Tomorrow is my birthday and we’re air traveling with our daughter for the first time. She’s around 90 days old and we’re taking her here, to the town where I grew up and to her grand-grandmother’s 90th birthday celebration. All this and also being with some “old” friends should be a lot of fun. See you soon and in the meantime hope you all stay very well; indeed. Especially Adam; my thoughts are with you and hope you very soon and fully recover.
I guess since you unfollowed me on here I can say this now:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t take your feelings into account. I truly am. But I don’t get it. This time around we promised it would be different. I made an effort, all I ever do is put forth effort to make us work and to make you happy. It’s what I lived for. There’s no one else in this world I want to love. You’ve seen every part of me, you’ve made me feel beautiful, you made it easier to breathe, and now I can’t move. I’m numb. Everything just seemed like a lie in the end. You’ve ended it with me 4 times because you can’t love me 3000 miles away. If you knew you couldn’t do this, then why want to get back with me? You know everything about me. You know how I laugh, you know the way I cover my face whenever you compliment me, you know the way when you would look down at me and I would touch your face before you kissed me. Or how you held my hand wherever we went, like you were afraid to let go. And to know that after all this time I’m still not worth the wait, it is killing me.
Watching James Bond with you and then you fell asleep in my arms, and vice versa when we watched Star Trek. I stayed awake for Evangelion because you were so hyped up to show me it, yo were so happy, your smile is my favorite to look at. I never wanted to look away.
Walking to 7/11 with you, you held my hand, and we talked the whole time. I kept making comments about the mountains in the distance, and the underwear that was chillin on the sidewalk. You told me the route we had to go and you made it seem like it would be a 45 minute walk, but it was just around the corner. You bought me an Arizona, and you got your spicy peanuts and your tequito thing. Again, never letting go of my hand.
The way you kissed me was my favorite, I’d be laying down or I’d be on top of you and it would start off kinda slow but then it was all tongue and biting, you bit down on my bottom lip and it was my favorite thing, it felt like you were claiming me, I was yours. It got a little sloppy and stoof but it was my absolute favorite. When you would just give me a peck on the lips, or when you would play FallOut and id sit on your lap and watch as you have Muggy his mugs, and you would ask for kisses. I remember, I asked you while I was laying down and you were standing, “do you wanna make out?” And you were like “eh with you? Iduuuunnno” but then you laughed and said you were kidding and laid on top of me and made me squirm and giggle with every kiss and every bite. Oh god take me back.
When we went out for dinner, and you ate your quesadillas all I did was just marvel in the fact that I’m with the guy I love more than anything. I stared at you, not creepily but with just eyes that marveled at the sight of you.
When we fought because you insisted on buying me a bath bomb that I really wanted but refused to let you spend your money on me, you kept insisting and pushing and you did it anyway, and my favorite part of it all, you never once let go of me. And I laughed with you, and rested my head in your shoulder while you purchased it for me.
When we went to the Polaroid museum, you held my hand, and you were just a big ol nerd and it was so great to see you so happy. And when your sister insisted on us taking a picture together in the little cutout, even though I’m awkwardly short next to you, I still look at that photo of us.
When we got back home on my final night and we took a picture with Nicole’s big shot Polaroid camera, I sat on the same chair with you and we had Jack with us, and she snapped the greatest picture, that I still carry in my wallet. I look at you and see how happy you look, and I see me, very pale, but my love never ever faded, and in my eyes you can actually see them shining because for once I felt like this, right here, next to you, was my home, where I want to be always.
And after we walked back into your room and laid down and you started to cry, which made me cry. The sadness in your face, but the love I felt radiating off of you as you wiped my tears with this black and grey scarf, I will never forget. We laid there for a while and you took pictures of us, doing a frowny face but then kissing me, and taking a picture
Of that. The picture I have still counting down to the next time I was supposed to see you. The picture that when I look at, I feel the butterflies fill up in my chest and my tummy gets all weird and that’s what love made me feel, it made me tingle and shiver with excitement. I can still feel your lips on mine, and I can still taste you on my tongue.
And how we would get a little heated in your bed, the most comfy place in the world. You’d be in your boxers and me in my bra and panties, and just getting the feel of one another, not just once but a couple times. When I would suck and bite and kiss your neck, and you moaned, when I would dig my nails into the back of your neck and pull your hair, and you encouraged me to keep going. The way your hands would trace my skin, it left permanent marks and I can still feel your hands on me.
When we would be in the car, and you would hold my hand. Give it a loving squeeze every now and again. You would turn to me and make the cutest kissy face.
When we just finished making out and your other sister stops by with her boyfriend and they wanted to meet me, I was in a tank top and my underwear, I slipped on your shorts, the only pair I could work over my thighs and butt lol. I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn’t see, but I knew my tank top was crooked and and it showed my bra, but I got up, like a hot mess and went over and shook their hands and introduced myself. That was funny.
When we went to In n Out and you ordered for me, it seemed super complex but that burger was life changing wow. And you and your sister are so alike, it was great to see you laugh and converse and stuff and see your cute face.
And when we would get ready to go to sleep. We would spoon at first, and you would tell me you love me and that I’m so beautiful, as you would cup the booty.
And when I had to fly back home, March 29th 2015, and 7am, you walked with me the whole time until security, I was crying so much, and I never wanted to let go of you, you were my rock. My infinite rock. I walked into the security gates and I look back and see you hugging your sister, wishing I could run back to you and kiss away your tears.
But I think about when I first walked out of the airport, searching for you, getting lost and making you anxious. Then turning a corner where you were in a blue button up and I was in my tie dye sweater, with major jet lag and messy hair and makeup. You walked up to me and said “hi” in a very high pitched tone and handed me sunflowers, my favorite flowers. After I hugged you you said to me “can we do that thing where we kiss” and I kissed you. Something I’ve been waiting to do since I was 15, when we first told eachother that we were in love with one another.
I know I shouted on the phone that we should have never told eachother that. But you taught me what it meant to be in love. I’ve seen and felt and smelled love, and it was magnificent.
Even though you unfollowed me, I hope one day you can read this and think about the decision you have made. I Type this wearing your blue sweater that I haven’t washed since the day I first wore it because it smells like home, and it’s like I’m wrapped in your arms when I wear it. Even though it hurts, you’ll always be my first love, and no matter what people say, I will always, now and forever, I will ways love you. I always told you “I love you, I always have and I always will” and I mean it. I would take you back in a heart beat, you want me to fly out, it will be done in seconds, my ticket for 47 days is not refundable, and I hope it could be put to use Because I love you. I love you so much. And I will always want you. I would take you back in a heartbeat because I feel like I was meant to meet you for a reason. And I feel like our book has a beginning to it, and in the end of it, if the story does decide to continue, that the ending is you and me. Dear god I hope it’s you and me.
There are two things that really give me lots of CS feels in this scene. But first, this meta/analysis/whatever it is, is in no way trying to discredit the other characters, particularly Emma’s family. They’re pwecious.
1) The lamppost, imo, is symbolic. It not only serves as a physical barrier between Emma and the others, but an emotional barrier as well. Emma displays great magic, but she’s different. She's misunderstood.
That lamppost? It’s kind of a symbol to separate Emma from her parents; show how she’s different, prevent her family from getting to her.
But who is on the same side of the lamppost as Emma? Killian Jones. And yes, I acknowledge: he got pushed there. But the writers could’ve also had Killian push Charming out of the way, or Charming push Snow, or Snow push Henry. It could have gone many ways, but it didn’t. They had Charming push Killian out of the way of the lamppost, towards Emma. Killian Jones is on the same side of the lamppost as Emma, in a way symbolising that he has crossed that emotional barrier. He understands Emma.
2) That fucking hand grab. It makes me want to cry.
Important thing which everyone should’ve realised: Snow Queen, Elsa, and Emma’s magic all come from their hands, and this really big important camera shots of gloves and their glowing hands and how dangerous touching them could be.
And reminder that during that Mommy and Me scene, how wary Snow was of Emma? Because why? The milk bottle glowed when Emma touched it with her hands, and Emma was going to use those same, potentially dangerous hands to hug Neal and tuck him in at night.
Even with the Snow Queen and Elsa, there’s always this wariness revolving around touching them; touching their hands, their really powerful pair of hands that has the power to do such life-threatening things.
But here Killian is.He sees Emma running away, and you know what he does? He doesn’t care that Emma could hurt him. He wants her to stay. He doesn’t want her to run away. He wants to comfort her. And so he throws all caution to the wind, and grabs her hand, not wanting her to go.Because he understands. And he wants to help. He's not afraid.