bilgesnipes

Sweet-Talker

Or, How Bucky Won Over The Hammer Of Thor.

(Here on AO3) 

Thor enjoyed the pleasant fragrances of Midgardian soaps. The one in the common-floor bathroom was labelled “Lavender Daydream” and was tinted a mild purple. It had a gentle floral scent with a slightly acrid undertone, and Thor wondered absently if Midgard had an actual plant named lavender, or if it was like blue-flavored drinks, with no non-artificial analogue. With Midgard, there was no way to tell. Regardless, it was a pleasing scent, and Thor would enjoy the soothing scent and gentle moisturizing properties of the liquid. 

Midgard was such a fascinating world. 

Thor toweled his hands dry and stepped out of the bathroom, intending to head towards the kitchen. Bruce had left some curry in the fridge, and Thor wanted to test his mettle against his perennial foe, the spicy pepper. 

He took one imperious stride into the common room and tripped. He caught himself on lavender-scented palms, just shy of sprawling flat on his face on the carpet. 

Sitting innocently in the middle of the hallway was Mjolnir. 

Strange. He was sure he’d left his hammer on the sofa. 


kingofmemes posted:

common room rules state that anything unlabeled is fair for anyone to use. shoulda put a sticky note on your mythological weapon of unimaginable power before you left it on my seat buddy

Posted at 3:23 pm, 4729 notes

(Read More below)

Keep reading

Surprise

Requested By Anon

Pairings: Loki x f!Reader

Y/B/F - Your best friend


Loki has created a chatroom.

Loki has invited Y/N.

Loki: Greetings, my love. I have a surprise for you. I’m sure you’ll love it! Please wait in your room.

Y/N: Really?! Thank you! You shouldn’t have. What is it? Tell me please!

Loki: A surprise, love.

Y/N: Can’t I have a hint? Please, please, please!

Loki: Tony is going to have a fit when he sees it, that’s for sure. Ehehehehe!

Loki: I’m going to try and sneak it in. Give me 10 minutes.

Y/N: … You didn’t get me a bilgesnipe, right?

Loki: I considered it but we already have Thor, one is enough. It’s a midgardian animal however.

Y/N: DOG? CAT? BUNNY? PARROT? A STRAY CLINT?

Loki: No, my love.

Loki: At times I really do question your friendship with Barton…

Y/N: Speaking of which, he’s trying to enter the chat. What did you put the password as?

Loki: Don’t worry, he’ll never guess it.

Clint has joined the chat.

Loki: What sorcery….

Clint: Y/N WHY ARE YOU IGNORING MY TEXTS

Clint: I SENT YOU MEMES THAT I NEED YOUR APPROVAL ON

Clint: I FARMED THESE MEMES MYSELF

Clint: Get it? Because I have a farm.

Clint: You… are dating Loki?

Y/N: No! Who said that?

Loki: Er, why would you think that Y/N and I are courting?

Clint:

Clint: “My love.” A private chat. Surprises! I’m deaf not blind!

Y/N: … We’re really close friends?

Clint: YOU ONLY TALK TO Y/B/F LIKE THAT!

Loki: I’m one of Y/N’s best friends?

Clint: YOU SHUT YOUR LYING MOUTH!

Clint: I’M ONE OF Y/N’S BEST FRIENDS, YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT ONE OF THEM

Clint: Also what kind of stupid password is “LokiLaufeysonIsTheFutureAndRightfulKingOfAsgardWithHisQueenY/N”?

Y/N: Really babe, really?!

Clint: Seriously judging you, Loki.

Y/N: Of all the possible passwords!

Clint: At least add numbers to make it more challenging!

Loki: It’s a good password! Thor would never guess it!

Clint: Wait, wait, wait. We’re moving off topic. Y/N, how could you not tell me you’re dating this ice sculpture?

Y/N: I was going to! I was just waiting for the right time. Please don’t tell anyone yet! They’re not going to take it well.

Clint: You’re dating a psychopath, of course they won’t!

Loki: I’m not a psychopath, I’m a highly functioning sociopath.

Clint: Don’t taint Sherlock!

Clint: So, I’m the only one who knows about this?

Loki: Yes, thank Odin.

Clint: It would be a shame

Clint: If the others found out

Y/N: DON’T YOU DARE!

Clint: If only there were donuts to keep my mouth shut

Clint: But there aren’t any…

Clint: Maybe I’ll add the team and ask them if they have any.

Y/N: How many do you want?

Clint: A DOZEN EVERY WEEK FOR THE NEXT 3 MONTHS!

Y/N: Deal.

Y/N: Loki, love. Get Clint some donuts, please?

Loki: … Fine.

Clint: And I want to go to Asgard.

Loki: I’ll see what I can do.

Clint: I want the fancy armor too!

Loki: Of course.

Clint: And your helmet.

Loki: Absolutely not!

Clint: Let’s ask the team how they’re doing, shall we?

Y/N: I hate you.

Clint: Love you too, Y/N.

Loki: The helmet is yours but nothing else! Do we have a deal?

Clint: Deal. Remember, hurt my lovely Y/N and you will regret it!

Thor has joined the chat.

Loki: NO!

Clint: I didn’t tell him.

Thor: Brother! You are courting Lady Y/N?!

Y/N: It’s a good password, you said. Thor would never guess it, you said.

Thor: How could you keep this from me! We are family!

Thor: Did you think I would not be happy for you?

Loki: Do you approve?!

Thor: Of course I do! Lady Y/N is a wonderful person, I could think of no one else better than her for you. Hearty congratulations brother!

Loki: I am surprised… Thank you… Brother.

Thor: But Lady Y/N, I must offer my most sincere and heartfelt apologies to you as my brother is far from wonderful.

Loki: Outrageous!

Y/N: Don’t worry, Thoreo! Loki has been a marvelous boyfriend.

Clint: So far… And when he messes up, I will be there to fight him.

Loki: Why do you have a cute nickname for Thor…?

Loki: And dammit, Barton! I love Y/N. I would NEVER hurt her.

Thor: We must celebrate! I shall ask Stark to take us to one of the finest dining places on Midgard.

Y/N: THOREO NO

Loki: YOU OAF, DON’T LET ANYONE ELSE KNOW!

Thor has added Tony.

Thor:

Thor: Better now than never!

Thor has left the chat.

Loki: FOOL!

Clint: I’m still getting my donuts despite Tony knowing, right?

Tony: what

Tony: is

Tony: THIS

Loki: … A chat?

Y/N: …. Surprise!

Tony: Did you cast a spell on Y/N? Is it blackmail? Y/N you can tell me!

Y/N: Tony. I know this must be hard to accept but… Loki and I are in love.

Tony: MY ARC REACTOR HURTS! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS

Y/N: He’s no longer the man who tried to take over New York and who threw you off a building. Give him a chance, please!

Loki: My love, I know that you are trying to resolve the situation, but perhaps try not to mention my past misdeeds?

Clint: Are we at the part where Tony shoots him with his little blasty things?

Tony has added Natasha, Steve, Bruce.

Clint: We’re all going to kick his ass? I’ll get my bow.

Loki: I thought you were on our side, Barton!

Clint: I still didn’t get my donuts.

Tony: Steve, do something!!

Natasha: I can’t believe I’m saying this but, I think their relationship is good.

Y/N: But Nat, you just found out?

Natasha: I’m a spy, remember?

Tony: Don’t… encourage them!

Natasha: Ever since they started dating, Loki has been nicer, more kind. Less creepy and evil. Which is really good for us.

Steve: Natasha has a point. I don’t think Loki would jeopardize his relationship with Y/N by trying to take over the world and he seems to love her a lot, I don’t think he’d do anything to hurt or upset her.

Tony: HAVE YOU PEOPLE GONE MAD?!

Clint: … Tony. I think we’ve entered an alternate dimension.

Y/N: Stevie, you’re taking this really well…

Loki: Stevie…?

Steve: Natasha told me about you and Loki as soon as you two started dating.

Clint: BUT NOT ME??????????

Y/N: Awwww you guys, you knew this whole time and didn’t make a big deal about it unlike a certain bird and billionaire here. Thank you Nat and Stevie <3

Steve: Oh I’m trying my best not to punch Loki.

Nat: Not a day goes by when I don’t want to shoot him.

Loki: I can’t blame them.

Steve: But he makes you happy.

Nat: And you make him a better person, so we grudgingly approve.

Loki: Banner, you’re more quiet than usual…

Bruce: I’m just thinking.

Loki: About?

Tony: He’s trying to think of ALL THE WAYS TO HURT YOU IF YOU HURT Y/N!

Bruce: Tony is right.

Loki: I will gladly accept becoming one with the floor if I dare hurt Y/N, which I would never.

Bruce: Excellent.

Y/N: Soooooooo, now that everyone knows, can you all leave?

Clint: NEVER!

Tony: WE WILL NEVER GIVE YOU TWO PRIVACY AFTER THIS!

Y/N: …

Y/N: Love, did you uh, manage to bring in my surprise?

Loki: Oh yes, ehehehehehehehehe.

Steve: When he laughs/types like that, it means he’s up to something bad.

Loki: I’m feeding it first and then I’ll bring it up to your room.

Tony: What surprise?

Tony: Feeding it?!

Tony: Look, we have enough strays. We took in Loki and Bucky, we can’t take in more.

Nat: What is it?

Bruce: I’m kinda curious too. Spill.

Scott has joined the chat.

Scott: WHY DOES LOKI HAVE A LEMUR

Scott: A LEMUR

Scott: LEMUR

Scott: WHY

Scott: Also, gross. Y/N, why him?

Y/N: OMG

Y/N: DARLING, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE!

Y/N: NO SERIOUSLY, I’M QUITE CONFLICTED ABOUT THIS

Loki: I remembered how after watching that movie… Madagascar? You said you thought the lemur was cute. Do you not like it?

Clint: Can I pet it?!

Tony: NO WILD ANIMALS IN ME BASE

Tony: My*

Scott: THIS LEMUR DOES NOT LIKE ME

Scott: I swear it wants to start a fight

Scott:

Scott: DO YOU THINK I’M LYING

Scott: AIFPHWEH G GNLKREG

Scott has been disconnected.

Y/N: Is he okay?!

Loki: It attacked him.

Natasha: … I’m not breaking that fight up.

Clint: Who shall come out as the victor? Scott or King Julien II?

Bruce: Probably the lemur.

Tony: I guess we can keep the lemur? Just make sure to keep it out of the lab and my room.

Tony has left the chat.

Steve: I should help Scott…

Steve has left the chat.

Loki: What shall we name him, love?

Clint: I’VE ALREADY NAMED HIM

Y/N: Clint’s name is good.

Loki: Alright, we shall name him Clint.

Y/N: No, I meant King Julien II

Loki: Ehehehe Clint it is!

Clint: .. I’m kinda touched, not gonna lie. Clint Jr. So cute.

Loki: Oh.

Bruce: So now we have a lemur, a raccoon, a hawk, an ant, two spiders, a panther and a falcon.

Bruce: … Can we get a penguin next? 

Natasha: No.

Bruce: Please?

Natasha has left the chat.

Bruce has left the chat.

Clint: What a great day.

Clint has left the chat. 

Loki: Finally! I thought they’d never leave.

Y/N: If you’re done settling in Clint Jr. can you come to my room where I’ve been waiting for the past 20 minutes for you?

Loki: To thank me, I presume? ;)

Sam has joined the chat.

Sam: ewwwww.

Sam has added Bucky.

Bucky: ewwwwwww.

Loki: STOP IT, YOU IMBECILES!

Sam: OF ALL THE HUNKS ON THIS TEAM,

Bucky: YOU CHOOSE HIM?

Sam: I’m insulted, Y/N.

Bucky: If you ever break up with him Y/N, you know where to find me.

Sam: And me.

Sam has left the chat.

Bucky has left the chat.

Loki: Would you be upset if I set Clint Jr. upon them?

Y/N: Yes.

Loki: Consider it, please.

Loki: Clint Jr. has stopped his attack on the bug man. See you soon, love.

Y/N has left the chat.

Loki has left the chat.

Vision has joined the chat.

Vision:

Vision has left the chat.
Go The Fuck To Sleep (the Yondu and Quill edition)

The rats nestle close to their ratlets,
Half-nut is tryin’ to count sheep.
Yer cozy and warm in yer bunk, my boy.
Please go the fuck to sleep.

The portholes are dark in the ship, boy.
Thanos sits out in the deep.
I’ll read ya another damn holopad if ya swear
That you’ll go the fuck to sleep.

The Nova who soar through the sky are at rest
As the peace is sure to keep.
I know you ain’t thirsty. That’s bullshit. Quit lyin’!
Lie down, idjit Terran, and sleep.

The cosmic wind whispers through space, son.
The stars, they make not a peep.
We’ve travelled thirty-eight lightyears already.
By Anthos, what the fuck? Go to sleep.

All the miners from Knowhere are in dreamland.
The fleas have made their last leaps.
Hell no, ya can’t go to the bathroom.
Ya know where ya can go? The fuck to sleep.

The Kree fly forth from their homeworld.
Their canons roar and slaves weep.
The hot, crimson rage fills my heart, boy.
For real: shut the fuck up and sleep.

Taserface and Narblik are snoring
Wrapped in a big, snuggly heap.
How come ya can fit through the vent ducts
But ya can’t lie the fuck down and sleep?

Celestial seeds slumber in Terra,
And the other worlds Ego will reap.
No more questions, this game is over.
I’ve got two words for ya, kid: fuckin’ sleep.

The bilgesnipes recline on Asgardian plains,
Trinkets at the market are cheap.
Fuck yer Walkman kid, I ain’t fetchin’ you shit.
Close your eyes, cut the crap: sleep.

B.O. wafts around the Eclector
Like a smog cloud it billows and creeps.
My life is a failure, I’m a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fuckin’ with me dammit, and sleep.

(Accompanies this art)

Imagine finding a cute way to tell Loki your pregnant with his baby. You suspect your pregnant and get some blood work done on a Friday but have to wait till Monday for the results. Father’s Day falls that Sunday and you say nothing. Monday morning, you take a home pregnancy test and it comes out positive. Then that afternoon the lab calls to confirm your suspicions. You gift wrap the home test in a little box and after dinner that night, give it to him. “What’s this?” “Just a little something I wanted to give you.” He unwraps it and quickly glances back and forth between it and you. “Is this what I think it is?” “Yes. Sorry the Father’s Day fairies were late in delivering it but I had to wait on a definite confirmation” “So we’re having a baby?” “Nope, a bilgesnipe.” He then carries you upstairs and makes love to you so sweetly, you almost lose your mind.

Thor

Thor eating the Poptarts because he hasn’t been to this realm in a while and maybe this is a delicacy and they are honoring him, or maybe they are poor and this is all they have to share and he is, above all things, polite to his hosts.

Thor being much happier when he gets to the diner and gets scrambled eggs because protein and do you know how much protein it takes to support that much muscle mass?

Thor tinkering with Darcy’s tazer to increase the power output after watching Star Trek episodes with Steve because her tazer only has a stun option and he wants to make sure that, if necessary, it has a kill option as well. She has shown herself to be a worthy warrior and will not abuse this power.

Thor bringing Asgardian therapists skilled in advanced PTSD treatment to Avengers Tower and locking Clint and Bucky and Steve and Natasha and Sam and Tony and whoever else is in arms reach in sessions with them. He never does it to Pepper though until she asks if it would be all right if she talked to someone for a while, and he apologizes and says “Of course.”

Thor volunteering as a sparring partner for Steve because as useful as a punching bag is, sometimes you want to hit someone, and no one else can stand up to Steve at full strength.

Thor going with Steve to visit the graves of all the Howling Commandos because he knows what it is like to lose friends and feel like it is your fault you weren’t there to protect them.

Thor getting Jarvis to set up an appointment with Tony’s tailor for him and coming back with a whole new bespoke wardrobe of suits. Jaws drop when he walks in to the main tower and he nods. That is the appropriate reaction to a Prince of Asgard entering the room.

Thor going to department stores and asking the sales girls to help him pick out a casual wardrobe because he knows that girls like touching his chest and he needs some t-shirts and jeans for when Tony has found another weird restaurant that they all have to go try. He’s perfectly capable of finding the right size by himself, but this way he has brightened some strangers’ days. Sometimes he gets Steve and Clint to come along and they get the most impeccable customer service.

Thor always buying a new outfit for Dr. Banner on these trips because he refuses to come along because he doesn’t like being touched but regularly needs new clothes.

Thor doing every Vine trend that comes along. Thor creating a few Vine trends, including one known as “The Hammer” and another known as “bilgesniping.”

Thor doing advocacy work for organizations that provide support to adopted kids.

Thor talking to Lady Sif at Natasha’s request about going on a date with Steve. Lady Sif punches Thor. So does Steve.

Thor giving the specifications for advanced vaccines against common diseases to Pepper so she can have her scientists at Stark Enterprises “discover” them.

Thor.

Distractions + Bonus Chat

Pairing: T’Challa x F!Reader

Request:

T'challa x Reader where she wants to ask him out but the others find the most random things to ask to distract them     

A/N: The bonus chat is at the end of this. And Wade is in it, so as always, language.


Wanda has created a chatroom.

Wanda has added Y/N.

Wanda: So, how’d it go? Did you ask T'Challa yet?

Y/N: Something came up and he had to leave for Wakanda. It’s fine, I’ll ask him when he gets back.

Wanda: It could be months, Y/N. You shouldn’t wait. Ask him now.

Wanda: I know what you’re doing, and don’t you dare!

Y/N: Huh? I’m not doing… whatever it is that you presume I am.

Wanda: So you’re not searching for quotes on being patient as an excuse to not ask him now?

Y/N: Dammit, you know me too well!

Y/N: How would I ask him now, anyway?

Wanda: If only the Avengers had some secure, private means of communicating with each other…

Keep reading

Rise Up

Chapter Six

Previous Chapter

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader  |  Word Count: 3045
Warnings: none

Song: Rainbow by Kesha


When you and Steve finally did emerge from the confines of your suite, you walked hand in hand into the common area to find an irate Loki waiting. You knew well in advance he was annoyed as the sparks and surges of his power were tangible on the air.

“I have better things to do than wait on you, (Y/N)!”

“Like what?” you asked, smile smug.

Steve snickered, pressing a kiss to your temple. “I’ll be back after the debriefing.” His attention shifted to Loki. “Do not upset her again.”

“Or what, Captain?”

“Or I’ll make what Bruce did to you look like child’s play in comparison.”

Before things could degenerate into a testosterone fuelled pissing contest, you patted Steve’s butt, gave him a look, and sent him on his way. “Go. We’ll be fine.”

“Baby,” he murmured, leaning down to kiss you with far more heat than required.

By the time he was finished you were one nip short of dragging him back to the bed with the rumpled sheets barely cooled from the last time you’d set them on fire. “Go away, Stevie.”

Keep reading

Say It (Loki x Reader)

Rating: T

Summary: After overhearing some negative comments directed at you, Loki comforts you after having a breakdown.

Warnings: Body image insecurities


You shut the door to your apartment and fast-walk with your head down so as not to make eye contact with Loki and head directly to the bathroom. This, without realizing it, is a total self-destruction move because of the giant mirror that greets you upon entering. Pacing back and forth you breathe heavily, erratically. Your head is simultaneously running a mile a minute with negative thoughts and yet shutting down. And then- something in you snaps.

Keep reading

“Snow King”

Asgard. One of the Nine Realms and your home for many a year. You had grown up as one of the local children until your parents died in an accident. Queen Frigga then adopted you as one of her own and, though you missed your parents dearly, you never looked back.

Friends for life were found in the sons of Odin - Thor and Loki - with whom you frequently enjoyed the company of. You and Thor could often be seen riding together and socialising alongside the Warriors Three. However when you wanted to be alone, you would retreat to the library. Loki would almost always join you and silently sit reading in the chair next to you just to make sure you always had company if you ever wanted it.

It was after one such day that you retired to your chambers and clambered into your bed. The covers were always so welcoming after a tiring day and though avoiding Fandral’s advances and gossiping with Sif had been fun, you just wanted some peace and quiet with your thoughts to yourself. As you lay in bed, your mind drifted to the earlier conversations…

Keep reading

I was reading through some of my old notes, and came across this scene for an as-yet unwritten Balrog’Verse story.  I’m rather pleased with it, and it didn’t need a whole lot of fleshing out, so here, have it.  Consider it a preview of coming attractions.

‘Darcy?  What are you doing here?’

Darcy looked up from taking her coat off to see Stephen and another man coming down the frankly overkill staircase that dominated the New York Sanctum’s foyer.   ‘Movie night, remember?’   She held up the bag filled with candy, popcorn, and DVDs of her favourite movies, causing Stephen to groan theatrically.  ‘Hey, it’s your own fault.  I told you not to bet against Tony.’

‘How was I supposed to know he’d be so fast?’  Stephen didn’t even flinch when Wendy abandoned him to greet Balrog.  At this point, he was used to playing second fiddle to a bilgesnipe in the cloak’s affections.

‘Stephen, my magical unicorn, you’ve fallen victim to one of the classic blunders.  The first is Never Get Involved in a Prank War with Clint.  But only slightly less well-known is this:  Never Go Up Against a Stark when Engineering Is Involved.  Now c’mon!  You said you had a nifty projection spell!’

‘Still think this is an abuse of magic,’ he grumbled.

Darcy and the other man, another sorcerer, judging by his clothes, snorted in unison.  ‘Stephen,’ she said, dropping her bag to say hello to Wendy, ‘you use magic to blast your music through the entire Sanctum.  Don’t go stuffy on me now.’

The other sorcerer crossed his arms.  ‘Anyway, when have you ever let ethics interfere with your use of the mystic arts, Stephen?’

‘Exactly!’  Darcy grinned, waving an arm at her new ally.  ‘My good friend here who I have just met makes an excellent point.  What’s your name, good friend?’

Stephen pinched the bridge of his nose, briefly remembering the blissful days when people actually took him seriously.  ‘Darcy, this is Wong.  Wong is…  What do you do?’ he asked, turning to Wong with a frown.  ‘Are you still the librarian?  Are you the Master of the Hong Kong Sanctum?  Because ever since Dormammu, all I’ve ever seen you do is hang around and criticize my work.’

The very corner of Wong’s lips twitched.  ‘Have you ever considered that that is a full-time job?’ he asked dryly.

‘Sassy.  I like him.  Nice to meet you.’  Shaking his hand, she added, ‘Just Wong?  Like Beorn?  Galadriel?  Sauron?’  When there was no response, she tried one more.  ‘Beyoncé?’

Wong shot a flat look at Stephen, who was turning his snickers into unconvincing coughs.  ‘I can see why you’re friends.’

Head Over Heels

for @fudebusho

Pairing:  Darcy/Loki

Word Count:  1022

Prompt:  ‘Head Over Heels’ by Tears for Fears (1985)

Rating:  T

Warnings: None

Link: Ao3


“Do you have plans after work, Ms. Lewis?”  

Loki’s question hung there in the air around them.  And it took Darcy a few seconds to realize that the ‘Ms. Lewis’ he was referring to was her.  Loki, Thor’s baby brother (not so much ‘baby’ as ‘not-quite-so-ancient-by-earth-standards’ as Thor) wanted to know if she had plans after work.  

What were words again?  

“No,” she said bluntly, finally answering him and cutting through the tension with her machete of awkward.  It was lucky that he’d approached her when she was alone at her desk.  This significantly cut down on the level of awkward.  

If her labmates weren’t two of the nosiest scientists in the entire world.  

Jane let out a whisper of a sigh and Bruce resumed typing.  

Or maybe she was just imagining that everything had stopped the second Loki spoke to her.  

Maybe if he did it more often – talked to her, that is – it wouldn’t be such an earth-stopping event.  But he didn’t.  

She could count on her hand the number of words he’d spoken to her that day, actually…other than the query about her plans.  Pretty much a ‘hello’ when she’d arrived and a muttered ‘excuse me’ when she had to move around him to get at the thing Jane was rapidly and vaguely fluttering her hands at.

Loki was supposedly the silver-tongued prince of Asgard…why wasn’t he using that tongue on her?  

Oh god… she berated herself, in complete disbelief that she’d even so much as thought about that.  

Well, not SO much disbelief.  In addition to being silver-tongued, he was purportedly handsome.  And Darcy could concur.  So much concurring was happening.  Oh holy hell, did the concurring happen.  

But in all honesty?  Darcy was a touch relieved that the younger Odinson – was it Odinson?  Thor still called him ‘brother’, but there was a little bit of cringing happening on Loki’s part whenever he did – anyway…She was relieved that Loki didn’t speak to her as often as his nickname would imply.  Mostly because he scared her.  

Not in the ‘former-evil-genius-who-tried-to-enslave-mankind’ way…Thor had pretty much explained what all that mess was about.  Not to minimize the horrible things he’d done in the slightest, but Darcy was around a bunch of people who seemed to have these horrific pasts and one of the best things about her was her ability to look past actions and into the person.  

But she’d done that a little with Loki and he scared her for a different reason. The unbridled-wildness kind of way…

Not that Darcy hadn’t tamed a wild stallion or two in her day…but Loki seemed to be a different breed.  He was one of those things Thor talked about all the time.  A bilgesnipe.  

Or maybe something a little less ugly.  Did they have wild stags on Asgard?  

“Would you like to?”  Loki asked.  Another question.  

Damn, he was all for quadrupling his total spoken word count in her direction today, wasn’t he?  

“To have plans?” she asked, totally delaying the inevitable, where he asked what she was pretty sure he was going to ask and she melted into a puddle of awkward on the floor.  

“Plans…dinner…vigorous love-making…the choice is yours, Ms. Lewis.”  

She could swear Bruce started choking.  And maybe it was a coincidence – dude didn’t seem to know the meaning of small sips when it came to piping hot tea – but it didn’t seem like it.  

She drew up her courage from somewhere deep within her.  Somewhere deep.  Like it was deep as fuck, you guys.  Deep, deep down courage.  

She tilted her head, saucily placing her hand on her hip.  “I think if vigorous lovemaking is on the table, you should definitely call me Darcy.”  She winked and added at the end for an extra punch of umph.  “Lokes.”  

He smiled.  Which…up until this point, she hadn’t really seen in its final form.  

Did she say she was scared?  Scared wasn’t the word anymore.  

Hopelessly giddy.  That’s what she was.  

Because Loki’s smile?  In what she hoped was its final form?  Was nothing but downright sexy.  Dude had bedroom eyes for days.  And cheekbones that went all the way, man.  Whatever that meant?  It was true.  

She felt her cheeks flush hot and pink as she stood there.  

“Darcy it is…” he paused for a moment before continuing.  “I’d like to see you tonight…”  

She was biting down on her lower lip to stop herself from grinning.  “See me where?”

His eyes widened infinitesimally.  “I would be forever grateful if you’d allow me to cook you dinner?  If you’d allow me to show you the stars…the galaxies…worlds so much different than the one where you live…worlds that would hold you in the highest regards. Darcy.”  

She arched an eyebrow.  “Maybe let’s start with dinner.  At my place.  I’ll help you cook.  And… in response to the latter part of your statement…declaration…statlaration? I dunno if you’ve noticed?  I’m held in some pretty high regards around here.”  She cocked her head to the side with a smirk.  

“Not high enough,” he countered.  

Ah.  There it was.  The silver tongue.  He wanted something.  

And judging by the look in those eyes of his, that something was Darcy Catherine Lewis.  

“Flattery will get you nowhere.  A nicely cooked steak, though?  That’ll win wars.”  

Loki let out the breath he was holding and conceded.  “Steak it is…”  He squinted skeptically.  “What sort of person doesn’t like flattery?” he asked.  

“The sort who has heard enough of it to realize that it’s only rarely sincere.  The sort of person who already knows all the bullshit you’re trying to tell me.  I know what I am.  I’m a hot, young, voluptuous woman.  I certainly didn’t need you to fall from the sky and fill me in.”  

He smiled again.  Same smile as before.  “I suppose that will save me a lot of time, then.”  

Darcy couldn’t help but return the expression.  He hadn’t gotten all butthurt and horrible.  “I suppose it will.”  

“Dinner at eight?”  

“Not if you expect me to not eat anything beforehand.”  

“Seven?”  

“That’s more like it.”   

the bilgesnipe in the room


Where the elephant doesn’t really describe the size of the situation, and you’d rather pretend the antlers aren’t poking you in the back.

I made it, @bloomsoftly ! For you! Yaaay! Because you’re having a hard time and I wanted to make you smile! :D

Special thanks to @ragwitch who checked the whole thing (and enforced work hours… and helped me with blocks) and @hollyspacey that pretended she was Sam and filled me the conversation voids. You’re awesome!

Read in on AO3: here.


“There’s another one.”

Darcy groaned. Loudly. This was the fourth time this week. And yes, she kind of got it, but man this was getting ridiculous.

She opened the doors of Baker Shelter and yep, sure enough, the sounds of battle were already creeping up from the streets and people were trying to find somewhere to hide.

“What is it today?” She sighed, “Doombots? A giant hamster?” she shook her head, “no matter. Open the doors. Close the big pen and let the people in.”

Amanda nodded and rushed to the pens.

It was becoming some sort of routine for the people to come and hide in the Shelter. Darcy hadn’t planned on this, it was a Dog sanctuary not some kind of catastrophe refuge, but when she finally realized it was time they prepped for such a situation, they noticed that many people actually had nowhere to go back to. And they couldn’t turn them away, they weren’t monsters.

And so Darcy had planned accordingly, and had turned to the only person that could have helped her in such a situation: JARVIS.

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Happy Birthday, idontgettechnology!

August 31 - Involving a kitten in some way, Shieldshock for @idontgettechnology

Written by @backwardsandinhighheels

“Hey Rogers, come check this out!”

Steve snapped his shield back into place at Barton’s voice. “What is it?”

“Clint’s made a new friend,” Romanoff said dryly. “You can relax, Cap. Probably.” She stood at Barton’s back, watching his six as he peered into the gap between two bits of debris.

“Stick your hand in here,” Barton said. “See if you can reach. My arm’s a little short.”

“What am I trying to get?” Steve asked, doing as Barton said anyway. “I - what the hell?” He pulled his arm out and stared at the scrappy bit of fluff attached to his glove.

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slashfan1024  asked:

*throws parenting manuals at Yondu from behind Taserface* (Yondu-shaming week plz!)

It’s gonna be like cat-shaming

Just pictures of Yondu looking smug holding up signs relating all the Terrible Things he’s done that day

‘I stole Kraglin’s soup and I’m still not sorry’

‘I told Quill that Orloni are just Bilgesnipe standing really far away and gave him nightmares’

‘I intentionally mispronounced Taserface’s name for an entire week (Taz-ear-faze, Tay-sore-fish, etc.) and he got so mad he punched through the exterior wall and we had to leave him stuck there so all the air didn’t escape’

Across the Divide

TITLE: Across The Divide

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter Thirty

AUTHOR: wolfpawn

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki sneaking out of the palace as a youth to see the city and countryside, while out one day, he accidentally gets in trouble for something, but a young girl deals with the situation, allowing him to be left alone and his true identity be kept secret. She is a poor girl who is only in the city to sell goods with her father, so she does not realise it is Loki, even though she sees his face. They form a friendship as she shows him around the city, and tells him the date she comes to the city every month for a particular market.

RATING: Teen and Up


As expected, when it was revealed that both Thor and Loki had found suitors that were not, in the opinion of some Lords, to be suitable, many argued that Loki has used his magic to trick his father into permitting him to court a peasant orphan and that Lady Sif was carrying a child, who, depending on who you spoke to, was or was not, of Thor’s blood, though none spoke these words aloud within the throne room. In Odin’s presence, only particular arguments were made, usually regarding alliances with other realms that could be made with either or both sons, as well as comments that it made Asgards look weak will it not to be theme to choose adequate partners for the future king and the realm’s most powerful second Lord and seidr wielder. It was very clear very quickly that Odin did not care for their opinions on the matter and that all of the comments, requests and beseeching were falling on deaf ears.

Frigga, for her part, took immense pleasure in grinning at the ladies of Court, both mothers and daughters, who thought they had a chance with her sons but who she always found lacking, knowing it would kill them somewhat that her sons had chosen such women of their own accord. Sif was never overly feminine, though incredibly beautiful, she had never been one to worry about the latest trends in fashion. Frigga had noted on occasion when she had been looking for suitors for her sons, that Sif would never want to try and seek attention from any man, nor did she throw hers on them. Her dresses were always elegant and well-tailored, usually to a different design to most of the girls, but her demeanour had shown that it was not to seek attention that she did this. In her opinion, it made Sif all the more desirable a partner for her eldest son. It was one thing she noted, the daughter of a lord, even one seen as lowly to catch the eye of the Prince, but it was Ariella, Frigga noted, that got the lion’s share of the abuse and aggression. What made that more laughable, was the severe lack of caring and Ariella’s part. Not once did she seem the least bit interested in the gossiping of Court. She continued her studies and her own private work daily and without concern.

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