bill burr quotes

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
—  Bill Burr
  • Draco: Okay so let me get this straight... God's everywhere right?
  • Hermione: Yep, everywhere, all the time.
  • Draco: Okay, so God's everywhere... but we have to go down to church to see him? Really?
  • Hermione: That's where you visit him yes. Church is like God's house.
  • Draco: Then why is he mad at me down there!? He asked me to visit!! And Why in the name of Merlin's pants do I owe HIM money?!?!
I think Trump got in because of eight years of Obama and progressive left, and I think they got in because of eight years of Bush and Cheney, and I think they got in because of eight years of Clinton, and I think he got in because of eight years of Clinton and Bush. It goes way conservative and then it goes way fucking liberal. My problem with both sides is the way they ram their ideologies down your fucking throat. If you have a difference of opinion on the right, usually, it means you’re against America, you don’t support the troops, and you’re a socialist. On the left, if you don’t agree with them you’re a caveman, you’re a sexist, you’re a racist, any of those fucking things. But both sides equally try to get you to lose your job and destroy your ability to earn a living because of your beliefs.
—  Bill Burr
Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
—  Bill Burr
Bill Burr’s got it right. He’s a necessary funhouse mirror to a culture that needs to just take a deep goddamn breath for one second, to lay back in the recliner and just take it all in. Not to think about how much you hate it, not to swear at it, not to opine over the sad state of it all, but to just sit there and think about it. And, hey, while you’re sitting there, maybe you’ll think of something funny.

When was the last time your dick came up with a good plan? Oh, it’s got some great ideas, but when was the last time it came up with a good plan beyond “Do it”?

That’s your dick’s entire plan: “Do it.”

Forget preparation, forget looking for possible pitfalls, forget everything. If your dick were a person, it would be on America’s Dumbest Criminals.

—  Bill Burr