bikini bods,

peaceontheplanet replied to your post “hey all! so i hit a frankly stupid follower benchmark this week, and…”

Can you tell me another story? I’m bored out of my mind working for insurance and could use an lol. Hope you’re having an otherwise good day with your stupid follower count :)

sure, peaceontheplanet. i mean i can’t promise it’s gonna be as funny as the internet apparently found the porn thing but like, HERE’S A STORY ABOUT THE TIME I GOT MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT (BUT BY A GENTLEMAN).

so when i was studying in argentina, it was like a thursday, and they were having what’s called a “feria” which is kind a holiday?? in argentina sometimes they decide to CANCEL EVERYTHING, ostensibly to celebrate things like books and students but i suspect really so that nobody has to go to work.

  • argentina gets me.

ANYWAY, i decided that day to go the gym! this was new and different for me, a person who considers “intense chewing” to be exercise. 

BIKINI BOD: ON TRACK.

so i went to the gym. it went the way that trips to the gym usually do for 5'8" girls with severe pigeon toes and a total lack of all motivation.

  • badly.

as i’m walking home, past the college of dentistry, i was fussing with a lighter that i had in my pocket because i was also, at that time, dealing with my fear of intimacy by smoking. so this guy comes up to me and is like, “hey, can i borrow a light?”

here’s a list of things i should have said:

  • “sorry, no.”
  • “ahhhhhh you know what, i would, but i’m super busy right now??? i actually have a dentist’s appointment, as evidenced by this College of Dentistry that i’m standing outside??”
  • “NO HABLO ESPAÑOL.”
  • “don’t you know that smoking gives you cancer? let’s commit to quitting, right now, to each other. bring it in. go team. together we can.”

here’s what i did say:

  • “claro que sí, amigo.”

he’s trying to light his cigarette, and his hands are shaking a little? so he can’t. and i’m like, dude, calm down, it’s okay. what is this, your first cigarette or something? lol.

after a few seconds, he kind of goes, “fuck it,” and drops the lighter into his pocket. and i’m like, “excuse me??? that’s my lighter?? also you didn’t even manage to light your cigarette???”  but before i can vocalize these protests, he gets rEALLY close to me and pulls out a knife. then he goes, “you have three seconds.”

what i should have said:

  • “okay. you can have whatever you want.”
  • “here’s my wallet.”
  • “wow, what a very sharp-looking knife, in what way can i avoid being stabbed with it today??”

what i actually said:

  • “haha, uhhhhh, until what?”

UNTIL WHAT. “UNTIL WHAT, MR. SIR WITH THE KNIFE? LIKE, WHAT’S ON THE MENU HERE????”

BUT HE DIDN’T SAY DEATH!!! it turns out that the gentleman attempting to rob me was like, maybe a rookie? it’s possible that he had never robbed anybody at knife-point, before. this as an experience that we were going through together for the first time.

because what he said was: “….i have a knife.

i said, “yes. i can see that. it’s very nice.”

  • IN MY DEFENSE: IF YOU ARE GOING TO ROB SOMEONE, THE ONUS IS ON YOU TO GIVE CLEAR DIRECTIONS.
  • “i have a knife”??? come on, buddy. be better prepared. come with a to-do list. practice in a mirror.
  • “then i’m going to pull out the knife and say: give me _____.”
  • clear, concise, quick. that should be your motto, buddy. it is not MY JOB, as the ROBBEE, to read your goddamn mind. I AM NOT DRIVING THIS SHIP. IF YOU ALSO AREN’T DRIVING IT, WE ARE IN TITANIC-LEVEL TROUBLE.

at this point, clearly realizing that he had gotten in tOO DEEP with this dumbass tourist who didn’t even know how to get robbed properly, he blurted out, “uhhhhh, do you have a phone?”

i did have a phone! i had a broken claro go-phone that i had purchased upon entering the country which had 2 argentine pesos worth of text messages left in it and a inbox message from a boy name juan that said, “you like me a LOT.”

  • i had responded, “actually, i just like you the normal amount.”
  • i felt bad about that when i realized that he was trying to say, “i like YOU a lot,” but feelings verbs in spanish are mostly reflexive.
  • SORRY JUAN.

i handed the man with the knife my phone. he looked at it. looked back up at me. “r u srs?” his face seemed to say. “this is what you’re giving me right now? a janky ass claro go-phone that is CLEARLY MISSING THE NUMBER 7 KEY????”

look, the shoddy workmanship is a source of frustration to you and me BOTH, okay. we’re BOTH victims here.

but the beautiful thing about this story is that HE TOOK IT! he looked at me, looked down at his knife, sighed, and put the phone in his pocket. THEN HE REACHED BACK INTO HIS POCKET AND RETURNED MY LIGHTER TO ME.

we looked at each other.

  • here’s the thing that no one tells you about daylight robbery: there’s like. an afterbeat.
  • there is a moment in between “robbery-in-progress” and “going home to your homestay and explaining that you can’t answer phone calls anymore” where you and your robber have to look at one another and figure out HOW TO WALK AWAY.
  • listen, friends: in robberies, as everywhere, goodbyes are never easy.

“thank you,” he said.

“you’re welcome,” i answered.

he hesitated. “have a good day,” he said.

“………….okay,” i answered. “you too. enjoy the phone.”

  • ENJOY THE PHONE?????
  • IT WAS BROKEN. IT WAS CLEARLY BROKEN. WE BOTH KNEW THAT NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE WAS GOING TO COME FROM THAT PHONE.

i think about this a lot, and i wonder if he ever thinks about me. i wonder if he ever thinks, “that goddamn asshole knew i was going to have to press the 7 key four hundred times before it registered anything." 

  • i’m sorry, man with the knife. i panicked. in the heat of the moment, we all say things we don’t mean.

anonymous asked:

The of the things the batclan hates, is when they have to work a mission during the day -- in the sunlight. Because when they finally take off their masks, there is a defined tan or sunburn. Bruce and Duke (sometimes Tim, depends on which suit) only have to worrying about the area around their mouth. Jason and Cass have eliminated the probably by having fully covering masks/helmet. But Dick, Damian, Steph, and Barb...? They have more to worry about. Including laughter from Cass and Jay.

I’M SOBBING.

The only plus side of living in Gotham is that it’s not the sunniest place in the world… which most people would not consider to be a positive, but the batclan definitely does. But sometimes… when they’re very unlucky… they have to venture out into the hot, blinding heat and light of the summer sun. 

(Prime example: that one summer the Joker thought it would be funny to flood the whole of Gotham with his laughing gas-spiked sewer water, in what he called “Joker’s Pool Party Extravaganza.” And of course this just so happened to occur on a day when Gotham experienced record highs in temperature). 

  • You’re absolutely right, Cass and Jay’s costumes mean they are well protected… but the downside is that they are also very hot and grumpy and sweaty on these days. Alfred makes sure to stress to everyone the importance of staying hydrated on these rare days after Cass forgets to drink enough water (claims it was a bother) and ends up fainting from heat stroke. But only after she’d kicked everyone’s ass, as Steph pointed out in her defence.  
  • Damian is safe from sunburns for the most part. He grew up in the desert for part of his childhood and his DNA means that he tans naturally. But the tan lines are…. very defined. Especially since he often denies the need for protection against “this sad excuse of a sun” when Alfred offers him sun tan lotion. He regrets it later. Scowling at the mask-shaped tan-lines around his eyes in the mirror.
  • As Batgirl, Barbara religiously BATHED in suntan lotion because she’s so fair. Sunburns can be really dangerous for people with her complexion, and her father taught her to always wear sun lotion after that one summer day when she was six and went to preschool without it. He’s never forgiven himself for forgetting. But it’s a special memory for both of them, those few nights the sunburn hurt too much for her to sleep, and they sat together on Daddy’s bed as he gently rubbed cool aloe vera onto her face. Oracle is more than happy to stay inside all day and listen to the other complain about the heat. (But she absolutely will sternly remind everyone to wear lotion. And has threatened to dump Dick if he didn’t put it on before going out… more than once.)
  • Everyone hates Dick because, like Damian, he usually tans more than he burns. He grew up wintering in Florida and running around outside, taking care of animals and doing chores while travelling with circus. But he can still burn and if he does, risks the wrath of his fair-skinned girlfriend giving him another long lecture about the danger of UV rays and cancer. 
  • Duke is generally safe too, and usually just forgoes the lotion (“my beautiful melanin will protect me”, “black don’t crack”, “as the infamous and controversial bard Kanye West has been quoted as saying: ‘I’m way too black to burn from sunrays’”). But after Babs sends him a series of articles about how the risk of skin cancer is still high for black people, he caves and starts wearing a light layering of SPF 15.
  • Steph is pretty at risk, but it’s actually one of the areas she is surprisingly responsible? On sunny days, sometimes she’ll go back to her old Spoiler costume to protect her skin, even if it’s hotter. Once, she and Jason both decided to use the day as an opportunity to “get that nice, tanned bikini bod” and went on patrol wearing a swimsuit and trunks with flip flops. When Bruce got mad, they pointed out they were still protecting their secret identities by still wearing their mask and helmet… but he didn’t seem convinced. 
  • According to Stephanie…………… Bruce and Tim “get burnt, not turnt.” 
  • There are many reasons why Batman operates at night… and one of the lesser known reasons is that Bruce Wayne burns veeeeeeeery easily. He learned this lesson the hard way training in the Himalayas without sun protection. Because white, rich-boy, smarty-pants, 22 year-old Brucie Wayne assumed that sun + snow ≠ increased probability of getting burnt, and thought that skiers and snowboarders wore their goggles just to keep snow out of their eyes and as a fashion statement. And yet he knew chemical formulae of common plutonium compounds by heart….
  • Tim Drake has it the worst though. By far. Something that is most definitely not helped by the fact that Tim usually lives by the philosophy of: Hack GCPD Databases While Snacking On Cheetos All Night, Sleep All Day. The boy is a vampire. Pale as a ghost. And somehow it seems, no matter how many layers he’s wearing, Tim still manages to get sunburnt???? Through layers of kevlar??? The boy is a living, breathing, walking, sunburnt enigma. 
Disney & Pixar Animation at D23: New Details on 'Frozen 2,' 'The Incredibles 2,' 'Toy Story 4' and More!

Unfortunately for the fan dressed in an inflatable Baymax costume (which was so big he couldn’t fit into any of the convention center’s seats), Friday’s Pixar and Disney Animation panel at D23, Disney’s fan expo, didn’t provide confirmation on sequels to either Big Hero 6 or Zootopia. But host John Lasseter, head of Walt Disney Animation and Pixar Studios, did have plenty of scoop on Frozen, Wreck-It Ralph 2, The Incredibles 2 and more!

MORE: Kristen Bell Confirms ‘Frozen 2’ Release Date With Adorable 'Weather Forecast’ – See When It’s Hitting Theaters!

Walt Disney Animation Studios

Frozen 2

The panel began with a return to Arendelle – starting with the 21-minute short film, Olaf’s Frozen Adventure (debuting in theaters ahead of Coco on Nov. 22). Kristen Bell, the voice of Anna, was on hand to explain that, “[Anna and Elsa] don’t actually have any holiday traditions of their own, and it breaks Olaf’s tiny, little icy heart.” The crowd aww-ed as a photo of sad Olaf appeared onscreen and Bell squealed, “I know!

D23 attendees were then treated to a silly scene of Olaf (Josh Gad) trying to decide if various Christmas traditions are “special enough,” before Gad made a surprise appearance to live-debut one of the four new songs called, I believe, “That Time of Year.”

As for Frozen 2, we still don’t know the title – though, it’s not Disney’s Thawed – but instead, saw home video of directors Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee’s research trip to Norway, Iceland and Finland. These “adventures,” we were told, will inspire the sequel, which hits theaters on Nov. 27, 2019.

Walt Disney Animation Studios

Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2

In Wreck-It Ralph 2 – the full title is quite a mouthful – the arcade is connected to “wee fee” (that’d be WiF) and, as Princess Vanellope herself, Sarah Silverman, revealed, “Vanellope’s game, Sugar Rush, breaks and she has to travel with Ralph into the Internet to find a part to fix the game.” There, they will meet new characters like Yesss (played by Taraji P. Henson), the shape-shifting algorithm of a trend-making website called Buzzaholic.

In the most synergistic but uproarious clip, Yesss gives Ralph and Vanellope a VIP tour of the Internet that culminates in a visit to OhMyDisney.com, where Star Wars, Marvel, and classic Disney characters roam. Vanellope sneaks off to mess with the Disney princesses, which does not go well. (Cinderella breaks her glass slipper into a shank.) It only gets better and more meta from there, i.e. the princesses declare that none of them have daddy issues!

As a special surprise for D23, each princess’ original voice actor was on hand to announce they will reprise their role in the movie – from Arielle and Belle to Merida and Tiana, Anna, Moana and more! Ralph Breaks the Internet arrives in theaters on Nov. 21, 2018.

Pixar

The Incredibles 2

“It’s like, Balenciaga, Louis Vuitton and Edna,” so said a supremely amusing featurette that intro’d The Incredibles 2 portion, which featured the likes of Zac Posen, Heidi Klum, Kendall Jenner and Rachel Zoe, among other models and fashion experts, discussing the “visionary” and “iconic” Edna.

Writer, director and the voice of Edna, Brad Bird, took the stage to show off new and quite improved test footage of the entire family back in action. The sequel (out June 15, 2018) reunites nearly the entire original cast and also features a brand spankin’ new superhero lair and a “greatly expanded” world with superheroes whose powers might just rival the Incredibles family.

“You’ll see a lot of Elastigirl. A chain of events puts her at the forefront of the action, while Bob has to stay home,” Bird explained of Mr. Incredible’s own challenge: “He still doesn’t know that Jack Jack has these powers.” A work-in-progress clip had Jack defending the home from a raccoon he mistakes as a burglar, resulting in an outrageous backyard brawl.

Disney/Pixar

Toy Story 4

There wasn’t much to share about Toy Story 4 – the movie’s official title – as the fourquel doesn’t hit theaters until summer 2019. But Lasseter announced that he will not direct it, officially passing the reigns to Josh Cooley (the Oscar-nominated writer of Inside Out), though the animation legend will stay on as an executive producer and mentor.

Cooley brought along a video tour of the Toy Story offices, which yielded little information regarding the film’s plot – except a hint that it may or may not involve an RV trip? (During D23 2013, it was revealed that the story would be a love story for Woody and Bo Peep.) But we do know the aliens are back, as the montage included the first line of dialogue recorded for Toy Story 4: the alien’s signature, “Oooo.

Untitled Pixar Suburban Fantasy World Film

One of two untitled projects teased during the panel – the other from DisneyToon Studios may be a Planes sequel, about jets that can travel into space. This movie comes courtesy of Monsters University director Dan Scanlon and takes place in, yes, a suburban fantasy world.

“This film takes place in a fantasy world; however, it is a modern fantasy world,” explained Scanlon. Long ago, there was magic, but because it was complicated to learn, eventually the citizens invented machines that could do magic for them, like light bulbs, cars and fast food. (One chain is called “To-N-Fro Burger.”) There are no humans in this fantasy world, but the land is populated by elves, trolls and sprites – “Anything that would be on the side of a van in the '70s,” Scanlon joked – and where unicorns are rat-like pests.

The actual story follows two teenage brother whose father died when they were too young to remember him, so they set out on an adventure to somehow find a way to spend one last magical day with him.

Pixar

Coco

As Coco hits theaters this Thanksgiving, there wasn’t much news to break about Pixar’s Día de los Muertos movie, which Lasseter called “breathtaking” and “incredibly emotional.” It’s set in Mexico and follows 12-year-old Miguel, who learns he is the great, great grandson of the most famous musician in all of Mexico, Ernesto de la Cruz (voiced by Benjamin Bratt).

Miguel’s family has banned music for many generations so, in one clip previewed for Hall D23, Miguel tries to sign up for the town’s talent show but isn’t able to without a guitar – which leads him to break into Ernesto’s tomb and steal his legendary guitar, setting off a series of supernatural events that transpots him to the land of the dead. Another clip took place in the Department of Family Reunions, packed with skeletons and talk of curses and the adorable scoundrel of a dog, Dante.

Mostly, the Coco portion provided a grand finale to the panel, a live mariachi performance by Miguel himself, actor Anthony Gonzalez, and Bratt, complete with a spectacular shower of confetti.

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Marvel Debuts the First 'Avengers: Infinity War' Trailer at D23: Spider Senses, Thanos and Chris Evans With a Beard

Not to slight Comic-Con’s infamous Hall H, but D23, Disney’s fan expo, was the place to be for any card-carrying Marvel fan. One week ahead of Marvel Studio’s SDCC takeover, head honcho Kevin Feige took the stage during Walt Disney Studios’ live-action panel to unveil the first trailer for Avengers: Infinity War.

MORE: Inside Marvel Studios: Secrets About ‘Black Panther,’ 'Captain Marvel,’ 'Thor: Ragnarok’ & More!

“Almost every single hero that we’ve ever introduced is going to be in that film. Why you ask? Because of one person.” Feige told the crowd, signaling the entrance of Josh Brolin, who plays the Avengers’ ultimate big bad, Thanos.

As for the heroes who will take the Mad Titan? Feige introduced them one by one: Paul Bettany (Vision), Elizabeth Olsen (Scarlet Witch), Pom Klementieff (Mantis), Karen Gillan (Nebula) and Dave Bautista (Drax). Is that enough to take down Thanos?

“Drax ain’t sh*t,” Brolin taunted.

Next came Don Cheadle (War Machine), Sebastian Stan (Winter Solider), Anthony Mackie (Falcon) and Benedict Cumberbatch (Doctor Strange). “The only thing that could make me geek out even more is if Spider-Man swung in here,” Feige said. Enter Tom Holland, followed by “king” Chadwick Boseman (Black Panther).

“I’m feeling pretty cocky,” Brolin said.

“We also have a Hulk,” Feige replied.

Mark Ruffalo (Bruce Banner) and his “friend from work” Chris Hemsworth (Thor) arrived, at which point Feige teased, “I guess it’s worth bringing out the man who started it all.” At which point Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man) took the stage, along with one half of the Russo Brothers, who are directing Infinity War.

Joe Russo announced they are currently halfway wrapped on the movie, which hits theaters on May 4, 2018, marking the 10-year anniversary of Iron Man. He then sneakily debuted the Infinity War trailer exclusively for D23. It’s nearly impossible to describe everything in the footage, but here are some quick notes to tide you over until the trailer is available for all:

It begins with Mantis declaring, “We are arriving.” Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) replies, “All right, Guardians, don’t forget this might be dangerous. So, let’s put on our mean faces.” At which point an unconscious Thor crashes into the windshield of their spaceship, is taken inside and woken up by Mantis. “Who the hell are you guys?” he asks.

Meanwhile, on Earth, Scarlet Witch uses her powers near an exploded-out bus. Loki (Tom Hiddleston) wields the Tesseract. Spider-Man’s arm hairs tingle, signaling an introduction to Spidey senses. “Death follows him like a shadow,” someone warns. Another voice says, “He’s coming to us.”

“Fun really isn’t something one considers with balancing the universe,” Brolin said in voice over as a shot appears of Gamora (Zoe Saldana) amid indistinct destruction. “But this does put a smile on my face.” Then, from the blackness, a badass Thanos steps out in his armor.

Then the shots get quicker: Thanos is fighting the Guardians with an assist from Strange. Peter Parker fights in the Iron Spider suit from the end of Spider-Man: Homecoming. Black Panther unsheathes his claws. There’s a look between Scarlet Witch and the Vision. Captain America (Chris Evans) steps out from the shadows with a beard. Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) is blonde. The Hulk Buster. “Tony, I’m fine,” a clearly injured Peter Parker says. “I’m sorry.”

The teaser ends with Thanos decking Iron Man using the Infinity Gauntlet, noticeably missing at least two gems. Still, he uses the glove to make a planet explode, if I’m not mistaken, and make fire rain from the skies. As the screen faded to black, the crowd stood to give a standing ovation and I couldn’t help but scream, “HOLY SH*T!”

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