You worked hard today, Seunghyun. I pressed a send.
Is this going to be another ‘thanks’ one-word reply, or nothing at all? I’m constantly in between the two and it never goes more than that.
I replayed his video another round. Him having fun with the other members on the stage; behind a computer from youtube. Getting the latest update.
It’s been three months.
A mutual friend introduced us one day when he went to buy some wines. They are pretty close because Seunghyun always goes to the same winery store and engage him for advice.
But, that is all to it. The connection between him and myself is nothing more than a hi-bye. Well, it started with a hi-bye until one day I confessed to him and I got rejected.
There is no reason provided.
Afterall, why would he give me any? He has no obligation for that.
My phone suddenly beeped. It was from him– Choi Seunghyun.
Again. One -word. It’s been three months. I grew tired of it.
“Must I really start working at the winery for you to actually talk to me?” I replied.
No answer…. and there’s no reply over the night.
That was how much I meant to him.
And how desperate I was for him.
Three days later:
I groaned, “[y/n] you’ve been sighing for at least six times now” The mutual friend who introduced us – Kevin. We were in the big bang after party. He was invited, and he invited me too.
“I’m going to the ladies” I walked wobbly, heading towards the bathroom.
“I’ll take you” Kevin sat up and assists me by the arms.
“No it’s fine, I’m good!” I claimed, and walked; searching for the ladies.
“I’ll bring her there” Suddenly, the voice I was hoping to hear all night. His torso a mix of cigarette and woods. I can’t be hallucinating right?
“Seunghyun” Kevin confirmed. Nope, definitely not hallucinating. I looked up at him, still not believing what I am seeing. He placed his hand on my back, another hand assisting me by the arms.
“How did you get so drunk?” He muttered.
“Are you really asking because you don’t know the reason or-”
“There’s the ladies. I’ll wait for you outside” He cut me off.
“Seunghyu-” I throw myself to him.
“Can you stop behaving this way? Have some respect for yourself. I dislike girls who behave desperately, this way like you” He added. His words like daggers. His words aiming at me.
“Am I wrong to love you?!” I shouted. “Do you think I could control who I love and who-”
“You barely know me, how do you love me? Don’t mistake your curiosity as love.” He argued.
“You don’t get to judge whether my love is just based on curiosity” I said. I don’t want to argue with him. I really don’t. “I confessed to you, and you rejected without a blink. How do you know if I’m just curious or really in love? You are the one who judge me before even knowing me. You didn’t even give me a chance” I said whatever was on my mind; and took one deep breathe. My head spinning, the atmosphere was hot, and I need to pee. “You don’t have to wait for me. I can find my way back” I paused by the doorway, before entering the ladies.
And he didn’t wait. He was gone when I left.
The next day:
“You were in a mess yesterday” Kevin assured me, the moment my eyes are open to take in the light. What time is it? What day is it? Which year is it? My head spinning out of control.
“Get up, I’ve made for you some hangover soup” He said. Actually, Kevin is my neighbour. And I stay alone. I just gave him my keys in case something like this happen. I’m always a wreck, always in a mess.
I can never take good care of myself.
“Do you remember what happened last night?” He asked, while at the dining table. “Not something I am proud of” I shook my head. I remembered every last bit of what I said to seung hyun. As if things weren’t already awkward, I have officially just made him hate me even more. I am sure.
“I could tell. He was furious. He seemed angry actually. And he never gets angry when he drinks” Kevin said. A new revelation about Seunghyun.
“From now on, I will not think of him” I said, determined. “I am going to delete his number” I drank a cup of milk. “But maybe I am just going to keep the number. Afterall whats the chances of getting Choi seung hyun real number?” I backed on my words, two minutes from my prior determination.
Kevin shook his head. He is already used to seeing this side of me.
But I mean… I am just not going to text him. It’s simple. I saved his number, but its just going to stay stagnant there. What’s the worse that could happen right? I don’t believe my determination is this weak. Even if he begs in front of me now, I am just going to say ‘no’.
My phone beeped.
“I was harsh on my words last night. I apologise for that”
CHOI. SEUNG. HYUN. shows up in the message ID. Prior to this, all the long list of messages were mostly from me wishing him with no replies, or a short thanks. But this is a news breaker. WHAT? Am I still sleeping or is this all real?
Calm down, [y/n].
“It’s okay” I typed… insert a smiley face. No wait, I’m not going to let him think it’s okay to treat me this way. I backspaced my message… “I accept your apology” I typed. No, no, no. That doesn’t sound right either.
My phone beeped another time.
“I’ll treat you to dinner as an apology”
YOU THINK I AM EASY? The beast inside me growled. Both at playing-hard-to-get but thrilled at what I am seeing.
should I just reply him a ‘sure’? But what if he thinks I’m too- Oh, wait. Maybe I should just reply him a ‘when?’. No, no that too . He will think I am desperate again.
“You’ve seen my messages. Don’t be petty” My phone beeped to reveal another message from him.
“I AM NOT BEING PETTY” I replied without thinking. How could he even conclude that I am being petty when in fact, I am fumbling trying to think of something decent to reply him?
My phone beeped again. Kevin curiously looking at me; while I tried to keep myself calm and composed on the outside. Only.
Seunghyun: Why are you shouting at me.
Me: I am not shouting at you!
Seunghyun: You are using caps, then you are using exclamation.
Me: That’s how I type
Seunghyun: Tonight. Kaito restaurant 8pm.
Me: Can it be earlier? Maybe… 7pm? I mean.. it’s dinner not supper.
Me: Are you angry?
Seunghyun: That’s how I type
My mouth opened from his response. My mind exploded. But my thoughts drifted to what’s going to happen tonight…. hm.