true method for getting people to actually listen.  If you start in with the critique, the author will feel attacked and immediately get defensive.  Instead of wondering if you’ve got any point, they will find ways to contradict you and argue.  Instead, open with something you liked about the story.  There was a reason you read it all to the end, wasn’t there?  Mention that first (AND BE HONEST!  NO ONE LIKES SOMEONE WHO GIVES OUT FALSE COMPLIMENTS), and then get to the critique, or ‘meat’, of your critique.  When that’s done, exit with a thank-you for being willing to listen to your comments.  It takes a lot for a creator to listen to someone point out the flaws in their baby, even if they’re trying to learn.  Remember that you want this to be a positive interaction, not a demolition derby.
  3. No insults or other derogatory comments. Unless explicitly stated otherwise, the writer is trying their best.  Insulting them makes them less willing to hear you out, much less accept your comments and get better.
  4. No elevating yourself over them.  It’s a no-brainer.  You’re not there to school them, you’re there to help them.  Helping requires a serving mind, which puts their needs before your ego.
  5. Do not hound the author.  If they listen but don’t take your comments, you’re not allowed to harass them.  Most likely, they don’t see a point in your comment and have elected to ignore it. And that’s fine.  The point is that you managed to bring it to their attention once.  Maybe they’ll come back to it later, maybe not.  Either way, once your critique is given, it’s done.  Unless they come to you asking about it, your job is to pack up and vamoose, or simply to sit back and enjoy watching the rest of the story unfold.
  6. Make sure your comments are objective.  Like, if there’s a comma problem, tell them about it. If there’s verb tenses being messed up, inform them politely.  If person A didn’t get with person B, then you’re not critiquing.  That’s a matter of opinion and doesn’t belong in the critiquing category.
  7. Be respectful.  They’re going on a limb and listening to you, and it’s the author’s choice whether or not to continue the correspondence. You don’t have to ‘kiss up to them’ or ‘serve them’, but you have to make sure you’re not being a jerk and that all your comments are warranted.

Originally posted by yourreactiongifs

I know there are a lot of rules, but critiquing is hard, especially with how a lot of people view them.  But you, the critiquer, ARE NOT EVIL.  You’re not the bad guy.  You’re not messed up.  You’re not ‘sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong’.  You’re human and you’re trying to be helpful.  These are just tips and tricks on how to go about it the right way and maximize your helpfulness.

Originally posted by hippie-janessa

FOR EVERYONE!!

The last thing I’ll say is that not everyone will follow these rules.  They will think they’re stupid or pandering or all-around dumb. Some people who claim to critique will continue to slander our good name by acting like holier-than-thou snits. Some people who write will continue to get outrageously angry for persons daring to say something went wrong.

Originally posted by blisteredblue

Here’s how to deal with them:

  1. Leave the computer.  Or the website, just for a bit.  Enjoy the sunshine, take a walk, talk with your best friend, eat some ice cream, go play.  See if it just blows over.  They don’t get to take away your happiness because they’re angry.
  2. Delete the hate.  When you’re good and happy, you can delete the hate mail, or maybe grab a friend to laugh at it.  But don’t respond to hate with anger.  As my good friend Warlord Okeer said, you shall inflict “the greatest insult an enemy can suffer. To be ignored.”
  3. If they chase you down in anger, block them. This is okay to do.  For fanfiction writers:  if they continue to pester you with their comments after you say ‘no thanks’, block their tails.  For fanfiction critiquers:  if they got angry over a critique you gave, provided that they said okay and provided that you followed the rules of critiquing, you’re allowed to block them. You did it right.  Don’t even stress.

And then there are the times where we forget to follow the rules and insult someone on accident. It happens.  If you realize you’re in the wrong, it’s just one rule.

  1. Apologize.  No, you don’t have to grovel for forgiveness, but understand that your actions may have hurt someone else and react accordingly.  If they won’t take it, at least make the promise to yourself to be better in the future.

And that’s it.  I know it seems like a lot to swallow, but it all boils down to making sure your words are respectful, kind, and true.

Originally posted by fandomdeluxe

Tl;dr:  MAKE SURE YOUR WORDS ARE RESPECTFUL, KIND, AND TRUE!!

8

Doctor Who, one episode per-series: S2E08 → The Impossible Planet                                         “That’s the black hole. In the scriptures of the Veltino, this planet’s called Krop Tor. The bitter pill.  And the black hole is supposed to be a mighty demon who was tricked into devouring the planet only to spit it out because it was poison. Stars breaking up. Gas clouds. We have whole solar systems being ripped apart above our heads, before falling into that thing. So a bit worse than a storm, then? Just a bit. Just a bit, yeah”

The Ryden Song Encyclopedia

“by @edgyemoepiphany (me) 

I’ve seen many Ryden lists floating around in the abyss of Tumblr, but now I’m creating an ultimate list with not only Panic! songs but Young Veins and solo work as well. This includes all popular fan theory, intrepretaions, & some of my theories as well. This will be mostly in order of release (or tracks on an album). Here we go! ☟  

This Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed) (written by Ryan) 

see under Northern Downpour for Seattle Theory 

  • later Brendon sings “I never said I’d leave this city, I never said I’d leave Seattle” 

I Have Friends in Holy Spaces (written by Brendon)

  • “You remind me of a former love that I once knew… We were holding hands walking through the middle of the street It’s fine with me, I’m just taking in the scenery“ 
  • “You remind me of a few of my famous friends
    Well, that all depends what you qualify as friends“ more than friends? 
  • “I’m just saying that I like it a lot
    More than you think, if the sun would come out and sing with me” sun/moon theory 

Northern Downpour (written by Ryan) 

  • ahh yes … the most popular Holy Grail of Ryden lore (unless you fancy Myrtle Beach more)  
  • XXX 
  • the birth of the Seattle Theory ☟
  • Ryan was in New York at his 21st birthday party. Brendon was in Seattle. Ryan supposedly (aka definitely) took the red-eye flight from NY to Seattle to be with Brendon. A fan took a picture with them in Seattle. Ryan was still wearing the same clothes! The fan stated that the pair went out together. 
  • Northern Downpour was written about this ☝ experience according to Ryden fans.   
  • “I missed your skin when you were east.” 
  • Ryan has also said that he always wanted to settle down in Seattle. 
  • also see This Green Gentleman for rest of Seattle Theory 
  • XXX  
  • Ryan once told Brendon to “pay special attention to the line”: “I know the World’s a broken bone, but melt you headaches call it home.” Later after the band split Brendon breaks down singing this line. 
  • Beebo cries during this song so much tbh. 
  • Brendon no longer performs it.  
  • “Hey moon, please forget to fall down” This line is believed to be sun/moon theory, but I personally think they mean they never want the night to end. 

When The Day Met The Night (written by Ryan) 

  • sun/moon theory 
  • 2nd verse male pronouns? 

Mad as Rabbits (written by Ryan) 

  • considered the Panic! LGBTQ+ anthem (along with G/G/B) 
  • “Reinvent Love” - originally a line from Arthur Rimbaud who was openly gay. He wrote, “I don’t like women. I like men. We must reinvent love.” Some believe this idea of love became the concept of Pretty Odd. 
  • In the final seconds of the final album with Panic! At The Disco as complete band together, Brendon and Ryan together harmonize on this defining line: Reinvent Love. 
  • Ryan often wore the reinvent love slogan. Except there is a photograph of him wearing Brendon ♥ on a headband. 

Take A Vacation! (written by Ryan - The Young Veins)  

  • sad because Ryan originally wrote this song among others to be on the next Panic! album after Pretty Odd 

Cape Town (written by Ryan - The Young Veins) 

  • The band performed its last show together here. 
  • This is where Ryden fans say Ryden broke up. 
  • When asked what happened in Cape Town, Zack responded: almost exactly the lyrics. 
  • “I loved you, I left you in Cape Town” 
  • “Woke me in the morning, asked me if I meant it, I didn’t” This is Ryan’s POV. In The Calendar by Brendon (a song that Brendon confirmed was about the breakup), he says “And I meant everything I said that night. I will come back to life but only for you.” 
  • Ryan said the split was like breaking up with a girlfriend. 

The Other Girl (written by Ryan - The Young Veins) 

  • “Don’t have much to say right now, Cause I’m trying to figure out, Why he’s with the other girl” 

Lie To The Truth (written by Ryan - The Young Veins) 

  • “When I started out writing you this song I was heels over head in love” Ryan started writing TAV while Panic! was still together. 
  • “But you had your doubts cause it took to long to finally see what I what I’d been doin wrong” 
  • “I tried to love you but You still loved him so I’ll ignore my heart and lie to the truth I’ll lie to the truth” 
  • “A love of mine once said ‘The best part about you was me’“ Brendon would say that.  
  • Here it is ladies & gentlemen & non identifying beautiful peoples: “I know I broke your heart. Mine is broken, too. Now if we’re even, then why are we both blue?” This completely sums up their breakup. And the icing on the cake? Here’s Brendon’s direct response from “Hallelujah”: “Being blue is better than being over it.” Cue explosions… and tears.   
  • Last lines of the song: “We tried to be true, but you still loved him, so I’ll keep my distance, And lie to the truth, I lie to the truth, I lie to the truth, Cause you lied to it too”
  • The truth that they were in love? Did they lie to it? 

And here we arrive to the V & V pit, where we can see how hard it is for Beebo to be subtle. P.S. It’s impossible. 

Memories (written by Brendon) 

  • “He was the congregation’s vagrant” Perhaps Brendon referring to himself since he used to be Mormon. “With an unrequited love” ahh there it is 

Hurricane (written by Brendon) 

  • “Cause they know, I know that they don’t look like me.
    Oh, they know, I know that they don’t sound like me.” Young Veins & Panic!’s difference in style
  • “But he didn’t come and speak to me, Or put my heart at ease.” 

Always (written by Brendon) 

  • “It was always you falling for me.” 

The Calendar (written by Brendon) 

  • This is previously mentioned. 
  • Confirmed to be about the band breaking up. 
  • “And I meant everything I said that night
    I will come back to life, But only for you” (see under Cape Town)
  • “Put another ex on the calendar, Summer’s on its deathbed” sun/moon theory  
  • “at night your body’s a symphony, and I’m conducting” I got nothin. 

Nearly Witches (originally written by Ryan but changed & used by Brendon)

  • Ryan made original demo. Brendon made it a very pop-like song. 
  • Brendon changed Ryan’s “as a boy” to “as a girl”. 
  • Brendon sings Ryan’s “Here I am composing a burlesque” very mockingly. 

Bittersweet (written by Brendon) 

  • “I’ve been to Tokyo and to South Africa” a response to Ryan’s Cape Town lyric 
  • “You could tell me secrets that I’ll probably repeat I’m not trying to hurt you, I just love to speak”  Ryan = shy, Brendon = big mouthed 

Nicotine (written by Brendon) 

  • Someone said Brendon has denied it, but in the intro it sounds like he is saying “I love you Ryan Ross but not right now.” 
  • Idk 

Lonely Moonlight (written by Ryan - solo) 

  • Sun/moon theory 
  • “regret” 
  • “I wandered through the sunshine, remembering when you were mine” 
  • “Someone I love, loves someone else” Oh. My. 

Where I Belong (written by Ryan - solo) 

  • aka rip my heart out and tear it to shreds… then throw it under a bus 
  • “If you wanna see the Sun…” sun/moon theory 
  • “I know I should have never left, I’d gotten tired of being buried” Ryan still wants to be a part of the band even though he didn’t get to sing his own words. He was supposed to be the frontman, and he was the lyricist but kinda got buried behind Brendon, who’s the lead singer. 
  • “I hope that I’ve still got your help” return?  

Hallelujah (written by Brendon) 

  • see under Lie To The Truth by Ryan 

Golden Days (written by Brendon) 

  • Old Panic! was the Golden Days  
  • Could “pile of polaroids” be A Picture With Books? 
  • This is so throam. 

House of Memories (written by Brendon)  

  • umm who is Brendon’s greatest memory - Ryan  
  • “I think of you from time to time, More than I thought I would, You were just too kind, And I was too young to know”
  • “Those thoughts of past lovers, They’ll always haunt me, I wish I could believe, You’d never wronged me” 

and the final crescendo of Ryden songs… 

Impossible Year (written by Brendon) 

  • Brendon wrote this song right after the band broke up. (This is confirmed.) Meaning “this impossible year” is his year without Ryan
  • “There’s no sunshine, this impossible year” sun/moon theory 
  • “There’s no sunshine
    This impossible year
    Only black days and sky grey
    And clouds full of fear *feeling of fear and sadness
    And storms full of sorrow
    That won’t disappear

    Just typhoons and monsoons
    This impossible year”
  • “There’s no good times
    This impossible year
    Just a beachfront of bad blood 
    And a coast that’s unclear *unclear future without Ryan
    All the guests at the party
    They’re so insincere
    They just intrude and exclude
    This impossible year“ 
  • There’s no you and me *!!!
    This impossible year
    Only heartache and heartbreak
    And gin made of tears
    The bitter pill I swallow
    The scars souvenir
    That tattoo, your last bruise
    This impossible year“
  • “There’s never air to breathe
    There’s never in-betweens
    These nightmares always hang on past the dream“ 
  • “There’s no sunshine
    There’s no you and me
    There’s no good times
    This impossible year” 

anonymous asked:

Some mingyu angst would bc nice like due to being an idol you havent seen him latley and hes all stressed and accidently tells u he doesnt love u anymore hehe can it have a happy ending

“I really like you, and it would be amazing if you wanted to go out with me, Y/N.”

It had been a bit over a year since Mingyu first asked you to date him, his eyes full of hope and a small smile playing on his lips. It felt like it had just happened the day before, and a part of you almost wished it had.

Most of that year had been amazing: he had been so loving, so invested in your relationship and so there that it pained you to be reminded of the present reality, where you were always the one to contact him, got late replies if any, and were able to see him only rarely. It was upsetting, to say the least, yet somehow the memories of how good he could be kept you there, hoping that things would change.

Besides, for those short moments that you were able to see him every now and then, he was, more often than not, much like the Mingyu in your memories: cuddly, sweet and apologetic whenever he felt like he had wronged you, in one way or another. 

Although, even that had started to change, and little by little Mingyu started being distant and tense even with you, saying rash things more and more often and apologizing while rubbing his temples and saying that he’s been really stressed lately.

You supposed you were lucky to know the reason behind the change - as a member of a very popular idol group who had a lot of activities, it was only natural for Mingyu to be busy and tired - but it didn’t make it any less of a bitter pill to swallow.

That evening, you had been fortunate enough to schedule a dinner date with Mingyu, which you had been looking forward to for a good while: those, or any kind of dates, were a rarity. When he had arrived at your place, you greeted him with an excited smile and gave him a hug, trying not to mind the fact that his arms didn’t wrap around you like they used to.

“How have you been?” you asked brightly, leading Mingyu to the kitchen, where you had already taken out some food supplies you’d be using to make dinner together. He smiled weakly, and you could hear him sigh.

“Busy and tired,” he mumbled while following you. “We practice around the clock, and it’s starting to take a toll, especially with all the performances added to that.”

“I can imagine,” you said quietly, saddened by the fact that he had to be working so hard, but didn’t mention it. Mingyu didn’t reply as he looked at the ingredients you had set out.

“Are we making steak?” he asked, seeming somewhat disappointed, at which you frowned a little.

“Yeah, I thought you liked it,” you said with a slightly quirked eyebrow and turned to look at Mingyu, who still had a sourish face on.

“Sure, but I’m not really feeling it today…” he trailed off and sighed heavily. “But it’ll do, don’t worry.”

Food had never been an obstacle before, so you felt a bit upset at his words, but tried to shrug the feeling off. After all, you were with Mingyu for the first time in a long time, and you wanted to make the best out of it. …Or try to, at least.

You cooked with an unusual silence over you, considering you normally talked quite a bit, sharing stories about your days and just updating each other in general. And yet now there was none of that, and what made you feel the most anxious was that not once had he asked how you were or what you had been up to.

Far gone were his regular check-ups on you and his interest in you, on many levels.

“Mingyu, is everything okay?” you asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as you possibly could while feeling like you were next to a stranger while he was the person who had gotten closer to you than anyone else, and got back a low, disinterested hum. “You don’t… seem good.”

He let out a sigh. “Like I said, I’m tired. I’m fine. Let’s just get this dinner over and done with.”

Your heart dropped at his words, which he said so harshly that there was not much room for interpretations: he felt like your date was a chore.

Swallowing, you continued chopping the cucumber that your salad was still missing. “…Right.”

The dinner itself was just as disappointing as the cooking, and you found yourself waiting for it to end, even if - or exactly because - it meant you wouldn’t see Mingyu for another few weeks at least. You barely talked, and even your appetite had disappeared on most part: you could hardly finish the small portion of food that you had taken on your plate.

Not much after finishing his food, Mingyu emptied his glass and sighed. “I should get going.”

If the night had gone any differently you would’ve disappointedly asked him ”Already?” yet now you found yourself feeling indifferent as you nodded. “Okay.”

He took his dishes away and moved on to put his jacket and shoes on while you took your own dishes to the sink, some food still on the plate. Afterwards you went to the clothing rack, where he was getting dressed, but didn’t get too close to him.

Before leaving and mumbling, “Goodbye,” he gave you a quick peck on your temple and briefly placed his hand on your lower back.

As the door closed behind him, you let out a shaky sigh, your apartment feeling a lot colder than it actually was. Anxious, frustrated and sad tears welled up in your eyes at the realization that the only physical contact you had gotten from Mingyu after a month of not seeing him were a quick peck on your temple and his hand on your back for two seconds.

Were you even dating anymore?



The next time you were ’fortunate’ enough to see Mingyu, the tension between the two of you could’ve been cut with a knife. He was visibly tired and you knew how busy he was, but none of it excused the way he had treated you, whether it was via text messages or in person.

That day, you visited him at the dorm, invited by him, yet you were met with barely anything more than a cold shoulder.

“Hi,” Mingyu said when he saw you at the door to his room, and you stared at him.

“That’s all?” you asked, taking slow steps towards him while he sat by the desk in the room. You took a seat on the bed you could somewhat remember belonging to Jihoon, and fiddled with the hem of your shirt. You felt so anxious you might as well have thrown up, but were somewhat able to keep your composure. After all, it had to be done.  “Mingyu… I want to be honest with you.”

“What’s on your mind?” he asked with a sigh and turned to look at you. You clenched your teeth, then clicked your tongue before finally speaking up again.

“I don’t know what’s happening, but I really feel like… you know, if you loved me, you’d put more of an effort into this relationship of ours, or what’s left of it,” you said, articulating each word as well as you could while trying to will your body not to shake so awfully, which was rather futile.

Mingyu blinked. “Exactly.”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “What does tha–”

If I loved you,” he said blankly, as though slamming the ugly truth straight into your face.

And just like that, you felt your heart drop, your stomach turn, air leave your lungs, your vision blur with tears…

Something along the lines of the beginning of a heartbreak.

“That’s it,” you said, your voice now shaky and giving away the emotional turmoil you were in, and stood up. Even your legs felt shaky as you walked to the door. “After everything… I’m done.”

It wasn’t until you had slammed the door shut behind yourself that Mingyu started realizing just what had happened, but by the time he had left the bedroom, you were already gone from the dorm. Some of the members had come out from wherever they had been, and having witnessed your rather emotional storming out, were now staring at Mingyu disapprovingly.

“What did you do?” Minghao asked with a pout, his eyebrows in a frown.

Mingyu ran his fingers through his hair and sighed exasperatedly. “Something really stupid.”

“No kidding,” Seungkwan mumbled in dismay and shook his head. Some of the others mumbled something in agreement, and in the end Mingyu groaned and locked himself up in his bedroom.

How had things ended up like that?



You hated going back home, because for most of the journey, there were tears streaming down your cheeks, which attracted way more attention than you wanted on yourself in that moment.

You felt sick to your stomach, your heart was aching, you were cold and shaky, and most annoyingly, your mind wouldn’t stop replaying some of the best memories you had of your relationship with Mingyu.

All of the times he had smiled at you while hugging you, or cuddled you peacefully, or teased you and said he loved you right after, or leaned down to press the softest of kisses to your lips…

“I hate him,” you said through your tears when you locked the door to your apartment behind yourself and threw your bag and jacket to the floor, not caring where they ended up, and toed your shoes off.

Almost blindly, you went to your bed, got under the blankets and grabbed the extra pillow you had lying around, hugging it tight to your chest.

It didn’t stop the ache nor did it make you feel particularly better, but it did give you the tiniest sense of comfort.

Some time later, you heard your phone ring, and upon checking it, saw that it was Mingyu.

Wincing, you declined his call and turned your phone off before returning to hugging your pillow, which you still held close to yourself when you fell asleep around half an hour later, your tears having stained your cheeks and your eyes annoyingly puffy already.

The last thought before you drifted off to sleep was that you should’ve known it wouldn’t be easy to date an idol.

You should’ve known that you were bound to get hurt.



Days rolled by one by one, and with you having blocked Mingyu in just about every platform you could think of, you were slowly starting to feel a bit more at ease.

You still winced whenever there was something that reminded you of him - which was awfully many things, really - but at least you didn’t have to witness his attempts of contacting you, and finally it felt like a good thing that he was too busy to drop by.

During the first few days, you collected most of his things that had in one way or another ended up at your place, into a box. It wasn’t that many things, really: mostly some pieces of clothing or jewelry, some CDs or scents, among everything else.

It was more and more frequently that you found yourself looking out of the window and getting lost in your thoughts, the main one revolving around how much it hurt to hear someone you had loved for so long suddenly say “If I loved you”.

You couldn’t help but wonder when the feeling had first died.

Whether it was because you were drained from energy or because the ringing of your doorbell brought you back to reality from one of such journeys to your thoughts, you completely forgot about the possibility of the visitor being someone you didn’t want to see as you went to the door.

And indeed, as soon as you opened the door, you were met with Mingyu, holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers and looking almost as horrendous as you were.

“Y/N, I want to ta–”

The sight had made your heart skip a beat, and definitely not in a good way, and suddenly you went from feeling nice and calm to full blown anxiety as you shut the door.

“Go away,” you said through the door, holding your hands against the wood as if you were trying to prevent Mingyu from opening it, despite the door being locked already.

“I’m sorry,” Mingyu said, and it hurt you more than you wanted it to when you heard him sniffle. “I’ve been so stupid and I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t have–”

“That’s right,” you said through your own tears, sniffling as you wiped your eyes with your sleeves. “You shouldn’t have said anything, you shouldn’t have treated me so badly, you shouldn’t have–”

“Been such a lousy boyfriend, I know,” he continued your sentence, and you hummed in a reply, sniffling. Mingyu sighed shakily, looking at the flowers he was holding. “I got you your favorite flowers, Y/N. I know how much you like them. Even if you don’t want to talk with me, please accept them.”

Your heart beat fast in your chest as you processed his words, thinking about all the possible outcomes of whatever you chose to do next, and eventually you found yourself opening the door, although very slowly.

“…Come in, I’ll listen, but only for as long as I’m comfortable with. I’ve got some of your stuff to give you anyway,” you said quietly, looking at Mingyu’s feet instead of his face. He nodded and waited for you to move away from the doorway until he took slow steps into your apartment.

In silence, you went to sit on your couch, and a bit awkwardly, Mingyu brought the flowers closer to you. “So… these are for you.”

“Thanks,” you mumbled and looked at the flowers, cursing the fact that they were the very same ones he had somehow managed to give you on your first date as tears welled up in your eyes again, and you had to wipe them away.

Without much consideration, Mingyu got an arm around you and pulled you close, placing his lips to the top of your head.

And as much as you wanted to stay strong and pull away, it was an undeniable fact that Mingyu’s arms were one of your absolute favorite places to be, and in that moment that was right where you needed to be.

“I love you,” Mingyu whispered, and you could feel his tears fall onto your head. “I’m so sorry about everything.”

You nodded and weakly clung onto the sweater he was wearing while holding the flowers on your lap.

“You should be,” you muttered, and slowly lifted your face, tainted with tears, much like Mingyu’s. Your lips quivered and your voice wavered as you spoke. “You broke my heart.”

“I know,” Mingyu said, his lips forming an involuntary pout. “And I’m so sorry.”

You hid your face in his chest for a while, trying to calm down while a surprisingly comfortable silence hung over you.

“If… if you’d let me, I’d like to help you fix it, too,” Mingyu said suddenly, his voice quiet yet still emotional. You bit on your lower lip.

“You can try,” you whispered, sighing. “I’ll let you try.”

“Thank you,” he merely breathed and hugged you close.

You hadn’t forgiven him, no, but you were willing to see how things would play out if you did let him, indeed, try. If it got too much, you could always end it.

But for the time being, you wanted to enjoy the comfort of his embrace, which you had missed more than you could express with words, after months and months of not experiencing it.

“I’ve missed this,” Mingyu noted quietly, his hand stroking your arm soothingly. You hummed. “I’ll make sure that things will change.”

Nodding slowly, you sighed and relaxed against him.

“I’m tired,” you said, and got an amused huff of breath from Mingyu.

“You should sleep. I can go,” he mumbled softly, and blinked in surprise when you shook your head.

“Stay,” you said just as softly, and looked up at him, “I want to be with you for a little more.”

He melted into a warm smile as he nodded and took you to bed, and held your hand while you got comfortable under your blankets and fell asleep in a blink of an eye.

You were surprised to find Mingyu there even when you woke up, but you felt surprisingly serene at the sight. Stroking his hair slowly, you smiled a little when his eyes fluttered open.

“Don’t you have places to be?” you asked quietly, and got back a goofy smile and his hand slowly reaching for your cheek, and when you didn’t pull away, he cupped it gently.

“Not today.”


Admin Scooter

Insomnia

This was requested sometime back. I’m not too thrilled with it, but it wasn’t going to get much better than this. I had something else written, but decided to write about something I had personal experience with instead. Thank you all for your patience and for reading!

        The blaring horn sound of Shawn’s alarm echoed through the bus, letting me know that it was seven in the morning. I didn’t move, continuing to stare at the ceiling of the back room which I had been doing for the past two hours. I was exhausted, mentally and physically, yet sleep seemed content with skipping over me the last three nights. It was my first-time visiting Shawn on tour and from night one, it was a disaster.

           I had been sick before I’d even arrived. I had a cough that just wouldn’t go away and it peaked the second day I was here. Shawn took me to Urgent Care without hesitation as I was wheezing and could hardly breathe. After a chest x-ray, it was confirmed that I had a mild case of Walking Pneumonia. I was given a breathing treatment, steroids, antibiotics, an inhaler, and extremely potent cough syrup and sent on my way.

Keep reading

the mischaracterization of fenris

After being in the Dragon Age fandom for a considerable amount of time, there are common misconceptions about Fenris that I see being shared frequently. Fenris is a very popular character in the fandom and he no doubt is treated more favorably than Anders, but he is still mischaracterized by the fandom. The main fallacy that I am addressing today is “Fenris hates all mages!” which is just… why. The fandom frequently reduces Fenris to a few traits which do not accurately represent his character as there is so much more to him than that.

First and foremost, Fenris does not hate mages. Yes, he disapproves when you side with mages, but you have to keep his background in mind. Fenris was a slave in the Tevinter Imperium for a large portion of his life, and anyone who has played any of the Dragon Age games - especially Dragon Age 2 and Dragon Age: Inquisition - know full well about mistreatment of slaves by most mages and magisters in Tevinter. Slaves are are treated horribly–they are forced to endure every kind of abuse and are sometimes sacrificed in blood rituals for the mages’ benefit. From Fenris you find out that he was physically and verbally abused, denied meals and denied sleep. According to his sister Varania, he entered a grueling competition to win freedom for his mother and sister, and had lyrium etched into his skin through a ritual as a result of his victory–an extremely painful ritual which caused him to lose all of his memories as well. The markings themselves are very sensitive and painful, thus causing Fenris to show reluctance to being touched.

 As a result of the lyrium in his skin, Fenris was kept around by Danarius - the magister who was his master - paraded him around as some sort of awful attraction. Danarius also referred to Fenris as his “Little Wolf”, which is why it would be inappropriate for the fandom to refer to Fenris using that nickname since it is extremely possessive and dehumanizing. So when Fenris is being wary of any mages that Hawke meets during their travels, it is not because Fenris blames all mages that he meets for what happened to him, but because what he had experienced in the Imperium because of selfish mages is all he knows. Fenris isn’t barely restrained or just flat-out attacking any mages that they meet - he is on guard around mages he doesn’t trust or know personally, which brings me to another point: his relationship with Bethany.

When Hawke brings Bethany along to assist Fenris in quest ‘Bait and Switch’, Fenris tells Hawke to be careful of Bethany:

You harbor a viper in your midst. It will turn on you and strike when you least expect… that is in its nature.

Again, this points to Fenris experience during his time in Tevinter. He even speaks of how magic is a “plague” that has been burned into his skin (i.e. his lyrium markings) and soul. However, Fenris goes on to say that he is fully aware that magic itself is not bad and that there are mages who use magic responsibly. Of course, Fenris is still weary of even friendly mages as mages are at risk given their unique circumstances:

I’m not blind; I know magic has its uses, and there are undoubtedly mages with good intentions. But even the best-intentioned mage can fall prey to temptation. And then, their power is a curse to inflict upon others.

Where the fandom tends to go wrong with this is whenever they portray Fenris as being unreasonable in his distrust towards mages. They believe that Fenris hates all mages simply because they’re a mage and that there’s nothing more to it than that. To anyone who has paid attention to Fenris’ in-game dialogue, it’s apparent Fenris sees that Bethany fully understands the risks that come with being a mage:

Anders: Not all mages are weak.
Fenris: True. Bethany, for instance, was not weak.

This applies to a mage Hawke as well. Fenris is not unreasonable. He did not trust Bethany/mage Hawke at first, but after getting to know them, he realized that they were responsible individuals that he could trust. Incidentally, this mischaracterization of Fenris leads some in the fandom to believe that it would be impossible to romance/gain maximum affinity with Fenris if they are a (pro-) mage Hawke. Let me assure you right now that this is completely untrue–you can keep Fenris in your party without having to sacrifice your morals. As long as you are friendly to Fenris and don’t side with slavers, you can max out his friendship very quickly while still being very pro-mage.

Despite what happened to Fenris, he is still capable of moving on. Over the course of Act 2 you can clearly see Fenris coming to terms with his abuse in his personal quest ‘A Bitter Pill’. He is finally able to directly confront Hadriana, a magister working under Danarius who constantly tormented Fenris while he was a slave. This is also where he begins to realize that there are people who truly care for him–namely Hawke, regardless of whether Hawke is a mage or not. Like I mentioned before, Fenris is capable of seeing past the fact that someone is a mage. In the end, Hawke being a mage has no impact on how Fenris views them, which is apparent when he enters into a romantic relationship with Hawke or befriends them. 

Keep in mind that I am not saying that this excuses all of Fenris’ behavior towards mages, though. Fenris is still distrustful of mages. He still believes that Meredith is the only one keeping Kirkwall from going to hell, which we all know is… false, since Meredith and the rest of the templars actively antagonize mages and punish those who resist. I am merely reminding everyone not to forget Fenris’ personal experience with magic. 

Please do not downplay the severity of what was done to him. He has every right to be weary of mages. Do not portray Fenris as someone who would attack friendly mages on sight just because they are mages because Fenris has NEVER done that. So, to all of you who keep saying that Fenris would attack Dorian if they were to ever meet - replay the game and pay close attention to how Fenris interacts with mages.  Stop perpetuating that Fenris is a hateful individual who can barely restrain himself.