birth attendants

Naruto couples attend a birthing class
  • Chouji: Providing snacks for his wife's unstopable cravings.
  • Karui: Crying in the corner because she thinks she's getting fat, while assaulting a bag of chips.
  • Naruto: Has three clones assisting Hinata to change positions while he holds her hand the whole time.
  • Hinata: Strongly embarrassed at having to spread legs in front of the entire class.
  • Sasuke: Pretends to find it annoying but has sharingan activated the whole time to remember everything.
  • Sakura: Glaring at Ino and doing her best at following instructions.
  • Sai: Follows all the instructions, including those for women.
  • Ino: Glaring at Sakura and doing her best at following instructions.
  • Shikamaru: Sleeps and snores.
  • Temari: Tries to pay attention, but later falls asleep, too.

anonymous asked:

Hello I am potato anon and I love your blog! How would the RFA and V and Saeran react to MC telling them that they're pregnant? It would also be funny if MC told them in a funny way, like putting a bun in the oven. Thanks and keep up the awesome work!!!

The calm before the sin….. or was it after? Oh, and keep tissues nearby just in case.


RFA + V + Saeran react to MC announcing her pregnancy


  • You’d been trying for almost a year now
  • You’re both lowkey afraid that one of you might be infertile or what
  • You’ve visited specialists, but there’s nothing wrong with both of you when it came to fertility.
  • It’s just that… the embryo couldn’t hold on long enough to develop
  • So you undergo a special treatment to prevent miscarriages.
  • The pregnancy test comes out positive one day.
  • However, you wanted to make sure that it holds, so you wait a few more weeks before officially breaking the news to him.
  • “Yoosung, do you think I look pregnant in this?”
  • “Of course not, MC, and even if you do get f—–can you repeat that?”
  • “I said, do I look pregnant in this?”
  • WHAT
  • You almost gave the poor boy a heart attack
  • Envelopes you in a tight embrace and bawls incessantly for a few minutes
  • Both of you waited so long for this, you couldn’t help but cry with him
  • See MC, I’m not a baby. I was able to make one with you

ZEN / Hyun Ryu

  • You weren’t really sure how to bring the subject up to him when you found out.
  • He was busy with his projects and you wanted to support him with all you had.
  • Will the baby get in the way?
  • You’ve been together for a while now, but you never talked about having kids.
  • The opportunity arrived when you were both lazily spending your day off cuddling on the couch one day
  • So you try for subtle and see where it takes you.
  • “Zen, can you read the thermometer for me? I’m feeling a little warm.”
  • “Of course, babe” 
  • Absently takes the “thermometer” from you.
  • It takes him a while to realize that he’s looking at a pregnancy test strip.
  • Is SPEECHLESS when it finally sinks in
  • “Z-zen? Are– are you alright?” you worriedly ask
  • He turns to you, eyes shining and hopeful, “Really?”
  • “Yes.”
  • Is so excited, he tackles you into a hug Zencontrolthebeast
  • Quickly backs away when he remembers your condition
  • “I’m sorry, MC, I’m just so happy!”
  • You chuckle as he moves close to your abdomen and whispers, “you’re going to be the most gorgeous potato baby ever, I’m sure of it. Daddy loves you, okay?”
  • His popularity just rose up to 1000% when he wore a “call me daddy” shirt to an interview 
  • As if it weren’t bad enough with his narcissism, will spam the chat room with monthly updates


  • You were both busy at the cafe so it took a while before you both decided that you were ready for kids
  • Was afraid that either one of you might lose the other if there were complications during or after childbirth
  • You finally convince her after attending numerous lectures on family planning and in-vitro fertilization
  • However, being a same sex couple, it was hard to find a willing and qualified sperm donor
  • Even Zen volunteered to donate his seed
  • But not in the fun way, no
  • You were considering the sperm bank, while Jaehee was considering adoption
  • You received a call from the facility one day, saying that one of your candidates’ sperm was healthy enough
  • So you both have your eggs harvested and fertilized in a lab
  • The procedures took time, but the waiting was longer.
  • You tried to surprise her one day by eating the test dessert with “special” spoons
  • You were discreetly watching her when she seemed like she was thinking during her fifth bite
  • Thought it was odd that the spoon had grooves on it.
  • Were spoons supposed to be like that?
  • So she takes it out of her mouth and examines it.
  • Engraved on the silverware were the words “we’re expecting”, with little feet decorating the end of the text
  • “How… how many?”
  • “Three”
  • The spoon falls out from her grasp and she covers her face, crying
  • But they were tears of joy
  • You go over and hug her, and you stay like that for a couple of minutes


  • Came home to find you decorating the dinner table
  • ???? 
  • Was there a special occasion? Assistant Kang never mentioned anything
  • “Jumin, you’re right on time!” you approach him and welcome him home with a kiss
  • “Are we celebrating something?” he asks, confusion written all over his face
  • He’s probably thinking of ways to make it up to you in just in case
  • “Jumin, stop thinking, and just take a seat, okay?”
  • Noticed that the plating wasn’t as professional as the ones you regularly had
  • “The food presentation isn’t as extravagant as they should have been, I must contact the chef about this”
  • You stop him in time and explain that you insisted on personally preparing and cooking the food 
  • Apologizes to you, but then he notices that there’s no wine to go with the steak
  • “Oh, I left it chilling by the counter; I should go and get it.”
  • “No MC, stay there and I’ll get it,” he says, and makes his way to the kitchen
  • “While you’re at it dear, can you also check on the oven? I was baking earlier,” you call out to him
  • You wait expectantly as he moves around the kitchen
  • He comes out dazed, holding the wine with a special label that says “baby arriving on [due date], so drink for the two of us?” on one hand and a plated bun with a black and white photo on the other.
  • “Dear, what is the meaning of this?” he demands
  • “It’s what you think it is, love”
  • ……………
  • Couldn’t contain his joy at your admission, and pulls you in for a deep kiss
  • Vowed to be the best father to his children
  • Finds the best ob-gyne to take care of your needs 

707 / Saeyoung

  • Rushed you to the E.R. one day when you couldn’t stop retching.
  • He thought you were food poisoned
  • MC I told you to stop eating my chips when are you going to listen
  • But it turns out you were pregnant.
  • Can you imagine how excited this bean is
  • Reads books like “what to expect when you’re expecting”, and “Dude, you’re gonna be a dad!”
  • Oh, and did I mention that he had you attend a birthing class too?
  • Buys every imaginable baby item he finds
  • Saeyoung we aren’t putting up a store, stahp
  • Was sulking when you strongly refused to take him along for your ultrasound
  • Is confused when you hand him a box instead of an envelope when you return.
  • Opens it to find…peanuts?
  • Notices how all the peanut pods come in twos
  • Takes out all the peanuts from the box and finds an ultrasound photo at the bottom
  • His eyes bug out as he looks at it and reads the note
  • “TWINS???”
  • He couldn’t be even happier than he was at that moment.
  • His wish was finally coming true — he was going to have a family, and he sure as hell would do his damn best to make it a happy one.


  • Freaked out when he found a small, plastic baby in his cake pop one day
  • “MC, are you trying to make me choke? Why is this on the cake?” he demands, storming into the room
  • Finds you in the middle of setting up a crib with Saeyoung
  • “What… what’s all this? MC? Saeyoung?” he says in a panicky voice
  • uh-oh
  • You decide to use caution, and approach him carefully.
  • “Saeran, I think it would be best if we talk first, okay? Would you like to take a seat?” you suggest in a calm, soothing voice
  • He takes a seat, but you and Saeyoung both notice how his breathing has started to become shallow and rapid, signalling the start of a panic attack
  • You both take a seat on either side of him
  • Saeyoung instructs his brother to take deep breaths while you hold onto one of his hands to show your support
  • “Saeran, breathe, okay? And hold for 1…2…3… yes, yes, you’re doing fine….”
  • Saeyoung leaves the two of you when Saeran had finally calmed down, letting you discuss it with his brother privately.
  • “Why…. why didn’t you just tell me?” he asks, his expression pained.
  • “I….I don’t think I’m ready for this, MC. I might be okay now, but what about tomorrow? Or the day after that? You know my childhood was one of the worst, right? And then there was my stay with Rika and Mint Eye… I need more time to think about this.”
  • Your heart breaks a little at his admission, and more so when he leaves the room, not wanting you to follow him.
  • You tell his brother about what happened, and he tries for optimistic and advises you to observe first, that maybe Saeran was still warming to the idea
  • However, he avoids you for the days that followed; the air around the two of you especially awkward when you’re in the same room
  • Finally fed up with seeing you both suffer, Saeyoung declares that he was going for a drive with Saeran, and yanks him forcefully to the garage
  • During their absence, you think about just giving up the baby if he were still against it after the talk with his brother even if you knew that it would hurt you the most
  • He returns alone after an hour, plopping beside you on the couch. “So… MC…” he starts
  • “Saeran, I think… maybe I’ll give up on the baby if you’re really uncomfortable with it,” you say in one breath, trying to keep the tears at bay
  • “What? MC, no, I….” he sees the tears finally flowing uncontrollably from your eyes, and he embraces you. 
  • “We’re keeping the baby, MC. I’m still not sure if I could be a good parent, but after my talk with hyung, I… “ he releases you and wipes a stray tear from your cheek. ”I decided to give it a try, if you’re willing to work together with me and my issues.” 

V / Jihyun

  • “MC, I don’t understand why we have to hire a photographer. I AM a photographer, you know”
  • You found out that you were pregnant for 12 weeks, and you wanted to catch his expression when you finally told him about it.
  • So you convinced him that you needed to hire a photographer for a special set of photos
  • He wasn’t new to these quirks of yours, you wanting to capture moments where you’re together, and him giving in even if he only wanted to take pictures of you.
  • He arranges for Rui, his friend, to do the photoset.
  • You insisted on making the other preparations, and you all drive to a spot with a nice lake view
  • You gave him an A3-sized white bristol board and a black marker
  • “Write something that you love about me, V. But just one. And you have to do it facing the other way, so I can write mine.”
  • “Just one? But MC….” he stops when you give him “the look” and accepts the materials without a word.
  • With Rui taking pictures of the whole affair, you write “You’re going to be a Dad!” in big, block letters.
  • You both turn at the count of three to show what each had written, 
  • V drops his card when he reads yours
  • His expression is a mix of surprise and joy, and… something else.
  • You immediately understand where his thoughts were going, and threw the card to approach him.
  • He wasn’t crying, but you run soothing circles around his back anyway.
  • “I’m sorry, MC, I just remembered…” he said brokenly, trying to rein in his feelings.
  • This causes him to sit down on the ground, the announcement and his thoughts suddenly weighing down on him.
  • You kneel in front of him and take his face in both of your hands. “I know, V. I can’t and won’t stop you from loving her, but remember that the baby and I will still love you no matter what happens.” 
  • He looks up at you, the pain and unshed tears showing in his eyes. 
  • “Thank you, MC” he says, and leans into your touch.
  • Needless to say, V kept that emotional photoset close to his heart.
Borderlands Theory – Siren Powers Developing as a Response to Trauma


One of my favourite concepts in the Borderlands universe is the sirens; a race of magical woman with reality breaking powers and sweet tattoos.

Now that I’ve had the chance to complete borderlands1&2 as both playable sirens I’ve started to suspect that their abilities might have more to do with the environments they grew up in than I first assumed. 

Keep reading

Dawning in Dust: Part VIII

Previous chapter

Over the course of the next four days, Jamie began to heal and Claire began to distance herself. They would chat idly over neutral topics every morning and evening when she examined his wounds, but the conversation never flourished as it had during their first days together. Jamie never pushed and Claire could tell he was carefully controlling himself. She would pass his daily care off to his family and explore the farm and the lands surrounding it.

An outlander in this new community she found herself in, Claire tried to stay out of the way by searching the land for medicinal plants and fungi that grew in the area. The smell of wet mud and heather hung in the air, along with the crispness of the coming evening. Despite the lush Scottish landscape, Claire knew fall was coming on quickly; another reason to leave Lallybroch as soon as possible.

“Whatever makes you feel like less of a coward Beauchamp,” she muttered, digging through the shallow water of a small pond for water pepper.

Considering her situation, staying would probably be the wisest decision. Food, shelter, and a way to pass the harsh winter. She could continue using her nursing skills as well, especially if her suspicions about Jenny Murray were accurate. Claire was no midwife, but she had attended births in school. Inclement weather also brought with it inevitable illnesses. She could be useful here.

Then, there was Jamie Fraser.

Claire tossed a clump of water pepper into her basket, ignoring the tightening of her chest at the thought of him. His imposing height and self composure; hair of red, copper, cinnamon, and auburn that curled over his forehead and at the nape of his neck. The slight twitch of his mouth when she amused him; the way his brow would furrow slightly when she was silent and lost in her thoughts.

It wasn’t unusual for a medical professional to become attached to their patient in various ways. Traumatic and difficult ordeals naturally brought people together, after all. Claire had seen it happen during the War many times. Young men and women pushed beyond their limits; comfort found in the darkest places of the world. What troubled Claire most wasn’t the connection they shared, but the absence of darkness in all of it.

Claire shook off the thought, squelching out of the mud as carefully as she could. The sun dipped below the tree line, casting shadows and rays of light through the heather. Birds called softly from the trees, flittering madly, about to prepare for whatever it was birds do at night. Claire closed her eyes, breathing in the last scents of day and the beginning of night.

She could have stood there five minutes or thirty. The cold Highland breeze lifted the curly hair from her neck, sending a chill down her body. Opening her eyes, Claire froze as she saw a figure leaning with its forearms on the fence, watching her. Feeling too serene to glare at him, she merely raised an eyebrow and made her way over to lean in from the opposite side, her own forearms braced on the rail beside his.

“When I said you could start getting up and moving, I believe I instructed you to take it slow at first,” she said conversationally.

Jamie sniffed out a laugh, eyes crinkling a bit in amusement.

“Aye well, I walked instead of ran.”

“Could you run?”

He grinned. “God no.”

Claire laughed, bumping his shoulder lightly with her own. His body, always warm, radiated heat; she slowly leaned back into him, barely touching. She glanced down at his shirtsleeves that were rolled up to the elbow. Just the sight made her shiver again.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Nay. We Highlanders are made of sturdier stuff than you blue-nosed Southrons,” he replied, only wincing slightly as he straightened and held out his arm. “I brought ye a coat. I could see ye shivering from inside the house.”

“Blue-nosed huh?” she retorted, smiling a bit as he helped her into the large coat, clearly his own from the size and scent of it, the tartan fabric still warm from the heat of his body.

“Hmm,” he hummed lowly, looking her over in a way that made Claire’s belly tighten suddenly. He raised his hand slowly, watching her face, then very lightly ran a knuckle from the bridge of her nose down to the tip.

“Red then,” he all but whispered, face mere inches from her own.

Claire could feel her cheeks flush; she parted her lips for a comeback, but couldn’t think of anything to say. Jamie’s eyes never left hers; he swallowed, and she shivered. One corner of Jamie’s mouth turned up and he looked away from her as he shifted and pressed his side along the length of hers to warm her. Claire melted into him, trembling from cold and nerves, joining him in watching the last of the sun disappear. She could tell Jamie had something to say and waited for him to find his words.

“Do you..” he began, then cleared his throat, apparently changing his mind. Claire nudged him gently.


“I dinna want to pry, Sassenach,” he said, glancing at her, then down at his hands. “I’m wondering what your plans are now? I ken ye told Jenny..” he trailed off.

Bloody hell, this was it. Claire took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly before answering.

“I mean to leave soon. You’ve healed quite well in such a short amount of time. You have your family to keep you from doing something completely idiotic, if needed.”

The last was said in jest, but her heart squeezed a little.

Why is this so hard? God, get a grip Beauchamp!

“True, but none of them order me around quite like you do, Sassenach. Scold me, curse me for bleedin’ to death…”

He turned his head to look down at her, face controlled but eyes warm and bright. They matched the sky, blue and black and violet pinpricked by the soft light of Lallybroch’s windows.

“I want you to stay, Claire.”

The words hung between them, echoing through Claire’s brain along with the beating of her heart.

I want you to stay.

Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.

“I dinna ask just for me,” he went on hurriedly, obviously seeing something change in that damn transparent face of hers. “I ask for my tenants. My family. For you, Sassenach. It’ll be winter before too long. You’d be safe here. Ye wouldna have to worry about food and shelter. It-”

“I can fend for myself, thank you,” she replied, nervously playing with the long sleeves of his coat. “I’ve managed so far.”

“Aye, ye have,” he agreed. He sighed. “My sister’s pregnant. Have ye noticed?”

Claire paused, then nodded.

“I suspected.”

Jamie sighed again, looking worn. Claire mentally kicked herself for letting him stay on his feet for so long.

“You’re worried about Jenny? The pregnancy?” she asked softly, looking up at him again. His features were dark. Only the edges could be seen in the relief of the cloudy night sky; curly hair, high cheekbone, mouth pursed in thought.

“My mother… she died in childbirth, ken,” he started. “I was eight. It… it wasna usual, wi’ medical advancements but… it happened.”

Claire stared at him, wide eyed. She slowly reached out, gently squeezing his forearm.

“I’m so sorry, Jamie.”

He covered her hand with his own, then met her eyes.

“I ken ye have yer reasons for wanting to leave and I’ll no’ ask what ye dinna want to tell me. But I will offer ye a home, however long ye wish to claim it. I only ask that ye stay until the bairn comes in the spring. After that, I’ll take ye wherever it is ye wish to go.”

Claire stared at him, piecing his words together in her mind. His fear. An offer of a home, of usefulness. Protection and a future. Several possibilities, if only she would grab at them. In her heart, a flare of hope that was matched by the blue eyes that waited intently for her answer.

She stepped away from him, and held out her hand. He glanced down, surprised, but smiled as he took her hand and shook it. Claire smiled back, not noticing he didn’t let go until he brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it formally.

“Thank you, Sassenach. Truly.”

Chapter Six: Tuesday’s Child
Happy Mother’s Day!

I’ve had this chapter written and ready to post for a while … and then I realized I could post it on Mother’s Day! What’s Mother’s Day without a good birth scene? I’ve watched WAY too many seasons of Call the Midwife for the stereotypical hysterical-screaming/ jump-cut editing crap, so this turned out kind of long.

I could be persuaded to write Jamie’s perspective as well, if there’s an interest. ;)

Monday, November 22nd, 1543; Beauly, Scotland.


Jamie entered the room with our lunch and a cheery greeting. I arched my aching back as I reached my arms over my head and stretched in the large, feather bed. I mumbled something in reply, not fully awake yet from my third nap of the day.

At least, I thought it was the third. I wasn’t entirely sure if I fully woke up from the second. I certainly hadn’t left the bed between naps two and three.

The muscles of my abdomen cramped and a wave of nausea rolled over me. I had been having false contractions for a while now, but something had been off all day today.

This growing feeling of discomfort urged me to speak.

“Are you within the castle this afternoon?” I asked, trying to sound normal.

Jamie’s back was to me as he placed the tray on the table and began to set up our meal. “Nae, back to the stables wi’ me as soon as we’re done eatin’. Shall I bring ye anything special from the kitchens for dinner?”


If the Laird had needed him within the castle, I could easily send for him if these mixed signals turned into anything of substance, but he was entirely too far out of reach in the stables.

I wasn’t sure how to ask him to stay without triggering some sort of childbirth panic alarm in my husband. Jamie had been hypersensitive to me this last week, ready to spring into action as soon as I gave the signal. If this wasn’t the beginning of my labor, I’d have a hovering husband and, quite possibly, an entire castle waiting for something to happen.

“I really wish you wouldn’t,” I sighed, while trying to think of a way to phrase ‘I think I’m in labor’ without actually saying ‘I’m in labor.’

“No’ hungry?” He turned, giving me a concerned look. “Ye should eat somethin’, mo nighean donn, or the bairn will complain, aye?”

The cramp strengthened, edging its way towards my lower back.

My voice shook as the feeling of discomfort within me inched closer and closer to pain. “I don’t think he’ll complain, he seems to be packing his bags at the moment.”

Jamie’s eyes grew large as understanding took hold. He stared at me, his mouth opening and closing silently like a fish out of water.

When he did find his voice, it was a good octave or two above normal. “Sh-should I fetch the midwife?”

“No!” I all but shouted. The last thing I needed right now was that decrepit old woman watching my every move.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I curled my legs up as far as they would go and pulled the blankets tighter around me. I heard him cross the room and kneel down on the floor beside me. His hand trembled as he tucked a curl behind my ear. Cracking my eyelids open just a little, I could see the panic in Jamie’s eyes. His chest heaved as he tried to remain calm.

“I think I’m having contractions, but I’m not really sure.” I whispered and brought my hand to his.

He leaned close, his nose brushing against mine, asking “Wha’ can I do, Claire?”

“Will you hold me?” All I wanted was to lay here and shut out the world, to feel his arms around me and take strength from his presence.

He crawled around me, easing himself into bed. I could feel every ounce of tension leave me as his body curled around mine. His arms, now steady and sure, gathered me close and I melted into him.


“You’re pacing, Jamie.”

“Hmm?” He turned to me, mind somewhere else. “Oh, aye. I suppose tha’ I am.”

I hid a smile. My contractions were more than fifteen minutes apart and the pain was still manageable, but Jamie was coming apart at the seams.

His eyes refocused on the present and he grinned sheepishly at me. “Am I botherin’ ye, mo nighean donn? Should I pace in the other room?”

“If you so much as touch that door handle, James Fraser…” I threatened, not entirely sure what I would do.

The smile broadened as he held up his hands surrender. “I willna.”

A spasm began and I realized we hadn’t really talked about his part in these proceedings.

“Promise?” I begged.

“I promise I willna leave until ye tell me to.” He vowed as he bent forward to kiss me. “An’ even then, the midwife will have to tear me away from yer side.”

The idea of giving birth without him in the room had never crossed my mind. Even in my time, husbands rarely attended the births of their children and I expected it was even more rare in the sixteenth century.

“You won’t really leave, will you?” I asked, dodging his caress. ”I need you to stay with me.”

He looked entirely skeptical, “Ye willna want me here when–”

“I’m can’t do this alone, Jamie, not again. I can’t – I won’t – do this without you.” Cutting him off, I grabbed hold of him, desperate to make him understand. “Please don’t ask me to.”

“If that is what ye wish, mo chridhe, nothing on this earth will move me.” He assured me, his face held a hint of doubt that I would really still want him at my side a few hours from now.

I let him kiss me then, his touch full of support.

We would do this as we did everything: together.

Around midnight.

“What are we at now?” I asked as a contraction gained momentum, trying to breath normally. They were in a definite pattern, each one a little closer to and stronger than the last.

Jamie checked the small pocket watch that miraculously had been in his sporran when we went thru the stones. “Tha’ was ten minutes between,” he answered as I gripped the back of a chair.

Swaying my hips slowly side to side, I tried to find relief from the pain. Jamie came up behind me and started to massage the spasming muscles of my lower back.

“Mmm,” I encouraged him. “Right there.”

The baby shifted suddenly and I desperately reached behind me for my husbands hands. I half pulled him in front of me, half turned turned towards him and buried my face in his chest.

“Jesus H Roosevelt Fucking Christ, this bloody hurts.” I groaned.

Jamie’s head lowered to mine, gently kissing the top of my head. “I’m sending for the midwife after this one is done, mo nighean donn.”

I nodded but didn’t speak.

We began to sway again, Jamie half singing, half speaking a sort of lullaby to me in Gaelic.

“Jamie?” I interrupted. “I love you, but you are a terrible singer.”

About 4:00 am

“Damn,” I muttered as a stream of amniotic fluid ran down my legs. “Here we go.”

Keep reading

a horse named abigail

[probably happens during the S2/S3 time gap because everyone is friends and the world isn’t ending]

Imagine Arkadia receives word from a nearby Trikru village asking for help with a difficult birth, since their healer is away. Abby of course gets her medical bag and jumps in the rover, and Marcus gets some people together because the Chancellor isn’t allowed to just go running off wherever without an escort Abby don’t roll your eyes at me you can’t even drive the rover anyway.

And so they haul ass to the village and Abby gets out ready to do her doctor thing and Octavia comes running out to meet them.

Octavia: good, you got my message, get over here she’s not doing so great
Abby, following: ok, where’s the patient?
Octavia: here she is
Abby: …
Octavia: you have to help her
Abby: …
Abby: that’s a horse, Octavia
Abby: no one thought to mention the patient is a horse

The Trikru people in the village don’t know what the problem is, because grounder healers treat their animals, too, and it’s not really that different, is it? And everyone is looking at Abby like, what’s the big deal? Surely if you can deliver a baby human you can deliver a baby horse??

Abby, very firmly not down with this: I literally met a horse for the first time a month ago
Marcus, patting the horse: but Abby
Marcus: it’s important to try and understand each other’s ways
Marcus: do it for your people Abby
Abby: that is not applicable to this situation, not even slightly
Marcus: it’s a nice horse Abby
Horse: *in pain*
Everyone: *looks at Abby accusingly*
Octavia: come on Abby I told them you were cool
Octavia: plus it was Helios who knocked her up and now I’m going to be an aunty
Abby: I hate everyone in this bar
Abby: except you Marcus
Abby: this thing better not fucking kick me

Which is how Abby ends up stripped down to her bra in the middle of the village in an attempt to not get her clothes covered in a horse’s bodily fluids while she’s up to her shoulder inside said horse. She manages to turn the foal like a superhero and helps the poor, exhausted mare deliver it, winding up on the ground with this giant gangly newborn in her lap, rubbing it down and helping it take its first breaths while the mother horse tries to eat her hair.

The Trikru villagers are not that impressed, because they’ve seen this kind of thing before. The Ark people are all super impressed but also kind of grossed out. Abby is just very glad she didn’t end up killing a horse today.

Abby, covered head to toe in placenta: yes I have everything under control
Abby: but never ask me to do this again
Also Abby: *coos over adorable baby while it takes its first spindly steps like a champion*
Octavia, the proud aunty: awesome, what are we gonna call it?
Marcus: I talked to the owner and he says he’s going to name the foal Abby!
Marcus: I absolutely did not bribe him with moonshine to do that
Marcus: I may have to leave camp tomorrow to make a quick moonshine delivery but that is a coincidence
Marcus: it’s just a good and pretty name and she is the most beautiful foal I have ever seen
Abby: the foal is male but ok
Marcus: did I say foal I meant woman
Abby: …
Marcus: …
Abby: I need to take a shower

A few facts about sex, pregnancy, and childbirth for writers who use historical settings

Note: These facts focus primarily on Christianized American and European culture. Before applying a fact to a culture outside of that sphere, it’d be a good idea to check.

  • Reliable birth control didn’t exist until the late 1800s, but it didn’t become accessible outside of the very wealthy and well-connected until the 1910s in Europe and 1920s in the US (and even later in other parts of the world). These “reliable methods” were all variants of the cervical cup, the ancestor to the diaphragm.
  • Despite the fact the rhythm method/natural family planning requires no technology other than a calendar, it was developed after the cervical cap. The reason is that it took doctors a very long time to figure out that a) women were least fertile during menstruation, b) women ovulated exactly once per menstrual cycle, c) ovulation tends to happen at approximately the same time relative to menstrual periods. The rhythm method was first promoted in 1930 by a Dutch doctor.
  • Along with there not being reliable birth control until recently, safe abortion was nonexistent (unless you count that particular plant in ancient Rome that died out, but I’ll pass that one by). A desperate woman wouldn’t have to look hard to find someone who could perform an abortion, but her chances of surviving weren’t great, and her chances of having another baby afterwards were slim.
  • Because women didn’t have an explanation for how exactly pregnancy started until the 1920s (when two doctors discovered independently that ovulation tends to happen at the same time relative to the menstrual cycle), women generally didn’t know when they’d gotten pregnant or when they were likely to give birth. All the historical medical manuals are extremely vague on pregnancy milestones for this reason. Additionally, many women didn’t consider themselves truly pregnant until the “quickening” around five months. This was due to several factors, inconsistent timing among them, but also because miscarriages were pretty common and other medical conditions (including stress) could cause symptoms that could make a woman think she was pregnant.
  • The vast majority of women over the course of history had no risk of being treated “like an invalid” during pregnancy. Pregnancy was considered a normal, healthy part of a woman’s life, something that would happen many times during her youth and middling years. It wasn’t a time to take it easy; in fact, early medical manuals stress that being active during pregnancy is a good thing that produces healthy, strong babies.
  • Until the 1960s/1970s, labor and delivery was a woman-only zone (with the possible exception of a male doctor). The father would either be outside, at the neighbors’, at the pub…but he would definitely be nowhere near the delivery room during the birth, because he’d just be in the way…probably literally, in most cases, because most women gave birth in their houses, and your average woman–a farmer’s wife, or a craftsman’s wife–wouldn’t have a large room to give birth in. Instead, a woman would expect her friends to come support her, women who’d already survived childbirth, and perhaps her mother if she lived nearby. Having the father attend the birth of his child didn’t become a thing until women started giving birth in hospitals where there’s space for the father to stand (and, arguably, the fact that women were less likely to live near enough for their mothers to be there).
  • Unless a woman was having a doctor attending her birth, she most likely would have given birth in a standing or squatting position, possibly using a birthing stool (a special chair without a seat for the baby to descend through). Lying on one’s back didn’t pop up as a birthing position until doctors became regular attendees to labor, because it mean the doctor wouldn’t have to get on the floor to examine the progress of labor.
  • It wasn’t labor that was the biggest danger to expectant women; it was postpartum infection, better known as “childbed fever” historically. These infections were usually caused by birth attendants having bacteria-ridden hands and tended to kill within two weeks of birth. Doctors knew it was transferred via midwife and doctor even as early as the 1790s, but it wasn’t understood why until germ theory became accepted. It couldn’t be treated until antibiotics were introduced in the 1930s.


1. Louis knocked up someone he wasn’t dating, who happened to be part of an organised pap shot

2. Louis remained completely silent on the claims until GMA and his only words were

3. Father to be continues clubbing, taking home various girls, smoking weed, and generally carrying on with his carefree, laddy-lad single life

4. Nothing more is said about the baby, with many reporters claiming that it is a blacklisted topic during MITAM promo

5. Literally no-one, from his large, child-loving family to his child-loving bandmate, Harry Styles, has said a word about this baby. They have nothing to say about this?

6. Up until hours before this birth, Louis is parading around with a new girlfriend while his baby mama is going through this entire pregnancy by herself, without Louis ever saying her name or acknowledging her as the mother his child.

7. Louis went to see the birth of his son and then immediately thought, you know what would make this life event even better? Sunglasses.

8. An update account claims that Louis, on the evening of the birth of his first child, decides to go clubbing in West Hollywood. The Sun claims that Louis is now a “devoted dad” since he attended the birth because apparently all men have to do is show up to be a devoted father. After straight up blanking questions about the baby hours earlier, Louis tweets that the baby has been born and then minutes later One Direction’s official account tweets about The Brits

9. Because one tweet about fatherhood isn’t enough after nine months of almost complete silence, Louis (apparently still clubbing in West Hollywood) tweets “Daddy daddy cool” followed by a string of smiley faces, still neglecting to mention the mother and still not having said any actual words out of his face about this child. 

…Keep calm indeed.

While stories of Louis’ philanthropy and his love for children have been buried over the past year as claims that he is a womanising, deadbeat father have run rampant, it is clear that there has been a steady and aggressive attempt at complete character assassination. If Louis was actually the kind of person who would act this way, no publicist in their right mind would let a word of that go around the media and yet One Direction’s management has been downright negligent in the handling of Louis Tomlinson’s image.   

Why, as One Direction is beginning a hiatus, would they focus so much negative energy on Louis? With rumours that One Direction are leaving Syco, it almost seems like the kind of attack one would make on someone who isn’t your client, like someone who could be competition. Someone who started their own record label last January…

Would you really put it past Simon Cowell to try and destroy someone in such a manner?


The “Because” statements (4.5 & 6.8)

Although seemingly unrelated these two scenes show a moment of revelation for Patrick and Shelagh.

“Because I have you” is Patrick’s declaration to Shelagh of all she means to him.  He had been through a very rough time but Shelagh has not only been there for him supporting him, she has returned to nursing for him.  Never again will he be the lonely widower struggling with the shadows in his past.

“Because we’re us” is Shelagh‘s acknowledgment that she and Patrick aren’t just any other couple.  Since she left the Order, Shelagh has been on a journey to find out who she really is.  This is a moment where the years of wisdom where fathers don’t attend births falls away and Shelagh acknowledges that she needs Patrick with her.  Theirs is a mutually supportive marriage founded on deep love and respect and this statement encapsulates all of this. 

xf fic write-in drabbles

so these are the things i came up with in last night’s fic write-in, hosted by @lepus-arcticus (thank you for hosting btw, i had a ton of fun!). there’s three drabbles under the cut, all based off of prompts that were part of the challenge. (more details at @txf-fic-write-in )

keep in mind that this stuff was written fast, is unedited, and was written while i was very tired. none of them make much sense, and #2 is pure crack and probably wildly ooc. it’s wildly scary and fun to post something i haven’t plotted, nor meticulously reread or edited. 

Keep reading

[right down to the second]

Because this is apparently a multi-chapter endeavor, now. You can read parts one and two on my tumblr. This part is less humorous than the previous ones – once you bring up dying in childbirth there’s really no way to steer that boat around. Part 3 out of ? Next parts may back track a bit to earlier in the day, though. WC ~1200, Series 6 spoilers. 

Cigarette smoke clung to his clothes when he walked in, but she hadn’t minded. The first years of their relationship he always smelled of laundry soap and antiseptic and tobacco, and she spent every embrace breathing him in. It comforts her now.

His hand brushes through her hair, thumbs rubbing gently over her temples. Not much longer, now, they both know. Not much longer. A woman in labor is a woman on the verge of death, was something a teacher of his repeated in his lectures when he was still just a trainee, when he still thought he would become a surgeon, or a consultant, before he was shipped to the front lines in Italy and after coming home, couldn’t face anything more than the front lines of poverty. A woman in labor is a woman on the verge of death. They’ve confronted it together, before. The long labor, the complicated delivery, the woman left in a pool of her own blood, or with a body seized and shaking.

They’ve already almost lost this baby once.

He’s already almost lost her once.

Keep reading

itshaejinju  asked:

Haven't read a headcanon yet with this subject BUT: let's go with the fact that Luna lives and Noctis marries her and they have little cute babies. ALSO Ravus the adorable beanpole lives too because some awesome badass person saves him last second.*cough*Sheridan*cough* What type of uncle would Ravus be to the little royal tykes? Spoil them rotten or be stern? I think this would be so cute.

Oh hey. Remember the boys I talked about HERE and HERE? Yeah, let’s discuss them a bit more too. c: Perhaps his relationship with each of the boys as they grow up~

Little Minions – Uncle Ravus and the Caelum Boys Headcanons

  • He hardly thought the idea of ‘babysitting’ was important for him to do. He had to make sure Tenebrae wasn’t burning to the ground (again), and so the notion of having to babysit for the week was hardly pleasant.
  • He was unable to attend the birth of his nephews, and due to his disability and tensions still after Niflheim had fallen and Ravus’s name was slandered amongst some, his advisor suggested that Ravus shouldn’t travel just yet.
  • This meant that his nephews’ arrival would mark the very first time he would be meeting the boys.
  • So he stood there, awaiting the car to arrive with the boys, awkwardly fidgeting with his tie and undoing it several times until his advisor had to adjust the tie for him. Having one arm now definitely made it harder to do anything.
  • The car had arrived, and Ravus could only stare down at the three little boys in front of him. One clearly annoyed that he was there, another staring up at Ravus as if mesmerized by the king of Tenebrae, and another… Well, he was too busy staring at the maids with a fiendish smile.
  • The first thing Ravus remembered hearing one of them ask – and it wasn’t any sort of greeting either. “Can we go home yet?”
  • Ravus let out a sigh and rubbed his face. This was going to be a long week…

Keep reading

Sunday Symbolism: the Importance of Sound for the Turners in Season 3 and 6

This week I thought it would be great to look at season 3 and 6 in more detail (all the other posts have been more generic, or have encompassed chronological developments throughout successive seasons), and then in relation to the Turners. I recently rewatched several episodes from season 3, and was struck by the enormous difference we see in the relationship between Patrick and Shelagh. Season 3 was a bit cringe-worthy at times; season 6, by comparison, was a delight. These two people have come so far, which we can clearly see in the way they communicate. The contrast between these two seasons was clear, and made me think that a post about sound (or the absence of it) and the Turner family might be interesting. I’ll talk a bit about speaking and muteness, as well as listening and deafness, but also about music and song, so buckle up!

Keep reading

The benefits of having a Doula
  • In all types of pregnancies, even high risk ones, having a doula significantly reduces rates of induction, epidural, narcotic pain killer use, forcep use, and c-section.
  • Doulas reduce the length of labor significantly. With first time parents especially, labor tends to be longer and without a doula they tend to go to the hospital earlier than need be.
  • For teen parents having a doula increased rates of nursing and decreased c-section rates, epidural rates, inadequate prenatal care, premature births, and low birth weight.
  • For teens especially having a doula can help raise self-esteem which means they’ll take better care of baby and themselves.
  • In many studies parents who had a doula were more loving towards baby, more affectionate and attentive, reported a closer bond, spent more time with them and there were lower reports of abandoning baby at the hospital, lower reports of infant abuse, and increased father involvement.
  • Studies show that parents who use doulas tend to have a better relationship postpartum.
  • Studies indicate that families with doulas may have less pain during labor, or were able to cope with it better.
  • There are also reports of less health problems with babies who had a doula, which may have something to do with increased breastfeeding rates and increased time spent with baby.
  • Parents with doulas tend to have lower rates of postpartum depression.
  • Parents using doulas report less fussing and crying from baby.
  • Doctors, nurses, and midwives tend to work in shifts meaning it’s very possible they won’t be there throughout your pregnancy, especially if you’re giving birth in hospital. A doula however, will stay as long as you need them.
  • A doula can help guide you in applying what you know to the hectic and chaotic actual labor experience
  • They can help you take a break during a long labor
  • They can bring you drinks, food, hot packs, ice, or whatever you need so other people attending your birth like your partner can stay with you.
  • They can reassure your partner that you’re doing fine
  • They can help you understand what is going on during labor
  • They may be able to help photograph or videotape the parts of the experience you want.

anonymous asked:

You all keep saying babygate gate is going to end on this date and that date and when it doesn't happen, you move it back to a later date and so on. Louis accidentally knocked up someone and is now a father. Larry could've been a thing and now it's not. Get over it.

I need to take a moment to fully comprehend how moronic you sound. It’s just…I find it quite ironic that you’re telling me to get over something when you’re over here getting heated in my inbox about my opinions which have absolutely nothing to do with you. 

I’m usually up for a civilised debate or discussion or explanation about why it is that I feel the way I do, but in order to do that I try to understand where the other person is coming from first, and I really can’t even try to drop my intelligence that low to be on your level.

The whole “Larry is real but Louis had sex with a woman” thing is so unfathomably misguided. And wrong. 

I can’t even hear you as you float in the sea of wrong whilst I go by on my ship of right. 

This situation has nothing to do with with Larry. It is, however, truly testament to 1DHQ’s assessment of the average intelligence of 1D fans. Clearly some people like yourself are unable to do anything but take everything at face value despite blatant and wildly contradictory actions from literally everyone in One Direction.

If we rewind to that dark day in January, this is what ACTUALLY happened…


1. Louis knocked up someone he wasn’t dating, who happened to be part of an organised pap shot

2. Louis remained completely silent on the claims until GMA and his only words were

3. Father to be continues clubbing, taking home various girls, smoking weed, and generally carrying on with his carefree, laddy-lad single life

4. Nothing more is said about the baby, with many reporters claiming that it is a blacklisted topic during MITAM promo

5. Literally no-one, from his large, child-loving family to his child-loving bandmate, Harry Styles, has said a word about this baby. They have nothing to say about this?

6. Up until hours before this birth, Louis is parading around with a new girlfriend while his baby mama is going through this entire pregnancy by herself, without Louis ever saying her name or acknowledging her as the mother his child.

7. Louis went to see the birth of his son and then immediately thought, you know what would make this life event even better? Sunglasses.

8. An update account claims that Louis, on the evening of the birth of his first child, decides to go clubbing in West Hollywood. The Sun claims that Louis is now a “devoted dad” since he attended the birth because apparently all men have to do is show up to be a devoted father. After straight up blanking questions about the baby hours earlier, Louis tweets that the baby has been born and then minutes later One Direction’s official account tweets about The Brits

9. Because one tweet about fatherhood isn’t enough after nine months of almost complete silence, Louis (apparently still clubbing in West Hollywood) tweets “Daddy daddy cool” followed by a string of smiley faces, still neglecting to mention the mother and still not having said any actual words out of his face about this child.

…Keep calm indeed.

While stories of Louis’ philanthropy and his love for children have been buried over the past year as claims that he is a womanising, deadbeat father have run rampant, it is clear that there has been a steady and aggressive attempt at complete character assassination. If Louis was actually the kind of person who would act this way, no publicist in their right mind would let a word of that run rampant around the media and yet One Direction’s management has been downright negligent in the handling of Louis Tomlinson’s image.  

Why, as One Direction is beginning a hiatus, would they focus so much negative energy on Louis? With rumours that One Direction are leaving Syco, it almost seems like the kind of attack one would make on someone who isn’t your client, like someone who could be competition. Someone who started their own record label last January…

Would you really put it past Simon Cowell to try and destroy someone in such a manner?

I have never claimed to know when this shit is going to end. I have pointed out hints and shared shady anons, but other than that, whoTF knows. I certainly don’t and I’ve always been honest of the fact that I don’t know. You should probably calm down a bit and get over this weird compulsion to anonymously send strangers your completely irrelevant opinions that you use to try and hurt or insult other people with. In case you haven’t noticed, the people still around and still talking about everything that’s wrong Babygate have pretty thick skin. I personally am not going anywhere. Get over it. 

EXO react to their wife in labour

Heyy, thanks for your support cutie. <3

*Gifs do not belong to me. Credit where it belongs.

Xiumin: Incredibly listening yet tentative. Anything his wife requires, he’ll be most diligent and quick in getting it. Like I said, Minseok won’t talk much, merely allowing for his wife to yell at him and squeeze his hand with immense intensity. At most, he’ll just softly murmur his encouragements as the actual birth draws closer. 

Originally posted by secrethideoutme

Luhan: I have said that since I see Luhan having a traditional mindset, he would have his own family members attending the birth, however, in the instance that he attends the birth by himself with his wife, not much would change in Luhan’s demeanor. I see him being somewhat organized beforehand, already having brought the necessities for his wife and the newborn baby. Like Xiumin, he won’t say much, instead granting her gentle, reassuring smiles while softly massaging her hand. 

Originally posted by angel-in-slow-motion

Kris: I see Kris becoming increasingly emotional throughout the duration of the birth. From the tedious drive to the hospital to being checked in. He’ll try to mask his tears at some points in his signature “cool city guy” way. Eventually, the closer time stretches towards the birth of his child, this is when Yifan would become palpably overwhelmed with poignancy. He’s amazed at his wife for managing through the sensations of childbirth as well as imagining his baby within his arms within due time. Once the baby is born, he wouldn’t be able to keep his tears to himself. 

Originally posted by channieschubbycake

Suho: He prepared for this weeks ago, even going as far as having a checklist readied so when his wife actually enters the stages of labor, ensuring he has brought every necessity along with him for her. While staying idly by his wife, Suho would be able to maintain an enthusiastic and fervent disposition throughout the duration of the labor. “You’re doing so well jagi! You’re amazing!” he would consistently remind her, with a large beam upon his features. 

Originally posted by veriloquentmind

Lay: Though lucidly calm and serene, Yixing would be slightly frenzied in the beginning, constantly inquiring to his wife if he’s missed any important things before departing to the hospital. While his wife is in labor, Yixing would be most enthralled with how persistent and determined his wife is throughout the experience, making absolute sure to remind her of this with his saccharine words. “My lovely baobei, you’re incredible. So strong,” he’d murmur softly, while.

Originally posted by ygyixing

Baekhyun: He’s surprisingly reticent during this process. Something indicates to me that Baekhyun has a solid understanding of times to input commentary and times to refrain from doing so. He knows this would be a crucial time for his wife, and doesn’t want to suspend her efforts/absorption in any way. So, Baek will be mostly passive during this time. When the actual birth happens, that’s when he’ll start to show activity, squeezing onto his wife’s hand, while murmuring very gentle encouragements. Of all the members, Baek would easily be the best labor coach. 

Originally posted by snapbaeks

Chen: Jongdae would be one of the more reserved members during this. Aside from responding to certain requests his wife may have, Chen will keep taciturn throughout the majority of this scenario. He would be attempting to assess his  thoughts on his child’s impending arrival. This would be expressed palpably with the way he would pace amongst himself throughout the room, not being able to keep still wholly. 

Originally posted by dazzlingkai

Chanyeol: He would be a mixture of elated and slightly apprehensive. He would try his absolute best to keep his wife’s spirits as high as possible with his typical, Chanyeol-esque remarks and disposition, though he’d be wary enough to not be overbearing. His actions would be consistently checking the time to see if the baby’s birth is nearing as well as trying to conceal his discomfort when his wife squeezes his hand too forcefully at times; merely offering her a small smile of encouragement. 

Originally posted by iyeolie

D.O: Next to Suho, Kyungsoo would easily be the most composed and organized of all the members in this scenario. He’s been incredibly supportive of his wife throughout the duration of her pregnancy, so naturally he’d be prepared for when the symptoms of early labour start to manifest. Constantly, he’d ask if his wife needs anything, completely adhering to any and all of her needs. Like Baekhyun, he would be an incredible labor coach. 

Originally posted by dazzlingkai

Tao: Easily the most emotional of all the members; visibly emotional that is. While his wife is enduring to the best of her abilities, Tao would try his best to enshroud his tears so not to disturb his wife’s equilibrium. At times, he’ll excuse himself from the room to softly sob to himself–note that he is poignant out of excitement. “You’re so strong baobei….what did I do to deserve you?” 

Originally posted by mickyawesomnessninja

Kai: Interestingly, despite how Jongin’s disposition is seemingly intimidated by his wife’s contrasting ire do to the unpleasant sensations of childbirth, in truth he’s actually in awe of the whole experience. Though he’d be somewhat taciturn towards his wife in this scenario, as he doesn’t want to overbear her more than necessary, Jongin would still be highly impressed with how tenacious she is throughout the experience. 

Originally posted by illegalkai

Sehun: Incredibly giddy and eager for the baby’s long awaited arrival, this would be displayed lucidly throughout the entire process. Sehun would probably take snapshots of each fleeting moment he finds interesting/amusing as this would definitely be something he would want to look back on. “Look how great you look in this shot babe,” he’d coo to his passive wife early on the labor process. And he’d maintain this disposition, never once dropping his elation.  

Originally posted by sehurn

~Be sure to send more requests lovely readers. 


None of Your Business-Part 13

Chapter 1 (All Parts are linked)

Reader’s POV

You are a newly graduated MBA student trying to get a highly sought-after job at Wesson Technology.  You have spent your life proving to people that your more than your Omega status.  Will billionaire tech genius Alpha Sam Wesson take a chance on you?

Characters:: Alpha! Sam Wesson, Alpha! Dean Smith, Omega! Reader, Beta! Charlie Bradbury, Omega! Ruby, Beta! Cas Novak, Omega! Jo Harvelle, Beta! Kevin Tran, Mandy (OC, Sam’s daughter)

A/N: The last part will be the end guys! Thanks for sticking with me for this journey!

The pain was unbelievable.  None of the childbirth classes we had taken had prepared me for this.  I’d like to think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but this was a whole new animal.  I whimpered as another contraction brought me to my knees.  Finally I just gave up standing all together and lay on my back on the floor, panting like a marathon runner.

“Babe? Why are you on the floor?” Sam asked, the phone still clutched to his ear.  “They said that your probably having back labor,  and you’ve been most likely been having contractions this whole time.”

“I can’t stand up any more.  It hurts too much.”  I whispered weakly.

Cradling the phone to his ear, Sam reached down and made to pick me up.

“Can you grab some towels first? I don’t want to ruin the bed. This is gonna get mess…” I yelped in pain as another massive contraction hit.

Sam shot me an incredulous look.  “Seriously? We can buy a new bed!”  But he ran from the room and grabbed some towels anyway.  By the time he had gotten back, I had removed by soaked pajama bottoms and panties.  He spread the towels on the bed, and yanking me into his arms, he laid me on top of the towels.

“Oh shit! I can see the head!” Sam yelled into the phone.

Keep reading

Some images of hospital births and home births.

These aren’t trolled from deep down in a google search, but are rather images that show up in the first few rows of the first page during a really broad search. I tried to find parallel images at different stages of the birth process to highlight the differences without digging too deeply through the search.

I want to discuss few certain differences between hospital and home births for those who are on the fence about the care and procedures in one setting versus the other.

I WANT TO MAKE CLEAR THAT THIS ISN’T AN ANTI-HOSPITAL POSITION. I aim to be clear and direct about the differences and though there is inherent bias in my position, I am not aiming to scare you. I am just hoping to talk about certain areas that clients and friends ask me about all the time and to help prepare expectant parents for the realities of each scenario so they don’t feel blind sided by what happens at certain points along the way.

1) YOUR CARE PROVIDER IN A HOSPITAL WILL MOST LIKELY BE DRESSED LIKE THEY’RE CLEANING UP AT THREE MILE ISLAND. Birth is pretty messy, but it’s not an outtake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The plastic eye mask they wear for the 15 minutes they’re present at the base of the bed is slightly offensive to me. I attended a birth once where the doctor was annoyed she had to lower her mask in order for the mother to hear what she was saying. I hope you don’t hate the color blue if you’re delivering in a hospital because just before your baby is born, the whole room and half your person will be draped in sterile sheets and your OB (and maybe CNM) will be covered head to toe in blue coverings.

Some women will not mind this or even notice this at all. For me, it seems to be another area where we are stripping humanity and the sexuality of birth away to reveal an operative mode of birth. When a care provider is dismantling a bed and shining a bright medical light on your vagina, exposed only enough to catch and cut while stirrups, legs, the rest of the bed, and floor are covered entirely in “protective” sheets, it removes the doctor from the patient as well as mother from baby and ancient bodily wisdom from the process of birth. It becomes a theater with vagina as star instead of mother as a powerful actor in her own birth.

In most home births, midwives will wear gloves and that is all the protective barrier they will put up. They are wearing their normal clothes, their faces will be near yours, you will be naked or wearing your own clothing, and there are mostly towels and a few absorbent chuck pads down to catch blood, but not a full hazmat conversion of your home. You are also encouraged to “catch” your own baby, thus brining power back to you as the sole participant and care provider for yourself and your baby. You are then often the first person to touch your baby with your own naked hands as it enters the world.

What can you do about that if you are delivering in a hospital? You can try asking your care provider to not cover herself in delivery. You can ask if you can push in other positions so you are not made to throw your vagina in the air with your legs in stirrups. You can deliver with a Certified Nurse Midwife who does not follow standard medical protocol with drapery and such, if one exists in your hospital. You can ask to catch your own baby with hospital staff present for unforeseen circumstances.

2) NO MATTER HOW NATURAL BIRTH FRIENDLY YOUR HOSPITAL MAY BE, WHEN IT COMES TO PUSHING, YOU’RE GOING TO BE GIVEN FEW OPTIONS FOR POSITIONS. The second photo on the left is the most common positioning for crowning and delivery in a hospital birth. If you have an epidural, this will be your only option, since you will not have the capability of safely holding yourself in another position. If you have an unmedicated birth, requesting the ability to push in the position that is most comfortable to you will be an uphill battle. In my experience supporting women in natural birth in the hospital, regardless of their care provider, it’s almost always a loosing battle. “I just can’t assist you like that.” “I don’t do that.” “You have to deliver on your back, that’s how we do it.” “I’ve never delivered a baby like that, I’d rather you be on your back.” “I won’t deliver your baby unless you’re on your back.” “We can try collapsing the bed, but it works best if you put your legs up and hold your breath.” and so on.

I’ve heard all of those and more. I’ve had clients who’s doctors have “allowed” them to push for the first hour or so in another position, but once baby crowned, made them deliver on their backs or on their sides with one leg up. If mom was laboring really well in one place or one position, the nurses had her move to the bed in preparation for the doctor’s or nurse midwife’s late arrival to the scene and she was made to do the final bit of pushing on the bed in stirrups.

At home, you are pretty free to deliver where you feel best. There are a few exceptions—a bathtub that is very small, on the toilet (you’d be grateful for that later anyhow), in a room that is too cold, or outside if it is too cold. Most positions are fair game in homebirth, unless there is some indication that baby is not doing well in that position (likely the cord being compressed by pelvic bones).

What can you do about this if you’re delivering in the hospital? Make sure you talk to your care provider about what positions they feel comfortable “allowing” you to deliver in. If you are hoping for options, make this very very clear to them. Remember “we don’t allow that’ is not a valid statement. If your provider is insistent on lithotomy delivery even in unmedicated births, tell them you’d like to be their first catch in another position. There is no real medical necessity for delivering on your back with your legs up in the air and holding your breath, in fact the evidence suggests that it is a rather inappropriate position for delivery. If you are wanting a natural birth in the hospital, this is one of the many areas that might take some struggle to get everyone on board with your wishes. It is up to you to decide if that battle is worth the benefits of hospital delivery with no interventions.

3) NEWBORN PROCEDURES IN THE HOSPITAL ARE OFTEN PERFORMED WITH BABY SEPARATED FROM MOTHER. Despite the sweeping change in having mothers and babies skin to skin for the first moments of baby’s life, your baby will be separated from you sooner and for longer in a hospital setting than at home. Babies are usually transported to a warming tray, or sometimes out of the room and into the nursery soon after the delivery of the placenta and cutting of the cord. They are then examined for APGAR scores, sometimes bathed right away, wiped off, and swaddled, given a hat (now something of a controversy), poked for blood tests, and sometimes given the Hep B vaccine within the first few minutes of life.

If you want to see studies breaking down the results of separating mama from baby and for various standard newborn procedures, there is a wealth of that information out there. Everything from bonding to breastfeeding to bacteria colonization. It also can be traumatic for mama, no matter how tired she is from a long labor, to have her baby taken away soon after birth. We are designed to hold and protect our babies right away and having someone else sweep them off to care for them before the partner even gets the chance to hold them, or before mama has been able to feed, stroke, and speak to their babies can be detrimental to postpartum adjustments.

At home, newborn procedures are done usually longer after delivery than in the hosptial. Typically, the are done with baby still in mama’s arms or right on the bed next to mama and partner, as the bottom right picture depicts. There is no reason why this needs to be different in the hosptial, but it is not routine for care to be performed with mama s the primary witness or participant.

What can you do about this if you are delivering in the hospital? Once again, you need to discuss your options and wishes with your care provider well in advance. If she is not answering your questions directly or is giving you the standard “we don’t allow that,” insist on getting what you want. Again, there is no medical evidence to suggest that there is a benefit to having baby removed from you for checkups, in fact, as I stated before, the evidence suggests that it would be better for baby to be there in mama’s arms for all of this. A stubborn nurse does not trump your desires for a safe and satisfying experience with the baby you just pushed out.

With each major difference, it’s going to take a momentous cultural shift to get our hospital system in line with the safe and more comfortable standards in home birth while providing couples with the feeling of safety they long for in the hospital. You might have to demand to be treated better. Make sure to chose your care provider very carefully so you don’t have to fight for the things you feel committed to in your birth plan. You are entitled to deliver in the space you feel most comfortable in and don’t necessarily have to submit to the procedures therein that don’t fit with your vision of birth.