Let me start this by saying that I was never suicidal. Even after I lost my wife, I didn’t consider killing myself, not even once. The pain of losing her is hard sometimes, but every time that I see my daughters face it makes it all go away.
With that said, you’re probably wondering why I killed myself. The simple answer is that I couldn’t allow my daughter to be taken away from me without a fight. I know that all sounds ass backwards, and by the end of this note you will probably be more confused than you are now, but at least you will understand why I felt it necessary to do what I did.
A little over two hours ago I was putting my daughter to bed, and as usual she was doing everything that she could to stay awake. Every night, without fail, she would come up with the wildest questions in an attempt to avoid me turning the lights off. Do dolls dream? Can I make a cake where the frosting and the cake are reversed? If a unicorn loses his horn will it become a regular horse? Those were the type of questions that she would fire at me one after another. I knew that she was trying to prolong the inevitable, but I enjoyed it, so I played along.
The only way I could ever get her to go to sleep was to tell her that mommy couldn’t come from heaven and visit her if she wasn’t asleep. Even though I knew that wasn’t true, I felt like it helped her cope.
When I left the room I kept the door opened slightly. She would always ask me to close it because she claimed to see people in the hallway at night. I knew that it was all shadows and imagination.
I barely let go of the door handle when I heard her scream.
An intense light spilled into the hallway from the crack in the door. Before I could push the door back open, the room fell dark again.
I burst back into her room and switched on the light. What I saw froze me in place.
In the corner, a naked man lay in the fetal position. Despite his body being covered in sweat and the massive amount of steam and heat he was producing, he trembled like he was freezing.
After a quick moment of shock, I rushed to my daughter’s side.
The man shielded his eyes from the light and spoke in a parched voice. “Please help me.” He sounded desperate and in a lot of pain. Nothing about him seemed particularly dangerous, but I didn’t let that ease my tension.
Not knowing what else to say, I asked him where he had come from and what he wanted. My mind was going in circles trying to figure out how he had appeared so suddenly and what had caused that intense burst of light. My daughter’s window was closed and I did the customary check under the bed and in the closet for monsters before I left her room.
As if he didn’t hear my question, he said in the same painful voice, “Please you have to help me.”
My confusion gave way to fear. This man was either crazy or in trouble and I didn’t want him around either way. I told him that I would help and he agreed to wait for me in the living room. My honest thought was just to get him away from my daughter and give me enough time to get my gun from my bedroom.
When he left I told my daughter that he was my friend and we were just playing a game. She didn’t argue although I knew she had her suspicions.
After getting my gun I cautiously entered the living room. To my surprise, he hadn’t run off, but was sitting on my couch wrapped in the living room rug.
I sat on the love seat across from him, letting him see my gun. He acknowledged it and waved a dismissive hand. “You don’t need that. I’m not a danger to you or your little girl.”
I asked him how he had gotten into my house and he told me that he didn’t come here intentionally. “This is where the light led me,” he said.
For some strange reason he didn’t strike me as being crazy. I had seen the light he mentioned after all.
I asked him to explain and what he told me next was the most amazing and terrifying thing I have ever heard. I’ll try my best to remember everything.
The first line of his story was insane enough for most to stop listening immediately. He claimed to have escaped from heaven. I asked why anyone would want to do that and he said that heaven was not what I thought it was. I stopped him there, ready to call the police, but he challenged me to explain how he got inside of my house so suddenly and where the light had come from. I didn’t have an answer, so I listened. The story was so amazing that I got sucked into it and started mentally debating like his story was a concrete fact.
“Heaven is a terrible place. I actually shouldn’t even call it heaven because heaven and hell are the same place,” he said.
I started to worry that I would dread where his story was leading, but I listened anyway.
He told me that he had died in 1853— shot in the back and robbed by a friend. When he died, everything went dark. He was adamant about explaining the darkness. “It wasn’t like turning the lights off or closing your eyes. It was more like I had forgotten how to see. There really is nothing to compare it too. I’m guessing it’s like what a blind man sees— not black, just nothing.”
The thought of nothingness after death made my stomach go sour.
“The nothingness lasted for a long time. I remember being terrified at the thought of being like that forever, but just when I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, it went away.” He shifted in his seat uncomfortably before continuing. “It felt like I woke up, but it was only a feeling. My sight, hearing, smell and touch were all one intense sensation. It was like all of my senses were combined but not being used the same way as they would be individually. I know it doesn’t sound bad, but I felt like I was constantly being assaulted by every feeling and emotion at the same time. Hot and cold, happy and sad, starving and stuffed. It was like all of those sensations had mixed as well and just continued to hit me over and over.”
The obvious question that was on my mind was God. Every human since the beginning of time has wondered and hypothesized about the existence of a supreme being. His response however, was not as rewarding as I had wished.
He laughed to himself before speaking. “There is no God. No Devil either. When the darkness went away and I woke up in that place, I was given knowledge about everything— what’s beyond our universe, other dimensions, aliens, how everything was created, and answers to questions that humankind will never even ask.”
“So there is no God or Devil, but there are some type of deities right?” I asked tentatively.
“Yes sir. I mean I didn’t see any specific ones like Zeus or Osiris but it was closer to that than what I learned in the bible. I could feel the other people like me, the souls, and I could feel all of the emotions that they were experiencing. The god like entities were different. They seemed to be the ones giving off the sensations that we were all feeling. They were like the sun giving off heat. They never interacted with us directly, they didn’t have to. Anything they wanted was just passed on to us like the rest of the sensations.”
“And what did they want?” I asked.
“Like I said, all of the knowledge that existed was given to me, except whatever they were doing. I think I figured it out, but it’s hard to explain. It wasn’t like we were asked to go to work or make them a sandwich. The entities were using us for a bigger objective. They were harvesting the energy that allows the soul to exist. It was like being eaten alive, one molecule at a time, but a million times more intense than it sounds. There really is no way to fully explain it to you because it’s so different than anything here on earth. I would first have to explain a thousand other things before you would even be able to grasp what they were trying to do.”
I started to think that maybe he had experienced something other than heaven. “So how do you know that wasn’t hell? Maybe you were being tricked or misunderstood what was happening. We are talking about another plane of existence after all.”
My question obviously frustrated him.
“No. All of your ideas about heaven and God’s are wrong. Everyone is wrong. I know you can’t stand the idea of there being a place like I described. Well tough shit mister, that’s just how it is.”
I opened my mouth to respond but something about the conviction in his voice told me he was telling the truth, or at least he thought so. Instead of arguing, I tried to turn the tables on him. “So why did you escape. You were given knowledge and transcended into a state of existence that seems to be better than this.”
“It’s not better. It a nightmare knowing what the end result of everything will be. There are things that even the entities can’t control. They have limitations and entities that are bigger than them. It never stops, there is always a higher entity and that goes on to an infinite number. Imagine the gap in power between a human and a God. Now imagine a God above that God with the same gap in power. Now imagine a billion more Gods all with that relative gap in power to the God underneath them. Nothing is safe. There are unseen forces that go hand in hand with existence and can’t be manipulated. All of the universes and dimensions and Gods die and are reborn different than the previous time. This has gone on forever and will continue to do so. The universe as you know it will cease to exist one day. Every thing that ever has been or will be will cease to exist as well. Existence on every level will cease and there will be a period of nothingness. It’s impossible to explain to you the exact spark that caused things to start up again. And when I say start up, I’m not talking about how our universe and planets began, I mean existence itself.”
I didn’t know how I felt. I was a bit scared only because I could see the dread in the man’s eyes. Even if what he was saying was true, the scale of infinitely more powerful gods ruling over lesser gods seemed too high up for it to be something to worry about. So I asked the obvious question, “How does that impact us? Up until now I didn’t even know the entities you saw existed, let alone the ones that are ten levels above them.”
At that point he started to cry. “We are all slaves. This time, this body, is the freest you will ever be. Once you die, you lose your ability to do what you want. The entities control your very existence. There are small moments when you have independence, but so brief that you barely know you have them. There is nothing that I can do to stop this. It is the way things have always been. I know it’s hard for you to understand how horrifying it feels to be controlled. Imagine if a cow knew he was going to be slaughtered and made into a steak the moment he was born. Now imagine him being aware and conscious to feel every step of it— being butchered, cooked, eaten and shitted out.”
I asked him what he was going to do now that he was alive again. He said that he would try and live as long as he could and hopefully escape from heaven again the next time. “Prolonged the inevitable” is what he said.
I had so many questions. Up until that moment, I didn’t realize that he had never really explained how he had escaped if his every action was being controlled like he claimed. That would have been the single most useful thing he could have told me.
We were close enough in size for him to fit my clothes so I gave him something to wear. I gave him the forty dollars in my wallet and offered him ride. He declined the ride and said he preferred to walk and enjoy the night.
Standing in the doorway, we shook hands and I wished him luck. He told me that he would keep in touch. As I watched him walk down my street, I heard my daughter scream again. I ran to her room, expecting to see another man lying on the ground, but what I saw was much worse.
When I stepped into the room, I felt an intense wave of conflicting emotions. I immediately fell into a state of depression and euphoria. My daughter was being cradled by what I can only describe as a man made of solid black electricity. The border of its body gyrated in chaotic spasms, but maintained the general human shape.
I fell to my knees and begged for it to let my daughter go. It responded by asking where the man had gone. The bargain it made with me was that it would hold my daughter as collateral until I returned the man to the spot where he had first appeared. It told me that my daughter would be kept as an even exchange if I failed to return the man. I continued to beg but the black form collapsed in on itself and disappeared into a single point.
Just like that, the thing was gone, my daughter’s body gone with it.
I cried for several minutes before realizing what I had to do.
If you are still with me to this point, I bet you have a thousand questions. Most of which I don’t have answers to. I’m sure you either believe that I am insane or stupid for not finding the man and bringing him back. Well I’m not insane and I did look for him. I drove around for an hour. He only had a small head start and should have been somewhere in a ten block radius.
I had the feeling that the man had not been entirely honest with me. I didn’t doubt the part about heaven and entities since I had just seen one of them with my own eyes. The part I started to play over in my head was how comfortable the man was with the escape. He had already figured out what he would do like he had done this before. Maybe he only played nice with me because I had a gun. This could very well have been his tenth or hundredth time doing this. Maybe he had died in a parallel dimension or on a different planet.
It doesn’t matter now. He is gone and my little girl is not going to be sacrificed so he can live. If he escaped from heaven or whatever he calls it, then so can I.
If I never make it back, or it takes me a few hundred years to find her, this will have to serve as a suicide note and explanation of my daughter’s disappearance. For the police investigators, there is no crime to solve here. I know you won’t believe it, but I did not kill my daughter. Everything you need to know is in this note.