bille holliday


Entry 29

When he’s not in too much pain or on the verge of having an attack, Mabel and I will play memory jogging games. Sometimes it helps. Most times it doesn’t.

If he remembers anything, it’s quickly forgotten and he goes into a sort of hysteria. Sometimes it’s violent. Most times he’ll cry.

The worst is when he remembers. I do my best not to cry. Mabel does. He always looks like he has something important he wants to say. But then dementia kicks in and he freaks out, yelling threats and slurs.

It’s impossible to hold a conversation with him anymore. He never eats. He rarely sleeps. He’s falling apart. And he still pukes that black gunk.

I just want him back, like before.

But he’s not coming back this time

And it hurts