lucky number

your first real boyfriend is two inches shorter than you. he smells like mountain dew and hair gel and wears a black and red sweatband around his left wrist. he kisses you in his parents’ garage on the fourth of july with the lights turned off and the hard plastic shell of an xbox controller digging into your spine. your shorts stick to your thighs when you stand up again. his best friend punches him in the shoulder. laughs. calls you “matt’s girl” while you’re watching fireworks, but never actually says your name.

your second boyfriend is older. two years, maybe three; he’s as vague about his birthday as he is about the other girls you’ve seen him talking to. he tells you he was born in switzerland. you buy him an $80 jacket for christmas. he makes jokes about oral sex that you don’t understand until he offers you a practical demonstration. he undoes the clasp on your bra with one hand. you get your first bikini wax. he teaches you how to say “i love you” in german. you meet his parents. after you break up, he shows his friends pictures of you in your underwear. you keep in touch.

your third boyfriend falls in love with you at first sight. he talks to you for hours about nothing; about everything; about what his plans are for your future together. you order a panini on your first date. he always makes his bed before anyone comes over. he uses terms of endearments like they’re easy. like they’re platitudes. like they’re weapons. he lies to you. you lie to yourself. he gives you a tiffany necklace for your eighteenth birthday with his own initials engraved on the attached silver pendant. your friends coo about how romantic he is. he follows you to college. you let him.

your fourth boyfriend is your fifth boyfriend is your sixth boyfriend. they blur together; fade into one long string of mistakes. you hook up with your kickboxing instructor in a grimy bar bathroom. you eat vegetarian pizza in a stranger’s backyard. you feed your roommate’s ball python a frozen mouse. you stop drinking malibu, start wearing lipstick, and have phone sex with someone else’s husband. no one offers you forever. you don’t care. you don’t.

Your seventh boyfriend–


writer 1: ok so in this scene this girl intimidates rory by threatening paris

writer 2: how about she says, “if paris thinks she can ignore what i have to say, she’s out of her mind” or “she needs a wake-up call”

writer 1: hm no how about like… “if paris thinks she can ignore what i have to say, she’s in for a major bikini wax”

writer 2: i’m uh, 100,000% sure that’s not a real expression todd

writer 1: no it’s like, hip, it’s what the teens say

writer 2: i mean like… ok, but what does rory say in response to that? she can say “gross” or “that’s rude” or something.

writer 1: no she’s gonna say “thanks for the visual”

writer 2: what? like she just… we’re implying rory is standing there painting a mental picture of paris’s vagina?

writer 1: sure

writer 2: look let’s… let’s just have her say, “if paris thinks she can ignore me, she’s wrong” and then rory says like, “you’re not going to get away with this”

writer 1: no. fuck you. this girl is going to say “paris” and “bikini wax” in the same sentence and rory is going to process that mental image and think about paris rubbing aloe vera on her freshly waxed pussy and then she is going to say, “thank you, random ginger bowl cut girl, for blessing me with this vision”

writer 2: isn’t that a little like… homoerotic

writer 1: next season i’m gonna make paris kiss rory on the mouth

writer 2: what the fuck

writer 1: [now spraying silver spray paint directly into his mouth] witness me

The Bitch is here, you can all stop obsessing over my old content and start fantasizing about the new right quick. I just got back from a hot date with a woman that makes Mila Kunis look like Morgan Freeman; who’s gonna pony up the dough to comp our meals and pre-date prep? We went out together for a spa day, bikini waxes included. Give your life purpose, those of you losers out there with your fingers itching towards your paypal buttons or grabbing your credit cards know that the only way you can please a superior woman like me is with muchos dinero. I don’t even laugh at the broke.

To my fellow bloggers, don’t be afraid to come at me if you aren’t stunned into slack-jawed silence by my presence. I only play with the prettiest, but I might still give you the time of day, even if you’re an uggo. I’m feeling super generous and charity, like everything else, looks good on a Goddess.

But I don't WANT to find a damn boyfriend, I like women.

Tumblr, I am not Chinese. I am not gay. And I don’t want my bikini area waxed by someone from another country. Thanks though.

My idea of finding interesting singles is when I find a $1 bill with a note on it like “Barry loves Alice” or a list of states it’s been through each hand written by someone new.

Dating, what is that? Hell I can’t even keep friends anymore.

I am doing something wrong. Have I hit the peek of my social life? Am I destined to peck away at this iPad keyboard from my sofa, eating liquids and offending people with my posts for the rest of my days? Carrie Bradshaw, you owe me $50.

Ahoy tumblr
Ready for a better day today
Fun facts: obsessed with the carols daughter shampoos and conditioners they are amazingggg
I have real eyeliner on but you can’t see it in this pic it looks basic grrr

Went to the gym this morning and had a good workout. It was nice and quiet and I listened to Green Day the whole time 🤘🤘

Then I went to see Mary for a bikini wax (I do it year round bc why get razor bumps down there ?!?) and she also waxed my armpits for free ✅✅ always nice to see her and catch up though. It’s literally right around the corner from my house too. I also didn’t mention that a few days ago my nana fell in her retirement home, she is okay and it was actually not heart health related but more because she is just forgetting to eat and is dehydrated so they are keeping her at the hospital for a few days up in Milton, I haven’t visited bc work but I plan to call her when she gets out and send her one of her fave care packages I always make for her–she always eats the stuff I put in it! Thankfully my mom and aunts are keeping an eye on her and she seems a lot better today my mom said.

Otherwise I have just been home and hanging out until work–hoping I’m not on that mess of a floor I was on last night

My bucket list

Decided I wanted to start checking these off:

Publish a novel
Take a road trip by myself
Get a truly spontaneous tattoo
Graffiti a train car
Explore a cave
Swim with dolphins
Scuba dive
Canoe on a lake
Hold a tarantula
See a southern lighting storm
Stand under a waterfall
Have a butterfly land on me
Act in a play
Blow glass
Create a piece of art and sell it
Attend an LGBTQ event
Go to a book signing
Go to the movies by myself
Buy an entire outfit off a mannequin
Get a bikini wax
Drink absinthe
Order one of everything on a menu
Dance naked under a full moon
Make a blood pact with someone
Do 24 hours of silence
Go 24 hours without sight
See wild horses
See a wolf in the wild
Teach a class
Write a love letter and mail it
Win a game of chess
Stand up paddle board
Sleep in a haunted house
See the northern lights
Minute of silence at a death camp
Go to another county just to write

I must need new boys to text, but thank god
for heath insurance. I haven’t brushed my hair in days and,
finally, I had to take the scissors to my hair, cut away
all the knots. I have this dirty habit of smiling at strange men
as they call to me from across the street,
make sure I leave them with the good strong image
of my hips swinging. Everything is a hangnail,
or a pile of laundry waiting to be done. I go to parties
and it feels like everyone glows in the dark.
It’s so weird because I curse in front of my mother
and she laughs and says finally and gives me 
money for rent, food, whatever. I don’t eat, 
just sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes 
and watch boys go to class and press my thighs together.
I look at prices for laser hair removal, bikini waxes,
organic manicures. The smell of silk makes me weep.
Walking alone at night is a lot like how being black feels.
But I put that away, I don’t talk about it, because shit.
Y'all got enough of our blood spilling into the street.
—  Kristina Haynes, “A Portrait of the Poet: Age 23″
I used to have this fantasy that is some distant Star Wars sequel, we’d finally stop all the shooting and yelling at each other and would go to a shopping-and-beauty planet, where the stormtroopers would have to get facials, and Chewbacca would have to get pedicures and bikini and eyebrow waxes.
—  Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking
Forgiven (Calum Smut)

Requested :-)

Summary: Basically, Cal makes you feel insecure so then he makes it up to you. With his tongue.



“Fuck. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets me going more than my girl saying she just got a bikini wax.” The room erupted in roars at the statement, made by one of Calum’s good friends. You and Calum were hosting a small get-together, and both of you had a few drinks in you. It had been a fun night, but you were getting tired. Since it was at Cal and Ash’s apartment, though, you couldn’t very well kick everyone out. So, you settled for listening to the silly drunken stories getting told by your friends.

“Listen, the bikini wax is a godsend,” Ashton slurred drunkenly, for some reason shirtless and with his pants unbuttoned. “It’s literally like… like…"

Ash never finished his sentence, instead plopping down onto the couch beside you.

“Nah man,” Michael laughs, shaking his head. He was actually still pretty sober. 

“I don’t give a flying fuck what’s down there. There could be a fucking jungle,” he pauses to take a chug from his beer as everyone doubles over laughing. “I’ll play Tarzan. I don’t give a fuck.“

“Bro, if you’re into that, then you and Y/N should fuck.” Everyone exploded into laughter at Calum’s blunt remark. Your cheeks heated as you turned to look at him, just now noticing how very drunk he was as his dimples popped cheekily at you.

“Got a nice carpet, Y/N?” One of his friends joked. You grinned, rolling your eyes. You wanted to cry, but you had to brush it off. Everyone was laughing. What could you do?

You were so mad at Calum. He knew you were insecure of your body hair. Waxing hurt a fuck lot and caused infections and breakouts sometimes, and you had been trying to give yourself a break from shaving every day, since your skin was getting dry and flakey. Calum had never mentioned anything about it before. You wanted to cry.

You didn’t, though. At least, not right at first. Not in front of everyone. Instead, you sweetly turned to Calum.

“Well, one of us have to have some hair in this relationship,” you joked through unnoticeably clenched teeth. “This one is like a naked mole rat.” Everyone chuckled at your statement, agreeing. You knew Calum’s lack of hair was a sore spot, but you didn’t care. You saw hurt flash in Calum’s eyes, but it disappeared quick enough. Good. He deserved to feel the sting of embarrassment, too.

“I think I’m gonna head out,” Michael said next, yawning as he got up from the couch. Everyone else in the room murmured their agreements, muttering goodbyes and leaving so it eventually became just you, Calum and Ashton left. 

Calum was passed out, so you decided to leave him on the couch. You’d deal with his ass tomorrow.

“He’s in trouble, isn’t he?” Ashton giggled as he stumbled behind you into the kitchen. You poured him a glass of water, watching him chug it.

“He’s such a dick sometimes,” is all you mumbled, leaving Ashton and going into your room. You changed into your pajamas and spread out on the bed. You felt so humiliated. All the other girls got bikini waxes, but none of them had hair like yours. It used to be a very sensitive thing for you, but Calum had always assured you that you were beautiful. Guess the truth monster reared its ugly face when he was drunk, though. As usual.


You woke up to a stubbly, chubby cheek rubbing against yours roughly, it being far too early. Breathing in the scent of stale smoke and liquor, you pushed against your boyfriend’s chest. Calum pouted at you but you ignored him, turning on your side so you weren’t facing him. He let out a huff.

“Okay, what’d I do?” He asked, trying to turn you over.

“I know you were drunk, but not drunk enough to not remember last night,” you mumbled, resisting.

“Was it that I forgot the pizza in the oven? That I never dusted the book shelves?”

“No.” You rolled your eyes.

“Then what?”

Groaning, you rolled so you faced him once again. Frowning, your voice came out much less confident than you had hoped.

“If you wanted me to start waxing again, you should’ve just told me privately.“

He stayed quiet for a moment, apparently just realizing the depths of his words last night and the impact they had on your confidence. That was one thing you liked about Calum — he never tried to bullshit you. If you were upset, then he knew he shouldn’t have said something.

“I’m sorry,” he finally spoke, quietly. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. I’m sorry, baby.” He nuzzled your neck, kissing your collarbone.

“It’s just,” you felt dumb, but tears were coming to your eyes. “It’s not my fault I have more body hair than other girls. It just… grows back. I don’t know what to do about it.”

Your voice cracked at the end, and Calum pulled you in tighter.

“It’s not a bad thing,” he murmured into your hair. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t feel bad about it. It’s just you. I wish I could grow hair like you. Then maybe I could finally have a beard. You’re my inspiration.“

You smiled at his comment, dropping it once you remembered the low blow you returned last night. “I’m sorry, too,” you admitted. “About the naked mole rat thing.”

He laughed. “It’s cool. I deserved that one.” He rolled you onto your back, laying on top of you, apparently tired of talking. His plump lips pressed into yours, immediately sucking on your bottom lip. You moaned, pressing your fingertips into his golden skin. Your right hand moved up to card through his thick hair as he let a groan out against your mouth.

“Fuck…” He whined, arching his back as your nails dragged against his scalp. “Gonna make it up to you,” he mumbled, pressing kisses and sucking dark marks into your neck and down your chest.

His lips didn’t pause at your breasts, like usual. Instead, he kept moving lower, pushing your t-shirt off your body as he kissed below your belly button, pausing just above your bottoms.

“Off.” He tugged on them, hooking his fingers into your underwear as well so he could pull both items off as you lifted your hips. He tossed them to the side, not bothering to pay attention to wear they landed.

Bare again, you felt your embarrassment rushing back. You tried to cover yourself, but Calum beat you to it, moving his hands to press your legs apart.

“It’s okay. Let me show you how sorry I am,” he grinned, dimples popping as he lowered his face to below your hips, giving your thighs a kiss each. He used his fingers to tease your folds lightly, running his tongue to lap at your clit. Your breathing was increasing dramatically as he sucked lightly, trying to arouse you so you would relax. It was working.

“Cal…” Your hands found purchase in his curly, thick, messy hair, gripping it tightly, causing him to groan. You moaned as he moved so his thumb circled your clit, his mouth moving down. He stuck his tongue into you, moving it in and out as he ate you out aggressively. Slurping sounds filled the morning air as you tried to muffle your moans, feeling embarrassed now for a different reason. Oh god, what if Ashton could hear you?

You stopped worrying pretty quickly when Calum gently bit your clit, fingers sliding into your pussy as he sucked harshly on it. He hummed, opening his tired eyes to lock with yours as you tugged his hair again.

His fingers spread out, then closed again. Finally, he crooked them up, finding the rough patch that never failed to make you feel good. His nose was pressed against your unshaved pubic bone, but he didn’t seem to mind. Of course he shouldn’t. He’s your boyfriend for fuck’s sake.

“Cal, ‘m feels s’ good,” you mumbled out, bucking your hips against his chin. He brought a strong hand up and pressed against your pelvis, forcing your hips to stay still. He sucked harder on your clit, using his other hand to rub his fingers inside your pussy roughly, but when his eyes opened it was all love. Maybe it was because he looked about as fucked out and sleepy as you felt, or maybe it was the way you could see his plump top lip which was swollen as he went back in to suck your clit again. Whatever it was, you suddenly came harshly with no warning, something you had never done before. As you shuddered and your hands dropped from Calum’s locks, you watched through half-lidded eyes as he retracted his fingers from you, sucking on his two digits to make sure he didn’t miss any of your trace. He left one last kiss to your clit as he crawled back up your exhausted body, pressing a kiss to your jaw as your eyes fluttered open, your hands hooking lazily around his neck.

“Forgiven?” He murmured, voice raspy and rough as he laid down on top of you. He had a hard-on, but you both opted to ignore it for the moment.

“Yeah,” you breathed out softly, pressing a warm kiss to his temple and shutting your eyes, letting his warmth lull you back to sleep. “Forgiven.“

anonymous asked:

Lol its actually 4:30 am right now for me but i couldn't miss an ask opportunity. Love your writing! Gom, kagami, Kiyoshi NSFW reactions to their s/o surprising them with a Brazilian bikini wax?

Generations of Miracles

Akashi Seijurou: Akashi appreciates you suffering through a Brazilian wax just to show off for him, saying that it’s not necessary unless you enjoyed it to that point, before dipping down to kiss you and saying he’d give you a special surprise since you gave him on first.

Aomine Daiki: Aomine tries to continue with foreplay as normal, trying to not act perturbed but says he’s not a big fan of it, and would like it better if you didn’t get one again (he was never one to mince words when it came to sex).

Kise Ryouta: Kise appreciates the smooth skin, complimenting you on how amazing it felt as he runs his fingers over it, eyes sparkling though he slips in that he’s not disgusted by hair or anything (only a real man loves all hair). 

Kuroko Tetsuya: Kuroko tilts his head to the side, asking bluntly why you shaved; after you tell him what you did he just nods and continues to go to town on you as he didn’t care either way, even if he was a bit startled at first.

Midorima Shintarou: Midorima appreciates the sentiment mostly for the cleanliness aspect, but doesn’t want you to do things you’re uncomfortable with for him. Although he doesn’t have a preference when it comes to hair or no hair, he did seem to appreciate how much more sensitive you’d become without hair in the way.

Murasakibara Atsushi: Murasakibara asks you how getting the wax felt, kissing the smooth skin while you explain yourself. He tells you that it’ll probably be really itchy when it’s growing back, chuckling as you swat at him and scold him for trying to ruin the mood you were trying to set.


Kagami Taiga: Kagami stares at your hairless lower body for a little too long, glancing up at you and asking where your hair went and why. When you pout at him he tells you he liked the ‘wild’ look a lot more but shrugs as you can do what you want before diving back into ravishing your body.

Kiyoshi Teppei: Kiyoshi comments that this look is nice on you, admitting he preferred to see you with a more ‘wild’ look involving your hair, but saying he definitely wasn’t going to be picky. He begins to ask if you’d like to get him to do that, cringing when he thinks of the pain and what he’d be willing to go through to please you. 

I witnessed a dude’s CVS purchase of tons of pop, tons of candy and a large bottle of Advil. I threw shade at the whole setup, imagining this guy going back home to the darkest, dankest basement and spending the rest of the day playing with his wiener and Xbox. But damn! If someone saw some of my shitty CVS purchase combos (mac and cheese + at home bikini wax kit at 2:30am etc) who knows what they thought of me. Judge not! Also nobody probably cares. Whatever - here’s an acrylic paint thing.